Forgiveness?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
Forgiveness?
forgiveness? it seems so elusive to me at times...like a foreign word. there was a time in my life when forgiving someone who hurt me, or did me wrong was something that i could do..especially if the person was really sorry and remorseful. i never wanted to "keep thing going." i wanted to get to the bottom of things....work it out...and move on...never to dwell on what happend, you know?
and then i learned that my husband is addicted to drugs and alcohol. and the filthy laundry list of all the horrible things he did...which pretty much falls in the "what addicts do" catagory seems almost impossible to "forgive." i mean...damn, he has done so much while "active in his addiction."
and you know what? he knew exactly what he was doing when he was destroying our marriage..and lying to me about doing drugs. no passes on that...no blaming it all on the "coke." nah. but during the time when he was using, he made a bunch of horrible decisions that destroyed our marriage.
so NOW, he wants to be a changed man. they guy is in rehab, we are in marriage counseling, and he has been clean for 90 days. i attend the family nights at rehab and i have learned so much about this disease. he is really walking the walk. that is all i care about. not interested in words. i need to see action, and i am seeing it.
i see a therapist to work through my own anger. and i find that helpful.
BUT, you guys, i am still mad. i am. i am smart enough, and experienced enough NOW to understand that love is not enough. not for a marriage, that is for sure. for me personally, marriage is built on truth, integrity, strength, honor, and commitment. "love" for me is really just the icing on the cake. that is how i feel. and he blew all of that.
so, i see that he is really trying to keep our family together. i am happy about that...most of the time...but i am just still so very angry for all that he did.
how do you forgive? as you can see, i have decided that i want to continue to reconcile with my husband, but it is hard to let go of all of the horrible things he did.
for those of you that stayed, what did you do?
and then i learned that my husband is addicted to drugs and alcohol. and the filthy laundry list of all the horrible things he did...which pretty much falls in the "what addicts do" catagory seems almost impossible to "forgive." i mean...damn, he has done so much while "active in his addiction."
and you know what? he knew exactly what he was doing when he was destroying our marriage..and lying to me about doing drugs. no passes on that...no blaming it all on the "coke." nah. but during the time when he was using, he made a bunch of horrible decisions that destroyed our marriage.
so NOW, he wants to be a changed man. they guy is in rehab, we are in marriage counseling, and he has been clean for 90 days. i attend the family nights at rehab and i have learned so much about this disease. he is really walking the walk. that is all i care about. not interested in words. i need to see action, and i am seeing it.
i see a therapist to work through my own anger. and i find that helpful.
BUT, you guys, i am still mad. i am. i am smart enough, and experienced enough NOW to understand that love is not enough. not for a marriage, that is for sure. for me personally, marriage is built on truth, integrity, strength, honor, and commitment. "love" for me is really just the icing on the cake. that is how i feel. and he blew all of that.
so, i see that he is really trying to keep our family together. i am happy about that...most of the time...but i am just still so very angry for all that he did.
how do you forgive? as you can see, i have decided that i want to continue to reconcile with my husband, but it is hard to let go of all of the horrible things he did.
for those of you that stayed, what did you do?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband chalked up a list of transgressions while he was using also. Therapy has helped me a lot, talking about my feelings and getting to the very bottom of why it hurt me. It was a long journey down when I started that exploration. My husband and I also did marriage counseling, and we had to discuss all of this. It helped to view things through his eyes, and get a sense of what he was thinking and feeling while all these staples of our marriage were deteriorating. I love my husband, but I also agree that a solid marriage cannot exist if there is not mutual respect, trust, honesty, commitment. I consider all of those things to be like the tent poles of our marriage. I needed to forgive my husband because holding all that anger and hurt inside was unhealthy for me.
I really believe that while my husband was responsible for his actions while he was using; the drugs also altered his perception, his reality. To my satisfaction I believe he did things he would never have done if sober. Through counseling, I was able to accept that he had deep pain over his actions; and he was struggling to forgive himself. Knowing he was remorseful was the final thing that allowed me to forgive.
There was a separate issue where I had to re-evaluate his character and determine if we still shared the same set of values; determine if I could in time learn to fully trust him again, recommit to a lifelong marriage. Even though I decided I could, I still get hit with anger, or maybe it would better be defined as sadness. My husband wasn’t there while I went through my pregnancy, or the birth of our first child. I remember how alone I felt, and it still hurts. I realize now though that it is all in the past, and there is nothing either of us can do to go back and change it. There is nothing, you know. All we can do is focus on the present, and our future.
I know what you are going through is very painful. I think your taking all the right steps to get where you need to be. The answers are within, and you will find them when the time is right.
I really believe that while my husband was responsible for his actions while he was using; the drugs also altered his perception, his reality. To my satisfaction I believe he did things he would never have done if sober. Through counseling, I was able to accept that he had deep pain over his actions; and he was struggling to forgive himself. Knowing he was remorseful was the final thing that allowed me to forgive.
There was a separate issue where I had to re-evaluate his character and determine if we still shared the same set of values; determine if I could in time learn to fully trust him again, recommit to a lifelong marriage. Even though I decided I could, I still get hit with anger, or maybe it would better be defined as sadness. My husband wasn’t there while I went through my pregnancy, or the birth of our first child. I remember how alone I felt, and it still hurts. I realize now though that it is all in the past, and there is nothing either of us can do to go back and change it. There is nothing, you know. All we can do is focus on the present, and our future.
I know what you are going through is very painful. I think your taking all the right steps to get where you need to be. The answers are within, and you will find them when the time is right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you allforcnm....you have no idea how helpful your post was tonight. i cant sleep. i have that feeling of sadness...and anger. you know? my therapist says that i need to address the anger and really work through this...as not doing so would be unhealthy for me. and i want to be healthy. i want to be happy. the mind movies of all the bad things he did is just hard to deal with at times.
i do believe for the first time really, that he is very sorry and remorseful for the bad things he did. i never felt that before..early on. i think the true remorse came over time...actually when he got serious about being clean and sober. then the i think the weight of the kind of pain he caused me became a reality for him...and he took responsibility for it. doing "whatever it takes" to reestablish trust in the marriage. and it is a long road. the blind trust that i had for him for so many years has been obliterated.....and honestly, i am not sure if i will ever trust him, or anyone for that matter again...not blindly. i too felt abandoned when i was pregnant with our son a few years ago. he pretty much led a double life that i knew nothing about...and the things that i did know...i wasnt ready to accept...i was in denial as well. now i know everything...the whole truth and nothing but the whole dirty truth...and it is part of our reality now.
but as you said..it is all in the past..and honestly, there is nothing we can do about "what happend." all i can do is focus on what he is doing now...and hopefully, after enough time, after enough examples of being honest and transparent....maybe the trust will return. i hope so, because like you, i love my husband. i have decided to reconcile....to keep our marriage and our family together.
one thing that you said that really hit home....was that your husband was struggling to forgive himself as well. i see that in him. it is hard too. in counseling he said that he feels so much shame for all he has done.
i also struggle with the character issue....he swears that we share the same values..that the old party lifestyle is behind him, and that "he never wants to go back." he says this all the time, and so far, his actions back it up. i am however always wondering about his character....i ask myself all the time, would he do this if he were sober? maybe i havent gotten to the point where i am satisfied yet. maybe it will just take more time. and sometimes i think...what if it really were a character flaw? and now he really wants to make some changes in his life, you know? it just so happens that he is a coke addict, and i cant pretend that he was making the best decisions while doing coke everyday too, you know? at the end of the day, he is trying to be a better man. i guess we will just have to take it day by day.
thanks again for your post.
i do believe for the first time really, that he is very sorry and remorseful for the bad things he did. i never felt that before..early on. i think the true remorse came over time...actually when he got serious about being clean and sober. then the i think the weight of the kind of pain he caused me became a reality for him...and he took responsibility for it. doing "whatever it takes" to reestablish trust in the marriage. and it is a long road. the blind trust that i had for him for so many years has been obliterated.....and honestly, i am not sure if i will ever trust him, or anyone for that matter again...not blindly. i too felt abandoned when i was pregnant with our son a few years ago. he pretty much led a double life that i knew nothing about...and the things that i did know...i wasnt ready to accept...i was in denial as well. now i know everything...the whole truth and nothing but the whole dirty truth...and it is part of our reality now.
but as you said..it is all in the past..and honestly, there is nothing we can do about "what happend." all i can do is focus on what he is doing now...and hopefully, after enough time, after enough examples of being honest and transparent....maybe the trust will return. i hope so, because like you, i love my husband. i have decided to reconcile....to keep our marriage and our family together.
one thing that you said that really hit home....was that your husband was struggling to forgive himself as well. i see that in him. it is hard too. in counseling he said that he feels so much shame for all he has done.
i also struggle with the character issue....he swears that we share the same values..that the old party lifestyle is behind him, and that "he never wants to go back." he says this all the time, and so far, his actions back it up. i am however always wondering about his character....i ask myself all the time, would he do this if he were sober? maybe i havent gotten to the point where i am satisfied yet. maybe it will just take more time. and sometimes i think...what if it really were a character flaw? and now he really wants to make some changes in his life, you know? it just so happens that he is a coke addict, and i cant pretend that he was making the best decisions while doing coke everyday too, you know? at the end of the day, he is trying to be a better man. i guess we will just have to take it day by day.
thanks again for your post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by allforcnm 
I really believe that while my husband was responsible for his actions while he was using; the drugs also altered his perception, his reality. To my satisfaction I believe he did things he would never have done if sober. Through counseling, I was able to accept that he had deep pain over his actions; and he was struggling to forgive himself. Knowing he was remorseful was the final thing that allowed me to forgive.
i am like you guys. i need to forgive as well. too many lies for too long time. i still got this anger, almost pchysical in my body everyday. its reaaly hard to hide it when im trying to be nice...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Miller,
I think sincere forgiveness is a process that takes time. I was completely shocked about the extent of my husband's addiction. I ignored many red flags because of ignorance to addiction, fear and denial.
The betrayal was almost paralyzing. I would never have thought my husband's priority wouldn't be to protect his family at all costs and put us first. But sadly, when it comes to addiction, I know realize how naive I was.
Like you, my priority was my family, and trying to be a good wife and mother and was blindsided when his addiction was revealed. During our separation, I stayed faithful and sought help. I never betrayed our vows, or my husband so forgiveness was a little harder because I couldn't justify his behavior by comparing it to my own poor choices.
I still struggle with the pendulum of forgiveness and anger/hurt at times. When he relapsed after his surgery, it brought back all those old feelings I thought I resolved. I realized forgives and acceptance are too very different things. It's all a process and we have to experience each feeling as they come.
Sounds like your husband is making great efforts and that is a blessing to be thankful for. IMO, over time, his actions can help rebuild your foundation and this time it can be built on a more solid, honest foundation. Hang in there, be easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and then let it go.
I try to use SR to vent my feelings so I do not take them out on him. Sadly, at times, I have shamed and blamed him. I know he feels already feels very bad and disappointed with himself and expressing my anger and hurt was not helpful for him. Doesn't mean I am not entitled to those feelings, I just try to be healthier or less destructive about how I express them now.
Wishing you all the best.
I think sincere forgiveness is a process that takes time. I was completely shocked about the extent of my husband's addiction. I ignored many red flags because of ignorance to addiction, fear and denial.
The betrayal was almost paralyzing. I would never have thought my husband's priority wouldn't be to protect his family at all costs and put us first. But sadly, when it comes to addiction, I know realize how naive I was.
Like you, my priority was my family, and trying to be a good wife and mother and was blindsided when his addiction was revealed. During our separation, I stayed faithful and sought help. I never betrayed our vows, or my husband so forgiveness was a little harder because I couldn't justify his behavior by comparing it to my own poor choices.
I still struggle with the pendulum of forgiveness and anger/hurt at times. When he relapsed after his surgery, it brought back all those old feelings I thought I resolved. I realized forgives and acceptance are too very different things. It's all a process and we have to experience each feeling as they come.
Sounds like your husband is making great efforts and that is a blessing to be thankful for. IMO, over time, his actions can help rebuild your foundation and this time it can be built on a more solid, honest foundation. Hang in there, be easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and then let it go.
I try to use SR to vent my feelings so I do not take them out on him. Sadly, at times, I have shamed and blamed him. I know he feels already feels very bad and disappointed with himself and expressing my anger and hurt was not helpful for him. Doesn't mean I am not entitled to those feelings, I just try to be healthier or less destructive about how I express them now.
Wishing you all the best.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Before I respond to this, I'm going to add the disclaimer that I only speak for myself.
How do I forgive?
Simple: I haven't forgiven my AXGF and I likely won't.
And the reason that is is she, when admitted to being unfaithful to me, did so in a way to maximize the damage she inflicted on me. She enjoyed hurting me and enjoying trying to cut me down. Sure, I can point to the fact that she's both an addict and someone with a character disorder and be correct when I say she's sick. But that does not make it OK. And my values are such that how she conducted herself runs orthogonal to those values. To me, it's simply unforgivable, trying to destroy another person.
Let her make her peace with God. At the end, she answer to Him, not me.
Best,
ZoSo
How do I forgive?
Simple: I haven't forgiven my AXGF and I likely won't.
And the reason that is is she, when admitted to being unfaithful to me, did so in a way to maximize the damage she inflicted on me. She enjoyed hurting me and enjoying trying to cut me down. Sure, I can point to the fact that she's both an addict and someone with a character disorder and be correct when I say she's sick. But that does not make it OK. And my values are such that how she conducted herself runs orthogonal to those values. To me, it's simply unforgivable, trying to destroy another person.
Let her make her peace with God. At the end, she answer to Him, not me.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i too ignored so much about my husband's addiction. i wanted to hold on to my family, my marriage...and was in denial. turns out that my husband has been doing these hard drugs off and on for the last 17 years. i have been with him for 12. i would see certain things, and hear about things...but i never thought it was a "problem." a problem....what? no way. but now, i see that it is much more than a recreational thing...it was a secret way of life with him that involved doing a lot of horrible things to destroy the marriage. you name it, he did it. and now its out.
see...i think that in order for me to really move on, i have to accept that he was doing what he wanted to do. yes, do coke, drink, and all the other crap that destroyed the marriage. i dont think he intentionally went into all of this thinking..."i want to hurt my wife." no. i think he like the lifestyle...the party. going out, getting high, doing lines with his friends who were all "down" too...cheating...and completely living another life outside of being a "family man." i think the coke and drinking became a way of life...i can see that now, in looking back. i knew about the drinking being a problem (but made excuses for him/enabled)...but the coke was a whole other story. and if i was honest with myself, i dont think that had anyone or even him brought this to my attention...that i would have been in a place to handle it. i would have rugswept i think...and never held him accountable to do anything right. i wasnt strong enough a year ago to leave him.
it's different now. when the truth came out...i was really to end it all...and i did..and we separated. it was only until after all of that drama, and the entire truth came out...and the reality of my marriage was brought to light did any real work begin to repair the marriage.
so, yes he did all of that but i still feel that anger/hurt for everything it took to get "here." i know that if i am going to stay with him, i cant continue to berate him, shame him...or start fights bringing up all that happend. i know that. that is why i come here to SR...and talk to my therapist. i need to see him trying...and in order for this to work, he has to see that the work he is doing is "helping."
i think it is about "acceptance." i really do. i have to accept that my husband did what he wanted to do...and for a long time...and continued to do it because he wanted to and didnt think he would get caught. the coke addiction was thrown in there too...that too was somethign that he wanted to do. he knew all the risk of this dangerous lifestyle..and chose to live it. he did that. he was functional and went to work everyday, paid the bills, and brought me flowers...so he was not the stereotypical cokehead roaming the streets. he knew full well what he was doing.
so what has changed? do i think people can change? yes, i do. i changed. i am no longer an enabler and i was for years. i have respect for myself, and would rather be alone than have a man treat me like a doormat. i am strong, more confident. and that took a major change on my part to take the steps i needed to take to get emotionally healthy. i am with my husband, becasue i want to be...not because i am afraid to be without him.
do i think my husband changed? i think it is possible. it is still too early in the game. i think he wants to. he has given up all the old party guys. i dont think he is cheating (as much as any woman ever really, really knows about that...i am much wiser now and would never be naive enough to think..."my man would never cheat on me...this is just my own personal belief...i'm jaded, and that is okay...i would rather be jaded)....he passes all his drug tests...and he shows up for the family...he is present...being a good dad, and husband....acting like a grown up....rather than a 40 year old who cant wait to hang with his friends, get high...and waste time. i think it took my husband losing me, going to jail, get "busted" in so many ways...and all of his betrayals coming to light...not seeing his son...all of it...i think when all of that happend...he decided to change his life. that's it. i think he realized that coke and the lifestyle just wasnt working for him.
so, yeah, i think he is making changes. only time will tell. one thing i do know, is that i have no control over what my husband does. all i can do is focus on me and get well...and try to let some of this anger go, so that i dont go crazy.
he just needs to keep doing what he is doing....stay in rehab...and be a part of an after rehab program. he talks about this all the time. and just do the right thing. that's all. that is the way he will build trust.
see...i think that in order for me to really move on, i have to accept that he was doing what he wanted to do. yes, do coke, drink, and all the other crap that destroyed the marriage. i dont think he intentionally went into all of this thinking..."i want to hurt my wife." no. i think he like the lifestyle...the party. going out, getting high, doing lines with his friends who were all "down" too...cheating...and completely living another life outside of being a "family man." i think the coke and drinking became a way of life...i can see that now, in looking back. i knew about the drinking being a problem (but made excuses for him/enabled)...but the coke was a whole other story. and if i was honest with myself, i dont think that had anyone or even him brought this to my attention...that i would have been in a place to handle it. i would have rugswept i think...and never held him accountable to do anything right. i wasnt strong enough a year ago to leave him.
it's different now. when the truth came out...i was really to end it all...and i did..and we separated. it was only until after all of that drama, and the entire truth came out...and the reality of my marriage was brought to light did any real work begin to repair the marriage.
so, yes he did all of that but i still feel that anger/hurt for everything it took to get "here." i know that if i am going to stay with him, i cant continue to berate him, shame him...or start fights bringing up all that happend. i know that. that is why i come here to SR...and talk to my therapist. i need to see him trying...and in order for this to work, he has to see that the work he is doing is "helping."
i think it is about "acceptance." i really do. i have to accept that my husband did what he wanted to do...and for a long time...and continued to do it because he wanted to and didnt think he would get caught. the coke addiction was thrown in there too...that too was somethign that he wanted to do. he knew all the risk of this dangerous lifestyle..and chose to live it. he did that. he was functional and went to work everyday, paid the bills, and brought me flowers...so he was not the stereotypical cokehead roaming the streets. he knew full well what he was doing.
so what has changed? do i think people can change? yes, i do. i changed. i am no longer an enabler and i was for years. i have respect for myself, and would rather be alone than have a man treat me like a doormat. i am strong, more confident. and that took a major change on my part to take the steps i needed to take to get emotionally healthy. i am with my husband, becasue i want to be...not because i am afraid to be without him.
do i think my husband changed? i think it is possible. it is still too early in the game. i think he wants to. he has given up all the old party guys. i dont think he is cheating (as much as any woman ever really, really knows about that...i am much wiser now and would never be naive enough to think..."my man would never cheat on me...this is just my own personal belief...i'm jaded, and that is okay...i would rather be jaded)....he passes all his drug tests...and he shows up for the family...he is present...being a good dad, and husband....acting like a grown up....rather than a 40 year old who cant wait to hang with his friends, get high...and waste time. i think it took my husband losing me, going to jail, get "busted" in so many ways...and all of his betrayals coming to light...not seeing his son...all of it...i think when all of that happend...he decided to change his life. that's it. i think he realized that coke and the lifestyle just wasnt working for him.
so, yeah, i think he is making changes. only time will tell. one thing i do know, is that i have no control over what my husband does. all i can do is focus on me and get well...and try to let some of this anger go, so that i dont go crazy.
he just needs to keep doing what he is doing....stay in rehab...and be a part of an after rehab program. he talks about this all the time. and just do the right thing. that's all. that is the way he will build trust.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i know i am saying a lot...i guess i just need to "talk" to my supporters here...thank you for giving the forum to do this....
the other part of this whole thing is trying to forgive...or let go of just how horribly he acted with the blaming. i mean, he blamed me for everything going wrong in his life. blame, blame, blame. that is hard to get over, you know? and then just not taking any responsibility for his actions...none. sure, he is different now...but i am talking about back then. when we were separated...he told his family all kinds of bad things about me....they enable him...and took his side of course...and they blame me too for all his problems and his addiction. his brother actuallly told me in a text message..."i would drink too if i were with you." yes, he said that. his family is toxic and has a lot of issues which is a whole other issue...but he still "allowed it." rather than manning up...and putting his cowboy boots on...he just acted like a kid and blamed me and told them how bad i was. of course steering all of the attention away from the real problem...his addictions...and having him take full responsibility for screwing up his life...and then because everythign was so bad...keep using and acting a fool in the streets. that angers me.
i feel like he never really "had my back." he was always trying to "fool me." whether it be the secret lifestyle...the way he acted with his family by not sticking up for me....or just by taking any responsibility for his problem. it is almost like he stuck up for everyone BUT me during this time. i was never first as i should have been. it was always somethign else going on...on the side.
ahhhhhhhhhh, the ugliness of a drug addict life...so sad.
so, i am working through this anger. i feel like i want to throw it in his face all the time. but i cant. we talk about things in a constructive way in marriage counseling. and it helps to hear him speak up in family rehab about how he is reestablishing trust.
but...man oh man...what monster he was.
the other part of this whole thing is trying to forgive...or let go of just how horribly he acted with the blaming. i mean, he blamed me for everything going wrong in his life. blame, blame, blame. that is hard to get over, you know? and then just not taking any responsibility for his actions...none. sure, he is different now...but i am talking about back then. when we were separated...he told his family all kinds of bad things about me....they enable him...and took his side of course...and they blame me too for all his problems and his addiction. his brother actuallly told me in a text message..."i would drink too if i were with you." yes, he said that. his family is toxic and has a lot of issues which is a whole other issue...but he still "allowed it." rather than manning up...and putting his cowboy boots on...he just acted like a kid and blamed me and told them how bad i was. of course steering all of the attention away from the real problem...his addictions...and having him take full responsibility for screwing up his life...and then because everythign was so bad...keep using and acting a fool in the streets. that angers me.
i feel like he never really "had my back." he was always trying to "fool me." whether it be the secret lifestyle...the way he acted with his family by not sticking up for me....or just by taking any responsibility for his problem. it is almost like he stuck up for everyone BUT me during this time. i was never first as i should have been. it was always somethign else going on...on the side.
ahhhhhhhhhh, the ugliness of a drug addict life...so sad.
so, i am working through this anger. i feel like i want to throw it in his face all the time. but i cant. we talk about things in a constructive way in marriage counseling. and it helps to hear him speak up in family rehab about how he is reestablishing trust.
but...man oh man...what monster he was.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Looking at all of my feelings and dissecting them has had a powerful healing effect on me, but it has also been a painful process. It helped me to look at not only what my husband did, but how I responded. I had to take ownership for my thoughts, feelings & behavior. In counseling my husband expressed anger towards me. It turns out, like me he discovered a lot of his anger was misplaced, and he had to take the hit.
This I do believe: when he was using drugs, many things were distorted in his mind. But it wasn't always the drug use that caused the distortion, sometimes it was the horrible feelings that he had about himself. To make himself feel better, he projected some of those negative feelings onto me. anger for abandoning him, for not being patient, for carrying on with my life and not having it all come to a standstill because he was gone, for not running after him and begging him to come home. He was hurt, angry, felt betrayed & unloved. So he responded to those feelings; they were real to him.
My guess is your husband felt something similar. He didn't 'have your back' because he was using the excuse that you were a "meanie" to remove the guilt, shame, worthlessness he was feeling about himself, and bonus he was getting comfort, positive reinforcement from his family. Possibly he was "fooling you" with his double life, but while he was struggling to keep it all hidden, and sinking lower in his self respect; in his eyes, you were really the stronger one, and that caused him to feel resentment.
Addiction causes a very sick, twisted mess for the addict and those that love them. I believe it can all be unraveled, but it takes time, honesty, and commitment by both people. What helped me was being able to understand the thoughts & feelings behind my husband’s actions, & behaviors. Not just that he was shifting blame, but why was he doing that, what was he feeling to make him do that, and were those feelings real to him (even if they were not really valid in my mind). And then to me, I felt his drug use did leave him at a disadvantage in terms of his ability to reason, and always make proper judgments.
I made a promise to myself that I would not drag up my husband’s past behavior and use it against him now, or in the future. Once it has been discussed constructively through marriage counseling, and forgiveness is granted; then I feel like ownership of any negative feelings belongs to me because it becomes an issue of coping, or emotion maintenance. I think this is why it is so important not to rush the process. I had to really feel at peace before I could grant forgiveness and know I could set it free.
This I do believe: when he was using drugs, many things were distorted in his mind. But it wasn't always the drug use that caused the distortion, sometimes it was the horrible feelings that he had about himself. To make himself feel better, he projected some of those negative feelings onto me. anger for abandoning him, for not being patient, for carrying on with my life and not having it all come to a standstill because he was gone, for not running after him and begging him to come home. He was hurt, angry, felt betrayed & unloved. So he responded to those feelings; they were real to him.
My guess is your husband felt something similar. He didn't 'have your back' because he was using the excuse that you were a "meanie" to remove the guilt, shame, worthlessness he was feeling about himself, and bonus he was getting comfort, positive reinforcement from his family. Possibly he was "fooling you" with his double life, but while he was struggling to keep it all hidden, and sinking lower in his self respect; in his eyes, you were really the stronger one, and that caused him to feel resentment.
Addiction causes a very sick, twisted mess for the addict and those that love them. I believe it can all be unraveled, but it takes time, honesty, and commitment by both people. What helped me was being able to understand the thoughts & feelings behind my husband’s actions, & behaviors. Not just that he was shifting blame, but why was he doing that, what was he feeling to make him do that, and were those feelings real to him (even if they were not really valid in my mind). And then to me, I felt his drug use did leave him at a disadvantage in terms of his ability to reason, and always make proper judgments.
I made a promise to myself that I would not drag up my husband’s past behavior and use it against him now, or in the future. Once it has been discussed constructively through marriage counseling, and forgiveness is granted; then I feel like ownership of any negative feelings belongs to me because it becomes an issue of coping, or emotion maintenance. I think this is why it is so important not to rush the process. I had to really feel at peace before I could grant forgiveness and know I could set it free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
Forgiveness? You forgive someone who forgets your birthday etc. Forgiveness for what my AH has done to me, to our life is really difficult. Intellectually I know I can't hold on to all the hurt he caused me, however dealing with all that comes from a drug addict, lying, stealing etc. broke my trust big time. My resentment is the total waste of precious time trying to make a marriage work. It's not supposed to be all about him all of the time. Love and marriage is supposed to be fun and fulfilling, not some marathon of trying to 'help' the other person day in and day out stay off drugs or alcohol. Forgiveness soothes the soul, indifference sets you free.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Miller, holding your husband accountable for his choices and actions, and not trying to "psychoanalyze" or justify his behavior, sounds like a healthy way to heal.
Seems like during your separation, you did some very honest and hard work on yourself. IMO, if you keeping working on you - all the answers and/or solutions will come and will become easier over time.
P.S. Your husband has to live and own his choices of infidelities. Always be thankful your strength and self respect prevented you from making the same mistakes, especially during your painful separation.
Although, I made many stupid mistakes during the height of codependency, I am thankful that I never betrayed myself or my marriage. I think I would really struggle with forgiving myself more.
Seems like during your separation, you did some very honest and hard work on yourself. IMO, if you keeping working on you - all the answers and/or solutions will come and will become easier over time.
P.S. Your husband has to live and own his choices of infidelities. Always be thankful your strength and self respect prevented you from making the same mistakes, especially during your painful separation.
Although, I made many stupid mistakes during the height of codependency, I am thankful that I never betrayed myself or my marriage. I think I would really struggle with forgiving myself more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you guys for the support. everything that you are saying is very helpful. i am going to take your advice and words of wisdom.
one thing i am going to work on is not thowing all the bad things he did up in his face....or thinking about doing that all the time. last night my husband came to me to tell me how much he loved me, how thankful he was home, and how happy he is that we are working things out...and of course how sorry he is...and how he would never make the same mistakes again. he talked about how regarding his family, he has taken responsibility for his actions by owning what he did wrong...the cheating, doing drugs, going to jail, lying...all of it. and of course realizes exactly what he has and what is important and taking the steps he needs to take to stay in recovery.
and after he said all of that....i just wanted to ask him why he did what he did? i wanted to throw all of the bad things up in his face. but i held my tongue. i knew that it woudl not be productive to do that. i have to work through this anger. i dont want to be mad all the time...it eats at me. and i feel like i am wasting so much time doing that.
one thing i am going to work on is not thowing all the bad things he did up in his face....or thinking about doing that all the time. last night my husband came to me to tell me how much he loved me, how thankful he was home, and how happy he is that we are working things out...and of course how sorry he is...and how he would never make the same mistakes again. he talked about how regarding his family, he has taken responsibility for his actions by owning what he did wrong...the cheating, doing drugs, going to jail, lying...all of it. and of course realizes exactly what he has and what is important and taking the steps he needs to take to stay in recovery.
and after he said all of that....i just wanted to ask him why he did what he did? i wanted to throw all of the bad things up in his face. but i held my tongue. i knew that it woudl not be productive to do that. i have to work through this anger. i dont want to be mad all the time...it eats at me. and i feel like i am wasting so much time doing that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Miller05 & AllforCnm: you both have my utmost respect. While it is not easy to end a relationship (not implying it is by any means), it is also incredibly difficult to work on restoring a relationship / family and put it back into a healthy status, after you have been traumatized by all that has happened.
My son and his wife, they were left traumatized after the death of their little boy. There was no addiction in the picture at that time; it was all grief and pain. They chose to pull away from each other, handle their suffering alone, even placing anger and blame on the other when it was obviously not valid.
Its been over two years, and while they now no longer blame the other, the connection was lost & wont ever be restored. His ex wife came to visit a few months ago, and while she seemed to have some desire to try to rekindle a relationship, he says there will never be anything between them except the past. He feels their bond was not strong enough, didnt have the depth it needed to help them survive when they were tested.
I wish you both the best with your relationships, and continued health and sobriety to your husbands.
My son and his wife, they were left traumatized after the death of their little boy. There was no addiction in the picture at that time; it was all grief and pain. They chose to pull away from each other, handle their suffering alone, even placing anger and blame on the other when it was obviously not valid.
Its been over two years, and while they now no longer blame the other, the connection was lost & wont ever be restored. His ex wife came to visit a few months ago, and while she seemed to have some desire to try to rekindle a relationship, he says there will never be anything between them except the past. He feels their bond was not strong enough, didnt have the depth it needed to help them survive when they were tested.
I wish you both the best with your relationships, and continued health and sobriety to your husbands.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
mrs dragon...thank you for your post. i am very sorry about your grandson. i do understand what you are saying. what you said made me really think. i thought about what you said about your son. how his ex wife wanted to perhaps reconcile, but he on the other hand, may not want to....because he feels maybe their bond was not strong enough initially. and because of that, he may want to move on since the relationship was tested when the worst thing happend, and it did not survive.
i feel like my marriage has been tramautized...i have been tramautized...but we are still here...fight. rehab, marriage counsling, and inididual therapy. i dont know...maybe that means something. it would have been easier to walk away...that is for sure...i mean it would hurt to leave...but we have not. it is harder to stay...after all that has happend...but i think what keeps us together is that there is a strong bond/connection that was there before any of this happend...and for now at least...worth fighting for. i dont think we will get that back....it wont be the same....that old bond/connection must be part of the past. after all we have been through, it must be something completely different.....something honorable and honest....and mature. maybe we will come out on the other side and have this....i dont know. i do have hope.
i feel like my marriage has been tramautized...i have been tramautized...but we are still here...fight. rehab, marriage counsling, and inididual therapy. i dont know...maybe that means something. it would have been easier to walk away...that is for sure...i mean it would hurt to leave...but we have not. it is harder to stay...after all that has happend...but i think what keeps us together is that there is a strong bond/connection that was there before any of this happend...and for now at least...worth fighting for. i dont think we will get that back....it wont be the same....that old bond/connection must be part of the past. after all we have been through, it must be something completely different.....something honorable and honest....and mature. maybe we will come out on the other side and have this....i dont know. i do have hope.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by Miller05
...it wont be the same....that old bond/connection must be part of the past. after all we have been through, it must be something completely different.....something honorable and honest....and mature. maybe we will come out on the other side and have this....i dont know. i do have hope.
You also have children, so whatever ends up happening; I think knowing that you both tried - that is something you will never regret. You will be able to look at your kids and tell them in honesty that you both put the hard work in on your marriage. It will set an amazing example for them in terms of the value that was put on marriage and commitment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
