paddington

Until November I was drunk everyday for thirteen years.

With the support of my girlfriend, I quit cold turkey. Everything was better.

Then the holidays came. Ten day binge. Lying to everyone that I've started again. I really hate myself. Don't know what to do. I thought I could stop again and get back on the wagon without anyone noticing.

Dee74

hi and welcome Paddington

I think a lot of us overestimate ourselves and underestimate our problem...I know I thought I could 'go rogue' and drink for a bit and then get right back on the waggon - but it never worked like that....the force and intensity of my drinking always surprised and overwhelmed me.

I'm not sure what kind of support you have, but coming here is a great start, or a great addition anyway

the journey back to sobriety starts with a new day one...why not today?

D

Sapling

Welcome to SR Paddington....Once we cross that line...There's no going back...Doesn't happen. What are you doing for your recovery?

paddington

No support. Live on my own so its going to be down to me.

Its like someone game me a rope ladder, I climbed out of the hole, and then decided to jump back in. Only now the ladder has gone.

Today is day one. Was so proud of the string of days I had put together.

Sapling

I use the program of AA....Too much time alone for me is deadly...I couldn't do it without support from people doing what I'm doing...Is that something you have ever considered?

paddington

Hmm. I've avoided AA on basis of its religious aspect.

I agree, time alone is deadly. Ive not spoken to anyone since Christmas day, just been holed up.

LadyinBC

AA isn't a religious program. Your higher power can be god, your dog, your kids anything you want.

I think alot of us don't give it a fair chance just because of this, me included.

You did spent time sober you can do it again.

paddington

Nearly 16 hours in and my brain is playing tricks with me.

Spent a couple of hours crying and in despair a friend texted me. Told her I was sad and she came round and forced me out of the house for a walk in the woods. I didn't say much or tell her what was going on but was so thankful for having a friend.

The moment she left my first thought was to go to the shop for beer. I made it down the steps then turned back and tried to remember this morning and how I felt.

Now crying again but at least not drinking. Reading other peoples stories has helped resolve over the last half hour.

My memory is playing tricks with me. I know how elated I was for getting sober and lifting myself out of depression. But now I can't remember how that felt.

avocado

I avoid AA in large part due to the religious aspect too. A lot of people say it's not necessarily 'religious' but the problem is that pretty much everyone in the meeting is religious and I personally can't stomach all the god talk. It makes me cringe. There are other options - SMART is one that I think makes a lot of sense. I just started looking closely at AVRT as well. The bottom line though, is to just stick to your own decision not to drink. Merely reding this board and posting occasionally is helpful. I could have drank last night - I had nothing to do and no reason to have to wake up early tonight, but instead of a trip to the beer store I went to the local video store (amazingly there's still one around here) and rented a great film called Beasts of the Southern Wild and drank some iced tea. It was a nice, peaceful night and I feel awesome today and will be having dinner with my parents and not have to worry about hiding a hangover (they disapprove of my drinking to excess, though they don't know the extent of my problem). Just take it one moment at a time and just realize how much better things are when you don't drink. I haven't had a month sober since May. I'm working on it now.

soberlicious

I changed my mindset. There is no longer "a wagon", therefore no more getting on or off it.

Do whatever you need to do not to drink, come hell or high water. Then when the fog lifts start reading about how to handle cravings when they come (and they will come). Understanding how the addicted mind works helped me the most. If you find a support group helpful, then get to one. If not, get onto reading about the alternatives. Either way, you can do this. You can live free.

paddington

17h48 the urge is coming in succession but weathering storm.

I need to apply my brain to this. I can cope with the physical urge, I've done it in the past. Its the mental side.

I feel like I've let everyone down, Ive shrunk away from them as a result. I need to look at this in reverse, its me I've let down and its me who has to fix this.

When I gave up I had not thought about it. I just stopped drinking and, with gf"s support, it kinda stuck. Now she's away for the holiday season and I'm back to square one.

I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I'm playing with mental health. I know its not normal to cry uncontrollably and i stopped doing so when i quit. But I shouldn't be thinking about quitting so noone notices my slip.

I am quitting so I take back control and don't ever feel like this again.

The deceit is killing me though. Do I own up or not. Maybe she already knows, we've spoken on phone last few evenings when I've been pissed.

awuh1

I am also inspired by the stories of people who have overcome their problems with alcohol. I want others to find a solution because I know how difficult this problem is to overcome. I spent may years in desperation and failure. I had a problem with all the God talk in AA also. I liked just about everything else about it though. People seemed really happy and they had so much knowledge about how to overcome this problem. They share it in their stories.

It’s difficult for me to read how hard things are for you now, and know at the same time that help is as close as an AA meeting. I hope you find a way out.

paddington

24hrs, day one done. Pretty horrible and a night of insomnia no doubt awaits. But first link in chain has been cast.

chicory

Just take good care of yourself right now. get back on the horse, and dont look back. every thing will fall into place.
glad you are sober . it is never easy, and everyone is different. dont beat yourself up. you have an illness, and you have to get serious if you wanna live the good life.

my best to you.
chicory

Fandy

Glad you are back Paddington.
One of my best sober habits is practicing Gratitude every day, take a look at this section and feel free to join us.
I also try to put booze in it's place. It is a liquid beverage, it will not control my life or ruin it.
You are taking back your life every hour you are sober.

wpainterw

Paddington: There are Agnostics AA meetings available particularly in large metropolitan cities. There is a Secular Recovery forum available on this SR website. In addition, you might find something by googling alcoholism and agnostics. I found meetings with other recovering alcoholics most helpful.

W.

Delilah1

Hi Paddington,

Glad you joined SR and that you have Day one under your belt again. You didn't lose that sober time, you obviously made some good choices during that time, think about what you did, and then add something else to help you string those days back together.

Your girlfriend seems to have been a support to you when you quit, being honest with her and enlisting her support again might be a good plan as well.

paddington

35h30. Managed 4 hrs sleep.

Still keep crying but managing to snap out quicker.

Decided to fess up to Mrs Paddington when she gets back tomorrow. She won't like it but Im confident she'll be understanding. The alternative, lying to her, is only going to cause each of us more pain.

This quit needs stronger foundations than just me. It can't be built on lies.

The thought of work in two days time is scary.

paddington

41hrs. Went climbing to take mind off things. The sweat coming off me was incredible. Yuk.

Same as yesterday, moment I got home I wanted to go to the shop. Mind was telling me that I had done well, no one would ever know, starting on the first day of the yr would be more logical, I could start again tomorrow. These are the same thoughts that made me end up here in the first place! They're pervasive but I'm not listening to them.

NYE is evil for people who have quit drinking. Raaa.

Fandy

You are almost at the 2 day mark! take a nice hot shower?