Rock bottom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London uk
Posts: 8
Rock bottom.
Hi everyone,
I have alot of issues that I need help with. Its a delicate subject which is why I find myself here looking for answers and support anonoymously.
I have always had problems with drink, I started at 12 and have never been able to handle it. Ive quit a few times only to be lured back in by the confidence it gives me and that amazing buzz you get when you are between sober and tipsy.
Anyway, I went out on Saturday for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I had an amazing night and totally forgot myself when it came to the drink. Myself and my friend decided to carry on the party somewhere else. And kept drinking!
My next memory is getting a cab home to find I couldnt get in.I thought I was locked out where as in actual fact there was a key under the bin just cm's away from me.
BANG BANG BANG 'LET MEEEEEEE IN' Im sure you get it..
A neighbour took me into their flat to calm down. All I remember after this was being arrested for common assault and seeing my beautiful boyfriend covered in scratches and blood. I have absolutely no recollection of anything.
After a night in the cell I came home and was so horrified by the state of my mans face I broke down.
He is still here, says he loves me and he knew Id blacked out when this happened. He knows I would never ever hurt him when sober. He wants to help and support me to find inner peace and finally get rid of my demons.
This isnt the first time this has happened though. Ive been voilent (never to this degree before) 3 times in 3 years. Each when blind drunk, each time I have no recollection and each time I have been completely disgusted and horrified with myself.
My boyfriend is from a good family, has never really been in a fight, Im his first serious relationship. He has supported me through my darkest hours, encouraged me to start my own business and has my back 100% He would do anything for me. Anything.
I have decided I cant drink, all the bad things that have happened in my life are down to alcohol. I dont want this life anymore.
I have everything I want, a beautiful boyfriend, an amazing daughter, I work for myself and I have a nice bunch of mates.
I suffer with depression, low self esteem and I have alot of insecurities. I thought I was winning the battle with all of them until this happened.
He is having to lie about the marks on his face as he doesnt want people judging me when they dont know me. Im devastated. Im so sad that it has come to this. I have broken my own heart into a million peices and I dread to think what it has done to his soul.
I have hit rock bottom. Im disgusted, deeply ashamed, mortified and so sad that I have hurt one of the people I love the most in the world. I feel suicidal.
I have alot of issues that I need help with. Its a delicate subject which is why I find myself here looking for answers and support anonoymously.
I have always had problems with drink, I started at 12 and have never been able to handle it. Ive quit a few times only to be lured back in by the confidence it gives me and that amazing buzz you get when you are between sober and tipsy.
Anyway, I went out on Saturday for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I had an amazing night and totally forgot myself when it came to the drink. Myself and my friend decided to carry on the party somewhere else. And kept drinking!
My next memory is getting a cab home to find I couldnt get in.I thought I was locked out where as in actual fact there was a key under the bin just cm's away from me.
BANG BANG BANG 'LET MEEEEEEE IN' Im sure you get it..
A neighbour took me into their flat to calm down. All I remember after this was being arrested for common assault and seeing my beautiful boyfriend covered in scratches and blood. I have absolutely no recollection of anything.
After a night in the cell I came home and was so horrified by the state of my mans face I broke down.
He is still here, says he loves me and he knew Id blacked out when this happened. He knows I would never ever hurt him when sober. He wants to help and support me to find inner peace and finally get rid of my demons.
This isnt the first time this has happened though. Ive been voilent (never to this degree before) 3 times in 3 years. Each when blind drunk, each time I have no recollection and each time I have been completely disgusted and horrified with myself.
My boyfriend is from a good family, has never really been in a fight, Im his first serious relationship. He has supported me through my darkest hours, encouraged me to start my own business and has my back 100% He would do anything for me. Anything.
I have decided I cant drink, all the bad things that have happened in my life are down to alcohol. I dont want this life anymore.
I have everything I want, a beautiful boyfriend, an amazing daughter, I work for myself and I have a nice bunch of mates.
I suffer with depression, low self esteem and I have alot of insecurities. I thought I was winning the battle with all of them until this happened.
He is having to lie about the marks on his face as he doesnt want people judging me when they dont know me. Im devastated. Im so sad that it has come to this. I have broken my own heart into a million peices and I dread to think what it has done to his soul.
I have hit rock bottom. Im disgusted, deeply ashamed, mortified and so sad that I have hurt one of the people I love the most in the world. I feel suicidal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 22
I can relate to a lot of your experiences. I've been violent to my ex, got in fights with my best friend, and even, im so ashamed to say..my son.
My son no longer lives with me
I'm glad you've hit rock bottom, think of everything you have to lose.
I didnt realise how close i was to losing my son, my friends, everything...and now its happened. Don't let yourself get to that point :/
Wishing you strength for your recovery.
My son no longer lives with me
I'm glad you've hit rock bottom, think of everything you have to lose.
I didnt realise how close i was to losing my son, my friends, everything...and now its happened. Don't let yourself get to that point :/
Wishing you strength for your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I too have become angry and hurtful in a black out. The major thing that keeps me sober today is that i don't want to be that person ever again. The only way to guarantee that doesn't happen is by not taking that first drink. Don't dwell on this incident but do keep it fresh because we quickly forget the misery and that can send us back out drinking. Welcome to SR, you will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
You're very lucky he is so supportive and understanding. I lashed out at my husband (before we were married) a few times when I was very drunk. I too have no recollection and was disgusted with myself.
I know the feelings of shame and horror you feel towards yourself. I remember them so well. I too suffer with depression and low self esteem, but the good news is that since I have been sober my mental health has improved more than I could have dreamt of. Depression and alcohol is not a good mix for anyone - you will see that your mood lifts remarkably when you stop drinking, and stop adding more events to your list of things you hate yourself for - believe me, I know.
Welcome to SR. This place is fantastic.
Wishing you all the best.
I know the feelings of shame and horror you feel towards yourself. I remember them so well. I too suffer with depression and low self esteem, but the good news is that since I have been sober my mental health has improved more than I could have dreamt of. Depression and alcohol is not a good mix for anyone - you will see that your mood lifts remarkably when you stop drinking, and stop adding more events to your list of things you hate yourself for - believe me, I know.
Welcome to SR. This place is fantastic.
Wishing you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Buns 
Hi everyone,
I have alot of issues that I need help with. Its a delicate subject which is why I find myself here looking for answers and support anonoymously.
I have always had problems with drink, I started at 12 and have never been able to handle it. Ive quit a few times only to be lured back in by the confidence it gives me and that amazing buzz you get when you are between sober and tipsy.
Anyway, I went out on Saturday for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I had an amazing night and totally forgot myself when it came to the drink. Myself and my friend decided to carry on the party somewhere else. And kept drinking!
My next memory is getting a cab home to find I couldnt get in.I thought I was locked out where as in actual fact there was a key under the bin just cm's away from me.
BANG BANG BANG 'LET MEEEEEEE IN' Im sure you get it..
A neighbour took me into their flat to calm down. All I remember after this was being arrested for common assault and seeing my beautiful boyfriend covered in scratches and blood. I have absolutely no recollection of anything.
After a night in the cell I came home and was so horrified by the state of my mans face I broke down.
He is still here, says he loves me and he knew Id blacked out when this happened. He knows I would never ever hurt him when sober. He wants to help and support me to find inner peace and finally get rid of my demons.
This isnt the first time this has happened though. Ive been voilent (never to this degree before) 3 times in 3 years. Each when blind drunk, each time I have no recollection and each time I have been completely disgusted and horrified with myself.
My boyfriend is from a good family, has never really been in a fight, Im his first serious relationship. He has supported me through my darkest hours, encouraged me to start my own business and has my back 100% He would do anything for me. Anything.
I have decided I cant drink, all the bad things that have happened in my life are down to alcohol. I dont want this life anymore.
I have everything I want, a beautiful boyfriend, an amazing daughter, I work for myself and I have a nice bunch of mates.
I suffer with depression, low self esteem and I have alot of insecurities. I thought I was winning the battle with all of them until this happened.
He is having to lie about the marks on his face as he doesnt want people judging me when they dont know me. Im devastated. Im so sad that it has come to this. I have broken my own heart into a million peices and I dread to think what it has done to his soul.
I have hit rock bottom. Im disgusted, deeply ashamed, mortified and so sad that I have hurt one of the people I love the most in the world. I feel suicidal.
I have alot of issues that I need help with. Its a delicate subject which is why I find myself here looking for answers and support anonoymously.
I have always had problems with drink, I started at 12 and have never been able to handle it. Ive quit a few times only to be lured back in by the confidence it gives me and that amazing buzz you get when you are between sober and tipsy.
Anyway, I went out on Saturday for a few drinks for a friends birthday. I had an amazing night and totally forgot myself when it came to the drink. Myself and my friend decided to carry on the party somewhere else. And kept drinking!
My next memory is getting a cab home to find I couldnt get in.I thought I was locked out where as in actual fact there was a key under the bin just cm's away from me.
BANG BANG BANG 'LET MEEEEEEE IN' Im sure you get it..
A neighbour took me into their flat to calm down. All I remember after this was being arrested for common assault and seeing my beautiful boyfriend covered in scratches and blood. I have absolutely no recollection of anything.
After a night in the cell I came home and was so horrified by the state of my mans face I broke down.
He is still here, says he loves me and he knew Id blacked out when this happened. He knows I would never ever hurt him when sober. He wants to help and support me to find inner peace and finally get rid of my demons.
This isnt the first time this has happened though. Ive been voilent (never to this degree before) 3 times in 3 years. Each when blind drunk, each time I have no recollection and each time I have been completely disgusted and horrified with myself.
My boyfriend is from a good family, has never really been in a fight, Im his first serious relationship. He has supported me through my darkest hours, encouraged me to start my own business and has my back 100% He would do anything for me. Anything.
I have decided I cant drink, all the bad things that have happened in my life are down to alcohol. I dont want this life anymore.
I have everything I want, a beautiful boyfriend, an amazing daughter, I work for myself and I have a nice bunch of mates.
I suffer with depression, low self esteem and I have alot of insecurities. I thought I was winning the battle with all of them until this happened.
He is having to lie about the marks on his face as he doesnt want people judging me when they dont know me. Im devastated. Im so sad that it has come to this. I have broken my own heart into a million peices and I dread to think what it has done to his soul.
I have hit rock bottom. Im disgusted, deeply ashamed, mortified and so sad that I have hurt one of the people I love the most in the world. I feel suicidal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by pinkyreturns
I can relate to a lot of your experiences. I've been violent to my ex, got in fights with my best friend, and even, im so ashamed to say..my son.
My son no longer lives with me
I'm glad you've hit rock bottom, think of everything you have to lose.
I didnt realise how close i was to losing my son, my friends, everything...and now its happened. Don't let yourself get to that point :/
Wishing you strength for your recovery.
My son no longer lives with me
I'm glad you've hit rock bottom, think of everything you have to lose.
I didnt realise how close i was to losing my son, my friends, everything...and now its happened. Don't let yourself get to that point :/
Wishing you strength for your recovery.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Buns, now you wholeheartedly want to quit, what is your plan? Do you have strategies for when you start craving a drink, or when the memory of your behaviour fades a bit? Good intentions are essential but try to back them up with real plans. Some things to consider:
See your doctor for practical and moral support
Contact AA
Read up as much as you can on alcoholism
Have some strategies in place to deal with strong cravings
Hang around SR
Write down your reasons for quitting and read them daily
Best wishes for your journey.
See your doctor for practical and moral support
Contact AA
Read up as much as you can on alcoholism
Have some strategies in place to deal with strong cravings
Hang around SR
Write down your reasons for quitting and read them daily
Best wishes for your journey.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 496
Your story sounds familiar. That's the insanity of this disease. Sometimes it takes us to reach rock bottom before we are ready for help. You've come to a great place. Also I would suggest looking into other programs for help and support. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 5
Hi Buns,
The beauty of this ever forgiving life is that each morning you wake up you get a brand new chance to decide what your life is going to be. So just decide to be the wonderful person, your boyfriend and mates know you are, get some help and start seeing yourself.
You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you...now go get started on your new life.
Best,
Happily
The beauty of this ever forgiving life is that each morning you wake up you get a brand new chance to decide what your life is going to be. So just decide to be the wonderful person, your boyfriend and mates know you are, get some help and start seeing yourself.
You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you...now go get started on your new life.
Best,
Happily
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Welcome Buns.
There are many, many, posters here "who have been in similar situations and have come through the other side". If you look around at the different sub-forums, you will read struggles, long term recovery from alcohol, "slips" and a myriad of other experiences. You will also hopefully find hope and come to understand, really understand, you don't ever, EVER have to drink again.
In other words, you not alone and you can stop and stay stopped.
There are many, many, posters here "who have been in similar situations and have come through the other side". If you look around at the different sub-forums, you will read struggles, long term recovery from alcohol, "slips" and a myriad of other experiences. You will also hopefully find hope and come to understand, really understand, you don't ever, EVER have to drink again.
In other words, you not alone and you can stop and stay stopped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London uk
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Buns, now you wholeheartedly want to quit, what is your plan? Do you have strategies for when you start craving a drink, or when the memory of your behaviour fades a bit? Good intentions are essential but try to back them up with real plans. Some things to consider:
See your doctor for practical and moral support
Contact AA
Read up as much as you can on alcoholism
Have some strategies in place to deal with strong cravings
Hang around SR
Write down your reasons for quitting and read them daily
Best wishes for your journey.
See your doctor for practical and moral support
Contact AA
Read up as much as you can on alcoholism
Have some strategies in place to deal with strong cravings
Hang around SR
Write down your reasons for quitting and read them daily
Best wishes for your journey.
Hi there,
I am already on waiting lists for cognitive behavourial therapy to deal with my thought and behaviour patterns. I have an appointment with my doctor shortly to finally go back on to anti depressants.
Im not sure I have a plan as such yet. Ive made promises before but broke them due to lack of willpower and complacency. I dont want to say the same things over and over. Words dont mean anything anymore. I just want to do it.
to the family! YOu'll find lots of support here. :ghug3
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Hi buns,
You could be writing my story including being self-employed having a beautiful daughter and everything else.
i have woken up in police cells with no memory of the night before, I have promised myself never again and its happened again. The reason because iam an alcoholic once I take 1 drink you never know how it will end sometimes its good but sometimes its hell.
I personal have met people that have committed awful crime whilst drunk and have wasted many many years in prison.
What are you going to do differently this time?? Because nothing changes if nothing changes you know! Have you looked in to any recovery groups AA or SMART, RR, women for sobriety? To name a few..
We all have insecurities its part of being human but we don’t all drink huge quantities of alcohol to mask them feelings, try some counselling maybe!!
You have made a great first step with your post, there are some great people on here with some good solid advice!
Good luck
LH
You could be writing my story including being self-employed having a beautiful daughter and everything else.
i have woken up in police cells with no memory of the night before, I have promised myself never again and its happened again. The reason because iam an alcoholic once I take 1 drink you never know how it will end sometimes its good but sometimes its hell.
I personal have met people that have committed awful crime whilst drunk and have wasted many many years in prison.
What are you going to do differently this time?? Because nothing changes if nothing changes you know! Have you looked in to any recovery groups AA or SMART, RR, women for sobriety? To name a few..
We all have insecurities its part of being human but we don’t all drink huge quantities of alcohol to mask them feelings, try some counselling maybe!!
You have made a great first step with your post, there are some great people on here with some good solid advice!
Good luck
LH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London uk
Posts: 8
Hi Lionhearted1,
Im trying to figure out what to change and how to do it. I dont have a problem with not drinking the first couple of months. Infact I find it quite empowering. The guilt keeps me away from the booze... Well, until like you say - its fades. I start back with one or two drinks on a night out. Limit myself, stick to drinks I know dont affect me, give myself a pat on the back each time I manage to have a few drinks without saying or doing anything bad.. (notice how, now its 'a few drinks').
It will eventually creep up on me to the point I am waking up thinking, I know, I will have a baileys in my coffee and I am doing that everyday. The cycle only stops once something dreadful has happened. If I dont break the cycle I am going to have no quality of life what-so-ever.
I feel very alone, the guilt is overwhelming.
Im trying to figure out what to change and how to do it. I dont have a problem with not drinking the first couple of months. Infact I find it quite empowering. The guilt keeps me away from the booze... Well, until like you say - its fades. I start back with one or two drinks on a night out. Limit myself, stick to drinks I know dont affect me, give myself a pat on the back each time I manage to have a few drinks without saying or doing anything bad.. (notice how, now its 'a few drinks').
It will eventually creep up on me to the point I am waking up thinking, I know, I will have a baileys in my coffee and I am doing that everyday. The cycle only stops once something dreadful has happened. If I dont break the cycle I am going to have no quality of life what-so-ever.
I feel very alone, the guilt is overwhelming.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
