Welcome, NoTrust. Sheesh - you have my full sympathy. My Mom is bi-polar and in the midst of a pretty major manic episode. She has psychotic tendencies, and I think even hears voices when she is really manic. It's very difficult to deal with. Mom also drinks heavily when manic, as a way to control her symptoms (this is very common) and something to note, the alcohol can have a counter-effect on the meds, making them ineffective. Some meds, like what my Mom currently takes, react badly with alcohol, potentially reducing blood pressure to a point of shutting down vital organs, exacerbating the effects of alcohol, which makes them more drunk more easily, etc. It's a ticking time bomb, as far as I am concerned.
My Dad moved out 10 years ago, after she caught the house on fire during a drunken manic episode. That was the end for him, but he remains married to her as a way to protect her financially. If he divorces, she gets a big chunk of money which we know she will spend quickly and be destitute. I hate that he has to live like this, but we have yet to find another solution that would work. Tried the guardian/conservator-ship road and she presents too well to get a judge to order that. However, now that she is getting older, it may become easier to obtain. I suggest you look into this in her state, as a potential option if she really goes off the rails. And that may very well happen, given the major trauma of losing her husband - the man who has probably held her together all this time.
I wish I had more positive things to say, but the bottom line for my family is we wait for the time that she is better able to function, and then we haul her butt to the psychiatrist or psych ward and get her on extra meds (lithium, particularly), knowing that while we are waiting and avoiding being her target, we risk the potential for death. It hangs over me all the time, knowing any episode could be the end for her. Sometimes I wish that, and yes, having those emotions is totally normal. Mental illness can be a form of terror for the families. I have a lot of resentment toward it all, while knowing it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and not about me as a person. But its hard not to take it personally, as if there is some choice involved with mental illness.
I haven't spoken to my Mom in over a month, since she kicked me out of her house for daring to challenge her madness, after I delivered her groceries because she also has agorophobia and won't leave the house unless she needs booze and cigarettes.
She is a master manipulator, too. I caught wind of a new "doctor" in the picture, a family practice doctor in our small community, and I called him to give him her background, knowing she is a big fat liar. When she found out, she was LIVID! and you know what? I don't care, because her lies put some innocent business man (he's in private practice) at risk and I will not stand for that. My boundaries with her are solid. She has the right to be a crazy drunk if she wants, but she does not have the right to put the public at risk with unsafe behavior. That includes driving drunk, lying to medical providers, etc. Her right to be a crazy drunk ends at the end of her nose, if that makes sense. She does not have the right to terrorize anyone else, family included.
After 25 years of this, I can say I have learned to love her in spite of the mental illness. But when she is manic, I love her from a distance, and have faith that whatever may be, will be. Having had 5 years of a marriage to an alcoholic man, and focusing the last two years on my own issues and recovery from that, I can see how much this has affected my life unbeknownst to me. But now I am aware and can find acceptance that this is my life and who my Mom is, and I can begin to make better choices.
I have rights too, and I exercise the right to love my Mom without allowing her insanity to cause insanity in MY life. I can love people and not want them around me. It's ok to be angry about it, to feel short-changed, lied to, abused, and mistrustful. But I no longer let that be my identity nor let it rule my perspective on life.
I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Dad has truly been the one who holds her together - again, from a distance - and if he goes first, I become the executor and end up managing her. I do not look forward to that happening!
Keep reading (a good book worth checking out is "An Unquiet Mind", by Kay Redfield Jamieson), and keep coming back.
~T