Time sensitive Advice for me..(& my AD)
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Time sensitive Advice for me..(& my AD)
I just joined here yesterday feeling at my wits end worried about how I was going to makeit thru the holidays with out my AD. (real quick summary- she has been addicted to crack and now heroine for about 6months. After she OD'd & infected a vein in her foot she was hospitalized for about a week and almost lost her foot. I had her commited but after keeping her 3 or 4 days she was released form detox..because her infection was getting worst upon heading back out to the street to use I had her commited again. She then decided to check into the 30 day home with the intention to continue her treatment outpatient. At this time I still told her she could not come home until she entered a long term treatment. She did her 30days and then I let her come stay with me for 2 days while she worked onher application to the mountains. As I left for work the 3rd day I dropped her off at social services and she ended up back on the street using and not just a little ..We could not even find her in Oct but she has since turned up and looking to spend Christmas at home. She did however spend Thanksgiving withsome family friends and was totally messed up and USING in what we know as MEEMAW's home.
Now I have been plagued with the decision of what to get her for Christmas and will she be allowed here (My family including neice, nephews & step daughter will be here as well) I learned alot form this site on how to shop for the addicted and I was feeling a bit better until a couple of hours ago....
**My daughter texted me from someones phone at the crack house she has been staying at and told me she missed me and loved me...I texted her back that I loved her and thought about her every minute of everyday and that I had hope that one day soon SHE will want help and want to change her lifestyle. Not expecting her to even reply this is what she said:
"Mama...its been along time I been doing this & I'm scared I can't quit. I dnt think rehab can help b/c I did that already. U always told me once a crackhead always a crackhead..do u still feel this way now that I am one?"
Well.. I did say that..but it was back when she was young & I was trying to make her understand that experimenting with crack was life changing and never to use..as her Father had been in denial for her entire life. I replied with how much I believed inher and that when she was ready to give it up I would be there to support her recovery..& that she will know when its time.
NOW....what do I do?? I never know if I say too much it will end up putting me back in the enabler seat but if she thinks she is really tired of this life and misses her old life I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to encourage her recovery...of course there are sooooo many factors to think about I feel like I'm going to explode!! Like what if she was coming down and only felt that for that short time and now its over and back to the pipe. I also need to prepare her for the fact that if she is using I cannot allow her to stay at my house and that basically she will NOT be with us so she should go ahead and seek the help she needs while we will all support her even if she has to go away.
I am so sad & tired of having to make decisions like this on a daily basis..I am so not ready as I just started seeking support myself..Feeling helpless..
Now I have been plagued with the decision of what to get her for Christmas and will she be allowed here (My family including neice, nephews & step daughter will be here as well) I learned alot form this site on how to shop for the addicted and I was feeling a bit better until a couple of hours ago....
**My daughter texted me from someones phone at the crack house she has been staying at and told me she missed me and loved me...I texted her back that I loved her and thought about her every minute of everyday and that I had hope that one day soon SHE will want help and want to change her lifestyle. Not expecting her to even reply this is what she said:
"Mama...its been along time I been doing this & I'm scared I can't quit. I dnt think rehab can help b/c I did that already. U always told me once a crackhead always a crackhead..do u still feel this way now that I am one?"
Well.. I did say that..but it was back when she was young & I was trying to make her understand that experimenting with crack was life changing and never to use..as her Father had been in denial for her entire life. I replied with how much I believed inher and that when she was ready to give it up I would be there to support her recovery..& that she will know when its time.
NOW....what do I do?? I never know if I say too much it will end up putting me back in the enabler seat but if she thinks she is really tired of this life and misses her old life I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to encourage her recovery...of course there are sooooo many factors to think about I feel like I'm going to explode!! Like what if she was coming down and only felt that for that short time and now its over and back to the pipe. I also need to prepare her for the fact that if she is using I cannot allow her to stay at my house and that basically she will NOT be with us so she should go ahead and seek the help she needs while we will all support her even if she has to go away.
I am so sad & tired of having to make decisions like this on a daily basis..I am so not ready as I just started seeking support myself..Feeling helpless..
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I also left out that before she became an addict (addicted to pain pills) she had just finished Cosmetology School and successfully obtained her State Board license...she had graduated Highschool on the honor roll and had her whole life ahead of her. She was a competition dancer frolm the age of 4 and while I KNOW NOW that addicts come from everywhere and should not be stereotyped as losers or lost causes .. I just know that regardless if how well I want to think I know what THEY are going thru..I don't!! and she has GOT to feel she has blown all her chances & IS a loser.. I want so bad to know how to make her KNOW that it is NEVER too late... even if it may be today...I will hope for tomorrow..but please someone with the knowledge (I have not purchased the books yet) advise me how to get thru this stage..Thanks!!
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Dear Hope for Bella, I am a Mom of a heroin addict (22) and he was missing for 4 months, I didn't know if he was alive or dead. He was shot at and stabbed (which he was treated for) and ended up in jail. He used to tell me the whole "rehab doesn't work" line because he didn't want to stop. He is now saying no matter where or what it takes he wants to be clean. He says now that rehab is a tool but it is his desire to get clean which can carry him. I think all of our addicts have to hit that "bottom" where they are reaching out for help (and normally it isn't us who can help them). Your best option is to let her know you love her and that her only option in a relationship is sobriety. She may be remorseful right now or she may really want to get help. Either way, she can do it when she is ready to stop hitting the bottom.
Please keep reading here, there are many mothers dealing with heroin, crack and everything else. Lots of wisdom, experience support and help here too!
Hugs,
Teresa
Please keep reading here, there are many mothers dealing with heroin, crack and everything else. Lots of wisdom, experience support and help here too!
Hugs,
Teresa
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((Bella)) - I'm a recovering crackhead and have loved ones who are addicts/alcoholics. I think you did great!
I had a good life, was an RN and ended up on the streets smoking crack. Yes, I did feel like "oh well, I've messed everything up, might as well keep going"..for a while. I finally got sick and tired of the consequences, which my loved ones allowed me to deal with, and found recovery.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I pray that your daughter hits her bottom and finds recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I had a good life, was an RN and ended up on the streets smoking crack. Yes, I did feel like "oh well, I've messed everything up, might as well keep going"..for a while. I finally got sick and tired of the consequences, which my loved ones allowed me to deal with, and found recovery.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I pray that your daughter hits her bottom and finds recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thank you for what I needed to hear... I'm guessing I'm hanging on to the little girl that asked me for advice and actually took it... I also realized by reading your comment that they ALL "say" they don't want it anymore and that WE all WANT to believe it...& like LoveMeNot said, I may be doubting myself. Is it EVER going to be where I KNOW what to do or what I did was right? Having not accepted the fact that I myself am not well & have not learned to cope with my "wanting to fix things" ways I guess this is why I will remain on this site and keep getting and giving support to others like me. Thanks again for the reassurance that what I already know is what I still need to do.. 
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((Impurrfect))- so you are a recovering CH...but do you recall the time when you were telling others you wanted help or that you missed them & your life and then KNOW the difference when you meant it...I really want to hear the other side of things because I know my daughter cannot explain this to me...and did you recall when your loved ones said or did something that made you turn away or want to get help? I REALLY would love to hear any of the feelings you are comfortable with sharing as I am doing my best to understand and stay strong. My job and relationship has taken a backseat to my AD. The fact that you are in recovery gives me that tad bit of hope I need.
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((Bella)) - There were times when I told my family that I wanted to get clean and I really did...for that moment, but it didn't last long. As far as if they did/said anything to change the situation? I will admit that I often felt guilty, the few times my dad would come find me and take me to lunch. It wasn't HIS fault, I just knew I was doing wrong but instead of doing anything about it, I'd just go back and get high to drown out the feelings.
I do know that, near the end of my using, while I was sitting in jail, I realized that they were NOT going to drop everything and come visit me; that they had gone on with their lives and if I wanted to be a part of their lives, I had to seek recovery. It still took a while, got clean (not in recovery), relapsed a couple of weeks, and at that point I was done.
I now live with my dad and stepmom, she's a pill addict, he's her major enabler. Despite everything I know about addiction and all that I've learned about codependency, I STILL don't always do the right thing. Sometimes, I detach, other times I might as well beat my head against the wall as I try to make them just SEE why what they're doing is wrong.
Progress, not perfection
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do know that, near the end of my using, while I was sitting in jail, I realized that they were NOT going to drop everything and come visit me; that they had gone on with their lives and if I wanted to be a part of their lives, I had to seek recovery. It still took a while, got clean (not in recovery), relapsed a couple of weeks, and at that point I was done.
I now live with my dad and stepmom, she's a pill addict, he's her major enabler. Despite everything I know about addiction and all that I've learned about codependency, I STILL don't always do the right thing. Sometimes, I detach, other times I might as well beat my head against the wall as I try to make them just SEE why what they're doing is wrong.
Progress, not perfection
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thank you Impurrfect...I know that my AD knows all I have ever done is try to help her (or enable) but I just wanted to hear that when you realized they went on with their lives that even if you took that as an excuse to use more (as I feel my AD is doing) that you really deep down inside knew they still loved you but it was you who had to fix you and not them...
it is so hard to hear it from friends family & Doctors because I feel like they don't really KNOW what the addict is feeling and it is a BIG help to hear both sides. So very proud to know you & that you're in recovery. :ghug3
it is so hard to hear it from friends family & Doctors because I feel like they don't really KNOW what the addict is feeling and it is a BIG help to hear both sides. So very proud to know you & that you're in recovery. :ghug3
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Hopeforbella,
You did the right thing.
I have been on both sides and even after getting to see it from the perspective of being an addict and from the perspective of being a loved one of an addict, there still aren't answers or definite ways to handle certain situations.
There really isn't anything you can do to make her stop. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to set boundaries. For example, my biggest boundary is that I will not be around active addicts. My boyfriend, who is also a recovering addict, knows that if I ever suspected he had been using that he will be shown the door and that I will not pick up his phone calls. I also have a boundary that no one that is actively using is to come into my apartment or car. If you set boundaries it will be healthier and safer for you, and she will have consequences. If she wants to be there for chirstmas, she will have to be clean. If she wants your support and a relationship with you she will know she will have to be clean, otherwise she will miss out on family events and talking to you until she realizes she is tired of the life she is living. When addicts don't have consequences it helps convince them that they can sustain their lifestyle of using drugs.
My sister once asked me what it would take for me to stop and I couldn't answer her. My bottom was having my friend overdose on my couch and turn blue. My boyfriend had to do CPR and then the cops came treated me like the lowest scum of the earth and ripped my apartment apart and arrested my boyfriend. That was my bottom and that is what made me have enough. My mom and family couldn't love the addiction out of me, being a law student couldn't make me wake up and realize I deserved better than drugs, nothing could make me stop until I had had enough.
Please take care of yourself and take the focus off her and onto you. I know it is really hard, but you need to make sure that you are taken care of. She will find her path when she is ready. As for a christmas gift, I myself will not spend my money giving a gift to someone that is actively using but I have had to completely seperate myself from drugs in order to perserve my own well being and sobriety. Whatever you choose to do, do it because it is the right decision for YOU not her. Because honestly when it comes down to it, her decisions aren't based on love or compassion, they are based on a primal need to sustain her addiction.
hugs
Maylie
You did the right thing.
I have been on both sides and even after getting to see it from the perspective of being an addict and from the perspective of being a loved one of an addict, there still aren't answers or definite ways to handle certain situations.
There really isn't anything you can do to make her stop. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to set boundaries. For example, my biggest boundary is that I will not be around active addicts. My boyfriend, who is also a recovering addict, knows that if I ever suspected he had been using that he will be shown the door and that I will not pick up his phone calls. I also have a boundary that no one that is actively using is to come into my apartment or car. If you set boundaries it will be healthier and safer for you, and she will have consequences. If she wants to be there for chirstmas, she will have to be clean. If she wants your support and a relationship with you she will know she will have to be clean, otherwise she will miss out on family events and talking to you until she realizes she is tired of the life she is living. When addicts don't have consequences it helps convince them that they can sustain their lifestyle of using drugs.
My sister once asked me what it would take for me to stop and I couldn't answer her. My bottom was having my friend overdose on my couch and turn blue. My boyfriend had to do CPR and then the cops came treated me like the lowest scum of the earth and ripped my apartment apart and arrested my boyfriend. That was my bottom and that is what made me have enough. My mom and family couldn't love the addiction out of me, being a law student couldn't make me wake up and realize I deserved better than drugs, nothing could make me stop until I had had enough.
Please take care of yourself and take the focus off her and onto you. I know it is really hard, but you need to make sure that you are taken care of. She will find her path when she is ready. As for a christmas gift, I myself will not spend my money giving a gift to someone that is actively using but I have had to completely seperate myself from drugs in order to perserve my own well being and sobriety. Whatever you choose to do, do it because it is the right decision for YOU not her. Because honestly when it comes down to it, her decisions aren't based on love or compassion, they are based on a primal need to sustain her addiction.
hugs
Maylie
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((((Bella)))) I'm so sorry for you, your daughter. It hurts so much to watch a loved one slide down.
For Christmas gifts, I gave thermal socks, a warm coat, scarf and a hoodie. Sadly, there's not much that can't be traded for drugs. Just let her know you love her and will be there when she gets clean. You might want to look into your local shelters and free rehabs so yu have suggestions when she's ready to go.
If its any comfort to you, my two siblings are mostly clean and sober today I love them both so much but there's nothing I could do but love them where they were, if that makes sense.
Love from Lenina
For Christmas gifts, I gave thermal socks, a warm coat, scarf and a hoodie. Sadly, there's not much that can't be traded for drugs. Just let her know you love her and will be there when she gets clean. You might want to look into your local shelters and free rehabs so yu have suggestions when she's ready to go.
If its any comfort to you, my two siblings are mostly clean and sober today I love them both so much but there's nothing I could do but love them where they were, if that makes sense.
Love from Lenina
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I am so sorry you're dealing with this disease. It hurts a mother's heart beyond measure.
Our recovery is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. The one thing that people kept saying to me early on was "take care of yourself" and "live your life". It sounds crazy but it works. As we begin to work a program and heal, we learn how to live again. We learn how to take care of ourselves and we model that healthy behavior for our addicted loved ones.
We are expert worriers. Our lives are lived in fear. Our greatest fear is that our son or daughter (or whomever the loved one is) will die. We eat, sleep, and breathe that fear. Learning to let go of that fear was essential for me. My mantra for a very long time was "why fear what I cannot control". Letting go of my fear was a huge step toward my own recovery.
The other thing that people told me over and over again was "work the program that you wish he would" (my son) so I did. I THREW myself into the process of my own recovery with all of my energy. Meetings. Step Study. Reading literture and 12 step books (Nar-Anon's SESH is great) And I began to feel better. I began to change my behaviors.
As far as what I got my son for birthdays and Christmas.....warm clothing and that's all. No money. Nothing of good trade value but something that showed I cared.
I know that my son knows I love him. Your daughter KNOWS you love her.....no matter what.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Our recovery is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. The one thing that people kept saying to me early on was "take care of yourself" and "live your life". It sounds crazy but it works. As we begin to work a program and heal, we learn how to live again. We learn how to take care of ourselves and we model that healthy behavior for our addicted loved ones.
We are expert worriers. Our lives are lived in fear. Our greatest fear is that our son or daughter (or whomever the loved one is) will die. We eat, sleep, and breathe that fear. Learning to let go of that fear was essential for me. My mantra for a very long time was "why fear what I cannot control". Letting go of my fear was a huge step toward my own recovery.
The other thing that people told me over and over again was "work the program that you wish he would" (my son) so I did. I THREW myself into the process of my own recovery with all of my energy. Meetings. Step Study. Reading literture and 12 step books (Nar-Anon's SESH is great) And I began to feel better. I began to change my behaviors.
As far as what I got my son for birthdays and Christmas.....warm clothing and that's all. No money. Nothing of good trade value but something that showed I cared.
I know that my son knows I love him. Your daughter KNOWS you love her.....no matter what.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Hope4Bella,
We have the same problem with different circumstances. I HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM, I can't do this any more.
My AS is so much like his AF it is scary! He lives in another state and has been in a relationship for 3 years. He lies to me so much I really have no idea exactly where he is.
They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. They had a major blow up and she and her mother put his belongings outside in the rain. They made up. She has harrassed all of his friends and family. I have met her 1 time and finally had to call the police to stop her harrassment.
He was enrolled in college and on the Dean's List, not working. He told me he was homeless and couch surfing to finish the semester. I was sending him money and I am retired - but we want to help them so much. All of it was a lie - he had moved back in with her and both of them were in on the conn, they were not enrolled that semester and they were using my money to party. I found out when I called the police.
She came after him with a knife and he called police, she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. He lost almost all of his belongings and he was living in the woods. Then he was working with a friend and I bought tickets there and back. The friend was arrested for parole violation, no more working.
He posts on FB that he suicidal and has my entire family upset and calling me - then he friends her again. I gave him numbers for help and he said he had made an appointment and had a sponsor.
THEN he somehow is back very close to where they were living. He asks me for money again (sigh) and I start questioning him and he gets p*****. Although he denies it I am sure they are back together. A very toxic couple - but at least she can not harrass me any more.
His plan is to attend college for a 4 year degree - how in the h*** is he going to support himself - not by me! I refused to send money and he told me he was going to kill himself and to enjoy my perfect life, he blocked me on FB.
I am not a fan of FB but it was my only contact with him. I had already made my plan that I would not send money for Christmas and I have no other way to send a gift.
He had been clean and sober for a year and I liked him - he is so manipulative and lies so well that I didn't realize he had relapsed, not until she started harrassing me for money. His drama makes my head spin. They are 34 and 38 years old!
Soooooooooooooooo, I would be a liar if I said it did not bother me - and since he cuts himself he very well may one day committ suicide. I also know that it is beyond my control, turning it over to a HP is sometimes an hourly process.
I go to the gym daily, meditate, hobbies, read spiritual and addiction books. I had always thought he would 'grow out of it' as his sister did. Her brush with the law scared her straight. His 3 felonies and numerous court ordered rehabs only gave him 'bragging rights'. He started young and has stolen from me so much, including my car and Christmas presents.
I don't have the problem of inviting him home for Christmas, but I have in the past, and it was always stressful.
What ever you do, as has been suggested, put you first for a change. It is extremely hard for a mother to do, but these children require much different treatment.
(((hugs and blessings for us all)))
We have the same problem with different circumstances. I HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM, I can't do this any more.
My AS is so much like his AF it is scary! He lives in another state and has been in a relationship for 3 years. He lies to me so much I really have no idea exactly where he is.
They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. They had a major blow up and she and her mother put his belongings outside in the rain. They made up. She has harrassed all of his friends and family. I have met her 1 time and finally had to call the police to stop her harrassment.
He was enrolled in college and on the Dean's List, not working. He told me he was homeless and couch surfing to finish the semester. I was sending him money and I am retired - but we want to help them so much. All of it was a lie - he had moved back in with her and both of them were in on the conn, they were not enrolled that semester and they were using my money to party. I found out when I called the police.
She came after him with a knife and he called police, she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. He lost almost all of his belongings and he was living in the woods. Then he was working with a friend and I bought tickets there and back. The friend was arrested for parole violation, no more working.
He posts on FB that he suicidal and has my entire family upset and calling me - then he friends her again. I gave him numbers for help and he said he had made an appointment and had a sponsor.
THEN he somehow is back very close to where they were living. He asks me for money again (sigh) and I start questioning him and he gets p*****. Although he denies it I am sure they are back together. A very toxic couple - but at least she can not harrass me any more.
His plan is to attend college for a 4 year degree - how in the h*** is he going to support himself - not by me! I refused to send money and he told me he was going to kill himself and to enjoy my perfect life, he blocked me on FB.
I am not a fan of FB but it was my only contact with him. I had already made my plan that I would not send money for Christmas and I have no other way to send a gift.
He had been clean and sober for a year and I liked him - he is so manipulative and lies so well that I didn't realize he had relapsed, not until she started harrassing me for money. His drama makes my head spin. They are 34 and 38 years old!
Soooooooooooooooo, I would be a liar if I said it did not bother me - and since he cuts himself he very well may one day committ suicide. I also know that it is beyond my control, turning it over to a HP is sometimes an hourly process.
I go to the gym daily, meditate, hobbies, read spiritual and addiction books. I had always thought he would 'grow out of it' as his sister did. Her brush with the law scared her straight. His 3 felonies and numerous court ordered rehabs only gave him 'bragging rights'. He started young and has stolen from me so much, including my car and Christmas presents.
I don't have the problem of inviting him home for Christmas, but I have in the past, and it was always stressful.
What ever you do, as has been suggested, put you first for a change. It is extremely hard for a mother to do, but these children require much different treatment.
(((hugs and blessings for us all)))
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Hope4Bella: It occurs to me that I will be in the same place with Christmas this year. Although my son is in rehab, he is still too "new" to be allowed to come home.
I have given myself permission to skip Christmas this year, to avoid the whole emotionally-laden stress of it. For me, it will be a day of kindness for ME. I plan to take my dogs hiking in the woods, enjoying the fact that nobody else will be out that day, to sleep late, eat yummy food, read, watch movies, whatever. I will focus on my husband who is certainly feeling neglected at this point. I will make the day special for ME and take the focus off the expectation that it be some sort of Hallmark family day.
Perhaps you could make some alternative plans without your daughter so that you do not spend the day worrying about where she is or what she is doing. Also, just a suggestion--tell her that in lieu of a present, you will set aside the money for her treatment, should she make the decision to seek it.
I have given myself permission to skip Christmas this year, to avoid the whole emotionally-laden stress of it. For me, it will be a day of kindness for ME. I plan to take my dogs hiking in the woods, enjoying the fact that nobody else will be out that day, to sleep late, eat yummy food, read, watch movies, whatever. I will focus on my husband who is certainly feeling neglected at this point. I will make the day special for ME and take the focus off the expectation that it be some sort of Hallmark family day.
Perhaps you could make some alternative plans without your daughter so that you do not spend the day worrying about where she is or what she is doing. Also, just a suggestion--tell her that in lieu of a present, you will set aside the money for her treatment, should she make the decision to seek it.
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WOW...getting on here tonight & seeing each of these replies has been emotional in so many ways..I am still amazed at how so many of you have to feel like I do (right down to the comment Helpme's son said "go live your perfect life") I have felt so helpless & even guilty for maybe making HER feel the way she does..but I see now that these addicts are ALL the same and ALL LOST yet we still have hope and do most of the suffering...(or our families do) I agree with every one of you and couldn't be MORE THANKFUL to have each of you taking the time to talk to ME!!
I do feel that this experience has maybe changed me for the better somehow and in no way am I glad to have this experience however I do know I see and appreciate things so much more now. I find that I want to help people and love them just because now when I can remember a day when it was all about ME ..(& my child ONLY) ..
Justsix..I have really wanted to take my man & head to the mountains for Christmas as you suggested however he has a 15yr old daughter who I feel really needs us both right now...this will be her 1st Christmas without her mother who died of overdose last year. And then there's my family who have been here for us all and never understanding what is going on..until MY AD ..there has been no abuse of any sort so this year is NOT to be missed but I think we all will be together & focus on the year to come.
I think with the help of you all..I just may get thru it... Thank you all for your very private but much needed comments. This site is truly the support and love we all need.
I do feel that this experience has maybe changed me for the better somehow and in no way am I glad to have this experience however I do know I see and appreciate things so much more now. I find that I want to help people and love them just because now when I can remember a day when it was all about ME ..(& my child ONLY) ..
Justsix..I have really wanted to take my man & head to the mountains for Christmas as you suggested however he has a 15yr old daughter who I feel really needs us both right now...this will be her 1st Christmas without her mother who died of overdose last year. And then there's my family who have been here for us all and never understanding what is going on..until MY AD ..there has been no abuse of any sort so this year is NOT to be missed but I think we all will be together & focus on the year to come.
I think with the help of you all..I just may get thru it... Thank you all for your very private but much needed comments. This site is truly the support and love we all need.
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