Serenity8

I don't even know where to begin. I started posting here years ago because of my EX-husband's addiction and compulsion issues.

I worked hard to get out of a dysfunctional situation with him. For my own sanity but also for my kids, I didn't want them to grow up thinking that my relationship with their father was a "normal" marriage, because it was far from it.

And here I am... again. I am so numb about it though. I don't even react to it anymore, I am disappointed when he over-indulges but years of al-anon has taught me to not take it personally.

My issue is with me. WHY do I accept this? This is a man who is charming and who treats me and my children so much better than my ex-husband ever did, but that isn't saying a whole hell of a lot. I am pretty and look younger than I am. I work out often and have a decent figure. I recently switched careers and am on my way to doing well in my new chosen path. I am still in school and 9 credits away from my master's degree. I mean, I have my **** together... WHY WHY WHY do I put up with this man? I have broken up with him so many times and he always begs me back and promises to make changes, which I laugh to myself and know they will NEVER happen. But I figure my kids are young and it's not like I am going to be out looking for anyone else. though two weeks ago when I had a kid-free night I stayed home alone because he had been drinking and I didn't want to be with him after he drank. So... I'm not afraid of being alone. I do enjoy our time together and yes, we even drink wine together sometimes, which is incredibly hypocritical of me, I know. He even throws that up in my face sometimes, and I just say "Alcohol has never made me not keep a commitment or cause me to let down someone I love. I could take it or leave it, THAT is the difference between my drinking occasional wine and your drinking problem."

So, please help me understand myself. Why do I still do this? He's broke. He's gained at least 30 lbs over the 2.5+ years we've been together. He binge drinks and falls off the face of the earth for hours at a time, and then texts me the next day like all is fine. He is a compulsive gambler and truly believes he will win the lottery one day. He is SO unhealthy mentally and selfish and in incredible denial about his alcoholism and his gambling problem. WHY WHY WHY do I keep this man in my life?

Perhaps this question is better suited for a therapist appointment but I really just don't have time right now to go. So here I am asking all of you.

DreamsofSerenity

I think the answer to your question is very simple: you keep that man in your life because you are a codependent. I say that with tremendous empathy for your situation. My friends are totally baffled by my choice of men and think I deserve so much better. It was someone on SR who recently said "You accept the love you think you deserve." And it really resonated with me.

I'm assuming I have self esteem issues and that I don't think I am worthy of a better man. It could also be abandonment issues--if I date a guy who doesn't have his **** together, he'll never leave me. (That logic just recently blew up in my face but that's too much of a tangent to go into.) My main issue is indisputably codependency so I'm trying to work the steps of Al Anon without over thinking the subtleties of the disease.

All I can really tell you is to work on your codependency and have compassion for yourself. A therapist of mine did her training at a federal prison. She said you wouldn't believe the women some of the prisoners were involved with. They were gorgeous, smart, and successful... And obviously codies too! You are not alone.

HopefulmomtoD

Its as simple (or complicated) as you must get something out of it.

You need to figure out what that is and why you are willing to sacrifice the health and well being of your children to be with him.

Somehow you have to find time to get to the bottom of the why's- therapy, books, alanon

(want to add that I am not an "expert" in codependency in relationships- I'm here because of my alcoholic son.)

redatlanta

My guess is since you have been through this before and since you have years of Al Anon under your belt that you know why. Its time to work the steps in Al Anon to change your co-dependent behaviors.

Children raised in alcoholic homes generally either become alcoholics or marry one (or several). Please read the AcOA forum as to what happens to children raised in this type of environment and the long term affects it has on their lives. Your kids have already been exposed to the alcoholism of their father and now the alcoholism of your AB. By your own admission AB treats your children better than your EXAH but that "isn't saying much".

maybe you could change your perspective and look at it from the standpoint of your kids, and that may help you push this man out of your lives.

dollydo

Something deep down inside you compells you to reach out to the broken, perhaps a need to try and fix them. I do not know, I do know that until I realized that I didn't need a man to complete me, I began to find true happiness.

I was raised by an alcoholic, my mother, she always had to have a man, and she put her childrens well-being after her booze and her drunk abusive men. So, that is where I believe I got the "have a man" thing from, I married two alcoholics, my brother married a pill addict.

Neither my brother or I are addicts, nor did we have any children,we did not want to take a chance and possibly pass the gene onto another generation, probably a good thing as we
have a whole village of alkies and drug addicts in our family.

I am sorry that you are involved in this again, however,you do have choices and the tools available to make the right decision for you and your children.

niks85

I am so sorry for this what is happening to you but this is your second time woman... second time with a type of man that does not deserve you...
I have the same problem but this is my first time relationship, I dont know how to behave diferenty... I feel sorry for him, he promises that he will never drink again, I say OK, he drinks again, I go crazy, etc etc etc... For five years now...
No sex, no conversations, no nothing that a relationship should be. He is my first everything: sex, love, boyfriend... I was saving myself for someone good, kin, special, and he is all those things, except he drinks, and he lies to excuse himself
I'm sorry, for you and me, because there is obviously something really wrong with women like us

pattyG

serenity,

I am at the same place you are. My XAGF actually repulses me at times. I have started really examining why I pick this type. For what its worth, I am looking at my family dynamics. My mother was a very critical hard-to-please woman (still is!) and my father was gravely disabled since i was 12yo. I believe in this relationship I am trying to "fix" my past - ie. take care of my ill father and make my mother love me. My relationship with my ex involved alot of her blaming me for everything, seeing me as the enemy, and me trying to prove otherwise. A very familiar feeling that dates back to my childhood. I am not sure how to fix it yet. i am hoping that recognizing it will help somewhat in the process. Have you looked at your history to see what relationships this one mirrors for you?

Serenity8

Today he promised me AGAIN that he isn't going to drink anymore. I just laugh. This is a text I wrote to him this morning:

"I suppose you think it's OK, I mean, how many times have you disappeared before and I end up being fine with it? I'm not mad at you, just disgusted with myself and what I have come to accept from our relationship. And then we can act all happy and not totally dysfunctional this weekend right?? Isn't that how it usually goes?"

Another text:

"You can go out whenever the hell you want it's the disappearing act that has always been troubling for me. And I forgive you. I don't forgive myself for putting up with your ridiculousness. And for settling for someone who is unwell and needs help."

It was at that point that my phone rang. And he begged my forgiveness for falling off the face of the earth last night for hours and promised AGAIN to stop drinking. I just laugh about that, if he were able to stop drinking, wouldn't he have done it by now? No, we had no plans last night but our relationship is such that we do speak to each other each night or at least text a good night or something.

I just feel like I am in limbo, I never want to make plans ahead of time with him because when he acts like this I just want to run. My kids want to go to Washington DC for a long weekend in June when school ends and he wants to plan to come along with his kids and I won't do it, because I don't like to get locked into plans with him. This is a "one day at a time" kind of relationship. I do that for my own sanity.

I deserve better than this. Oh and I texted that to him too.

I hate how passive-aggressive I sound. I should know better.

Charlie529

Hi serenity, I'm going through a similar experience with my wife. She just started AA. But that doesn't help me feel that deep down she doesn't love me. I feel like I've wasted 16 years of my life sometimes.

wicked

Yes, you do deserve better than this, and so do your children. Do not plan on him ruining your vacation with your children. Please do not let him come at the last minute. Can you make this trip about you and your children alone? They will love it.

That is okay. I think recognition of the problem is a start to fixing it. When you know better you will do better. You sound very smart to me, and you are working on taking care of yourself. Maybe that means no more BS (alcoholics, disappearing, drama) for you.

Beth (wading out of the BS myself)

kasie

Hi Serenity,

At first, let me say that you're not alone! So many of us here at SR have even through the same thing. And it's heartbreaking.

I agree with the earlier point re co-dependency - but it's something that's really hard to admit. Like you, I have my stuff together: own my own home, good qualifications and career, etc., but my personal life is shot to pieces.

As for why we stay/have stayed in these situations for so long, I think part of the answer is that we're scared about being on our own. I recently broke up with my long-term partner, and while I wasn't particularly happy, I didn't want to leave or rock the boat because I was scared of being lonely, scared of having to start over, scared of what people would think.

At the end of the day, there's a point where we need to look after ourselves. I don't have any kids, but one of the reasons I'm pleased things have ended is because I was afraid of bringing children into a dysfunctional world with an A. You have a chance to break free - and the smarts to do so. So perhaps even though it will be tough, there's a bigger world out there and your kids need a positive role model.

I think the other thing to remember is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. If things are bad now, there's every chance they will get worse in the future - when you've invested more time, money and effort, making it harder to break free.

Keep coming back here - we're all here to support you. It's a fantastic family.

Xxx

KaelaRose

I'm also new here. Your story sounds almost like mine. I too wonder what is wrong with ME to put up with the ABF. All I can say is I'm doing a lot of soul searching lately, trying to figure out what happened to me, why I put up with the drinking. And how to move forward with my life for my kids sake

LexieCat

I think a lot of what kept me hooked in for so long was fear of the unknown. It just seemed so HARD to completely rearrange my life, compared to the unpleasant (but known) experience of living with an alcoholic. I knew what to expect, more or less. I also felt like I was abandoning a sick person--something that goes against my grain. But it finally sank in that he KNEW what to do to recover, he wasn't willing to do it, and I didn't deserve to be hostage to a sick person who was not willing to get better.

Florence

What if you didn't text him that? What if you said it to yourself and really sat on that statement? Owned it?

I went through this with my AH for a long time. There was a performative element to my declarations of self-worth. "I deserve better than this. This is beneath me. My kids don't deserve this. I don't want to do this with you!" Saying this was me trying to convince myself of its truth, while at the same time pleading for him to grow up, shape up, and be my partner.

At some point (LOTS OF THERAPY) I stopped telling him that my kids and I didn't deserve this and that we were sick of dealing with the fallout of his relapses. I felt it. I felt it for myself. When that happened, it was extremely easy to detach from his behavior and let go. We've lived apart for seven months now, and he shows few signs of change.

alchiewifey

I so agree with this, I stopped communicating all of these types of things to my alcoholic husband because there is NO POINT . I told him because I wanted him to agree and own up to it, and sometimes he would...for about 5 minutes.

Serenity8

Got myself to an al-anon meeting today and it was so great! Very centering... I have realized how much I have NOT been working my program. I mean, I know he isn't going to change, I see my future and he's not in it... I think I just feel guilty leaving him. There is a wonderful side to him, a side I love and adore, but I just can't accept the unacceptable behavior anymore. And it goes so beyond his drinking, even when he's not drinking he is still a "dry drunk" with all behavior that goes with it, finger pointing and taking everyone else's inventory. I am blessed to have the tools of the program to recognize this.

atalose

It’s a familiar dance and one you are accustomed to doing.

It’s your codieness.

It’s not working fully working your program.

It’s easier to dance with the devil you know then the one you don’t.

It’s the same package as your ex only wrapped in different paper.

Try and figure out exactly what it is you are getting out of this relationship.

And glad to see you went to a meeting.

Santa

Serenity8,

Last night as I lay in bed I went back over some of my poor relationship choices during the past 3 decades, including how I got into my 20-year former marriage to an alcoholic. Like you I am educated and accomplished. I like being praised for my competence at work and at home. In short these men pushed that button - they were my foils. Their loser situations fit into my need to be the competent and pulled-together one, to show that I had it all together better than anyone else. (Which of course, I did not.)

I had one meaningful relationship in my life with a fantastic man who loved me but did not need my help. Sadly I let that slip away so that I could help child-men with their problems. Wisdom is so late and so painful.

(P.S. my ex used to throw it in my face also if I ever had a single glass of wine. "I'm not the alcoholic, you are!")

ShootingStar1

"My issue is with me. WHY do I accept this?"

"So, please help me understand myself. Why do I still do this?"

These are such important questions to be asking, the keys to the first door of the kingdom that awaits you. You are on a very healthy track.

There is a book that I find fascinating that talks about why we stay with people who let us down and abuse us, and why, when we finally let them go, we too often just replace them with another who looks different but acts the same.

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes, PH.D has about the best insight on this that I've found.

As for me, I survived almost 20 years with a narcissistic abusive alcoholic, and begun to thrive now that I've been on my own for 9 months. As I looked into why I stayed so long, this book gave me a huge amount of insight. If we come from childhoods where we were abandoned, abused, neglected, overtly, or more subtlely, we are used to close relationships with people who betray us. We replicate that in our subsequent choices of life partners.

As children, we couldn't leave our families because we were children and we couldn't survive. So we developed more loyalty to the family system that kept us alive and functioning, no matter how poorly, than we developed loyalty to ourselves. Dr. Carnes calls these bonds "betrayal bonds", and his view is that we will never quit choosing different flavors of these destructive bonds until we heal the pattern of bonding that came from our original early experiences.

As adults, we can survive on our own. We don't have to be loyal to people who hurt us. But that doesn't make much emotional sense until you really tease it out of your past experiences.

When you do that, you can be free. And it is glorious.

ShootingStar1

mihgab

There is nothing wrong with you.When you start saying there is something wrong with you, your inner balance shifts.You know who you are. Don`t let anyone take that from you.
Peace