Long Distance Boyfriend Recovering
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
Long Distance Boyfriend Recovering
Hi everyone -- I've been browsing for almost a year and decided it was time for me to ask for help.
Long story "short" -- Met my boyfriend in high school (we were both 16), dated for two years until we split for college and then got back together two years later, the summer after our second year (we are now both seniors). It was then that I found out that he had gotten into prescription drugs (opiates..xanax, oc, etc.) big time. It's the "california college thing" apparently (I'm from Ohio ... what do i know). His parents found out, threw him into outpatient rehab, but that didn't work. I don't honestly know when he started using again, since I wasn't there and he has always been good about putting on a happy face.
This past summer, we moved in together to spend the summer in California. Everything was great until I found bath salts in our house and he admitted to that. He made a big scene out of being "done" and it was a "one-time" mistake, etc and I believed him. Then things just got worse over the next two months. He slept for hours a day, hallucinated, lied to me, said horrible things to me, etc (you all know, I'm sure). Some of my worst memories are of the nights that I had to stay up all night because he would be continually vomiting in his sleep on his back. He started getting lazy and I'd find xanax bars EVERYWHERE. I'm talking in bed with us.
Again and again I told him that he needed to get his act together. I stayed up with him all night through the withdrawals and the pain and the tears, but it was the lies that really hurt me. It seemed like my mantra was "it's not about the drugs, it's the lie!" he didn't get it. Finally, I just broke down and said "I think I only have one more time left in me." He used his chance, and I packed my bags and bought a plane ticket home. That shocked him for sure -- he came clean to his parents and his psychiatrist and for the first time, I could see him identifying the problem and making an effort to change it, so I stayed with him. He quit completely cold turkey and ended up having a seizure; scared him to death what he had done to himself.
So that's the story. And now I'm just left for the aftermath. He is finishing up his last year in California and I'm finishing my last year in Ohio. I'm supposed to move there after graduation permanently to be with him. He is doing really well. He's cut out most of his friends from his life, and really wants to be done with drugs. I'm so proud of him for what he has done. But he doesn't remember a damn thing from the three months we spent together. He says that "wasn't him." I know that's a coping mechanism for guilt, but for me, it WAS him! Right? I'm just scared. He's slipped up a few times -- and I know that's natural, but he still lies to me about it and it breaks my heart.
I'm so scared. We are so far away and I can just feel the distance between us getting worse than it ALREADY IS because of this. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal with this. I know my sadness brings him down. I think I finally realize that it's not resentment that I feel towards him (although, consistent apologies don't hurt...), it's just fear.
How do I know "that person" isn't going to come back as soon as move there? How do I know that the person I moved in with this summer (we considered it a "trial period" for life... we love each other so much, and always have, but you can't deny the long distance relationship complicates things) was just "the drugs" not "my boyfriend"? Is it too much for me to expect him to want to prove that to me? I've tried to be supportive by putting his health and well being as my main priority but our relationship is on the back burner now and it's starting to show ... and hurt. I want to be supportive of him, and I don't want to expect too much out of him too soon. What kind of expectations are too much when it comes to fixing the relationship... from 3000 miles away?
Thank you so much for reading. You all have been such an inspiration to me. I would not have made it through this tough time without you all. I wish I could reach out and hug every single one of you because I feel your pain, and I know you do mine. Loving an addict is so complicated. But to me, he isn't just an addict. He is my love and I want to see this through. You all have been my strength. Thank you.
Long story "short" -- Met my boyfriend in high school (we were both 16), dated for two years until we split for college and then got back together two years later, the summer after our second year (we are now both seniors). It was then that I found out that he had gotten into prescription drugs (opiates..xanax, oc, etc.) big time. It's the "california college thing" apparently (I'm from Ohio ... what do i know). His parents found out, threw him into outpatient rehab, but that didn't work. I don't honestly know when he started using again, since I wasn't there and he has always been good about putting on a happy face.
This past summer, we moved in together to spend the summer in California. Everything was great until I found bath salts in our house and he admitted to that. He made a big scene out of being "done" and it was a "one-time" mistake, etc and I believed him. Then things just got worse over the next two months. He slept for hours a day, hallucinated, lied to me, said horrible things to me, etc (you all know, I'm sure). Some of my worst memories are of the nights that I had to stay up all night because he would be continually vomiting in his sleep on his back. He started getting lazy and I'd find xanax bars EVERYWHERE. I'm talking in bed with us.
Again and again I told him that he needed to get his act together. I stayed up with him all night through the withdrawals and the pain and the tears, but it was the lies that really hurt me. It seemed like my mantra was "it's not about the drugs, it's the lie!" he didn't get it. Finally, I just broke down and said "I think I only have one more time left in me." He used his chance, and I packed my bags and bought a plane ticket home. That shocked him for sure -- he came clean to his parents and his psychiatrist and for the first time, I could see him identifying the problem and making an effort to change it, so I stayed with him. He quit completely cold turkey and ended up having a seizure; scared him to death what he had done to himself.
So that's the story. And now I'm just left for the aftermath. He is finishing up his last year in California and I'm finishing my last year in Ohio. I'm supposed to move there after graduation permanently to be with him. He is doing really well. He's cut out most of his friends from his life, and really wants to be done with drugs. I'm so proud of him for what he has done. But he doesn't remember a damn thing from the three months we spent together. He says that "wasn't him." I know that's a coping mechanism for guilt, but for me, it WAS him! Right? I'm just scared. He's slipped up a few times -- and I know that's natural, but he still lies to me about it and it breaks my heart.
I'm so scared. We are so far away and I can just feel the distance between us getting worse than it ALREADY IS because of this. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal with this. I know my sadness brings him down. I think I finally realize that it's not resentment that I feel towards him (although, consistent apologies don't hurt...), it's just fear.
How do I know "that person" isn't going to come back as soon as move there? How do I know that the person I moved in with this summer (we considered it a "trial period" for life... we love each other so much, and always have, but you can't deny the long distance relationship complicates things) was just "the drugs" not "my boyfriend"? Is it too much for me to expect him to want to prove that to me? I've tried to be supportive by putting his health and well being as my main priority but our relationship is on the back burner now and it's starting to show ... and hurt. I want to be supportive of him, and I don't want to expect too much out of him too soon. What kind of expectations are too much when it comes to fixing the relationship... from 3000 miles away?
Thank you so much for reading. You all have been such an inspiration to me. I would not have made it through this tough time without you all. I wish I could reach out and hug every single one of you because I feel your pain, and I know you do mine. Loving an addict is so complicated. But to me, he isn't just an addict. He is my love and I want to see this through. You all have been my strength. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Seems you have 6 months to figure out how the next big portion of your life will be spent. You have been lied to and disrespected by someone you love. That sucks and it isn't ok just because of the drugs.
You can't test the "action, not words" theory unless you visit a few times and keep your eyes wide open. He's an addict. They lie. Alot. Talk is just talk.
Even then, another summer "trial period" may be in order before you step onto the roller coaster full-time.
Then again, he may end up having a wonderful recovery.
Still makes sense not to rush anything and trust your gut.
Make some boudaries and be prepared to stick to them, no matter how painful.
You don't get a second chance at your youth and you don't want to waste it being disrespected while laundering pukey sheets.
Good luck and be careful.
You can't test the "action, not words" theory unless you visit a few times and keep your eyes wide open. He's an addict. They lie. Alot. Talk is just talk.
Even then, another summer "trial period" may be in order before you step onto the roller coaster full-time.
Then again, he may end up having a wonderful recovery.
Still makes sense not to rush anything and trust your gut.
Make some boudaries and be prepared to stick to them, no matter how painful.
You don't get a second chance at your youth and you don't want to waste it being disrespected while laundering pukey sheets.
Good luck and be careful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you aren't planning to move out there permanently until the summer, my guess is that more will be revealed between now and then which will stir your gut and make you question whether he is really clean.
Is he in weekly counseling? Is he in a weekly recovery program? Addiction is much more than just getting high to escape dealing with life. It creates a personality that is lying, manipulative, guilting, blame-shifting, grandiose, self-absorbed, at times ruthless and abusive. That personality has to be monitored by the addict with vigilance, and it takes more than just saying "I won't be that guy again." Addiction changes the brain for life. An addict who is not actively receiving professional support and is not participating in recovery with other addicts is not an addict I would trust to stay clean. The unconscious need for the drug he fell in love with can overtake his thinking and soon he is off drug-seeking with his whole heart. Drug addicts are MESSED UP. They do not fix themselves. They are too sick. They need the right help from the right people.
There is no question that if you try to stand between him and the drug while he is in active addiction, he will leave you. Or he will behave in ways that are so abusive that he forces you to leave him and then accuses you of abandoning him. It is impossible to maintain a safe and healthy relationship with a drug addict who has no genuine recovery.
SR will be here for future developments. But a good Nar-Anon or Al-Anon group and a counselor for yourself will eventually be essential. You will be walking into very dangerous waters. Even if he is in recovery. Codependents can minimize the risk to their emotional, mental and physical health when they commit to an addict. If you do not have your own support system, you will be under his control.
Is he in weekly counseling? Is he in a weekly recovery program? Addiction is much more than just getting high to escape dealing with life. It creates a personality that is lying, manipulative, guilting, blame-shifting, grandiose, self-absorbed, at times ruthless and abusive. That personality has to be monitored by the addict with vigilance, and it takes more than just saying "I won't be that guy again." Addiction changes the brain for life. An addict who is not actively receiving professional support and is not participating in recovery with other addicts is not an addict I would trust to stay clean. The unconscious need for the drug he fell in love with can overtake his thinking and soon he is off drug-seeking with his whole heart. Drug addicts are MESSED UP. They do not fix themselves. They are too sick. They need the right help from the right people.
There is no question that if you try to stand between him and the drug while he is in active addiction, he will leave you. Or he will behave in ways that are so abusive that he forces you to leave him and then accuses you of abandoning him. It is impossible to maintain a safe and healthy relationship with a drug addict who has no genuine recovery.
SR will be here for future developments. But a good Nar-Anon or Al-Anon group and a counselor for yourself will eventually be essential. You will be walking into very dangerous waters. Even if he is in recovery. Codependents can minimize the risk to their emotional, mental and physical health when they commit to an addict. If you do not have your own support system, you will be under his control.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
How do I know "that person" isn't going to come back as soon as move there?
Everyone has the right to change and I truly hope that your bf is committed to living clean and sober. I hope you'll stay focused on yourself and finishing up school. Just take care of you, k?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm glad that you are asking these questions and have been reading around. I'm always struck by the absurbity of the whole thing that we (the codie end of things) are always on here wondering how to support "them" and what they need. Are they ever on a site lamenting about the lies that they have told us and how bad "we feel".
"We" move across the country, "we" attempt to move past the lies and the hurt. There is a tendency for a real discrepancy to develop in relationships that involve addiction.
The short version of my long story is that my boyfriend was addicted. He quit using and worked a recovery program. After 18 months of clean time I married him. That month he quit going to meetings. He remained sober but his behavior changed. My read on it is that the ever-alive addict within him began to destroy our relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. When that didn't run me off he became physically abusive. I finally left. He's back using again...."just some Adderall, alcohol, and weed time to time".....not his DOC (cocaine). Except he did relapse on that for 8 months - no telling if he's telling the truth now.
So....I totally agree about the need for an addict to work a recovery program relentlessly. That's a lot of trust to put into someone that has a shaky history at best. Trust your gut....if in doubt "don't"....all those slogans work. Being involved with even a recovering addict means that you need/must your own strong recovery program. What are you doing to dig in deep and have your own program? Are you willing to work a strong program for the rest of your life? Those are all things that need to be considered as you think about your future.
Keep us posted....there is lots of support and wisdom here. Sending you hugs...
"We" move across the country, "we" attempt to move past the lies and the hurt. There is a tendency for a real discrepancy to develop in relationships that involve addiction.
The short version of my long story is that my boyfriend was addicted. He quit using and worked a recovery program. After 18 months of clean time I married him. That month he quit going to meetings. He remained sober but his behavior changed. My read on it is that the ever-alive addict within him began to destroy our relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. When that didn't run me off he became physically abusive. I finally left. He's back using again...."just some Adderall, alcohol, and weed time to time".....not his DOC (cocaine). Except he did relapse on that for 8 months - no telling if he's telling the truth now.
So....I totally agree about the need for an addict to work a recovery program relentlessly. That's a lot of trust to put into someone that has a shaky history at best. Trust your gut....if in doubt "don't"....all those slogans work. Being involved with even a recovering addict means that you need/must your own strong recovery program. What are you doing to dig in deep and have your own program? Are you willing to work a strong program for the rest of your life? Those are all things that need to be considered as you think about your future.
Keep us posted....there is lots of support and wisdom here. Sending you hugs...
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