Thanks so much everyone. I'm back at home, as of last night. We had a few arguments with her while we were there about lying and manipulation, but we were trying to be as patient as possible. When we left we told her to be strong, take care of herself, call when she needs us, but do NOT call when she's drinking. I feel that's the best we can do and we need to let her be as she'll be until she'll hit rock bottom, if she ever will. Of course I get all flustered when I think about the probability of her calling while drunk, calling us at work, or switching the angry/poor me switch over and over again.
My brother read Dad's diary yesterday. We agree she has to read this someday but don't know when it's appropriate. Right now, it would be borderline hateful. Throughout his comments he repeated how he wished he could die and solve all his problems. I hate that he spent his last year feeling like that (and many many more.) And I hate that he did it all in silence--protecting everyone else from her behavior. That's the kind of man he was though...so strong. That's why he faced Leukemia the way he did too.
PohsFriend - Our moms should get together and go bowling or something.
Very very similar indeed. I've heard so many hateful comments over the years, and now she tries to be nice and complimentary. Maybe I should let her redeem herself, but I have a hard time believing her comments at all. That's something I have to work on. I'm planning to reach out to an EAP program here just to discuss my anger and guilt.
The constant pity party and manipulation drives me crazy. I understand she had a rough childhood because her mom died when she was 7. I think she was really lacking affection, and her Dad was an alcoholic too. But, she talks about it nonstop and despite therapy and medication, and 44 years of a happy marriage with a man who loved her to bits, she does nothing but bring up the bad experiences every time she gets drunk. Now she says her life sucks because now her husband died too and everything HAPPENS TO HER. "I'm angry at God. Is this a joke? Why does he keep doing this to me?" Argh. She's GOOD. I think she should start a line of Hallmark Guilt Trip cards.
As if it all weren't bad enough, my Dad passed away on my birthday. No - I'm not making this about me, I promise. I'm glad he's not in pain anymore, so I still say, "Wish granted." I'm sure my next (and next) birthday won't be easy but I'm hopeful I can deal. But for HER, this is another reason for HER sadness. I had to hear her say multiple times, "And he passed away on my daughter's 39th birthday." I seriously wanted to hop a plane outta there. I fully expect that as the years go by, I will hear it many many more times, all so she can get more sympathy. I expect my next birthday wish will from her will be, "Happy Birthday. It's been one year since my husband died." Sounds like a good introductory Hallmark card for her new line.
Of course, that is if she lasts that long. I'm doubtful she'll live very long the way she's going. If she has another manic episode (she's had one), any number of things could happen.
Thanks again everyone. You're good peeps for e-listening and offering your experience and advice to me, a complete stranger. It really helps. I've encouraged my brother to come out here and post as well.