alaina02

I have been sober for 15 months now. I have gone through the 12 steps i try to practice them in all my affairs. I have received the promises. Including the about "the desire to drink will no longer be there." I had been restored to sanity. The thought of a drink would be quick and it would go away. It was so peaceful. Last 3 days i have thought about a drink way more than i have in the last 15 months. The thought is longer than fleeting and im worried. I have stayed in prayer to keep the mental obsession from returning. I do not want to drink again for am i can acoholic and i know where that takes me!!! help please :/

sugarbear1

go back to steps 3-9 (maybe it's time for another 4th step) with your sponsor......keep working on 10-12.....

my ego likes to rebuild itself

muvinon

Wow, ty for asking. I haven't had that happen....yet, so I can't wait to hear what others did.

You can't spot what's underneath this? Some resentment that is festering?

bbthumper

Where are you with sponsoring? Working with others?

Boleo

Have you tried living steps 10 & 11:

" Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code."
(BB page 84)

It kind of goes along with:

"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life."
(12&12 page 98

paul99

Not much to add to what these cool cats have said. I find that when my mind starts to go pear shaped and I feel "off center", then some thoughts and certain old habits want to re-assert themselves. After a quick pow-wow with my sponsor, I find that I am lacking in one part of my program and not necessarily aware of it. I usually have either been slacking on my 10th step (big one), or not devoting enough time to prayer and meditation, or also, when was the last time I spoke to a newcomer? How are my sponsees doing?

My sponsor asked me out the blue a few months ago "So how are you with resentments?" I realized that I hadn't been really working my 10th step as much as I usually did and not calling him.

What it boils down for me is that I am not being completely honest about something.

alaina02

Thanks everyone great suggestions. The group i attend is small and we rarely have newcommers. I have yet to have a sponsee and I havent even talked to my sponsor about this yet. No resentments. No anger, fear, or dishonesty. I just keep having the thought of 1 drink would be fine and possibly even fun. I am currently working hard with prayer and meditation

neferkamichael

Alaina, 15 months of sobriety/mental obsession? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Until March of this year my sobriety was lived in near squalid poverty conditions. Although I have a hard long hour away from home job it pays a S-load of money, and things are as good as they can be as I type. I'm taking this course so I can move into the safety division of the company I'm working for to have a less physically demanding job that pays more money, and I have to kick myself in the arse everyday to study for it. I feel like I'm drifting away. It is the most irritating thing in the world. You'd think 2 years 4 months sober I'd be good, but my feelings prove just how powerful addiction to chemical substances is. Driving me crazy.

bbthumper

Read the first paragraph of chapter 7. Its vital that we pass this on.
Are there other groups you can attend to find newcomers?

Sapling

Plenty of newcomers here. You got some great suggestions. Keep trudging!

tomsteve

I just keep having the thought of 1 drink would be fine and possibly even fun.
heres my opinion:
if this is yer thinkin, ya gotta start at step one again. this is tellin me yer thinkin is unmanagable and yer thinkin is insane.
call yer sponsor and be honest!

shaun00

Something i ask myself, in ADDITION to the post from Boleo...

Is there something that has become a god in your life, a false god ?...
Some call it a spree or fix.

I call it what it is...a false idol.
If god is everything...and something replaces god.....he becomes nothing all over again..life becomes be-devilled again.

Money and work was mine.....some its sex or food, maybe even a partner.

All these "things" create separation from god, they become god.
Worth a thought ?

awuh1

I find myself wondering what has changed. If the obsession is something new (at least since you have done the steps) then perhaps it is something situational. Are you in some sort of situation that you have not been in before (since being sober)? See if you can isolate it and then apply that part of the program that seems most appropriate. I sometimes still think of a drink when I am coming down with a flu bug or when I am completely at wits end (otherwise known as the f*uckits), because that is what I did consistently in those situations before. I find that these thoughts typically do not come out of nowhere. They typically have a spiritual (prayer or meditation) or physical (rest, food etc) remedy. Isolating the unique aspect of a situation was always helpful for me.

Gottalife

"My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me.
Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge hisspiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."

With me it is just like that too. I received the promises, now it beholds me to pass this message on so others may recover too. To keep it I must give it away.

In the tenth step promises we are told we may be tempted but we will recoil as if from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally... Being tempted therefore, is to be expected, but if we have recovered and are actively working with others, we will be protected.

muvinon

I would say, then, that you are harboring a lurking notion that you are not truly alcoholic or that you don't understand the nature of alcoholism.

Good that you spoke up. I have heard many people who did drink again spot that same thought.

One drink would lead me right into hell. And it's been at least 30 years since I had just one drink.

alaina02

I absolutely do understand alcoholism. An illness of the mind and a physical allergy. I have testified for 15 months now that i HAVE this thing. I had abouy 6 months of sobriety before and decided that one drink wouldnt hurt and went back out for a few months. It didnt take long for the physical craving to start. I KNOW that one drink for me means many more and i couldnt tell ya when i would stop or where i would end up. Thank you everyone for your great advice. I made a meeting last night and im spending my day in the big book. Its insane how the mental obsession can just creep back up. It just makes me that much more aware that i am an alcoholic. If i was not then i wouldnt be struggling with the obsession thanks again.

awuh1

It’s my belief that Dr. Bob worked a good program. Read Doctor Bob's Nightmare again, he states, "Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me". If this was the case for Dr. Bob I would not worry too much about this. Bob stayed sober till he died.

2granddaughters

I think your answer(s) can be found in many of the above posts.
The fact that you have not discussed this with your sponsor troubles me.

I have "gone through my times" in recovery. AA literature talks about the "gray days". If you are working your program then all will be well and "this too shall pass".

Talk to your sponsor and the trusted oldtimers in your group, they'll clue you in.

If you are "on the beam" then stay the course and you'll come out wiser and stronger.

Nothing gets me out of me faster than helping someone else.

Get with your sponsor, ask God for help and get into action.

All the best.

Bob R

TSDD

I immagine staying sober for 15 months and doing all the stuff you have done is the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. Now dozens of people will come out of the woodwork telling you you're doing something wrong or doing staying sober hard enough?!? God, it's like being punched in the stomach just reading this thread.

What I love about AA is that you can stay sober even when you want to drink so bad you want to jump out of your own skin. AA would be worthless to me if it only worked if I were happy, joyous, and free all the time and never want to drink to stay sober.

I discovered a truth about me. I wanted to drink because I was an alcoholic and had years of really great times associated with drinking. It wasn't mysterious, it wasn't that I was staying sober wrong, it's just who I am and I needed more time to heal.

I learned to not confuse success in AA with feeling good, or not wanting to drink. For me success is when my head hits the pillow tonight and I'm sober no matter what. From my experience and observation I'd say obsessing about drinking is pretty normal for an alcoholic. If you don't drink it will pass and eventually will leave you completely.

As far as I'm concerned, if you love booze like I do and haven't drank today you're PERFECT! I'm sure your mom/dad/brother/sister/employer/chief of police/etc. are just thrilled that you're THINKING ABOUT drinking and not doing it.

Tommyh

here is what my sponsor would tell me

go to pages 86-88 and go to the part

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.
Were we resentful,
selfish,
dishonest
or afraid?
Do we owe an apology?
Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once?
Were we kind and loving toward all?
What could we have done better?
Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?
Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?


But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

If I am constantly thinking of what I can pack into the stream of life for others,and leave me out of the picture,I do not have time to think of a drink

If I make this a working part of my waking moments for 2 weeks, then I will be better