NMSweetie

Well, here I am, girlfriend of an alcoholic, opiate and PCP using addict who is almost done with his inpatient rehab stay. In 5 days, he will be out of the facility which is 200 miles away from my home. And I should be excited! I mean, he did this on his own and committed himself to his treatment. But right now, I am tired of being the rehab cheerleader. I want to burn my pom poms and scream. I get the standard 10 minute phone call. Where I am supportive and ask "What is the word of the day? What did you have for breakfast?" and say things like " I really am proud of you! Only 5 more days---I know you are frustrated---hang in there!"

But as I am halfway through reading "Codependent No More", I find myself being selfish. I can no longer talk about the minutia he talks about. No, we can't have a "real" conversation in 10 minutes so it is all surface talk. No substance. So all of the reasons I fell in love with this person (wit, humor, intellect, friendship) are so far removed from me right now due to his downward spiral. For two months, I have had none of it because of his addiction. So right now, all I want to yell at him is "What about ME?!?"

He talks about how stressed he is, how the people in the facility frustrate him, how his controlled environment frustrates him. But what about ME? All I can't think is "I am stressed too". I mean, he gets a free ride where he doesn't have to worry about rent, bills, groceries, a job---just working on himself. And I am here working my butt off, taking care of my son (he is not the father), volunteering, paying my bills, trying to figure out how to pay for a car repair. In other words, being a responsible adult.


And when friends ask me "Do you want to spend your forever with him?" the honest answer is "I don't know". We don't have normal relationships. When you love an addict, it is a one day at a time approach. If I don't know what will happen tomorrow, how can I know if I will be with him in a year? There is so much he would need to do to change---stay sober, find a job, stop lying, regain my trust, learn to communicate. It just now seems so overwhelming and the reality of our situation is hitting me square in the face. I don't want to go to Al-Anon meetings. I want to still go to happy hour with friends occasionally. So as much as these are his problems and I can't control him, unfortunately his life becomes my life too.

And for some reason, I feel so incredibly stupid. On paper, I seem great. Heck, I am the boss at my work, I have an incredible son, a great group of friends who are highly influential in our community---so why do I love someone who is so flawed?

Sungrl

Your story is mine verbatim. I mean exactly. Had all the same resentments and anger when my ABF was in the sober house. Same expectations as you. Just wanted a "normal" relaitionship with him. One that had trust, communication, forgivness. He started drinking as soon as he possibly could. The drugs came back into play about a month later. I really want nothing to do with him anymore. It still hurts, but I am worth more. You are too.

BeavsDad

When he gets out, will he be staying with you?

A Sober Living Environment for a few months is always a good option to see if the sober is gonna stick.

They will do drug testing and he'll have to get a job and become functional.

You won't have to play warden.

MeetJohnDoe

NMSweetie, your post reminds of this song whose refrain goes, "What about me? It isn't fair. I had enough and I want my share. Can't you see that you just take more than you give?"

I think it's impossible for him ever to undo the hurt he's given you. You deserve so much more. Build a new life. It sounds like you have a solid foundation. Find someone who will love and respect you (and himself). Maybe there is a part of you that thinks you can save or redeem him? Is that why you still have feelings for him? His failure is not yours. His weaknesses are not yours. Embrace the love and community you have around you, and don't let anyone drag you down.

broken101

"And when friends ask me "Do you want to spend your forever with him?" the honest answer is "I don't know". We don't have normal relationships. When you love an addict, it is a one day at a time approach"

My advice is to follow your instinct. Sometimes we tend to think with our heart and that is not always what's best for us. I had the same issue with my ex and from the very beginning I kept giving him chances and chances thinking that he will change, but I knew all along he would never change because he is not ready to not matter how much he says he is. A relationship with an active or recovering addict is very depressing, exhausting and suffocating to you. There is a healthy relationship waiting for you and you are just wasting your time. I know its hard because you love him, I do still love my ex and wants the best for him but I cannot and will not waste time and effort on someone who needs to deal with their own self. I say move on….

NMSweetie

Thank you all. It is amazing when you feel you have nowhere to turn or no one understands that there is a support network like you all out there.

Sungrl, when did you know it was officially over with him? You obviously stuck around to see him leave rehab then go right back to using. Your insight is appreciated, as I am full of anger, resentment, confusion and I don't know what to expect. The fear of the unknown is pretty scary.

BeavsDad, luckily he will not be staying with me. After having him in my home hallucinating from his withdrawal symptoms around my child, I decided then and there that I will never allow him to live with me. To visit and stay with me on days I don't have my child? Probably. But not permanently, as his demons became my demons, too (I can't sleep in my room alone anymore because it reminds me of him seeing ants on the walls, people in the bathroom, chasing 'aliens' down the hallway, talking about dolls in the bed---all non-existent, of course). He will be staying with his mother who lives 200 miles away. As I type this, I realize how lucky I am that he will be doing so, since it gives me physical distance to see if he really will work on himself in outpatient treatment, get a job, stay sober, etc. Of course, I am still emotionally invested in our relationship and will see him every two weeks or so for the weekend. If he can get everything worked out in his life, then his next step would be finding a job and HIS OWN apartment in my city.

MeetJohnDoe, I always said that he was (and is) my trifecta: 1) We are best friends; 2) I love his intellect/wit/humor and 3) We have an amazing sexual connection. It is just so sad that I have found these 3 things in a person who is such a train wreck. It is hard to have hope and rejoice in all of the promises and possibilities of the future when the present is so convoluted.

Sungrl

NMS, it was a rollercoaster ride for me for over two years. I knew it was over for me when as others have said, it hurt more to be with him then without. I cried too many tears over someone who just didn't give a damn. He would suck me in with promises of change. As I sat back and watced nothing change. Empty promises just get old after awhile. He keeps the same friends, locals and triggers he always has. Those actions were not keeping up with his words. Evertime we saw each other it was the same old crap. He would instigate arguments, he was the shadiest person I have ever met. If I askesd questions it was twisted around to make me the crazy one. I did my best to help him, until he started his own recovery nothing I said or did would make a damn difference. I guess for me it just simply got old. The same old thing for 2 + years. I finally figured out he was wasting my time and worst of all I was letting him. I wanted to go back several times. I just thought to myself one day, what the hell is going to be different this time. When I could finally see that nothing was going to, it hit me. There was nothing left to say that hadn't been said a thousand times by either of us. Done deal.

hello-kitty

While he is in rehab, this is time for you to do some really hard work on you.

Have you set any boundaries about the kind of relationship you will accept once he gets out of rehab?

Boundaries are "I" statements. Rules for YOU - to help you in the future.

For example

I will not be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs. If I even suspect drug use, I will end it. It will be over. We will not get back together.

I will not be in a relationship that is completely onesided where I feel like all I do is give and give and give. I will end it because I know it's better for both of us in the long run.

I will not stay in a situation where I feel disrespected. If someone is disrespecting me, I will walk away.

I will not knowingly accept lies in a relationship. If I even SUSPECT someone is lying, I will walk away.

I will not support an adult who is physically capable of supporting himself.

I will not clean up after an adult who is physically capable of cleaning up after himself.

I will work on me to be the best person that I can be. If I find that someone else is preventing me from doing that, I will go no contact until I get my life 100% in order.

I will not expect someone to do anything that I am not willing to do myself.

Those are my boundaries. But you get the picture. If you write them down, you are much more committed to sticking with them.

ADDICTEDTOANADD

"NMS, it was a roller-coaster ride for me for over two years. I knew it was over for me when as others have said, it hurt more to be with him then without. I cried too many tears over someone who just didn't give a damn. He would suck me in with promises of change. As I sat back and watched nothing change. Empty promises just get old after awhile. He keeps the same friends, locals and triggers he always has. Those actions were not keeping up with his words. Everytime we saw each other it was the same old crap. He would instigate arguments, he was the shadiest person I have ever met. If I asked questions it was twisted around to make me the crazy one. I did my best to help him, until he started his own recovery nothing I said or did would make a damn difference. I guess for me it just simply got old. The same old thing for 2 + years. I finally figured out he was wasting my time and worst of all I was letting him. I wanted to go back several times. I just thought to myself one day, what the hell is going to be different this time. When I could finally see that nothing was going to, it hit me. There was nothing left to say that hadn't been said a thousand times by either of us. Done deal."THIS IS MY LIFE....right now!!!!! DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS.....what you said rings so true!!!! I just gave him ANOTHER chance yesterday and i watched him get high and chase drugs until FIVE in the morning. Then I was his "visitor", but I was alone, because he was out all day chasing drugs. He says he needs to make money from drugs, but he is his BEST CUSTOMER!!!! I NEED to move on, but the hurt is so great. His love is DRUGS, NOT ME!!!!

shinebright7

NMS I agree with the others it is so great that you will have time to tend to yourself and your child while he is with his mom. Our job is not to be recovery cheerleaders for them. We need to be cheerleaders for our OWN recovery!

You're doing great by reading CoDependent No More and rightfully so you are wondering WHAT ABOUT ME...but in reality that question is directed to yourself...not to him.

I am reading it too and have recently asked myself the same thing....but I realized that I was talking to myself -- Hey ShineBright, what about myself?

I am so busy thinking about him and worrying about him and trying to control him and hoping things change with him that I have not been able to take care of myself. Yikes. THAT has got to change.

Thankfully with Al Anon it is changing and I feel hopeful that I can start to rebuild the relationship I have with MYSELF that I have severely neglected because I got so codepdently consumed with my addict husband. It's humbling to realize, but true.

And I am realzing that if I want any hope of having a wonderful marriage with my husband, that I have to get my own thinking and head on straight first.

He's going to do what he's going to do. He's been in AA meetings now for like 5 days, but I can not control his recovery. I have not jumped up and down about him going to meetings. I don't ask him all about them and what's he learning and which step is he on or does even relate to the steps or any of it. I am learning to practice detachment with love and have boundaries as Hello Kitty suggests.

That's with my realm of control. I also spent some time in no contact with my husband - because like you I just couldn't deal with the small talk anymore, or the drama about what was going on with his family. All about him all about him all about him. Meanwhile I was feeling sicker and sicker every time we talked. So I finally had to say I can't talk to you for a few days.

It was SOOO good that it happened. I really needed that space. You may find that you need some space to yourself after he goes to his mom's also.

We might worry, but what's going to happen to him? He's just out of detox. He needs my support. Yeah, I hear that...and no it's not true. Whether you talk to him or not, he's going to have his own experience of detox. We as the codependents or loved ones do not keep our loved ones in our out of recovery programs. We can't cause them to start using again and we can't stop them from using in the first place.

It's all up to them. And the sooner we realize that we're better off focusing on ourselves, not only for our own sake, but for our addict's sake too, the better.

Hang in there and keep coming around the forum here. There's so much good information and you're definitely not alone. xo

Redvelvetcake59

Hey,
You guys approach is a lot better than mine. My brother is the worst as he is long term hard core drug, alcohol and cigarette abuser for over 25 years and will not listen to anybody. I passed resentment many moons ago, however in the back of your mind you always think....is there anything else I can do to help the person recover? I have not found anything. He does the same thing over and over. I have blocked the calls, because I work in law enforcement he does not come to my house for fear of being locked up(yes, I will lock him up and have locked him up) but if I can avoid this I will which has not stopped any of his addictions.

He is running from demons that I have no idea about. My other family members are not helping because not only do they smoke cigarettes, drink but they are weed heads and this isn't a good thing during family events. It has almost gotten to the point where I can't associate with them for the obvious reason as well as legal reasons. Imagine not being able to associate with your entire family because they are always in possession of illegal controlled substances.....how pitiful, but no judgement here....adults can pretty much do whatever they want....but I can't allow it to cost me even if they allow it to cost them. I have tried so many things over the years including an intervention with the hard core abusers and the weed heads too. The arrogance of some people is mind boggling.

I finally had to walk away 3 years ago from any association. Phone calls are still being taken by me although I am really thinking about blocking them all. No need to play games about addiction. Just because some family members think weed isn.t serious, I happen to think it is a stairstep drug...but that's my opinion and its also illegal.

Kindeyes

That pretty well sums it up.

Sounds like you are slowly breaking out of the denial.....and that's good. Moving out of denial began for me with closely analyzing my resentments and beginning to recognize my part in them. It was a slow process, much like peeling away the layers of an onion. I could only handle so much at one time....one layer at a time.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Redvelvetcake59

I love reading all these post. It sure has been helpful while dealing with my brother and his issues. It is funny, but at first I thought that tough love was a cliche and that nobody actually does anything like that, but man...was I ever wrong.

I have actually gotten some really good ideas from you guys when dealing with the drug addict, the alcoholic and the substance abuser. I have been watching the enabling family members and their ways of trying to break me because I am the older sibling and all feel that I should be a little more understanding about the issue. Well, no disrespect to those others, but addicts and abusers are some of the best actors and story tellers that ever walked the face of the planet. I tell you, if Oscars were being given out, most of them would receive one.

I know that there are many on here who feel that I am insensitive and I know where we all came from, but at least we are trying. This is for those that refuse to try and could care less about how family members feel. We matter too. I remember a story from an actor who said he received the biggest shock of his life when his kids video taped him and put it on Facebook. He said that he has never been so embarrassed in his lifeand that was it for him. I have seen that actor on tv recently and he still looks good and has not had any other episodes. I wish all things were easy like that, but as we all know...life does not work out so easy like that....not for everybody.