The mil...

Old 03-26-2013, 09:08 AM
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Angry The mil...

So I will try to keep this short...

I have basically given up on my AH. Or maybe a better way of putting it... "let go" Any way he is riding the meth train to crazy town. I have seen his health deteriorate at a rapid pace lately. So I decieded about a month ago that someone in his family needs to know what is going on. So his mother ask me what is up. I took the opportunity to tell her.

At first I didn't want her to say any thing to him. Scared of his wrath. Then I thought.."who cares" I am planning on leaving anyway. I have pounded my head in the wall, begged him to get help, chased him down, begged for US to get help, cried, pleaded and yelled. You know the drill... He refuses. He pretty much wont even admit there is a problem.

So she goes and "talks" to him about a month ago. He says he just uses enough to "get by" He works 24/7 and uses that as an excuse. So then she acts like ok. I talked to him and everything is great, back to normal.

Last weekend she ask me what was up. Our kids keep her filled in that daddy doesn't come home. So I basically tell her nothing has changed. He doesn't come home and I am done. We have ZERO relationship left. (last week I had no contact with him for 3 days.) He is totally clueless and making horrible decisions with the business ect... She tells me she doesnt understand why he does the things he does. I tell her to google what meth does. So she does. I KNOW she doesn't understand how deep he is in. (I don't think I even know.. but because of this site I am slowly realizing how bad it is.) She can't understand him not coming home for 3 days to take a shower. ect... So she texts him. Tells him that he needs to work on this before its to late. Ie.. Me leaving with the kids.

So now the past few days he has come home. He didn't come home last night but he shows up this morning. See's the kids before they go to school and takes out the trash. Hahaha.... he hasn't taken the trash out EVER.

I know he is not clean. He is just putting on a show for his mother. But my problem is... I'm ANGRY! I don't want him there. I have told her that... don't make him come home, I say. It is easier when he is not there. And frankly I don't even want to look at his face at this point. He comes and makes promises to the kids he doesn't keep. I am furious at this point. I have also told her that I SURE don't want to be there when he "cleans up" He gets so nasty when he gets off of it. I have seen it. Not doing it again. and I told her that.

I know that she means well. And I know that she is saying "get your act together or you will lose your family" But at this point it's to little to late. I am just biding my time till I can leave. I have told her things will never get better if he doesn't change his work environment. She can talk to him till she is blue in the face. But the fact is he needs to get away from the people he surrounds himself with and GO TO REHAB! He can fake it all he wants but it means nothing to me. Just makes me in a bad mood. Cuz I am the one that has to deal with him coming home. She doesn't.

Thanks for letting me vent....

Maybe she will go away... It makes me not want to tell her anything. I just told her cuz I don't want his death on my head. I told her I was not going to be responsible for him in any way, any more. I guess I should be grateful. But I'm not. I just really resent him right now, and I'm angry... Even if he does clean up it is going to take a lot of work and time to fix this. It is not going to get fixed cuz you show up ONE day and take out the trash. He doesn't get that either. I know that he thinks. I showed up and made an appearance so It's "fixed". I have seen this act before. He comes home for a day or so and basically sleeps the whole time, and acts like well "i tried but your still being a bitch to me, so see ya." and, the cycle continues... It took us a long time to get in the situation... it will take a long time, and WORK to get out.
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:38 AM
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Sister, I'd change the locks. The responsible thing for me to say is get legal advice first.
But if you really feel as you say, you want him to just go, kick him out and initiate proceedings. If he gets clean later, you can figure out how you feel then.

No one should have to live the way you are living now. I'd create a little distance from MIL, too.

I hate the situation that drug addiction creates for all of us.
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:38 AM
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Oh yes, right now, my ex is in the "you are the bad one" mode. I also gave up on him. Abuse is abuse just because they don't hit you but the way they treat you when they are coming down! Moms will always take their side so don't worry about it. You could be worse. My ex's mom uses alongside with him and his dad. But now I'm the bitch cuz I kicked him out and won't let him see the baby til he gets cleaned up.
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:50 AM
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Hanna,
Your right. I should change the locks. But I don't want the house. I am saving $ to move.
And I think, Or KNOW your right about the distance between me and MIL. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her so he is just not out there doing his thing and no one has a clue. But now I think that I have told her I need to get out from under her. She is making a bad situation worse. I could live with it (until I got out) when he would never come home. But she is making that worse....
I have had legal advice. In fact I have hired an attorney... But he suggested I "move some money around" and not just jump the cliff till I had my ducks in a row.
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Old 03-26-2013, 10:10 AM
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i think it might be wise to take his MOTHER out of the equation. none of this is really HER fault....it's stuff between you and your husband. and your husband happens to have a serious drug problem and is currently allowed to waltz in and out of the house at a whim.

i know you are biding your time but meanwhile he's destroying what is left of his business (i presume) and probably wiping out the finances as we speak. i don't think you really HAVE the luxury of time here...not with the ticking time bomb known as meth addiction in your life. i'm not sure i can express just how bad this is....
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:25 AM
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Anvilhead,
Always the voice of harsh reality... Yes you are right. I will no longer inform his mother.. I just thought, being a mother myself of an addict. I wish someone would have told me that my son was drinking himself to death. As I thought she might want to know the same of her son. I had NO clue AS (there seems to be a pattern here of me going through life a clueless) was drinking/using again. We live 8 hours away and he was telling me how grand his life was SOBER! Needless to say, he was thrown in jail over a week ago and that is where i will leave him...
Anvilhead, I never really get the full affect of what goes on in a meth heads mind until you continually point it out to me. This is like a slow death. When I look back I was just going through life thinking this is how it was. He works, he's stressed.. As he was VERY SLOWLY manipulating and changing our life. It wasn't until about 3 weeks ago when I went to see my sister that how DYSFUNCTIONAL we really are... That he has cut off all our NORMAL friends..ect...
So yes, as much as I hate to admit it I am sure that I STILL have not grasp the depth of how bad this is... but I am trying... and learning... and I have come a long way... and still have a long way...
3 months ago leaving him was not even an option to me. I didn't think that I had that RIGHT to leave. I am slowly realizing that this is MY life and MY kids and he can't mess this up for us....
And yes, he is destroying the business and finances. We haven't made a mortgage payment in 3 months. And i am like a little mouse... frantically HIDING any dime I get my paws on, so I can have a place to live with my kids...
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:19 PM
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you ARE making progress and i am really proud of you (don't mean that to sound condescending!). i just encourage you not to dawdle too much!

so since his net worth is going in the sh*tter with an almost unavoidable lack of future income stream, what is YOUR plan to be self sufficient? have you discussed property laws in your state with your attorney? cuz miss doom and gloom here sees a mortgage going into default, a business going under with vendors going unpaid, along with taxes, insurance, maxed credit cards....stop me if i'm wrong here.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:42 PM
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Oh, yes, I have discussed that... that is why i called the attorney in the first place... It's tricky I tell you but at this point it is looking like he will have to settle with me. He has a ton of assets. they just are not liquid at this point... So at this point I think I can walk away from this deal free and clear... I use to be mad that nothing was in my name...
... What a blessing in disguise that was!
I just have to leave town before I file...
He will blow his top! It never ceases to amaze me that after all this and me telling him I will leave that he still comes home and acts like nothing is wrong.... I love you honey...hard day at work... blah, blah blah...
I always wonder to myself... does he REALLY think everything is ok? does he REALLY believe himself? It's totally crazy. And my sister said... he probably doesn't even have a clue why you would ever leave! or know what is fixing to hit him...
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