LoveMeNow

Last night, I had a very interesting conversation with a recovering codie/addict. I was sharing with her about SR.

She made an interesting comment that left me thinking. Would a "normie" join and continue to stay at a forum about recovery?

I came to SR looking for answers on addiction. I am sure I came looking for help for him, only to discover I too had a problem. I stayed because I wanted to learn about me and my codependency but also still had questions about addiction. And I am so thankful I did.

I have seen some posters come strictly for information, then quickly move on. IMO, they may not have been codependent but merely education themselves.

But my initial reason was very codependent....it was about him and how to help him, as if I had the power. Looking back, I had quite the ego. I have read a lot of information about my father's cancer but once I learned about it, I moved on. Not so, when it came to addiction and my husband's problem.

So my question is - do you think joining SR was a sign of your own codependency, knowingly or not??

tjp613

I came for education and support from others who have walked this path before me.

I stayed for education, support and the love of community.

LoveMeNow

I can see how as a mother of an addict, the support and info would be very helpful and probably an important lifeline to staying "sane."

blueholly

I defiantly came to "help" him. I actually came across this site on accident. I had know idea I had a problem.(codie) I thought all my problems were him.... I am so glad I found you all though. I have said before... I thought I had to be the only one riding this meth train to crazy town. No one out there knew what i was going through. Then I met you all who have very similar story's. If not almost identical.

And i think the cancer thing is a very interesting thing you bring up. You know my dr. told me and I have heard this alot.... his addiction is a disease... but I can't seem to wrap my head around treating it like that...
Anvilhead said to me once. HE made the decision to put that pipe in his mouth. And that's right. It's a decision. You don't make a decision to get cancer... And you don't leave someone who does have cancer....
very confusing to me...
and I am glad you made that point!

Lily1918

I came here looking for success stories.... but yes, I stay for support for my own codependency. I also get a lot of ESH from the substance abuse forum, I still do get cravings from time to time.

sojourner

Good question.

I came to get. I stay to get. But I also stay to give. 12-stepping it is called by some. The addiction of other people in my life took the wind right out of my sails, and I did not think I was capable of anything (wisdom, for example) that was useful to anybody. When someone says I have helped them when I have shared my experience, it is a healing thing for me.

cerene

Once you learn about cancer, there's nothing else you can do unless you want to join a cancer support group for others who are going through the same thing. Normies do that all the time.

If being codependent is ruining your life, and soberrecovery can help you not act that way anymore, then I think it's the same thing as being a normie. If you're only using soberrecovery to complain about your AH, then yes, you're still being a codie. HOWEVER, maybe the encouragement here will help you face your codie behavior and get some help. Then once you have a better grip of your issues, maybe you can stick around and be a role model for others who haven't seen the light.

noanxtime

I came here shortly after quitting for some non-judgmental input and possible advice. All of which has given me strength and comfort when I thought there was none or at least very little from anyone else. This includes my husband who didn't think I was 'that bad', however he quit with me and for me and for that I am grateful.
I have not been the best support I suppose to 'codies', I wasn't around an addict (besides myself and my mother) long enough to care about seeing them through their addiction. I chose the path of 'run screaming in the other direction'. I suppose I didn't care that much about that other person and even as a quite young addict, someone trying to stop using was frankly, of no use to me because I had no intention of stopping myself and would not have appreciated a sober person cramping my style.
SR allows so many people in so many phases of their life whether as the A or the C, to glean something positive and a new perspective as to what we are going through.
Sometimes raw physical sicknesses like cancer can run sort of tandem with both the A or the C and how they deal with things. SR is a great comfort.

Kindeyes

I came to SR in a serious state of denial.

I stay because I need to stay focused on my recovery or I will easily slip into lifelong codependent behaviors.

I've watched a lot of people come and go on SR. Some of them may not have been codependent and others may be so deeply steeped in denial that they simply aren't ready to move out of it yet....denial does that. But it's not my place to judge their motivations or reasons......just to give my ESH and know that they may take it or leave it. And that's ok.

gentle hugs
ke

Kindeyes

I always find the cancer analogies interesting.

Cancer is often caused by life choices. For example, smoking or over exposure to the sun. A smoker chooses to smoke cigarettes which have been clearly shown to significantly increase the possibility of cancer. Over exposure to the sun has been clearly shown to significantly increase the possibility of cancer. The choice was to smoke......not to get cancer. The choice was to want to be tan......not to get cancer.

The same goes for addiction....the choice is to use the first time.....not to become addicted.

If a person with cancer lied, disappeared, stole, brought questionable people into my home, crossed my boundaries repeatedly, insulted me, and blamed me for their cancer and all the problems associated with it......well....yeah....I could leave them if my emotional, psychological or spiritual wellbeing was at risk.

Cancer is not the same as diabetes but they are both diseases--they have different symptoms and characteristics. The disease of addiction has a list of "symptoms" and a long list of behaviors associated with it. It is a disease that affects a person physically, psychologically, and spirituallly. It's a nasty one.

This comes up a lot on SR and many people have difficulty accepting the concept of the disease of addiction. These are just my thoughts.....take what you need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Just to clarify, I was not comparing addiction to cancer. (although, I do believe addiction is a disease and there is a genetic factor). I only mentioned cancer because my father is in stage 4. I really didn't know what that really meant as a whole so I read up on Stage 4 Kidney cancer for information before I went to visit him. He never smoked, was not a big drinker and really tried to take good care of himself with exercise, vitamins, eating right. However, he still got kidney cancer, had his kidney removed, was in trial studies, had a whipple, etc, etc and has been maintained pretty good health over the last 10 years - until the last few months.

(I had no idea what a whipple was so I read about that as well). The comparison was only about looking for information as opposed to looking for ways to help, fix and rescue. Codie beahviors!!

Kindeyes

Sorry LMN....I kind of highjacked your thread and didn't mean to. I only addressed that issue because another poster brought it up.....should have taken it to another thread. My apologies!
gentle hugs
ke

Sanity2012

I came to SR because I thought I was going crazy. I stayed when I realized that AH was actually the crazy one, I was learning how to regain my "sanity".

Hanna

I found SR because I knew I was in over my head and did not know how to manage having a loved one with an addiction. It was for me, I believe. I didn't know the right way to behave with my brother and was feeling frantic and in pain when I came here. I found people who were surviving and thriving despite having loved ones in active addiction. I found others that shared their hope with me that one day things could be better. I found love, support and understanding for both myself and my loved one.

I continue coming because I want to stay healthy and also to help others if possible, in the same way that I received help. Staying in touch with the community of people who have had similar experiences is important to me because I've been through something that has changed me as a person. I like communicating with others that get it. I also love being able to say "My brother got better and your loved one might, too." to someone that is feeling great despair. I have another brother that is suffering, but I think I am personally pretty healthy at this point. Still, coming to SR is a part of maintaining my own awareness and continuing to learn principles that help me in all areas of my life.

I don't believe co-dependence is the only reason people come to the friends and family forum. I don't think everyone with a loved one in addiction is co-dependent. I know I had boundary and co-dependence issues, but not everyone does. There are people with healthy boundaries that are also simply confused, grieving and in pain. Those emotions are normal when dealing with any loved one that is seriously ill. This forum provided me with support to deal with those emotions, while educating me about healthy boundaries for all of my relationships.

Peace,
Hanna

incitingsilence

The sad reality is that many also move on fairly fast because they didn’t like what they heard from others who had been there before them. They simply were not able to accept the truth in front of them.

Where I first landed, I arrived like so many other seeking out help for him. To learn that I needed help. I knew there was something wrong with me, from way before my husband’s addiction forced me to look at myself. I just didn’t want to deal with anything until I had no reason but too. When your husband gets clean and your first reaction is to start drinking, after being so friggin angry he was using and hiding and not coping… Hmmm, I couldn’t really dismiss that and stuff it away like I did everything else.

I came here after a friend suggested that I might be able to share what I have learned along the way. Yet I come for me, not for anyone else. If I can share something that helps another then I can. Other than that I read when I can, respond when I can and love when I learn something new!

story74

I joined because I needed support and help. I had entered into something I knew nothing about and wanted to be educated. This education has helped me heal. I loved my xah, and I wanted to save him, my family and marriage. I realized very quickly through this site that I had no power. But, I never lost myself in him. Ever. In fact, I feel because I knew who I was and what I wanted always, I have bounced back successfully.

I don't see myself as a codie. I see myself as someone who was looking for answers. I had never encountered addiction or an addict before.

This site is such a wonderul source.Afterwhile, the stories sadly become very similar and how to deal with it also becomes exactly the same. Move on, no contact and focus on YOU!!!! Not to be too generalistic.

I feel like everyone on this site is smart. They are looking for answers. Maybe they aren't ready for the answers, but they know something isn't right.

bluebelle

I came to SR to find out how to fix my abf. I stayed because of the wonderful information and support. I stay on here because it reminds me to stay on tract with taking care of myself. It helps me with acceptance and keeps me from falling into denial. I have also found a lot of great info under the adult children forum.

LoveMeNow

No apologies needed! I always enjoy your posts.

laurie6781

I came to SR when I was still pretty much 'housebound' because of my health and was looking to continue with my recovery and '12 Step work' on line.

Of course, it wasn't long before I found that SR also had great F&F forums also. So I have stayed.

I hope I give a bit more than I take, but I enjoy being here.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Hanna

Ok, I'm having a silly insomnia moment and that tickled me! Where is that LMAO icon?
But seriously, yes, Laurie. You give quite a bit more than you take!

Hugs and thank you for all your ESH! You've surely given me some great love and strength.

Peace,
Hanna