CaiHong

Sugarbear,

Your last post gave me a lot to think about, I am beginning to come to the conclusion that "helping" people is BS. In my drinking days I liked to "help" people. Now that I am sober if I can be of use that's fine but I really shy away from helping people in fact I have become rather indifferent to people. Has anybody else had this experience?

Love
CaiHong

paul99

I wouldn't say that I am indifferent. I would say that I no longer take on what is not mine to take on.

Years and years ago, in the midst of my alcoholism, I was seeing a therapist. Like a good active alcoholic, I lied about my drinking, as I didn't want to delve into it. I was just looking for a good "fix". Nonetheless, during one session, he told me that I was "sensitive". Sensitive??? I was really upset and angry. I took offense and shored up my defenses even more. How dare he say I was sensitive? I was laid back, man. Nothing ever riled me up. But of course I was a disaster inside...shred up over the smallest comment or helpful criticism.

Now, looking back, of course I was sensitive. Still am. That's a hallmark character of ours - we care almost too much. We are sensitive folk! And for me, that manifested in many ways, one of which was to take on other people's stuff - their emotions, their drama, their states. If you were angry, I was angry with you. If you were upset, I would spend all my energy trying to "fix" you. I just wanted everyone to be ok. I was playing the role of "rescuer". At the expense of my own soul and spirit and emotions.

So as I continue doing the work and growing in this program, I have learned that in being true to my self, and to remain on my spiritual path, I do not take on other people's states, nor do I take on their drama. I have empathy for people, I will do what is within me to be of use to them, and I will gladly go out of my way to demonstrate and illustrate what I have done in their situations. But I won't take their stuff on.

And so getting to your point, CaiHong, in not taking on their drama and states, I may come across as a touch indifferent or aloof at times. But I am no use to others if I am lost in someone else's stuff, doing the work for them, or trying to keep them afloat when they really do want to sink.

I am not sure if this is what you were driving at, but your post really sparked me into these thoughts.

CaiHong

Yes Paul
You articulated my thoughts and feeling pretty much how I am experiencing them and clarified them for me.
CaiHong

Jeni26

Paul-your description of how you were exactly matches the way I am now. Exactly!
I am encouraged to see that change has happened for you. I don't want to lose that empathetic side of me, nor do I want people to think I care less for them. There is a balance to be found somewhere between caring for others in a productive way that helps them, showing genuine compassion for their circumstances, and becoming so totally involved in their lives that my own gets sidelined.
All or nothing mentality again!

shaun00

If its like mine......it will always boil down to fear.

A perfectionist rarely is satisfied ...if they achieve a goal, the bar will just get moved up a notch, probably to another unachievable level.
Closely follow by frustration and resentment.

Stinks of running the show, to me lol ...

I still have bouts of it....but see it for what it is much more than i used too.

sugarbear1

it's all a process, jeni!

Jeni26

Was just thinking the perfectionist side of me won't be satisfied until I've solved my issue with perfectionism!!

chickonabike

Jeni - thanks for the great thread, it really hits home for me too. Perfectionism/control and fear are huge in my life right now.

A few years ago I was in a cycling race that I really wanted to win. I wanted to come home to my husband and tell him that I won the race and give him my prize money. But I came in third. OH MY! How devastated I was! I wasn't perfect. I was so upset I threw my bike in my car and drove home in tears. I was afraid that my husband would be disappointed but he was totally stoked for me. It took me about another month to get into another bike race and I haven't ridden my bike recently because I'm afraid I'm not going to be "perfect" or do my part in a ride. This mindset is totally backfiring on me.

I didn't believe in a higher power back then at the race but upon reflection now I think it was trying to teach me a lesson in humility and know that just some things are out of our control. You can't control what another person thinks, nor does it matter how hard you may try. A lot of times you can't control what even YOU think or do. Live and let live.

This might sound funny, but I joke that I'm a perfectionist at learning how not to be a perfectionist.

sugarbear1

why not do a 4-7 step on it???

really sit and think about it and write it all down.....