StillMySon

I just found out that my son, 19, is addicted to Meth. I cannot believe how stupid I have been to miss the signs. Looking back now it all makes sense

I found out about the Meth two days ago. I have been pouring over the Internet, learning as much as I can, ever since. I've found this forum to be invaulable and, as much as I don't want to be here, I am so grateful to have found this place.

Here's a very brief history: My son graduated high school this year. For the 2nd half of the school year he had a job and girlfriend he loved and was doing better than he EVER had done in school. I was thrilled! Finally, my boy had come into his own! I know now that this was from the meth

He totalled his car shortly before graduation (no meth involved that I know of) and since we live too far for him to work anywhere it was decided that he and his older brother would get an apartment together. I would help him save his paycheck to eventually buy another car. Well, once he got out of my house, things went from bad to worse. I still saw him frequently and never suspected anything. Sure, he'd lost weight, but he wasn't eating my cooking anymore His brother (totally clean) was losing weight too, so it didn't register on my radar. He couldn't really keep a job, but I figured it was just bad luck/timing/etc.. Looking back I don't know how I missed it but I did.

At one point I heard a rumor and confronted him and he launched into a lecture about how addictive and dangerous meth was and how he would NEVER be so stupid as to even attempt that drug since he knew it could be addicting after just one hit. Little did I know, when he was giving me that lecture, he'd already been using it for months

Fast forward to 2 nights ago. My older son told me he was continuing to have kids over to the apt (not allowed) and that sometimes they were even there when my son was gone. I put my foot down and sent him an email telling him that he was not to have anyone in the apt and that he had a week to get a job or he was out. He left that night and sent me a text message saying that "now I knew that he was a druggie and he was on the streets and hoped I was happy". Stupid me STILL assumed he was just maybe dabbling in pot.. I couldn't figure out how he could afford drugs since he couldn't even afford to eat!

My mom called him later that night just to talk to him and he confessed everything to her. The worst part is he THOUGHT I KNEW!!! I was devastated.. not only to find out but to think that he thought I knew and didn't care. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

I texted him last night and asked if he would meet me just to talk. I picked him up and was shocked at how bad he looks. I had just seen him a few days before but he wore layered clothing that disguised his true weight loss. Now he looks like a skeleton.

We drove around and talked and I bought him a pizza. He hadn't eaten in days and was starving. He was open and sincere and answered every question I asked. I tried to be strong but I cried and he did too.. I told him that I had read enough to know that HE had to be the one ready to stop. He said he wanted to quit but that he didn't know if he could give it up. I told him that I knew it could be done and that I would support him in any effort he made to stop but that I would not enable him with food or money or a place to live. He said he understood.

I asked him to use a trick that my pastor mentioned one time and "play the movie" of both of his choices. Take a look at how the movie of his life woudl be going down this path vs. stopping the meth. That seemed to get to him.

I asked him if he would be willing to go back to the apartment and at least try to stop. He said he would try but could I please buy him some weed to help him through it? I refused but did agree to get him a pack of cigarettes. I would prefer to have him here at my house so I could keep an eye on him but I have three very young children. My older son is keeping an eye on him and staying in touch with me. He knows he is to call me immediately if there is a problem.

Sorry this was so long winded but what I need to know is what to do now? What can I expect??

I know from all that I"ve read that I need to get him AWAY from this area.. his network of buddies is too wide and deep to be avoided. We have friends and family in other areas of the country so I could look for a program elsewhere.

In the meantime, what can I do to make this gentle as possible? I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow to stock up on groceries, he needs to put on some weight.. Is there ANYTHING I can do to make this easier on him? I'm open to any ideas and suggestions. I just love him so much. Seeing him like this is about to kill me.

Thank you for listening.

allforcnm

Your son is very lucky to have such a caring and devoted mother. I dont have experience in dealing with someone so young, as the reason Im here is my husband who used opiates.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot of research in these last few days, and you are aware of enabling, etc. I would suggest it might be helpful to talk with a professional who deals with addiction, a therapist of some type. I worked with one, and it has been very helpful to me.

I also know there is a special forum for meth use and it offers support to family also. Kci.org It might be helpful to you.

One bit of advice I can give is to pace yourself; this might be the turning point for him, but once a drug has hold it is hard to shake it loose, even when the will is there. It may take several attempts. I also think you are right, he has to be willing to change his life and remove himself from all his using friends; start fresh so to speak. But he has to want it, or he will find new using friends regardless of where he relocates to. ( My husband had to do this also ).

There is a large group of moms on this forum, and Im sure they will be along soon to offer you support and encouragement.

As for what you can do, I think let him know you love him, stay strong but maintain compassion, learn as much as you can, consider treatment options that might be available to him - rehab, outpatient, private counseling, AA, SMART recovery, etc. There are a lot of things available.

Sending a prayer for you, son, and family. I hope he makes the most of this chance RIGHT NOW before it gets any worse.

cangel2

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this! I will say though that your story reminds me of what I went through with my son a bit so I understand.

If you can find a therapist for him who specializes in addiction and in some way work with him/her to help your son into a recovery program that would be a great start. He does need to make this decision for himself but if he is truly interested in making a change he will be grateful if you set him up with some initial resources. I offered this to my son....then had to make it mandatory for continued financial support. Worked in my case so far......and I feel very grateful that it did for the moment. His therapist though is a lifeline for him! I happily write her a check every month and NEVER ask any questions.....she helped me get my son into rehab and has supported him for almost a year now that he has been out and in recovery.

Most importantly you need to work on getting some support for yourself. It is a difficult road for a Mom (or Dad) and you will need the support of a therapist and/or Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Friends and family are great too.....it is a good time to circle the wagons for yourself.

Hugs from another Mom.....hang in there!

crazybabie

Hugs from one mother to another, First be easy on yourself for not knowing your not a mind reader and as moms we find reasonable reasons for most things especially when we have never been through addiction.

I have 2 addicted sons and an addicted husband I think that if HE will agree to a program that will be great but HE has to want it.


I am gonna be honest here about a comment you made not to be rude but reality...
In the meantime, what can I do to make this gentle as possible? I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow to stock up on groceries, he needs to put on some weight.. Is there ANYTHING I can do to make this easier on him? I'm open to any ideas and suggestions. I just love him so much. Seeing him like this is about to kill me.


You don't want to make it easy on him addicts have no reason to stop when we cushion them and enable them. I know as a mother you feel you should but we can love our kids to death.

You can make it easier on you by attending some kind of program start working the program you wish he was, Al-anon, Nar-anon, Families Anonymous.

I say this with love I really do understand how you feel hang in there we will walk with you.

StillMySon

Thank you all so much for the replies. It is so helpful to know that I am not alone.

crazybabie, I appreciate your sincerity but I'm confused. I told my son that I would not support his behavior in any way, but would support his efforts to stop. Should I not try to do everything I can to help make the withdrawal process easier? I want this part of his life to be as appealing as possible to show a contrast to the way he was living. Is that wrong? Is there a better approach? I just have no idea what I am doing and I am terrified of doing something "wrong"

I have read enough to know that this is his devil but if he's trying to fight it, I want to be there for him.

kmangel

It is not going to be easy for your son. His withdrawal IMO would be best done away from home. When my son was in rehab he would call and complain to me. He wanted something to take the edge off. There is no way past the pain but through it. I called his counselor and he assured me he would be fine.

Be careful what you do during this time period. You will need support for yourself to know you are doing the right thing. The counselor was a big help to me. Otherwise you might buy in to your son's lies and continue to enable him.

Our son came home after rehab and the lies hadn't magically disappeared. It is not that he wasn't sincere about leaving his addiction behind. He was, but he had been an addict and an addict's way of thinking was not replaced in rehab. That took time. In fact the one thing most that helped my son was moving out of my home. While living at home we had a dependent/parent relationship. He now is doing much better.

tjp613

So he's got his apartment back, with a loaded refrigerator, all because he said he "would try to stop". Oh, my dear, it's probably going to take a LOT more pain than a lecture from his mother and a couple of nights on the street to motivate him. He will relapse within 2 days if not sooner. Use this time to get educated quick and come up with your plan. He's learning too....he's learning what manipulations work and which ones don't. So far he's learned that all he has to do is hide his use from his brother and make promises to you about quitting. Ok, so that will buy him a month or so. What's next?

I've been on this roller coaster for 3 years. In the last 8 months since my son lost his apartment, he's been homeless, in jail, in and out of detox and rehab SIX times....and he's still struggling big time. It's absolute madness. Save yourself and save your younger children. Get you some humongously strong boundaries now.

Remember: Their words are meaningless. Actions are everything.

StillMySon

I hear you. I really do. I know your words are coming from the right place. But my post asked "What Else Can I Do"? He said he wanted to stop. Was I supposed to tell him I didn't believe him? Drive him back to his buddies house? Was I not supposed to support him? I'm not asking this rhetorically,, I want to know!!!

Do I think this is it? Of course not. I'm new to this but I'm not stupid enough to think that I will be this lucky. I came here asking for specific advice from those who have BTDT. I have never felt more helpless in my life.

catlovermi

Hugs to you, StillMySon. And yes, he IS Still Your Son, the baby you carried, had hopes and dreams for.

Addiction is such a harsh, and counter-intuitive thing. Addiction responds to pain and desperation, and very little to support. Addiction has to feel the pain, the desperation, and come to a place of total fear, before it will even think of giving up its grip. Any interference with this prolongs it. It's so hard to understand this, so counter-intuitive. We have to let them feel ALL the consequences, ALL the pain of their decisions. We have to let THEM come to the actions, the HARD WORK of quitting. The more we let them want it, and do it, the better chance they have.

He is 19, not a little kid. He is old enough to seek and find his own solutions; he was old enough to decide to get into drugs. This is not blame throwing, this is responsibility allotment. He must feel the full consequences of his decisions, his behavior, his using, even as he digs out (if he does) of his addiction hole.

You do not need to do anything but tell him you love him, and always will. He is able to do the work, the problem solving, the solution hunting,

if HE wants it, badly enough.

Believe it or not, the best thing you can "do" is leave it all up to him, to solve. That way, he has total ownership in it.

Sending support in your pain and frustration, and fear,

CLMI

HopefulmomtoD

It is going to be very hard for him to quit without some kind of outside support. I would suggest some kind of rehab and/or NA (Narcotics Anonymous) or AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Is he still on your insurance?

For you, keep reading here and consider going to AlAnon or NarAnon.

My 22 RAS wanted to quit drinking and even tried many times on his own. He's now got quite a few months sober- but it took a 30day rehab and extended sober living support. I know some quit on their own- but in my experience more support is needed.

sojourner

StillMySon: Another mom of a 27 YO AS here. Regarding you question of what to do when he calls you telling about some dilemma (hunger, homeless, etc..): Here is what I do. I say to my son (or some variation thereof), "Son, I love you dearly. This you know. Your root problem is not hunger or lack of home or lack of money. Your root problem is drugs and/or alcohol. As long as you continue to use drugs/alcohol, you will find yourself living in poverty. If I give you food today, you will find yourself without food tomorrow. So I will not give you food, but I will support you in any way I can should you decide to get help for your drug/alcohol problem." And sometimes I offer him the phone number of a place to call to get that help. And then I stop talking and let him either change the subject or be silent. But if he continues with the request for food, money, etc., I just repeat the above back to him.

He does not like hearing that. If I offer him a piece of paper with a phone number, he usually does not even touch it.

And after an exchange like that, I pray, pray, pray.

Hope that helps. If not, take what you need and leave the rest. Keep coming back!

crazybabie

Buying the food for him Do you pay any of his rent? I know as a mom how hard it is I really do I took one of my AS to a local shelter one year on Mothers Day. The more we enable the less reason they have to quit.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Still my son, I am another Mom of a 22 year old who is now in jail due to stealing from us, breaking into our home and all in all terrorizing my sanity for the last 3 years. I too tried to be "easy" on my Son, more times than I care to count. Caterlovermi said it perfectly:
Addiction is such a harsh, and counter-intuitive thing. Addiction responds to pain and desperation, and very little to support. Addiction has to feel the pain, the desperation, and come to a place of total fear, before it will even think of giving up its grip. Any interference with this prolongs it. It's so hard to understand this, so counter-intuitive. We have to let them feel ALL the consequences, ALL the pain of their decisions. We have to let THEM come to the actions, the HARD WORK of quitting. The more we let them want it, and do it, the better chance they have.

I also understand how you feel that by not helping you will lose him. I found out the hard way, he was lost to me anyway and took severe advantage of what I did to stop him from finding bottom. He told me the other day when I visited him in jail that living with both me, my mom and then on his own in sober living, he never felt pressured to get clean because everything was handed to him. I also realize that I did not treat him like an adult, I was still "babying" him and giving him rent, food and bus money. He found a way to convert these into drugs, and now is in jail with numerous health issues.

Your son kept his drug usage from you for a long time, and you so badly want to believe that he will quit. It might be a good time to step back and get him to a rehab where experts can help him and counseling. At 19 he thinks he is indestructable.

GardenMama

I am also a mother of a newly recovering 19 year old heroin addicted daughter. You are not alone in any of this! Please read my posts, first one in July, I think, and know that I too felt such shock/shame/horror when I learned my daughter had been using for two years and managed to make As, start college, etc. Then all hell broke loose...

Anyway, I just want to chime in and say that the advice here about letting him do it on his own (but with some guiding--I am the one who found the rehab with the bed, the sober house contact, etc.), but it truly has to come from him and the easier we make the fall, the less likely they are going to fully commit to sobriety. Rehabs also help the addict with post-rehab plans, and letting go of controlling that on your part, will help him to help himself.

Here's what's helped me lately:

1. READ as much as you can handle and then stop for a bit. You might want to read Beautiful Boy first and if you are up for it after that, the son's own story, Tweak. I am also reading Broken (William Cope Moyers) and it is really powerful, too. Any of Melodie Beattie's books are a godsend, and many find The Language of Letting Go extremely helpful.

2. Find a NarAnon group, even if you have to drive a long way; it is such a huge help to see other people, to work the 12 steps, to make eye contact and get hugs of sympathy & support. Al Anon is also fine, but NarAnon is full of parents of meth,coke,heroin-addicted children. There are other issues at play with these drugs and that has been helpful for me.

3. Work your own recovery with the same kind of attention you hope he will work his--I am only 4 months in, but it has really made a difference in my life in every aspect, not just that related to my daughter.

I am walking this path with you, StillMySon, just a few paces ahead. Be gentle with yourself and love him as you always have, just back off a bit. If he knows you love him, he knows it deeply, no matter what he chooses. Someone here told me that I needed to allow my daughter the dignity to live her own life. Hard as that has been, I am seeing great improvements. She's emotionally distant from me, but still close to her sister, and that is all the lifeline I need right now. Hang in there. PM me if you like. We are all here for you!

Talltrees

Stillmyson, thank you for your story. And I am so sorry you have been presented with this painful and complicated situation, but I know there is lots of support to be found here. And I will echo what others have said--Right now, the most important thing is help and support for YOU. Ultimately you cannot fix this for your son, but you can be there for your him at times when it facilitates him getting clean. There are many addicts in my family. My older brother is a heroin addict and was recently sentenced to 30 months in federal prison. My younger brother is still on his way to rock bottom with alcoholism. My mom and stepdad are alcoholics, and my biological dad is an addict of many sorts. I am lucky because I do not live with any of the addicts in my life, so maybe I can't completely relate, but I will say this: The most painful part for me was thinking there was something I could do. Long phone calls, convincing words, whatever. Yet every time I came home to visit, things were always much worse than before, and none of the addicts (or enablers for that matter) seemed to realize it. Now I don't go anymore, and I don't answer my phone if I know the conversation will probably leave me frustrated and sad and angry. It has taken me a long time to learn to focus on ME and to put my children and husband first, in ways I didn't know that I wasn't.

He is still your son, and you will never stop loving him. And your love cannot hurt him if you continue the journey you've started--learning as much as you can about what is happening, and being careful and decisive about your boundaries when it comes to this terrible disease. And it is a disease! It is something that happened, and there is no control here. People here sometimes remind me of the three C's, and they have helped me: You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

I also want to say I LOVE your "play the movie" of both choices. It made me think that would be a great thing for me to try sometimes.

Love and hugs to you!

Talltrees

And a bit of more concrete advice I wanted to include: Never absorb the consequences that his addiction brings for him. They are the most powerful experience he can utilize in getting clean.

tjp613

I'm sorry, StillMySon... my post came out the wrong way. I was posting from my telephone and too quickly to give a thoughtful response. My answer was the shorthand version and I apologize. I should have refrained from posting at all if I couldn't answer your question properly.

(((Hugs)))

hello-kitty

That's good advice. In recovery (from both drugs and codependency) we often are reminded to "play the tape all the way through"... it didn't help me that much at first, but it was some sort of a tool - better than nothing. When I remembered to do it - I had a chance to slow down and change my behavior.

But I found recovery was much more than that. It came from a REALLY strong desire inside to be totally and completely done with drugs. And then I had to seek outside support - from recovering addicts who had what I wanted it. It wasn't something my parents or my family could help me with. I had to do the leg work all on my own in order to learn from the process and make changes in my behavior. Having someone make it easy on me would have taken my chance to learn, my chance to save my life.

When you work for something, like sobriety, it means a whole heck of a lot more to you, then when someone tries to give it to you or make it easy on you.

Coming from an addicts perspective, and a codependents perspective, what can help is when everyone involved focuses on their own recovery. I focus on mine. And my loved ones focus on theirs. They attend meetings like al-anon. They read books like codependent no more. They stop enabling addiction. They set boundaries and they enforce them. They love me, but they do it from a place where their lives are not destroyed - that could mean no contact if it gets that far.

Families move into recovery together by working their personal recoveries separately.

That's really the only way to help an addict. Help yourself. Give the addict the dignity and the chance to make the changes all on their own and the opportunity to experience the HARD consequences of addiction. That's the only way we learn.

MrsDragon

Still,
Try not to look back with regret over not knowing what was going on sooner; it actually sounds like you are addressing this at a fairly early point based on your post. And unless you have knowledge of substance abuse in your family, most of us do not suspect this initially.

Yes, the idea is to make not using a much more attractive option than using. Likewise they do need to understand the consequences of their actions of using drugs, or leading the party type lifestyle. It sounds to me like you already understand the concept of enabling, and your son is already learning the consequences of his actions. ( he wrecked his car even if unrelated to the drugs, now he has no car), (he behaves improperly at the apartment by using drugs, and having parties; so he will not be allowed to stay there).

But it is a fine line, if you read here enough you will see many who are homeless, with no family contact, have been in and out of jail, criminal records that will follow them for life, and are now strapped with vicious diseases such as hepatitis, or HIV often obtained while living on the streets. The danger is that this becomes an acceptable way of life while not evoking positive change. We cannot know what will truly evoke change; sadly for some nothing ever does.

When they seek help, show interest in changing their ways, then I think as parents we have a duty to assist them, guide them, offer options for a solution. Regardless of what we do to make it easier, there is no way we can take away all of the effort that is required on their part.

I do not know the specifics of meth addiction or withdrawal. I would suggest getting medical help initially for a full physical, and then support through the withdrawal process. My sons snorts cocaine. I will use this drug as an example; it does not have a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms but it has a big emotional/mental withdrawal as the drug affects the levels of dopamine in the brain. Often, symptoms can be eased with the help of medical guidance and the use of anti-depressants. That is just one example. Next, I would suggest some private counseling if at all possible, where he can work with a doctor on a very close individual basis. (much like what cangel2 described in her post). He will need support to make changes in his life, to understand why he was using, to work on the root cause of his addiction. My son for example, started using coke after his toddler died. Often drug use is linked to some type of trauma, abuse, neglect etc. (Although in your sons case his use may have begun as experimentation while he had his 1st taste of freedom and he simply got in with the wrong crowd initially and went downhill from there).

My husband and I also found a therapist to help us get a better understanding of drug use, behaviors of our son, enabling, etc. It has also been very helpful to keep us on the same page & avoid conflict between the two of us.

You are asking all the right questions; but some of this is trial and error based on the individual situation. If there was a simple or exact way of getting there, then we would all be in agreement. So as someone said earlier, when you read here; take what you can use & leave the rest behind.

StillMySon

Hi Everyone:

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read and reread each of them and I am sure I will be referring back to them as I go along. Your words are like water in a desert to me right now. tjp, please do not apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I read the "Post to Newcomers" so I totally get that you are trying to school me from a perspective that I cannot comprehend.

I realized that I wasn't very clear in my first post that I am not trying to do this alone just by leaving him in the apartment with his brother. I have found him a Detox facility that is several hours away. I am taking him there Monday so I just have to pray we make it through the weekend. After that I am looking into a longer term facility.

I am painfully aware that this may all be for naught. I was very clear to him that I am willing to help him with this but that if he doesn't follow through he is on his own

Some of your words have really resonated with me and of course I am questioning my every move.