Brady0404

Hi there, I am brand spankin' new to this board. I need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We live together, I love him very much and he is so good to me. Most of of the time.
When we met, I knew he was in recovery. He was 9 months clean. This was in the summer of 2011. In November 2011, he celebrated his 1 year clean. He almost made it to a year and a half.
We then signed a lease for our first apartment and were both very excited. Everything was going great. He was a rock star at work and his dad had just bought him a new car.
One night I came home from work and found a bottle of Vodka under the sink. He told me he was ashamed. We talked, I cried....two days later he told me the reason he drank was being he had just smoked crack. This was very upsetting to me as I knew that was his drug of choice and it nearly killed him years prior. He went back into the program, giving up a year and a half clean. This time he made it 3 months before he smoked crack again. He knew what he needed to do.
Now here I am, 3 months later. 2.5 weeks ago I confronted him about suspicious activity with our SAVINGS and he denied everything saying we needed to the money for things, (groceries, glasses, etc..). He also made me feel terrible because I was questioning his sobriety and I didn't trust him and that's no way to have a relationship. I let it go but watched his spending very carefully and KNEW something was up. 2 days ago (Friday) he confessed that he had been on a 2.5 week run of crack and weed. He had lied to me, made me feel terrible about questioning him. He kept apologizing to me, saying he was so sorry he ruined my weekend with this news. I let him know that I wasn't afraid to leave. This scared him. I think. Later on that weekend he kept asking me what was wrong. I think he knew what was wrong. He promised me he would get back into the program and start seeing a therapist. He came clean about everything on Friday. It is now Monday and he did not attend a meeting all weekend claiming he needed to get the drug out of his system.

Sorry this was so long but I need advice on what to do and how to help him. I know I need to take care of myself but I don't want to abandon him. I love him very much. I want him to get the help he so desperately needs. Does anyone have any advice? Specifically anyone who has gone through a similar situation?

Thanks,
Marsha

Kindeyes

Marsha
I'm glad you're here. Most of us have been in the same spot you're in. Whether its a boyfriend, spouse, sibling or child....we've all been there.

Your bf knows what to do. He's done it. There is nothing you're going to do that will get or keep him clean. It's an inside job. He has enough program to know what to do.

So what can you do? You can take care of you and let him take care of himself. You can set boundaries and hold them. You can detach from the addiction. You can find a support group for yourself full of people who are learning to cope with a loved one's addiction (Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are two such support groups). You can read and educate yourself on addiction, recovery and codependence. You can allow him the dignity of feeling the full force of the consequences of his use.

Welcome........SR is a great resource. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR. As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.

Please keep reading about addiction, know the demon you will be dealing with. Without some kind of support and knowledge, it can and will leave you emotionally, physically, and spiritually broken.

Sadly, less then 3% of crack addicts recover for life. Research is showing that crack and sex addiction are often intertwined.

Cynical One (another poster) has a great blog to help educate you further, I would suggest you read it, read the stickies on top, read Codependent No More and keep posting. You sound like many....on a roller coaster to hell.

You are not alone!

Brady0404

Thank you both for the advice. I just got off the phone with my bf and told him I was going to attend a Nar-Anon meeting tonight. I have gone to one before and he supported me 100% with that. When I just told him now, he said "why? I don't go to meetings on how to deal with you!" And he basically hung up the phone on me. Sometimes I want to shake him and ask him if he's serious?!

LoveMeNow

Addicts never want their enablers to get healthy. He will do everything to try and protect and sustain his addiction. You can take everything he told you about his using and multiply is by at least 4.

Naranon is for you, not him...but nice deflection and manipulation effort on his behalf.

Blame shifting, deflection, denial, manipulation, lies, and more lies are all typical of an active addict.

Brady0404

It's almost as if he told me the truth (after 2.5 of week of lying) and now he can say sorry and now we move on. It's not like that. He really hurt me this time. He says he is going to a meeting tonight with an old sponsee brother. I want to believe him and hopefully it is true and his sponsee brother can get him to go. He also said he was going to go on Saturday (he didn't) and then on Sunday (again he didn't).

LoveMeNow

I fell into a false sense of security about meetings. My husband was going to 2 a day, had a sponsor, was working the steps, had relapsed and I had no idea.

The meetings can help a motivated person who wants recovery find the tools but they do not keep or get them clean.

NA/AA are full of active users and many lie about their sobriety time.

Please don't be surprised that his "confession" is only have the truth. I know I was!!

Brady0404

are there any programs out there that aren't step related? i feel like maybe he should try something new...i don't know. i'm fresh out of ideas and upset that i'm the bad guy in this situation. He's so easy to anger. It's like I was the one that betrayed him!

Brady0404

also how is your husband doing now?

anond

Brady, you are not the bad guy. Drug addiction is the bad guy.

If your bf has been through rehab and was following a program, he knows himself what he needs to do to stay well. All the choices are his.

We can want our addict to get better, but ultimately it is out of our hands.

Take care of YOU!!

Brady0404

How do I respond to him when he makes me feel like the bad guy? When he says stuff like "I hate being treated as if I'm the on with the issue". Believe me, he uses that one a lot!

LoveMeNow

There are other programs but they are his to find. (see secular section for list). You can not "fix" his problems, he has to want and need to.

You are the bad guy because you are coming in between him and his drugs. We all become that. One time, I said to my husband - Am I your enemy or just your addictions? He sat up and just stared at me. He knew the answer.

Be careful, if you find yourself drawn to posters that feed into our "hopeful fantasies." This is the internet, not everything you read is honest. Go back and read all the posters posts, the inconsistency and "mis-truths" will evident.

I am not saying recovery is not possible, there are many recovering addicts and codependents on this forum. There is always hope!! But if I have learned anything about addiction, if it sounds too good to be true, it isn't.

JMHO

LoveMeNow

Start working on YOU. Remember, he is trying to protect his addiction with blame, manipulation, lies, deflection.

Its best not to engage at all, but if you do.....which will most likely end up making you as sick as him, just tell yourself.....He is just trying the tried and true tactics of an addict.

They work good, huh?? Keeps us hooked into the cycle of dysfunction and sickness.

outtolunch

May I add, double up on birth control. Parenthood does not cure addiction.

I would also get tested for HIV/STDs because crack and sex usually go hand in hand.

He's addicted to crack doing what crack adicts do. It's all about protecting and sustaining addiction at any costs. You can choose to stop playing second fiddle anytime you want to do so.

JMFburns

My first thought was get your finances separated. I'm glad that was suggested.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but welcome to SR and I'm glad you posted so quickly.

My son was what brought me here, so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know my son lied straight to my face so, so, so many times that it isn't even funny. Through all of his drug addiction he swore he would never hurt me, that he loved and appreciated me, that I was a good Mom, etc., etc., etc. He told me WHATEVER I needed to hear to make me "happy" at the time so he could continue using drugs. It's the same manipulative behavior from addict to addict.

Brady0404

Yes I am beginning to agree. He tells me what I want to hear. He is also dying for credit because he told me the truth after 2.5 weeks...I told him...great job that you were able to recognize the problem before you killed yourself. Good for you. That doesn't take away any of the hurt that you brought upon me! You still lied to ME, you still took away $1300 from OUR savings account. I feel bad for this but he always says "would you be mad at someone with cancer when they relapse?". I get it. This is a disease....but still...isn't it different??

hello-kitty

Yes it is. And he knows that too. He's just trying to manipulate you. People recovering from cancer don't lie, cheat and steal from their family members so they can get high off their chemo drugs. It's completely different and what he's doing is messing with your head to make you feel like the bad guy... so he can keep using without consequences. That's just what addicts do.

By the way, my stomach hit the floor when I read your story. My ex is a crack addict. Read all you can about crack addiction. It's a doozy and it will destroy you BEFORE it destroys your addict. It's very difficult to quit - I used for about 2 years. I got completely hooked and my life was a complete trainwreck before I finally managed to quit and it took years and 100% dedication to recovery for me to quit and stay quit. My ex never quit. He ditched our baby so he could keep using drugs. Most crack addicts are never able to quit permanently. They get on a roller coaster of relapses that last the rest of their lives. It's not pretty. It's not something any sane, healthy person wants to be around.

Keep reading all you can here. Protect yourself with firm boundaries about the kind of treatment and behavior you are willing to accept in a relationship (and the steps you will take if those boundaries are violated). Don't trust him. Hide your valuables. Good luck to you.

LoveMeNow

You are already getting caught up in the sickness. The crazy making is in your head. Please seek outside help asap.

He wants credit for telling the truth?? Really?? Shouldn't truth and trust be an essential part of our moral character and our relationships. I almost spit fire when my husband tried that one. The days of putting stars on the forehead for good behavior ended in the 2nd grade.

Think about the insanity. It's like saying "hey, I didn't run over that pedestrian even though I had the right of way. Don't I get credit for that??"

JustSix

Oh, that's rich. He's comparing himself to a cancer patient. Please! Most cancer patients worry more about leaving their families in good shape than they do about themselves. Please don't buy into his delusion.

Maylie

From reading your post and what you have said in response to the responses people have given you it seems VERY LIKELY that he is actively using daily and his relapse that he "confessed" to wasn't something in the past.

I am a recoverd heroin addict and a loved one of a RA and I can tell you from personal experience that no one that is in recovery would ever compare themselves to a cancer patiant, get offended when you say you are going to a meeting for you, or try to make you feel like you are the bad guy. Also, someone trying to throw themselves back into their recovery would not be making empty promises about going to meetings. These are all red flags for active addiction.

Please seperate your money. He did not even hesitate to withdraw $1,300 from a joint account. As he continues to use it will get to the point to where one day you go to buy gas and your card is declined and you check and he has left you with $5 to your name. Please protect yourself. When an addict is actively using all they can focus on is getting high. Nothing else matters. You might as well assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

You need to focus on you and let him figure himself out. Seperate your money, make sure all your valuable jewlry is not in the house, and get to meetings no matter what he says about it. A good question to consider is "if this is as good as it is going to get, do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?" and it is also good to consider what you are willing to put up with. If you decide on things that you will not accept and things that will be a deal breaker for you then set that as a boundary and if he crosses it then leave. (It is easier said than done but when I didn't set out what I was not willing to put up with I would always make excuses why I would put up with it and then I would never put myself first and I ended making myself miserable).

It is within his power to stop using and choose recovery and it is within your power to take care of yourself, put yourself first, and to decide what you are going to deal with. It is very easy to lose ourselves when dealing with an addict, for your sanity and well being, please don't put him first. If it makes it any easier, remind yourself that he puts crack before you and that he is in love with crack. When I reminded myself that I was not first in teh relationship, heroin was, it became a lot easier for me to put MY needs first and take care of ME.

hugs

Maylie