NoTrust

Hi all. I'm the adult daughter of an alcoholic mother. My family has been dealing with her alcoholism for years and years. My Dad and I dealt with the brunt of it since my brother was 5 years older and left for college. She's now 64 years old and the drinking, lying and manipulation has escalated over the years. To make matters worse, she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about 2 years ago. Now, she uses the depression as an excuse to drink as well (though we understand the two are related, she is being highly medicated for the depression.) The truth is; everything is an excuse to drink--even AA meetings.

We are trying to brace ourselves for even more "drama" since my Dad died earlier this week. He watched her closely, enabled a bit, and shielded us from exactly how bad the drinking was. Now, her sadness will inevitably lead to more drinking. Over his last month in the hospital, she's lied and gotten drunk multiple times. So, while we were facing his death, we had to waste energy on her problems. She has a way of making everything about her.

I'm wrought with emotion. Reeling from my Dad's death--as we were very close. And I'm chocked full of anger and hatred for her. I'm pulling from everything I can to be patient and compassionate but I feel a STRONG hatred toward her. She lies and manipulates so much. Either we "just don't understand her" or "we jump on her" or she whines about her past, complains about her many problems, and so on and so on. At our wits end, we tried to be compassionate and tell her we understand we can't expect her to quit drinking right now, due his death...it's too much at once. BUT, we said we do not condone it and we do not want lying and manipulation. We want limits and honesty. And if she got drunk, we would leave and stop talking to her that evening. Of course, she promised to comply and touted her honesty. We knew deep down it wouldn't work but crossed our fingers in desperation. She lied within a day and tried to cover up how much she drank.

Two days before my dad's death, I found a diary of his where he went on and on about her drinking; how much he hated it, how she loved drinking more than us, how she was his life and he worried about her but was losing hope. He even wrote she'd be better off without him because she blamed him for his drinking. The anger inside me grew even more. I HATE her.

Now, I can barely stand to talk to her if she's been drinking. I don't want her to touch me. My skin crawls when she rests her hand on my shoulder or tries to put an arm around me. When she tries to compliment me, I doubt her every word. Love me? My ars. You're sorry? Yah, right. Think I'm "so smart?" Sure. I believe that. I'm so smart that I can't figure out your drunk? Again. And again.

True to form as an ACOA, I feel guilty about this anger. Guilty about my hatred. Guilty that I can't find more compassion and understanding. After all, if I show her disdain, I get the wrath and have been told by her that I'm a cold, unfeeling woman.

We are trying to get her set up before we leave to go home...several states away. We are uncomfortable leaving her alone, but she refused to leave and we know that it's because she wants to drink in peace. We accept we cannot change her, as much as we've tried.

Is this anger normal? How do we balance her grief and the alcoholism? Is it realistic to expect anything from her now? (She has been to rehab and was sober for only 6 months in 2010, then was diagnosed bipolar. Essentially, once she stopped self-medicating, the bipolar took off.)

I'm on the edge of turning my back on her. I'm confident she will not live much longer and will kill herself by drinking herself to death. I feel we are leaving her to do so. It's her choice, but she WILL make it our fault.

UGH.

1waytoserenity

Dr. Phil raves about a women's program in Texas called, "Hannah's House," which is part of the Origins Treatment Center. Perhaps your mother can be persuaded to give it a shot?

thislonelygirl

yes honey i would say that the emotions you are feeling are normal. i cried reading your post the emotions i am feeling are normal i have children with an alcoholic and this pain you are feeling is something i never want my children to know....the same pain i feel.
Your father had the same emotions that you and i and others have felt and even though he wrote those emotions on paper....he loved your mother and i can tell from your post alone he tried so hard to help her but listen sweetheart....she is choosing to stay in a different state with her addicition alone and she is choosing to continue in this addiction.....perhapse now being alone and nobody there to pick her up she will get hit with whats going on in her life though i agree it will not be soon as your father has just passed and maybe she never will but i can tell that you have lived a very tough life and i can see that this has made you a tough gal because of it so now is the time to use that toughness to mourn for your father for the loving husband and father he was and not because of the saddness of your mothers addiction, to detach from your mother for yours and her benefit and to work closely with yourself and your siblings to mend the wounds yall are feeling.

redatlanta

Yes it is normal and I feel your pain.

My AH is also bi-polar, BP II to be exact. He was sober when I met him but his BP had been misdiagnosed for clinical depression. How we stayed together through that time I have no idea. Now he is regular as rain.

I am speaking in what I was told by the neuropsychiatrist that finally diagnosed him - you find underlying mental disorder often in alcoholics and addicts. Self medication. There is no test for BP - they exhibit the signs of it and are given meds and if you start seeing improvement then its an accurate diagnosis.

Finding the right medication and amount takes time. Often months. I am wondering if your mom's meds are correct. Is she currently seeing a psychiatrist? Is it time to switch to a new one? (unfortunately M.D. at the end of name doesn't mean the person knows/cares about what they are doing).

Of course if she isn't willing to pursue another doctor or going back to the Dr. then not much you can do. I would give a shot to talk to her as compassionately as possible and in this case would make an appt and go with her if she is willing.

Then there is the chance that she has stopped taking her medication. Happens. Not sure if you would be able to get to her bottles or not.

I could really talk about this subject forever. My mom also had mental issues a bout of acute paranoia that lasted a year (no alcohol) and I too hated her guts. I begged my dad to divorce her.

I would take raging Alcoholism any day over mental illness. In my opinion if she is not willing to cooperate then you have to walk away there is nothing you can do short of Baker Act her if she becomes a threat to herself or other.

Now is the time to educate yourself about alcoholism. I strongly suggest Al Anon and AcOA. Al Anon and SR have saved my sanity. Your dad shielded you from a lot I am sure - this is how you learn to balance the anger/grief issue and as you understand, really understand about alcoholism/co-dependency/enabling a lot of that anger fades - you and your family are most important can't let mom and her problems ruin/interrupt your life.

I am so sorry about your dad - peace to you and keep posting and reading.

BrokenHeartWife

So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved father.

**** hugs }}

NoTrust

Thank you everyone. It's a relief to hear my feelings are normal. Maybe I can let go of some guilt now. One can only hope.

She is taking her meds. My brother and I have been checking that regularly and she seems pretty good about that. She sees a psychiatrist regularly and our dad really liked the guy (mom does too; which is improvement because she's resisted help in the past.) Sometimes she'll use the medication as a reason she's shaking when we KNOW she's been drinking. I believe the meds probably do cause some shakiness but on days she's not drinking, she's pretty solid. She's just so manipulative.

I've questioned myself a ton over the years. Do I have less affection for her? Yes. Yes I do; because I received less from her. Do I have less trust for her? Yes -because she hasn't shown she deserves any trust.

You are right...she's made her choice. All we can do is set her up and hope she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. Our biggest fear is she'll drink and drive. She swears she won't. But, how do we go about believing someone who lies all the time? I can't.

I leave in a few days. I look forward to it. I suspect that's when my grieving process will really begin...once I'm not in the "world revolves around poor mom" space.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and affirmation. It helps more than you can know.

Loveblossom79

((HUG)) the pain of losing a parent is one I don't wish on anyone (lost my mom to cancer in 2007). I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much.

lillamy

First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your father. And sorry you have had to deal with your mother's immature (and mentally ill) addict behavior instead of getting to grieve the way you need to.

My alcoholic exhusband was raised to believe we have a holy duty to love our parents. He didn't (for good reason), and it tore him apart. Now, I'm hearing him say the same thing to our children -- that they are obligated to loving him -- and I see a similar confusion in them. I don't believe that -- I believe that love and respect is earned, regardless of what relationship we have to the people in question

I don't have relationships complicated by addiction either with my parents or my children (at least right now), so I don't think I can completely understand. But my counselor has spoken a lot about the relationships of my children with their alcoholic father. She says she has clients in their 60s who still say "my father didn't love me -- what is wrong with me?" and that what she would ideally want for my children is for them to get to the point where they can say "my father was not able to love me; it's very sad that this was the case; it was his problem and had nothing to do with me, and nothing I could have done would have changed that."

You have every right to be angry at your mother. You always have the right to feel what you are feeling. (That's another thing I keep telling my children.) How you express your feelings, that's where you can go wrong. If you were to beat your mother up, that would be a destructive way of expressing your feelings. And I know from being married to an alcoholic that the guilt and sense of responsibility for them can be paralyzing. I can imagine it feels even more that way with a parent (given that you're obligated to love them... or so we're told...).

I like to think about it like this: Your mother has several challenges -- she is bipolar, and she is an addict. That affects her ability to function as a human being. If she didn't; if she had a normal brain function and could view your situation from the outside -- as a normally functioning mother, what would she want for you? If someone else in your life was treating you the way she is treating you -- what would a normally functioning mother's advice to you be? Would she say "you need to stay and hold this person up under her armpits" or would she say, "this relationship is toxic for you and I wish you would see that and save yourself."

One of my best friends is an ACOA. When I left my ex-husband, she said, "You may just have given him the most precious gift anyone will ever give him: You've given him the opportunity to feel the full fallout of his addiction. You might have just saved his life."

Sadly, she was wrong -- he didn't hit rock bottom, have a come-to-Jesus moment, and find lifelong sobriety. I wish he had. But I did give him the opportunity to contemplate what his addiction had led to.

The bipolar disorder (in my mind at least) complicates things. And bipolar disorder and alcohol is such a destructive combination. I know one of the forum moderators here is in a similar situation, and she has chosen to set very strict boundaries for her interaction with her mother (I hope she'll come around and talk about it).

There's a zone between picking up the enabling your father provided (clearly out of love, obligation, habit, or whatever) and cutting her out of your life completely. Only you know what you want, what you can, and what you are capable of handling.

Maybe you'll get other feedback from others, but in my mind, you are never responsible for another adult and their choices. The only thing you are responsible for is making choices for yourself that you can live with.

And you always have the absolute right to choose a life free from the influence of addiction.

PohsFriend

Ouch.

Your post just slapped me right in the face.

First, I am so sorry that you lost your dad. That is just brutal and here you are unable to grieve in peace because your mother is creating drama. That is terribly unfair to you and you have every right to your feelings.

Hmmm. This hit me very hard. My bipolar mom was not an alcoholic but you just described the day, week, month and year after my dad passed and wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I don't want to think about the details too much but short version is that being blamed by dear old mom for everything from my birth being so tough she wound up having a breakdown when I was a baby to my pulling some strings to her being committed for a time and many things in between.

This is about you - just wanted to explain why it was so impactful

If I could go back to the week my dad died I would handle things differently so I wanted to share what and why and maybe something will make sense for you.

First, I spent that week and most of the next two years having to deal with my mothers drama instead of properly mourning the loss of my dad/best friend/idol/hero and honestly I resented her for several years (lost him 18 years ago). That grief was much worse when it hit me a year later. From your post it sounds like dad was the one who took care of you. Please do not put her needs ahead of yours right now, ditto for your siblings. Talk together about dad, Agree to set mom aside while you do and get back to her later. Her issues won't be going anywhere while you mourn your father.

Second... Wow, a sick parent is so destructive to a kid. I was 42 when I read about the destructive impacts of an NPD parent on thier adult children. Guilt is a bitch isn't it? Mom had bipolar and eventually developed a split personality as well and all had thier moments but here I am 43 and learning to set boundaries and not try to rescue damsels in distress. She gave birth to you and nature and society dictate that there be some bond between you (sorry, sounds icy) but parents are put on this earth to nurture and protect and care for their kids, the reverse is simply not true.
I spent two years driving back and forth 903 miles a few times per month until it was impacting my ability to care for myself as my newborn daughter. My daughter won and I eventually had to cut ties with mom and leave my sisters to deal with her drama. We haven't spoken in several years. I write on occasion but get no response. My sisters pass along my yearly update and photos. For several years I did not do that much even because her blaming me for her lot in life was not healthy.

Mom was always centered on mom 24/7. Nothing was enough for her and no matter what I did I was a disappointment. Lol, the scholarships I for for college and grad school weren't ivy league so who can blame her for that! Blah blah blah...

Some people may think this is cold and see me as pretty heartless but I made a conscious decision that my mom was not good for me and so would no longer participate in my life. My moms line was several generations of people who chewed thier kids up and spit them out. I'm the last one to get screwed up - my 17 year old was raised very differently. She's pursuing HER dreams and she's the sanest person I know and she and I are like my dad and I were. I fought thru some reallllly heavy guilt. Suicide threats, even a call at 3am from a very uncomfortable social worker who awkwardly explained her legal obligation to let me know that a patient had threatened to have me killed.. I was so relieved - "where'd you find mom?". Ok it's funny now.

My situation is not yours but wow the similarity is just too close for comfort.

I'd urge you and your siblings to get some therapy and educate yourselves on the impacts of being around that type of manipulation. That's what you are describing - manipulation and control and when you are raised in it you think it is normal until you unwind it. I wish someone had pulled me aside 18 years ago for that chat but maybe this is making sense to you and you will be able to heal and move forward faster.

I don't hate her or resent her any longer. She was sick and her childhood was brutal, she did not have a dad like mine to protect her and love her.

The guilt and the deeeeply ingrained training never to dissent or express any remotely negative emotions about her behavior were tough to shake and I'm still working on expressing my own needs without guilt which is a bit sad since I am well aware of it now.

I was able to free myself of the guilt after I became a dad. It was the realization that if I ever develop a disorder like hers that I'd prefer to pass on before hurting my kids. If I wasn't that lucky I hope I raise them strong enough to understand that they owe me nothing and that our obligation runs one direction only. They have an 'out' if I ever become unable to fulfill that obligation. I would like to think that if my mom had been well she would want me to do the same.

Sorry such a long reply but like I said - your post hit me between the eyes and I wish I had understood at 24 what I understand today, it would have saved me some trouble.

A final caution - grief can be delayed but it has to be dealt with. After dad passed mom would not allow it. I was trying to start a life and finish a PhD (that wouldnt have the same value as dads since i wasnt at Yale, lol) but mom needed me and reminded me that if not for me she would never have had issues so I was obliged to drop everything whenever she got in trouble (side note - don't bite cops, bad scene). When the grief came it was debilitating and I went through what I fondly refer to as my wild phase. After 25 years of being a stepford child it was pretty hairy and only ended when I found out I was going to be a dad... Went back to boring and solid after that.

Grieve your dad, get closer to your siblings and grieve together - doing it solo later sucks. Mom will still be nuts when you are done and complaining about how you loved dad more will give her something to hang over you and keep her busy while you guys get through this. Sorry, that's cynical and nobody likes cynical. Hatred and resentment will eat you up over time - fortunately there is this industry called psychotherapy that exists to undo the damage a destructive parent causes. Get to know them. Getting help doesn't make you crazy, it proves you are sane and you will be surprised to learn that there are all sorts of patterns and habits you don't even see that 90% of children with similar parents have until they learn what they are and where they come from and how to move past them without guilt or shame.

Hugs to you and prayers for your father, i think of mine evey time I look at his infant grandson and I only remember the great stuff now. That hole in your chest gradually fades to happy memories of every good time with him. The grieving fades from your memory with time.

My deepest condolences to you, I am truly sorrowful to know you are having to face this and pray you will not try it alone.

redatlanta

I am so sorry - drinking on BP meds is about as effective as not taking them at all.

Pohsdad has great advice - sounds like she has been well taken care of as far as her doctoring nothing more to be done there.

Thinking about you and again so sorry for the loss of your dad.

NoTrust

Thanks so much everyone. I'm back at home, as of last night. We had a few arguments with her while we were there about lying and manipulation, but we were trying to be as patient as possible. When we left we told her to be strong, take care of herself, call when she needs us, but do NOT call when she's drinking. I feel that's the best we can do and we need to let her be as she'll be until she'll hit rock bottom, if she ever will. Of course I get all flustered when I think about the probability of her calling while drunk, calling us at work, or switching the angry/poor me switch over and over again.

My brother read Dad's diary yesterday. We agree she has to read this someday but don't know when it's appropriate. Right now, it would be borderline hateful. Throughout his comments he repeated how he wished he could die and solve all his problems. I hate that he spent his last year feeling like that (and many many more.) And I hate that he did it all in silence--protecting everyone else from her behavior. That's the kind of man he was though...so strong. That's why he faced Leukemia the way he did too.

PohsFriend - Our moms should get together and go bowling or something. Very very similar indeed. I've heard so many hateful comments over the years, and now she tries to be nice and complimentary. Maybe I should let her redeem herself, but I have a hard time believing her comments at all. That's something I have to work on. I'm planning to reach out to an EAP program here just to discuss my anger and guilt.

The constant pity party and manipulation drives me crazy. I understand she had a rough childhood because her mom died when she was 7. I think she was really lacking affection, and her Dad was an alcoholic too. But, she talks about it nonstop and despite therapy and medication, and 44 years of a happy marriage with a man who loved her to bits, she does nothing but bring up the bad experiences every time she gets drunk. Now she says her life sucks because now her husband died too and everything HAPPENS TO HER. "I'm angry at God. Is this a joke? Why does he keep doing this to me?" Argh. She's GOOD. I think she should start a line of Hallmark Guilt Trip cards.

As if it all weren't bad enough, my Dad passed away on my birthday. No - I'm not making this about me, I promise. I'm glad he's not in pain anymore, so I still say, "Wish granted." I'm sure my next (and next) birthday won't be easy but I'm hopeful I can deal. But for HER, this is another reason for HER sadness. I had to hear her say multiple times, "And he passed away on my daughter's 39th birthday." I seriously wanted to hop a plane outta there. I fully expect that as the years go by, I will hear it many many more times, all so she can get more sympathy. I expect my next birthday wish will from her will be, "Happy Birthday. It's been one year since my husband died." Sounds like a good introductory Hallmark card for her new line.

Of course, that is if she lasts that long. I'm doubtful she'll live very long the way she's going. If she has another manic episode (she's had one), any number of things could happen.

Thanks again everyone. You're good peeps for e-listening and offering your experience and advice to me, a complete stranger. It really helps. I've encouraged my brother to come out here and post as well.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, NoTrust. Sheesh - you have my full sympathy. My Mom is bi-polar and in the midst of a pretty major manic episode. She has psychotic tendencies, and I think even hears voices when she is really manic. It's very difficult to deal with. Mom also drinks heavily when manic, as a way to control her symptoms (this is very common) and something to note, the alcohol can have a counter-effect on the meds, making them ineffective. Some meds, like what my Mom currently takes, react badly with alcohol, potentially reducing blood pressure to a point of shutting down vital organs, exacerbating the effects of alcohol, which makes them more drunk more easily, etc. It's a ticking time bomb, as far as I am concerned.

My Dad moved out 10 years ago, after she caught the house on fire during a drunken manic episode. That was the end for him, but he remains married to her as a way to protect her financially. If he divorces, she gets a big chunk of money which we know she will spend quickly and be destitute. I hate that he has to live like this, but we have yet to find another solution that would work. Tried the guardian/conservator-ship road and she presents too well to get a judge to order that. However, now that she is getting older, it may become easier to obtain. I suggest you look into this in her state, as a potential option if she really goes off the rails. And that may very well happen, given the major trauma of losing her husband - the man who has probably held her together all this time.

I wish I had more positive things to say, but the bottom line for my family is we wait for the time that she is better able to function, and then we haul her butt to the psychiatrist or psych ward and get her on extra meds (lithium, particularly), knowing that while we are waiting and avoiding being her target, we risk the potential for death. It hangs over me all the time, knowing any episode could be the end for her. Sometimes I wish that, and yes, having those emotions is totally normal. Mental illness can be a form of terror for the families. I have a lot of resentment toward it all, while knowing it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and not about me as a person. But its hard not to take it personally, as if there is some choice involved with mental illness.

I haven't spoken to my Mom in over a month, since she kicked me out of her house for daring to challenge her madness, after I delivered her groceries because she also has agorophobia and won't leave the house unless she needs booze and cigarettes.

She is a master manipulator, too. I caught wind of a new "doctor" in the picture, a family practice doctor in our small community, and I called him to give him her background, knowing she is a big fat liar. When she found out, she was LIVID! and you know what? I don't care, because her lies put some innocent business man (he's in private practice) at risk and I will not stand for that. My boundaries with her are solid. She has the right to be a crazy drunk if she wants, but she does not have the right to put the public at risk with unsafe behavior. That includes driving drunk, lying to medical providers, etc. Her right to be a crazy drunk ends at the end of her nose, if that makes sense. She does not have the right to terrorize anyone else, family included.

After 25 years of this, I can say I have learned to love her in spite of the mental illness. But when she is manic, I love her from a distance, and have faith that whatever may be, will be. Having had 5 years of a marriage to an alcoholic man, and focusing the last two years on my own issues and recovery from that, I can see how much this has affected my life unbeknownst to me. But now I am aware and can find acceptance that this is my life and who my Mom is, and I can begin to make better choices.

I have rights too, and I exercise the right to love my Mom without allowing her insanity to cause insanity in MY life. I can love people and not want them around me. It's ok to be angry about it, to feel short-changed, lied to, abused, and mistrustful. But I no longer let that be my identity nor let it rule my perspective on life.

I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Dad has truly been the one who holds her together - again, from a distance - and if he goes first, I become the executor and end up managing her. I do not look forward to that happening!

Keep reading (a good book worth checking out is "An Unquiet Mind", by Kay Redfield Jamieson), and keep coming back.
~T