Perfectionism-a character defect?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Perfectionism-a character defect?
Is perfectionism a character defect?
I am frequently told I am a perfectionist. I stress over my work trying to please everybody, set impossibly high standards for myself and suffer from insomnia as a result. I keep a notebook by my bed so that when I wake in the night I can jot ideas down.
My sponsor says this is an 'ism' and not a good thing.
I always felt it was a positive trait that I worked so hard, not just for myself, but for others. My job is mainly now to support others and I think I do it well even if my own health suffers sometimes.
I know I don't always get the balance right, but a character defect?
I am frequently told I am a perfectionist. I stress over my work trying to please everybody, set impossibly high standards for myself and suffer from insomnia as a result. I keep a notebook by my bed so that when I wake in the night I can jot ideas down.
My sponsor says this is an 'ism' and not a good thing.
I always felt it was a positive trait that I worked so hard, not just for myself, but for others. My job is mainly now to support others and I think I do it well even if my own health suffers sometimes.
I know I don't always get the balance right, but a character defect?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
for me, yes it is. heres something:
i remodeled my family room and new oak trim was the last part. there was a corner of the cove molding that wasnt perfect. i was gonna take it down and redo it. my girlfiend cam by and we talked a bit and i told her i had to take them peices down to redo em.
she said,"why?"
"they arent perfect," was my reply
"if i was the one doin it,how would you expect me to do it?" she asked
"well, i would expect you to do it the best you could."
she came at me like a truck and slammed me agaist the wall and said, "you son of a bitch, what makes you think yer so much better than me!!"
that woke me up to perfectionism being a character defect.
i
i remodeled my family room and new oak trim was the last part. there was a corner of the cove molding that wasnt perfect. i was gonna take it down and redo it. my girlfiend cam by and we talked a bit and i told her i had to take them peices down to redo em.
she said,"why?"
"they arent perfect," was my reply
"if i was the one doin it,how would you expect me to do it?" she asked
"well, i would expect you to do it the best you could."
she came at me like a truck and slammed me agaist the wall and said, "you son of a bitch, what makes you think yer so much better than me!!"
that woke me up to perfectionism being a character defect.
i
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Jen,
I think you answered this for yourself, it is affecting your health. To me it's a mania. A family member is a perfectionist and it drives me insane if I am involved in any way in his projects. On the other hand I can gravitate between near enough is good enough to procrastination that it won't be good enough so don't even try.
TomSteve, I love your girlfriend LOL
CaiHong
I think you answered this for yourself, it is affecting your health. To me it's a mania. A family member is a perfectionist and it drives me insane if I am involved in any way in his projects. On the other hand I can gravitate between near enough is good enough to procrastination that it won't be good enough so don't even try.
TomSteve, I love your girlfriend LOL
CaiHong
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I stress over my work trying to please everybody, set impossibly high standards for myself and suffer from insomnia as a result
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
. There was a time perfection-ISM worked for me but not anymore. When I ran up against the ISM part of alcohol-ISM, I had to learn a whole new way of dealing with life.
Now I can only indirectly control my life using spiritual principles that attract Higher Power into my life. By indirectly, I mean no more forcing anything to get it to go my way.
I still make an effort to get things done. However, I detach from the outcome.
"All expectations are seeds for resentment."
(Chuang Tzu)
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
I always felt it was a positive trait that I worked so hard, not just for myself, but for others. My job is mainly now to support others and I think I do it well even if my own health suffers sometimes.
I know I don't always get the balance right, but a character defect?
I know I don't always get the balance right, but a character defect?
Now I can only indirectly control my life using spiritual principles that attract Higher Power into my life. By indirectly, I mean no more forcing anything to get it to go my way.
I still make an effort to get things done. However, I detach from the outcome.
"All expectations are seeds for resentment."
(Chuang Tzu)
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Originally Posted by tomsteve
for me, yes it is. heres something:
i remodeled my family room and new oak trim was the last part. there was a corner of the cove molding that wasnt perfect. i was gonna take it down and redo it. my girlfiend cam by and we talked a bit and i told her i had to take them peices down to redo em.
she said,"why?"
"they arent perfect," was my reply
"if i was the one doin it,how would you expect me to do it?" she asked
"well, i would expect you to do it the best you could."
she came at me like a truck and slammed me agaist the wall and said, "you son of a bitch, what makes you think yer so much better than me!!"
that woke me up to perfectionism being a character defect.
i
i remodeled my family room and new oak trim was the last part. there was a corner of the cove molding that wasnt perfect. i was gonna take it down and redo it. my girlfiend cam by and we talked a bit and i told her i had to take them peices down to redo em.
she said,"why?"
"they arent perfect," was my reply
"if i was the one doin it,how would you expect me to do it?" she asked
"well, i would expect you to do it the best you could."
she came at me like a truck and slammed me agaist the wall and said, "you son of a bitch, what makes you think yer so much better than me!!"
that woke me up to perfectionism being a character defect.
i
I am a perfectionist as well. At least I like to think I am...I guess I am the world's most imperfect perfectionist. That's more like it.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Perfectionism, while it seems a trait that is something we should all strive for, it actually stems from a lot of fear and self-esteem issues. My brother in law once told someone that "Paul won't attempt anything unless he's perfect at it". He nailed me for sure. Why did I feel the need to get it just right or forget about it?
Fear.
I had of fear of failure, fear of looking dumb, fear of upsetting anyone by doing it less than perfect, fear of disapproval, etc. I so desperately wanted people to like me that I would sacrifice myself completely to make them just take notice of me. In my own eyes, unless I got the top score or hit that golf ball right into the hole on the first try, it wasn't worth it. It sounds extreme, but that is where I was for many things. And of course, I set my self up to fail in spectacular ways and in banal ways. And then I would drop what I was doing, and start on something else. "This time I'll nail this" and I'd set some impossible goals, fall flat, and start again. When it came down to it, I didn't want others, or myself really, to see that I was human and that I can, and will make errors.
There is a difference between that and in doing a job well done and putting an honest effort into work or a relationship or any other part of our lives. I had to taper the "all-or-nothing-ISM" that dictated much of my life. And it all boils down to fear.
Fear.
I had of fear of failure, fear of looking dumb, fear of upsetting anyone by doing it less than perfect, fear of disapproval, etc. I so desperately wanted people to like me that I would sacrifice myself completely to make them just take notice of me. In my own eyes, unless I got the top score or hit that golf ball right into the hole on the first try, it wasn't worth it. It sounds extreme, but that is where I was for many things. And of course, I set my self up to fail in spectacular ways and in banal ways. And then I would drop what I was doing, and start on something else. "This time I'll nail this" and I'd set some impossible goals, fall flat, and start again. When it came down to it, I didn't want others, or myself really, to see that I was human and that I can, and will make errors.
There is a difference between that and in doing a job well done and putting an honest effort into work or a relationship or any other part of our lives. I had to taper the "all-or-nothing-ISM" that dictated much of my life. And it all boils down to fear.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Perfectionism is a big character defect of mine. I always understood the term to be acceptable and have some positive elements to it, boy was i wrong! Saying it's ok to be a perfectionist is like saying that it is ok to have OCD.
There are lots of resources to read up about this character defect.
"The only thing perfectionism ever produced is failure." Perfectly summed up by BC below!
There are lots of resources to read up about this character defect.
"The only thing perfectionism ever produced is failure." Perfectly summed up by BC below!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hey Jeni. In my own case, whether it be fear, envy, pride, or any other emotion, if it causes me concern, I need to take a look at it. Perfectionism is a personal goal which if taken to the extreme so that it causes you to lose sleep, or any other concern is something to consider. The point at which it becomes a character defect in my opinion is if you demand the same level of perfectionism from other people in your life. That's unreasonable!
I stress over my work trying to please everybody, set impossibly high standards for myself and suffer from insomnia as a result. I keep a notebook by my bed so that when I wake in the night I can jot ideas down.
The above quote from your post caught my attention. "Trying to please everybody"?? You'll die trying to please everybody. Strive for a balance to please yourself and in turn, you'll please others. I've found that when I work to please others and it doesn't seem to be appreciated, I get upset. I get resentful and that's not good. My sponsor taught me to balance AA, Work, Love and Play each day. I have to include myself on that list of people to please.
I stress over my work trying to please everybody, set impossibly high standards for myself and suffer from insomnia as a result. I keep a notebook by my bed so that when I wake in the night I can jot ideas down.
The above quote from your post caught my attention. "Trying to please everybody"?? You'll die trying to please everybody. Strive for a balance to please yourself and in turn, you'll please others. I've found that when I work to please others and it doesn't seem to be appreciated, I get upset. I get resentful and that's not good. My sponsor taught me to balance AA, Work, Love and Play each day. I have to include myself on that list of people to please.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,969
Maybe take a look at some of these in a personal journal and share it with your sponsor? (just suggestions or something to think about)
1. You aren't (your own or anyone's) HP anymore. List the fears that are involved with this and the following statements.
2. Pleasing everyone is impossible; have you taken a look at your real motives behind this? How does it interfere with your self-esteem, personal relationships, ambitions, or security? (yes, 4th step stuff) List your fears. Discuss with sponsor.
3. If you truly can't please all of the people all of the time, are you setting yourself up for failure? How so? Does this help you or hurt you and how? Got any fears?
4. Working hard for others could be helping others, but is it really useful to others? Being helpful and being useful are different. Being helpful can stop others from learning many things on their own. Think about it or talk with your sponsor. What fears are involved here?
5. Are you still trying to control your world, therefore playing HP again? (back to number 1 here).
6. You say your job now is to support others? Are you talking about your employment? What is the difference between helping, supporting and being useful to others? The big book tells us we are now to be useful to others, not helpful (it can hurt both them and us). Being supportive doesn't mean I do their work. What else doesn't it mean?
7. Your self-sacrifice, at the expense of your own health, well, is that useful to you? To others? How so?
Only you can answer these to yourself (and sponsor) or not.
Yes, there are many reasons I've done four 4th steps in 18 months, each with their own intent! I have to keep working on me and this is how I can get more insight into my own motives and behaviors.
You are okay, Jeni! Just stop hurting yourself trying to accomplish the impossible.
With love & hugs,
1. You aren't (your own or anyone's) HP anymore. List the fears that are involved with this and the following statements.
2. Pleasing everyone is impossible; have you taken a look at your real motives behind this? How does it interfere with your self-esteem, personal relationships, ambitions, or security? (yes, 4th step stuff) List your fears. Discuss with sponsor.
3. If you truly can't please all of the people all of the time, are you setting yourself up for failure? How so? Does this help you or hurt you and how? Got any fears?
4. Working hard for others could be helping others, but is it really useful to others? Being helpful and being useful are different. Being helpful can stop others from learning many things on their own. Think about it or talk with your sponsor. What fears are involved here?
5. Are you still trying to control your world, therefore playing HP again? (back to number 1 here).
6. You say your job now is to support others? Are you talking about your employment? What is the difference between helping, supporting and being useful to others? The big book tells us we are now to be useful to others, not helpful (it can hurt both them and us). Being supportive doesn't mean I do their work. What else doesn't it mean?
7. Your self-sacrifice, at the expense of your own health, well, is that useful to you? To others? How so?
Only you can answer these to yourself (and sponsor) or not.
Yes, there are many reasons I've done four 4th steps in 18 months, each with their own intent! I have to keep working on me and this is how I can get more insight into my own motives and behaviors.
You are okay, Jeni! Just stop hurting yourself trying to accomplish the impossible.
With love & hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
Yes, in my opinion, it's one of the worst. Perfectionism drives people away. It brings out my critic.....on you, on myself, on life.
There is NOTHING good enough when I don't rein that in.
I really, really had to learn.......good enuf is actually better than perfect.
There is NOTHING good enough when I don't rein that in.
I really, really had to learn.......good enuf is actually better than perfect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks everyone. You are all right.
Fear figured heavily in my step 4. I do worry endlessly about how I appear to others. I think I have to work twice as hard to achieve the same results as everyone else because I'm not quite as clever. Self-esteem with a bit of who thrown in. While I looked at fear in depth I somehow overlooked the perfectionism part of who I am, but my sponsor won't let up on this.
It will be a hard habit to break. But I'm working on it.
Fear figured heavily in my step 4. I do worry endlessly about how I appear to others. I think I have to work twice as hard to achieve the same results as everyone else because I'm not quite as clever. Self-esteem with a bit of who thrown in. While I looked at fear in depth I somehow overlooked the perfectionism part of who I am, but my sponsor won't let up on this.
It will be a hard habit to break. But I'm working on it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
That one takes contrary action to break. The good news is when you change, you'll really wonder why you EVER lived any other way.
p.s. Learning to take criticism and smile and say, "Thanks for showing me that," is part of the deal.
Pride is the culprit on this one.
p.s. Learning to take criticism and smile and say, "Thanks for showing me that," is part of the deal.
Pride is the culprit on this one.
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