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Old 01-09-2013, 05:10 PM
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First, many positive vibes being sent your way.

Second, how to report HIPAA violations: How To File a Complaint

Third, know that you are inspiration to some of us.
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:05 PM
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Many warm hugs to you! I'll pray for you. Please think positive, you can beat this...you're strong! We're here for you 😻
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:14 PM
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How did the appointment go? Keep us posted and I prayed for you tonight.
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:06 PM
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Bless your heart! I am so sorry you are going thru all of this and I hope will hold onto your faith. Try to take care of yourself and remove yourself from as much stress as you can! We are always here to listen!
You ask why/how can you AH do this? I can only say that I have found that an Active A is so SELF ABSORBED they do not see futher than their own needs/desires! They do not handle ANY bumb in the road big or small! As sad as that is....I have found this to be the truth! Besides, you hold your head high and do what you need to and take care of yourself! Worry about yourself and your own needs! He would likely just drag you down and be something to take care of! Hang in there and keep coming back! We are here to listen!
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:19 PM
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Prayers for healing and strength to you.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:00 PM
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Hi - (((CYBER HUG))). That's a LOT to deal with simultaneously. Agree that the least stress you can have is the best way to be, so it's good you've blocked his texts.

Take good care of yourself - treat yourself like you would treat a much loved one.

I am another person who cares. You can get through this!
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:12 PM
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(((Hugs)))
You are very strong and an inspiration. Sending good vibes your way. I asked my divine entity of choice to give you light and peace in your heart, regardless of what goes on outside.
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Old 01-10-2013, 06:58 PM
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I have to have surgery to remove the big tumor and it will be followed up by chemo. Its so odd to not have an emergency contact...lol.

Im frustrated dealing with medical authorizations, insurance companies but Im looking toward my higher power more than my separated AH.

Cannot lie...i cry every hour and am trying hard to let go of the relationship stuff so I can focus on me.

I have the blessing of having a professional job which I can work from home a bit, so that is a blessing because i need the income being on my own.

Thank you for your support everyone. I started this thread feeling alone but I dont anymore!
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Old 01-10-2013, 07:59 PM
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Yes IAmFIRST, it does feel weird to have no emergency contact to put down! I also have no family.

But, fine--so it stings. This too shall pass....

Meanwhile, every step you take, every action to do what your wise Self knows is best for you, is a step towards healing. Keep moving forward with the determination to do the best you can towards your goal of beating illness. People and things will appear and support you when you need them. Notice and appreciate.

I think it's just fine that you're crying every hour. Of COURSE you are! You have a right to.

I will be sending you my prayers as well. May all the support and the best doctors show up when you need them. May friends appear to help. May you easily let go of the A and remember that you're better and happier without the pain he causes.

May you keep taking the next best step.

These are my prayers for you.

Love,
Cindy
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:20 AM
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Iamthird, so sorry to hear what you are going through. You must be devastated. In a different context I have experienced something of what you are feeling and I tried very hard to do the 'right' thing as a point of pride, so that later, when things got better, I could look back without regrets about my own behaviour. I imagined the abuse of others like a wave crashing against an immovable rock.
One day your children will appreciate and admire your courage; and they will make their judgements about your AH.
Please make use of all the support you can from friends and support groups and SR. Go well.
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Old 01-11-2013, 03:23 AM
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How are you feeling today IamFIRST?
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:05 AM
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I am feeling ok. The tumor is in my head/neck so I get headaches but not too bad. I sense the illness will worsen with chemo but that hasnt started yet. Right now my biggest challenges are mental.

I am on AH insurance so I had to contact him for some info and basically hes been in a nice mode the past 2 days. But over the course of our 8 month separation I have seen the cycle. Hes nice and may even be remorseful but in a few days, he will be in hate mode again because that is the cycle! He has to push me away when he feels himself getting vulnerable and facing reality.

Right now when I see the man I love, its his face and body and I have the belief hes somewhere inside there...right now when I need him more than ever...is when I have to remember he is not capable and he is ill. Alcoholism is progressive and even in my illness, I cannot fall back into the trap because it would be so devastating to be hurt while going through my illness. The codie in me wants to romanticize this and think maybe this is what is finally going to wake him up to get help. He literally told me upon last exchange of daughter that he's scared something will happen to me and he will not be well should he need to do more for her or in worst case care for her on his own. Im happy he can see that and know hes troubled. Some people never admit their issues.

I just pray everyday and all night when I used to long for AH...i just talk to God. Its more peaceful.
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:18 AM
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sending you my prayers
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:03 PM
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Iamthird,

I just read your thread for the first time tonight. You have received so many beautiful replies, it is as though the Holy Spirit has spoken through each response and I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of compassion and the belief in you. And I know you must have moments when you ask God why so much loneliness and sickness, so many moments of fear, why, not one crisis, but so many. Why is this part of your life's long journey. And after so much hope, too, for you had real hope, I'm sure, when you were working to save your marriage in therapy, and praying your husband would sober up and become a loving man to you. So this is a very deep blow to you, to be where you are this day, fighting to get well and also to find your self-worth again.

If your husband is an abuser today, then that is what he is. Whoever he was in the past, is in the past. Today he is an abuser. Do not look to him for anything resembling kindness. He is living in darkness and controlled by it and you are much too precious to sacrifice yourself. Much too precious. God made you beautiful, and important, and you must honor your calling. Your calling in this world is to love. To love your children, to love yourself, to love any lost and innocent soul who crosses your path. When you get well, you are going to radiate your calling more than you ever have. You will have that intensity and passion for life that only those who have descended into the deepest labyrinth have. I have met a few people like that, those who have a shamanic understanding and depth that can only be earned by being alone in the wilderness. This is your 40 days and 40 nights. And when it is concluded, you will use it to heal. You will be one of wounded healers, and it is a high and difficult calling. But it is your mission.

Many of us, myself included, live in parts of the country far from where we grew up, far away from family of origin. And some here have had to walk away from family of origin. Many of us know what it is to be isolated geographically and emotionally.

I was raised in the South but here I am out on the West coast, have been here for 2 decades, and sometimes when I go back to the little town where I grew up and see the people who never left, living down the road from mom and dad, still pumping gas at the same station they used in 1972, I admit I am envious. It is not easy to be a pioneer. An astronaut. I tell you, out here where I am, I had to find a way to take care of myself emotionally, for I had no one to run to like the people back home do. And it is not easy to make friends when you're a grown-up! It's not like high school or college!

I have found a few here. Not many deep ones. But a few. And this Christmas, they were off here and there and my son was out of town and I was by myself. I could have invited myself to a few houses in the neighborhood but I decided not.

There is a bookstore here which is open 365 days a year, huge place, with a coffee shop, too. And I decided I wanted to go there Christmas morning. So I did. I was one of the first through the door. And I had a lovely time, browsing. And I had coffee in the shop and looked around at all the other solo artists having their coffees, reading their books and laptops, and I felt blessed. And proud. I felt, actually, pretty cool.

I was very popular in high school, Miss Everything, and I could never have predicted that my future held that kind of Christmas in my life. But it has made me grow. And you, too, once you have regained your strength--and you will--and made your way back up to the light, you will find your companions, those whose hearts are deep like yours, people who are not superficial, but who know what a rocky road life can be but still, they think, there is enough worth living for. And they find it. They find all the beautiful and so will you. I have seen people like you be transformed, and you will be a wonder.

SR will help you on the lonely days. Post here when you need support, because people here, new and longtimers, they have been broken, too, in their own lives, and they can walk with you.

If you will do as suggested and go to support groups, you will also find that the life force of others in the room will flow into you and help you.

God bless you and may his angels wrap their wings around you wherever you are in the coming days, crowding into the examining room with their awkward wings, tagging along behind you at the grocery, giving you kisses on your forehead at night before you sleep. They love you.

Think about where you and your children will go, someplace amazing, when strength and joy have returned. And open up the map and trace your route there. You will deserve all it has to give.

Sorry I am late to this amazing thread. But I wanted tonight to send you one more message that you are a figure of grace and your destiny has so many more stories you cannot imagine and will want to live for. So just do what's on the calendar each day, and listen for the whisper of wings.
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Old 01-12-2013, 12:41 PM
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IamFIRST.....look at how your thread has brought out such deep compassion and wisdom from so many people!

So many inspired to open their hearts, hoping to support you by listening with full attention....each one benefitting everyone...
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Old 01-12-2013, 12:57 PM
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"An astronaut."

I love it.
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Old 01-12-2013, 05:22 PM
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I'm so sorry you are having to go through such an extraordinary health crisis without what would by rights should be a supportive and loving husband. Does the hospital provide any information about cancer support groups in the area? If so, that might be a wonderful source of comfort and strength.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:26 PM
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There are many support groups available to me and it is my intention to use them. I dont start until this coming Wed when they will meet with me. But unfortunately theres no cancer with dealing with a narcissitic separated AH.

As i knew it would the cycle has turned! AH has been being nice past 2 days and then all of a sudden shuts it off. Then the emotional abuse starts...he says if im too ill he will pick up our 4 year old and do some logistics like paying bills or fixing things around my house but he doesnt care about anything else. He literally was being vulnerable a few nights ago expressing how scared he is for me, himself and the children and now he doesnt care?

This feels so cruel! I wonder why God would make me go through all of this at once. I put a positive front up to the people around me but I am tired!!! I want to be able to collapse into tears after battling insurance companies, referrals, authorizations, raising a teenager but I cant because im doing it alone. I have no one to comfort me. He literally told me today that he doesnt care and my cancer is not his problem! I know the biggest fight is mental and im so scared that his abuse will keep me down...

How can someone be so cruel?
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:09 PM
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You HAVE to focus on yourself. You MUST be your own best friend. Your husband is sick - mentally and spiritually. Do not depend upon him, or expect anything at all from him. It appears you keep expecting him to be kind, you know he's not, and then you are wounded and rewounded, time and time again. Take yourself out of the destructive cycle.

He is probably scared of losing you for his own selfish reasons. That says nothing about you. What he thinks of you is none of your business, as they say. You make yourself too vulnerable to abuse when your self-esteem is tied to another's opinions - especially someone who has proven himself to be cruel and untrustworthy.

If you could pull back, concentrate on yourself, your kids and your health and their health, it would be so much better for you. You sound like you are super busy and tapped out - but if you could squeeze in an appointment with a counselor, it might be helpful - just to encourage you or to help you become aware of your abandonment issues or whatever.

I wish you could take some time off for rest and relaxation. Is there any way that might be possible?
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Old 01-12-2013, 08:22 PM
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I go to a therapist weekly.

I wish I could take time off but I am solely financially responsible for my household so I cant afford the disability rate of pay. 75%of my salary.

I try not to rely on him and am pretty self sufficient for the most part...i just let him in my head more than anything and I need to stop that.
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