ViJay

Howdy y'all.

Looking for advice on living with an AH, my husband.

He has a job and for the most part has kept his drinking confined to his downtime. These days he is blurring the lines; when he is home, he works from the house -- otherwise he travels. To my knowledge when he travels he is not calling on his clients after drinking, but at home now he certainly has been drinking when he talks on the phone with clients, coworkers, bosses and attempts to do his email and web-based duties. I don't know if they have noticed yet, but I would not be surprised. he is nearing retirement age, and I see signs that his boss wants him to move along so a younger guy can bring more energy and passion to the position.

He always has had a habit of drinking too much. When we were dating 20 years ago, we partied a lot, but I thought that was what you do when you're young and tearing it up, and that as you matured you cut back on that, and your life became about other things -- but I guess he didn't get the memo because he wants to drink as hard as we did back then ... and he doesn't understand that it affects him a lot more now than it did then, that he is doing it now at inappropriate times (when no one else is partying), and that he can't be the red-hot lover he was back when he and I were into that whole scene. It's just not possible in a 60-year-old body.

He says that he is drinking a lot now because he is depressed about his poor health, his ED. his boss's hating him, his job's making too many demands, his kids' disappointment in him -- and although he wants to retire, he feels he will have no identity without the job ... so the only time he feels better is when he drinks. I have tried to tell him that he can still repair his relationship with his kids, and he is someone special and important whether he has this job or not ... but he is really sunk in depression, and the drinking makes it worse -- not better.

He really put me through hell with it last week, drinking every morning at a time when we are doing remodeling and workmen were in and out so everything was falling on my shoulders -- plus he was mad at me for not being supportive of him or whatever else was going on in his stupor, so I made up my mind Friday afternoon to go to an Al-Anon meeting, and he had a fit. He is afraid someone will recognize me, and know him, and the cat will be out of the bag. So I didn't go. although I really do need help to cope.

I love him, and I don't want to leave him, and I will echo what I have already read others saying here: when he is sober, there is no one better! He's my soul-mate. But when he's drinking, he drifts away from me, and I feel very alone ...

So what I need are tips for happy living while my husband is drinking himself to death. I should say, I actually am a very happy person and a committed Christ follower. I know Jesus is with me and has certainly carried me through many a dark space, so as far as that goes, I find my own identity and life in Christ. I just need, I guess, practical tips for not getting angry and fighting with a silly-ass drunk. Thoughts?

soberwife2012

if you think a motel or hotel room will keep him from drinking while traveling and on business, i am going to point out he is drinking in front of his life partner, the person he took a vow in front of god. please realize more people are going to start asking questions. are YOU going to lie for him? are YOU going to make excuses for him when the boss calls? are YOU going make his life as uncomfortable as he is make yours?

please realize depression and excuses for a drink go hand in hand! the drinking will get worse. . he will have every excuse for you not to get better but that is when you need to go to every meeting you can. go to the meetings so you can learn to live with the angry and lack of support you are going to feel. stay true to yourself

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. You will find support and information here. We understand.

I hope you will join Alanon meetings. Your husband is manipulating you to do what he wants and his motive: protect his addiction.
I assure you (because he won't be convinced) that meetings are anonymous. I worked a highly public position in my community. I was seen in the public frequently. I needed help! I went to Alanon meetings without asking my permission from my alcoholic husband.

Alanon is for me.

We don't try to fix our alcoholic at Alanon. We try to find tools to help us live life with more serenity and less drama.

Here is a link to an SR post that contains steps for helping with addiction. I followed all these steps, and they helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

ZiggyB

I think there are Al-anon meetings you can do over the web, perhaps you can check into them? I still think you should go to the public meetings if you think they would be helpful. He is putting you through hell and now he wants to cut off you getting help, it doesn't seem right. Does he care about your happiness at all?

I agree that alcohol is making your husband's depression worse, I went through the same thing with my ex-bf and it just gets so tiresome, especially when they are in a bad mood all the time and lash out at you because you happen to be there. It would be great if you could get him to go to a DR. if he is depressed but that probably won't happen...

Al-anon has written some excellent books and "Codependency No More" was a great read if you don't have it. I guess the thing to remember is to try and lead as much of a fulfilling life you can on your own and detach from what he is doing. Would therapy be helpful or talk to your local priest, etc. ?

Sueski

ViJay, I'm sorry for the reasons you are here. This is a great place to find support and understanding.

I don't have any advice about how to handle his objection to you attending meetings. I have gone to one, in the middle of the day (left work for a couple of hours), and no more - simply because I don't want to deal with telling my AH. (denial? avoidance??umm, YEAH) It's one thing to understand that Alanon is for us, not them. It's a different thing to put it into practice. That said, I do think it is of benefit to go to meetings. In some respects, it's not even his business you are going. It's you taking care of you, nothing to do with him.

Are you in a position to try individual counseling? I've found that hugely helpful. Read as much as you can. Check out the sticky posts at the top of the pages here - there are some gems. You might particularly like the one about 'quacking.'
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

Take care. This ain't easy.

redatlanta

I have never told my AH I go to al anon. I don't think someone who is active would support that decision. It has been easy for me I get up early he sleeps really late. 730 am meeting. I hope you go it will help you espcially with .......the anger.

Here is what has helped me with the anger. Understanding the disease. I really didn't - before. Lowering my expectations - probably has helped more than anything. Non confrontational - I do not ask if he is drinking, why? Why should I ? to be told no? I already know anyway. I don't get into arguments with him. I always stay calm, he doesn't really pick them though as he is a sneak drinker and tries really hard to look/act normal. If he appears to have had too much I stay out of his way. If he makes comments that would rocket launch me into an argument i simply ignore them, such as telling someone about his 10 years of sobriety recently when he hasn't been sober for at least 3 - 5 months. When I feel the anger well up I switch to thinking about something that makes me happy, something I am going to do for myself.

hope this helps, sorry this is happening in your life too!

BoxinRotz

ViJay, I could have written your post, down to not wanting a divorce. I love my husband very much! I want to be here for him and be a part of his sobriety, even though I know I can not give it to him or make him do it. I love him even though he drives me nuts at times.

Last night, I left to go to my brother's with our dogs. I just couldn't sit here and watch him for the 5th night, drink himself into a stupor. He is having this full blown love affair with vodka and yes, it pisses me off because he has not spent his off days with me, HIS WIFE! It's just us and right now, it's just me. Me and the dogs.

I have called 1-888-4ALANON yesterday. I saw a commercial on tv for it one night and it sat me straight up. I called and found a meeting in my town on Tuesday and he doesn't want me to go. I am going because I need to learn how to cope with this. It's hard on so many levels.

I feel for you and I completely understand where you are in your life at this very moment. Go to AlAnon. I am going and I hope I will come out of it more educated on this disease and ways to accept it and deal with it.

wellnowwhat

A lot of your post I could have written.

My AH was alarmed at my attending Alanon. Part of his discomfort was that he thought we sat around telling drunken horror stories about the alcoholic in our lives. I took the time to describe what a meeting was like, how it was to help ourselves and that discussing the alcoholic was actually discouraged. This helped relieve some of his anxiety. You could even go farther and remind him that the other people at the meeting don't necessarily know if you are there because of a sibling, a child, or growing up in an alcoholic home etc.

The people attending Alanon are bound by anonymity, unlike the contractors renovating your home when he is drinking, or the people he calls while working while under the influence.

In the program it is stated that while your alcoholic has no recovery program of their own, you are not required to "keep his secret" and that to do so can prolong their time in their disease. It sounds like you are or soon will be at the stage when people you know will start asking questions and making comments. Time to give some thought to how you may handle this situation.

For living with an active AH and maintaining some serenity, it is important to me to focus on myself and on my peace of mind, not on what the alcoholic is doing or saying or how much they are drinking or lying about drinking. (My AH is not verbally or physically abusive.) When you stop focusing on the alcoholic and stop awfulizing the future, it leaves a lot of room open for healthier habits.

A few concrete techniques / tips I like:

I've heard it said he is not drinking "AT" you, he's just drinking. This helped me lose a lot of anger. I was taking it personally.

Another saying: "not my monkey, not my circus" and this helps me to see what is mine to own and what I need to leave alone and let play out.

"You may be right" another wonderful tool to avoid an argument, while not giving in to something you disagree with.

Having said all this, if your AH is drinking in the mornings, it is pretty serious and I encourage you to read as much as you can about alcoholism and it's physical effects so you know what is going on, have realistic expectations of what may lie ahead and so you can deal with this knowledge on your timetable and not when some crisis happens.

Good luck to you.

SadHeart

So he's aware that alcoholics produce drunken horror stories that can be shared with others. That there are stories that can be told about him. He's aware he's a nightmare to live with. And yet, he won't stop drinking.

There's so much hypocrisy here: I know I do it, but I don't want anyone talking about it.

Sueski

Thank you, Wellnowwhat! I really like both of these, and I think they may become a regular part of my life.

wellnowwhat

Wish I could take credit, but I am only repeating tools I found resonated with me and helped move me forward.....the beauty of SR and Alanon!