Need Advice!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Marsha,
Don't feel guilty for being really frustrated and hurt. You have a right to your feelings, and you have the right to resolve them on your own timetable. You love him, and want to stand by him which is fine, but you also have to take care of yourself.
Although I don't have personal experience with crack; from what I've heard it is one of the hardest to break free of, so Im really sorry that the both of you are facing such an obstacle. There are a lot of people who beat it, several people who post here on a regular basis are proof of that, and also many who post on the Substance Abuse forum.
My husband was hooked on pain meds first prescribed by his doctor. When he was actively using and had no desire to stop, we separated for a while because I couldn't accept his behavior. It wasn't just the fact he was using, but it was how it affected me and that I didn't want our marriage to look like that. (The late nights, lying about it, we would fight, etc.) But I never stopped loving him, or believing he would figure out what a stupid mistake he was making with his life.
You asked about alternatives to the 12 steps. I can tell you that when my husband was out using, I did a lot of research in preparation for him seeking help. There are a lot of options. You can look at the secular forum here, or google things like AVRT (addictive voice recognition), SMART (self management and recovery training). There are lots of others also including private therapy.
My husband did a non-12 step rehab which was based on private therapy. He is now home and it's been 8 months and he is still doing private therapy once a week for maintenance. It's been really good for him, and I think what fits closest to it for his method is Smart recovery. You mentioned your boyfriend was interested in therapy; I would support that option (alone or mixed with something else). I think the key is that he has to have the will to really work at it, figure out why he uses, break his old patterns, change his life, and if he slips then he has to get back up and keep trying. Its not an easy process.
When my husband came home and asked for help, I stood by him from that point on. It was bumpy, but we got through it. A lot of family members here use Alanon/Naranon; but Ive just used private therapy and it has worked well for me. (I also used to read a lot). I have found the SMART family program very helpful and it seems to go along with what I have learned in my own therapy. Its called CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). They suggest a lot of readings; have a web forum like this one, and also weekly online meetings. If you’re interested PM me for links:
If he gets a grasp on his own recovery, then I would also suggest couples counseling. My husband and I started this after he had 2+ months clean time, and we both agree it made a huge difference to our relationship, and also working through our own personal issues. Both people have to be willing I think, as it also takes a lot of work; and honesty is a must. Good Luck.
Don't feel guilty for being really frustrated and hurt. You have a right to your feelings, and you have the right to resolve them on your own timetable. You love him, and want to stand by him which is fine, but you also have to take care of yourself.
Although I don't have personal experience with crack; from what I've heard it is one of the hardest to break free of, so Im really sorry that the both of you are facing such an obstacle. There are a lot of people who beat it, several people who post here on a regular basis are proof of that, and also many who post on the Substance Abuse forum.
My husband was hooked on pain meds first prescribed by his doctor. When he was actively using and had no desire to stop, we separated for a while because I couldn't accept his behavior. It wasn't just the fact he was using, but it was how it affected me and that I didn't want our marriage to look like that. (The late nights, lying about it, we would fight, etc.) But I never stopped loving him, or believing he would figure out what a stupid mistake he was making with his life.
You asked about alternatives to the 12 steps. I can tell you that when my husband was out using, I did a lot of research in preparation for him seeking help. There are a lot of options. You can look at the secular forum here, or google things like AVRT (addictive voice recognition), SMART (self management and recovery training). There are lots of others also including private therapy.
My husband did a non-12 step rehab which was based on private therapy. He is now home and it's been 8 months and he is still doing private therapy once a week for maintenance. It's been really good for him, and I think what fits closest to it for his method is Smart recovery. You mentioned your boyfriend was interested in therapy; I would support that option (alone or mixed with something else). I think the key is that he has to have the will to really work at it, figure out why he uses, break his old patterns, change his life, and if he slips then he has to get back up and keep trying. Its not an easy process.
When my husband came home and asked for help, I stood by him from that point on. It was bumpy, but we got through it. A lot of family members here use Alanon/Naranon; but Ive just used private therapy and it has worked well for me. (I also used to read a lot). I have found the SMART family program very helpful and it seems to go along with what I have learned in my own therapy. Its called CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). They suggest a lot of readings; have a web forum like this one, and also weekly online meetings. If you’re interested PM me for links:
If he gets a grasp on his own recovery, then I would also suggest couples counseling. My husband and I started this after he had 2+ months clean time, and we both agree it made a huge difference to our relationship, and also working through our own personal issues. Both people have to be willing I think, as it also takes a lot of work; and honesty is a must. Good Luck.
Last edited by Ann; 12-04-2012 at 04:23 AM. Reason: Edited to remove liniks and suggest PM instead
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Brady0404 
How do I respond to him when he makes me feel like the bad guy? When he says stuff like "I hate being treated as if I'm the on with the issue". Believe me, he uses that one a lot!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Boston
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone! Glad to report that he, on his own accord, went to a CA meeting last night (Cocaine Anonymous). He asked me if I would like to go with him and that made me happy. We went in and there were a lot of recovering alcoholics there. Probably more than hard narcotic users.
Anyway, he got to talking to the Treasurer after the meeting and they asked him to stay for the business meeting afterwards, which he did. He said he would love to come next Monday. Again, he received his 0-30 day tag. Also when we got home he started looking for therapists that specialized in addiction therapy. His old therapist is out of network and costs and arm and a leg (this does not bother me because he seemed to love her and worked well with her).
Anyway, thank you again for all your support, encouragement, and words. I will also look for a therapist as perhaps an alternative to Nar-Anon. Hopefully I can update you all as we progress.
Many thanks,
Marsha
Anyway, he got to talking to the Treasurer after the meeting and they asked him to stay for the business meeting afterwards, which he did. He said he would love to come next Monday. Again, he received his 0-30 day tag. Also when we got home he started looking for therapists that specialized in addiction therapy. His old therapist is out of network and costs and arm and a leg (this does not bother me because he seemed to love her and worked well with her).
Anyway, thank you again for all your support, encouragement, and words. I will also look for a therapist as perhaps an alternative to Nar-Anon. Hopefully I can update you all as we progress.
Many thanks,
Marsha
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Brady0404
Thanks everyone! Glad to report that he, on his own accord, went to a CA meeting last night (Cocaine Anonymous). He asked me if I would like to go with him and that made me happy. We went in and there were a lot of recovering alcoholics there. Probably more than hard narcotic users.
Anyway, he got to talking to the Treasurer after the meeting and they asked him to stay for the business meeting afterwards, which he did. He said he would love to come next Monday. Again, he received his 0-30 day tag. Also when we got home he started looking for therapists that specialized in addiction therapy. His old therapist is out of network and costs and arm and a leg (this does not bother me because he seemed to love her and worked well with her).
Anyway, thank you again for all your support, encouragement, and words. I will also look for a therapist as perhaps an alternative to Nar-Anon. Hopefully I can update you all as we progress.
Many thanks,
Marsha
Anyway, he got to talking to the Treasurer after the meeting and they asked him to stay for the business meeting afterwards, which he did. He said he would love to come next Monday. Again, he received his 0-30 day tag. Also when we got home he started looking for therapists that specialized in addiction therapy. His old therapist is out of network and costs and arm and a leg (this does not bother me because he seemed to love her and worked well with her).
Anyway, thank you again for all your support, encouragement, and words. I will also look for a therapist as perhaps an alternative to Nar-Anon. Hopefully I can update you all as we progress.
Many thanks,
Marsha
You are right, there needs to be a good, comfortable relationship between you and the therapist. I was scared the first time I went, but after a while she became more like a friend. I am so grateful for the people that God put in our path to help us, and so I wish that you both find great therapist that can help you along on your journey also.
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