Alone
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Alone
I have lymphoma (lymphnode cancer). I have no family and I separated from AH in May and in addition to losing my husband and family, i am seriously ill.
To add insult to injury my husbands new enabling girlfriend he cheated on me with works in his payroll and benefits dept and is able to get details from ins company. I know there are hipaa rules but shes violated everything and friends with the bosses so nothing will ever happen to her. I dont have the time to devote to trying to get her fired. She has done that to me.
Its to the point ive blocked him and her because i get the hate texts...yes i made the mistake of engaging at times but I try to be better now. I just dont understand how God would allow me to be going through separation, with an alcoholic, with 2 kids to raise, having to take on this financially alone and have cancer.
I keep trying to come on here, continue with Alanon and counseling, etc...but i keep coming back to...why is this ok? Why can he just abandon me and our family in the cruelest way, move on to new girlfriend who he allows to come at me as well. Even when i try to keep it simple between us, he is rude to me. He at times drops off 4 year old daughter messy, etc. "Can you have her ready when you drop her off because I have dr right after" and he answers "because i bring her naked?"...Even about my cancer he refuses to deal with it and says his daughter doesnt have cancer i do. Uh...but it affects her!
How can someone just go through life being ao cold in the worst way when it was the man who was sober and just relapsed in may. Before that, we worked so hard in therapy, family counseling, intensive outpatient program. He acts like none of that existed!
I have 2 healthy kids and a great boss and job. I have a few close friends but they have their own families and cannot always stop and drop to help me.
I am so sad and beaten down. I really need some support. Help me through this.
To add insult to injury my husbands new enabling girlfriend he cheated on me with works in his payroll and benefits dept and is able to get details from ins company. I know there are hipaa rules but shes violated everything and friends with the bosses so nothing will ever happen to her. I dont have the time to devote to trying to get her fired. She has done that to me.
Its to the point ive blocked him and her because i get the hate texts...yes i made the mistake of engaging at times but I try to be better now. I just dont understand how God would allow me to be going through separation, with an alcoholic, with 2 kids to raise, having to take on this financially alone and have cancer.
I keep trying to come on here, continue with Alanon and counseling, etc...but i keep coming back to...why is this ok? Why can he just abandon me and our family in the cruelest way, move on to new girlfriend who he allows to come at me as well. Even when i try to keep it simple between us, he is rude to me. He at times drops off 4 year old daughter messy, etc. "Can you have her ready when you drop her off because I have dr right after" and he answers "because i bring her naked?"...Even about my cancer he refuses to deal with it and says his daughter doesnt have cancer i do. Uh...but it affects her!
How can someone just go through life being ao cold in the worst way when it was the man who was sober and just relapsed in may. Before that, we worked so hard in therapy, family counseling, intensive outpatient program. He acts like none of that existed!
I have 2 healthy kids and a great boss and job. I have a few close friends but they have their own families and cannot always stop and drop to help me.
I am so sad and beaten down. I really need some support. Help me through this.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am so sorry you are going through a trifecta of serious crap in your life. Addictions, Separation/Marital problems, Serious Illness. But I will say taking care of yourself is paramount to anything else. Want to have a chance in hell of beating cancer? Gotta let go of the significant stressors in your life right now, and your estranged alcoholic husband is one to let go of.
It's not easy to detach; it takes a shift in perspective. Try exercises like this: instead of thinking "I am all alone and my jerk of a husband and his crazy new enabler are mean to me" think this instead: "I need support in ___ areas right now; where can I go to find that support?"
Or this "The AH will return the kid in a state of disrepair; I will be ready to quickly change and wash her up so we can go on with our day" instead of trying to get him to change his behavior.
It's all about having a good offense instead of constantly being on the defensive. You are already prepared for what he will throw at you, so when he does do something kind or considerate, you are pleasantly surprised. When he acts in character, you anticipate it already and are not phased by it.
People will only continue to harass you as long as it is working. If it no longer works, they will get bored and move onto something else.
But most importantly, you maintain your own sense of peace and serenity, regardless of what they do. And that's key to being healthy, inside and out.
Prayers for better days ahead,
~T
It's not easy to detach; it takes a shift in perspective. Try exercises like this: instead of thinking "I am all alone and my jerk of a husband and his crazy new enabler are mean to me" think this instead: "I need support in ___ areas right now; where can I go to find that support?"
Or this "The AH will return the kid in a state of disrepair; I will be ready to quickly change and wash her up so we can go on with our day" instead of trying to get him to change his behavior.
It's all about having a good offense instead of constantly being on the defensive. You are already prepared for what he will throw at you, so when he does do something kind or considerate, you are pleasantly surprised. When he acts in character, you anticipate it already and are not phased by it.
People will only continue to harass you as long as it is working. If it no longer works, they will get bored and move onto something else.
But most importantly, you maintain your own sense of peace and serenity, regardless of what they do. And that's key to being healthy, inside and out.
Prayers for better days ahead,
~T
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
I'm new to this and really can't give much advice because I am going through a rollercoaster with my AH right now. But I can tell you this... God doesn't give you ANYTHING you cannot handle. He didn't stop and think... "oh, I'm going to pick on this person today". Have faith that this path will only make you a stronger, more confident and able person than you were before you walked it. And know that you are NOT alone... He is carrying you and loving you every step of the way. Be open to His grace and know he won't let you down or leave you alone.
I'm sorry you're going through this as well and I agree with everything Tuffgirl said.
I'm sorry you're going through this as well and I agree with everything Tuffgirl said.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
None of this is okay. But there is only so much of it you have any control over. You'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out the "why's". You need that energy to focus on fighting lymphoma and being healthy for your children. Your AH is ill, his primitive mid-brain is in control so he doesn't have the ability to feel compassion or concern. It's not about you, it's about the disease that has him in its grip. Until he gets help and real recovery, that won't change. So I agree with Tuffgirl. Better to plan ahead to be ready to get your daughter cleaned up when she gets home, than to try to reason with him and get yourself worked up. I'm glad you're in AlAnon, maybe you could ask for phone numbers of those who would be willing to talk or help you out when you need it.
The HIPPA violation is a different deal, IMO. I'm in health care. HIPPA is a federal issue, and those rules are in place for very good reasons. I would consider this a boundary issue, and it's not to be crossed. You're personal medical information is yours. There are STEEP penalties for violations. I wouldn't care who this girl is friends with, they're not going to be able to defend violating HIPPA. You've already blocked your text messages. I would get on line and learn how to report a violation. Let the experts take it from there. Again, this is just my opinion, but I see this as a clear boundary violation. Both personally and legally.
Having said all that, I just took a moment to stop and say a prayer for you. I prayed for success in your fight against cancer, and that you find the support you need. I also asked my HP to help you change your mindset from "iamthird" to "iamfirst". I wish you all the best, I hope you keep posting so we can offer support.
The HIPPA violation is a different deal, IMO. I'm in health care. HIPPA is a federal issue, and those rules are in place for very good reasons. I would consider this a boundary issue, and it's not to be crossed. You're personal medical information is yours. There are STEEP penalties for violations. I wouldn't care who this girl is friends with, they're not going to be able to defend violating HIPPA. You've already blocked your text messages. I would get on line and learn how to report a violation. Let the experts take it from there. Again, this is just my opinion, but I see this as a clear boundary violation. Both personally and legally.
Having said all that, I just took a moment to stop and say a prayer for you. I prayed for success in your fight against cancer, and that you find the support you need. I also asked my HP to help you change your mindset from "iamthird" to "iamfirst". I wish you all the best, I hope you keep posting so we can offer support.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank you for sharing- sending you hugs and support and strength. I am so sorry you have all of this on you. Know there are people here who care and who understand the pain of dealing with an AH! Keep up the fight- you and yoru kids are worth it! Much love!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Iamthird - first of all you are not alone. I am here for you. The folks at SR are here for you, and your HP is here for you. Your kids are there for you and these people are all sure things FOREVER. your ex is a pathetic creature and his behaviour says a lot about him - not you. His choice of GF and their combined behaviour is disgusting to put it mildly. I have seen it before - it's really sad and I still find it quite shocking and unbelievable.
I have never been so ill but I have heard from many who have how they came out the other side stronger and You will too. I believe in karma your ex and his GF are storing up a world of pain for themselves. Probably by the time the s*** hits the fan for them - you won't even care anymore. But I try sometimes to think of it as expecting normal behaviour from a mad person - . Massive((( Hugs)))).
I have never been so ill but I have heard from many who have how they came out the other side stronger and You will too. I believe in karma your ex and his GF are storing up a world of pain for themselves. Probably by the time the s*** hits the fan for them - you won't even care anymore. But I try sometimes to think of it as expecting normal behaviour from a mad person - . Massive((( Hugs)))).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sending you positive energy, prayer, good thoughts, all that!
It's not ok - none of it is ok. It's up to you to make your world ok for you and the kiddos though. YOU CAN DO IT - without the miserable ex's help! Look at everything you've already gone through. I hope the hard part is over for you, but even if it isn't, and no matter what happens, you're tough as nails and will make it through it all just fine!
:ghug3
It's not ok - none of it is ok. It's up to you to make your world ok for you and the kiddos though. YOU CAN DO IT - without the miserable ex's help! Look at everything you've already gone through. I hope the hard part is over for you, but even if it isn't, and no matter what happens, you're tough as nails and will make it through it all just fine!
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Sitting here in oncologist office waiting to find out next step in treatment, if its spread, etc...and I wish AH was here with me, supporting me. Sadly i realize, even if we were not separated, he wouldnt be here or supportive...in the end he was so emotionally and mentally abusive to me...
I have to just focus on myself, getting better and our children. I am a good woman and it is his loss...
I have to just focus on myself, getting better and our children. I am a good woman and it is his loss...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You are doing just fine.
I've been where you are (except the illness) & it does get better.
As you move forward with personal growth you will become stronger & one day you won't even ask questions, you will just look back & see how far you've come.
Hang in there.
:ghug3
I've been where you are (except the illness) & it does get better.
As you move forward with personal growth you will become stronger & one day you won't even ask questions, you will just look back & see how far you've come.
Hang in there.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Ask your Doctor about cancer support groups while you're in treatment. Do you have a good friend who can go to appointments with you, someone from your church or your child's school? I went with my friend to all her appt's when she went through treatment. I was able to offer emotional support, and also take notes since the information was often stressful for her.
Thinking of you and praying for your success. Iamfirst......start thinking of yourself that way!!!!
Thinking of you and praying for your success. Iamfirst......start thinking of yourself that way!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I would think it would be difficult to work when you have cancer. Can you take some time off to devote to restoring your health? I would think restoring your health might be a priority.
If you "believe" in Reiki, there is free distance Reiki online and also free online prayer (where a whole bunch of people will pray for you).
If you "believe" in Reiki, there is free distance Reiki online and also free online prayer (where a whole bunch of people will pray for you).
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am so sorry what you are going through. Turning off the texts definitely sounds like a good idea. Sometimes I wish my axbf was here to support me as well, which is ridiculous since he just made me depressed with his abusive, erratic and lying behavior. You're just wishing for a decent S.O., I wish I had one too. My family is on the other side of the country, I never had and kids and am just grateful for the friends that I have.
Maybe God is smiling at you because he took the A. out of your life and not having to deal with him on a constant basis is no doubt better for your health in the long run.
My ex husband and his new gf cheated on their tax returns by forging my name & sig on some amended returns and forging my sig on the checks and cashing them! I was furious at the time but just decided to report them to the IRS and wash my hands of the affair. People really suck sometimes.
I'll send some hugs your way!
-z
I am so sorry what you are going through. Turning off the texts definitely sounds like a good idea. Sometimes I wish my axbf was here to support me as well, which is ridiculous since he just made me depressed with his abusive, erratic and lying behavior. You're just wishing for a decent S.O., I wish I had one too. My family is on the other side of the country, I never had and kids and am just grateful for the friends that I have.
Maybe God is smiling at you because he took the A. out of your life and not having to deal with him on a constant basis is no doubt better for your health in the long run.
My ex husband and his new gf cheated on their tax returns by forging my name & sig on some amended returns and forging my sig on the checks and cashing them! I was furious at the time but just decided to report them to the IRS and wash my hands of the affair. People really suck sometimes.
I'll send some hugs your way!
-z
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Living with any of the concerns you mentioned sounds like a full time job...never mind all of them.
As part of my job I work at a cancer center. I say that because as hard as it is to make new connection and trust there are so many people willing to help in big and small ways affliated with the center....and sometimes all you have to do is ask.
There are multiple support groups and often in them someone with some significant recovery time "sponsors" somone a little newer and the group can often offer support and care. In addition to pastoral/social work etc.
I say that because I had no idea it was out there until I started this as part of my professional journey. The creativity that comes as part of the care is so much more then the physical, but they often can offer emotional, spiritual and mental support too.
I am so glad you are here and shared with us.
As part of my job I work at a cancer center. I say that because as hard as it is to make new connection and trust there are so many people willing to help in big and small ways affliated with the center....and sometimes all you have to do is ask.
There are multiple support groups and often in them someone with some significant recovery time "sponsors" somone a little newer and the group can often offer support and care. In addition to pastoral/social work etc.
I say that because I had no idea it was out there until I started this as part of my professional journey. The creativity that comes as part of the care is so much more then the physical, but they often can offer emotional, spiritual and mental support too.
I am so glad you are here and shared with us.
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