Divorce level?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 108
Divorce level?
So now I am a...let's get it right...a 'stupid f'ing c-nt' and he never loved me and I should feel lucky to have him. I haven't cried in ages about him, but this affected me like I never let it before. I'm here crying my eyes out as he mutters 'dumb c-nt' and goes downstairs. We own a house together and and I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to, I've never had a bf before and I feel like he has always used this against me...a safe harbor because no one as lonely as me would ever risk leaving him. And he'd be right. 
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I've never had a bf before and I feel like he has always used this against me...a safe harbor because no one as lonely as me would ever risk leaving him. And he'd be right."
May I ask...are you married?How old are you and how long have you been with him?
May I ask...are you married?How old are you and how long have you been with him?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ok, thank you.
IMO, abuse, whether it be physical or verbal is a deal breaker. Verbal abuse leave scars on the inside, on our soul, many times much worse than the outer physical ones.
Your house issue can be resolved, it can be put up for sale.
As for being lonely, I live alone and am not lonely, I have a wonderful, peaceful life. One
can be in a room with 1000 people and still be lonely, this is an inside job, it all begins and ends with you, staying with him will not cure your loneliness, actually the state of your relationship may be part of the problem.
I believe that I had read that you were in therapy at one time, if you are not today, I would consider doing so.
If you plan to stay with him, you will need a full recovery toolbox and learn how to use all the tools.
Take care of you and keep posting, it will help.
IMO, abuse, whether it be physical or verbal is a deal breaker. Verbal abuse leave scars on the inside, on our soul, many times much worse than the outer physical ones.
Your house issue can be resolved, it can be put up for sale.
As for being lonely, I live alone and am not lonely, I have a wonderful, peaceful life. One
can be in a room with 1000 people and still be lonely, this is an inside job, it all begins and ends with you, staying with him will not cure your loneliness, actually the state of your relationship may be part of the problem.
I believe that I had read that you were in therapy at one time, if you are not today, I would consider doing so.
If you plan to stay with him, you will need a full recovery toolbox and learn how to use all the tools.
Take care of you and keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Friend, my AH moved me around to make sure I never grew roots. Made sure to always keep me a bit off center. Made sure I didn't make friends. Made sure I had nowhere to turn.
What I've learned is that there is always somewhere to turn. Always. Breathe. And know you always, always have an absolute right to not live with abuse.
What I've learned is that there is always somewhere to turn. Always. Breathe. And know you always, always have an absolute right to not live with abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi
I am so sorry...
I got called a stupid b*tch, it happened more than once, The first time I should have walked away and never spoken to him again. I realize I was very lonely and willing to put up with just about anything, that ended up being detrimental to my mental health.
He has been gone for 6 months now, I am lonely but being insulted, demeaned, cursed at and emotionally abused is far worse than being lonely.
Oh yeah he said he never "liked" me... no kidding -- I think I figured that one out on my own.
I hope you will consider leaving him because you don't deserve this.
I am so sorry...
I got called a stupid b*tch, it happened more than once, The first time I should have walked away and never spoken to him again. I realize I was very lonely and willing to put up with just about anything, that ended up being detrimental to my mental health.
He has been gone for 6 months now, I am lonely but being insulted, demeaned, cursed at and emotionally abused is far worse than being lonely.
Oh yeah he said he never "liked" me... no kidding -- I think I figured that one out on my own.
I hope you will consider leaving him because you don't deserve this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with what everyone here is saying. You have already given up on yourself. You are saying you "can't" leave him because of the house and because you will be lonely. Believe me, nothing is lonelier than being with someone who is abusive and drunk.
You may be lonely for a little while, but you can build a support system--one much more reliable than what you have now. How, exactly, does he comfort you, support you? There are strangers out there who will, believe me. They are strangers to you now, but they can be your rocks on which you can build a new life for yourself, one where you don't hear hurtful words and feel ignored.
I used to think I had to be in a relationship to be valuable. WRONG. After my last relationship ended seven or so years ago I quit looking for someone else to make my life what I wanted it to be. Instead, I started working to make it what I wanted it to be. I never feel lonely. I have friends, work that I love. Two cats that annoy me on a daily basis (but only because they are all over me loving me). I'll never say I could never meet someone I wanted to share my life with, but I no longer feel that I HAVE to.
There are solutions for the house, and for everything else that looks unfixable right now. You deserve not to have to listen to insults from someone in your own home.
If you haven't tried Al-Anon, I suggest you start going. You will meet some of those friends you don't know that you have.
You may be lonely for a little while, but you can build a support system--one much more reliable than what you have now. How, exactly, does he comfort you, support you? There are strangers out there who will, believe me. They are strangers to you now, but they can be your rocks on which you can build a new life for yourself, one where you don't hear hurtful words and feel ignored.
I used to think I had to be in a relationship to be valuable. WRONG. After my last relationship ended seven or so years ago I quit looking for someone else to make my life what I wanted it to be. Instead, I started working to make it what I wanted it to be. I never feel lonely. I have friends, work that I love. Two cats that annoy me on a daily basis (but only because they are all over me loving me). I'll never say I could never meet someone I wanted to share my life with, but I no longer feel that I HAVE to.
There are solutions for the house, and for everything else that looks unfixable right now. You deserve not to have to listen to insults from someone in your own home.
If you haven't tried Al-Anon, I suggest you start going. You will meet some of those friends you don't know that you have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Abuse is a deal breaker, calling a woman the "c" word is a deal breaker in my book. You need to take yourself back. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And an A has no boundaries. He will blame you, curse you, and expect you to stay.
Find an AlAnon group, and get a counselor if you have insurance or can afford it. Learn to detach from his behavior first, until you can get your emotions and thoughts in order. Then make a plan to remove yourself from the abuse. There is a peaceful life out there for you if you want it. You will never be lonelier than when you're in the company of an abuser.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it.
Please stay safe, and find AlAnon. Stay posting, and let us help you.
Find an AlAnon group, and get a counselor if you have insurance or can afford it. Learn to detach from his behavior first, until you can get your emotions and thoughts in order. Then make a plan to remove yourself from the abuse. There is a peaceful life out there for you if you want it. You will never be lonelier than when you're in the company of an abuser.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it.
Please stay safe, and find AlAnon. Stay posting, and let us help you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I was far more lonely in my marriage than I am now that I am single.
Please, be safe.
I'd be willing to bet that if you did leave, he'd be falling all over himself to drag you back.
You are stronger than you realize, and you do not have to live with this abuse.
Please, be safe.
I'd be willing to bet that if you did leave, he'd be falling all over himself to drag you back.
You are stronger than you realize, and you do not have to live with this abuse.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I've had several houses but only one sanity.
I really liked the house ex and I had. Sunk $100k into paint and floors I had to leave, loved that house, man it was realllly nice.
Left it. Got out with DD... Renting a house much smaller, no pool, no movie theatre, no 6000 square feet, left my garden which I loved..
Realized something - it's a house, it's stone and brick and paint and it us just a THING. People are not replaceable. I've got some physical scars that are quite numb. Emotional scars heal very slowly, they get infected and cause all manner if maladies.
The C word is pretty much the nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. It shows utter contempt. Only you know if that was a freak accident, a drunken anomaly... Or par for the course.
If someone called my AW or DD that word the only real questions are whether they'd be found and whether I'd be convicted.
You are not that. You are a person. You deserve what I call the minimum standard of care - that's different for all of us but I've yet to meet the woman who thinks that word can be overlooked.
I'm very sorry you had to hear that. Things are just that - things that can be replaced. You can't be.
I really liked the house ex and I had. Sunk $100k into paint and floors I had to leave, loved that house, man it was realllly nice.
Left it. Got out with DD... Renting a house much smaller, no pool, no movie theatre, no 6000 square feet, left my garden which I loved..
Realized something - it's a house, it's stone and brick and paint and it us just a THING. People are not replaceable. I've got some physical scars that are quite numb. Emotional scars heal very slowly, they get infected and cause all manner if maladies.
The C word is pretty much the nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. It shows utter contempt. Only you know if that was a freak accident, a drunken anomaly... Or par for the course.
If someone called my AW or DD that word the only real questions are whether they'd be found and whether I'd be convicted.
You are not that. You are a person. You deserve what I call the minimum standard of care - that's different for all of us but I've yet to meet the woman who thinks that word can be overlooked.
I'm very sorry you had to hear that. Things are just that - things that can be replaced. You can't be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 108
Thanks everyone for your support. If i can get even half as much support from alanon it will be worth it. Later last night he said he'd had the weirdest dream that we fought and he said horrible things to me and was so mean. Said how much he loves me, etc. I just shook my head in bafflement and turned up the TV. In his mind maybe it was a dream/blackout. But he's still drinking this morning so there's no remorse.
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