What else can I do?

Old 11-02-2012, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by crazybabie View Post
Buying the food for him Do you pay any of his rent? I know as a mom how hard it is I really do I took one of my AS to a local shelter one year on Mothers Day. The more we enable the less reason they have to quit.

Yes but it wasn't supposed to be that way. He just never paid his portion. I had given him a deadline to be "on his own" when the lease was up and to help him save for a car in the meantime. Little did I know I was totally enabling his habit by doing this. UGH the guilt
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:42 PM
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Don't feel guilty. You were being loving to your son. It's just that addiction is counter intuitive to everything that we understand as mothers.

I have never really heard of a true "detox" facility for meth. Meth is more of a physiological and pyschological addiction than a true physical addiction. You may exhausted and have a aches and pains but the real problem is longterm anxiety, depression, craving and disturbed sleep. There's not much that can be done for that as it's a long term effect of destroying your dopamine production abilities. You just have to get through it. It sucks. It takes time. Anti depressants might help. And face to face support. That's probably the KEY ingredient of recovery. It takes support from other addicts or counseling or god or church or whatever works.

Hopefully the detox has a follow up program because otherwise... well like I said, if he can stay clean because of it, I'm so happy for him. But mostly, try to work on you. Because no matter how much money you spend, no matter how supportive or unsupportive you are - NOTHING you do can cure his drug addiction or get him to stop using if he doesn't really really want to.

Prepare yourself and educate yourself on addiction, codependency, boundaries, recovery... read all you can on here. Ask questions. Find a support group. Alanon. Naranon. Codependent No More.

Whatever it takes.

Good luck to you.
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:32 PM
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Just wanted to update..

The original place I was going to take him on Monday isn't going to work out. Instead I am sending him to my mom's house, which is in another state. He is ready to go and I know he will be safe there. My son is very close to my mom and stepdad and is looking forward to seeing them. His dad lives nearby too, so this could be a good thing.

I am still working on getting him into a long term program but right now I need to get him out of town ASAP.

I found a great PDF link about the stages of Meth withdrawal but my post count isn't high enough to share it

Thank you again for all of the support.
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:06 PM
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Best of luck Stillmyson. Please keep posting, we care.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:14 PM
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I think your son is very lucky to have such a strong family support system. It is great that you were able to find information on the stages of withdrawal; your son needs to understand what he is up against so he can prepare mentally; and those around him need to be aware also. I know a lot of people have shared with you here about the multiple failed attempts they have experienced; but it doesn’t always work out that way. My husband made his first attempt to end opiates and benzos (Xanax) and got so sick that he did pick back up, but we (myself and my parents) immediately helped get him into treatment & he has been clean now for 7+ months. If there is a will, then there is a way. I will be keeping your family in my prayers.
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Old 11-03-2012, 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by StillMySon View Post
Yes but it wasn't supposed to be that way. He just never paid his portion. I had given him a deadline to be "on his own" when the lease was up and to help him save for a car in the meantime. Little did I know I was totally enabling his habit by doing this. UGH the guilt

You have no reason to feel guilty, why feel guilty for what you didn't know? When we know better we can do better and honestly sometimes even then we make the wrong choice at least I do we are human.

I do hope you can get him in a place soon. I will be praying for your family.
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Old 11-03-2012, 02:14 AM
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Tell your mother to hide her valuables (just in case). He needs an addiction specialist in the area, pronto. Your mother should also find support.

It is so sad what you are going through. My sister is 28 and an addict for nearly 14 years now. If only my parents had been as engaged when it started as you are!

Because it's my sibling who is the addict, I want to gently remind you not to forget about your other children. They need help to get through this as well. If your kids are young, they shouldn't be around your addict son without supervision. My brother and I were sort of forgotten after my sister started to get bad. And she used to beat us up and steal from us, our parents did nothing. Our safety took a backseat to "curing" my sister.

Good luck to you!
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Old 11-03-2012, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by farfaraway View Post
Tell your mother to hide her valuables (just in case). He needs an addiction specialist in the area, pronto. Your mother should also find support.

It is so sad what you are going through. My sister is 28 and an addict for nearly 14 years now. If only my parents had been as engaged when it started as you are!

Because it's my sibling who is the addict, I want to gently remind you not to forget about your other children. They need help to get through this as well. If your kids are young, they shouldn't be around your addict son without supervision. My brother and I were sort of forgotten after my sister started to get bad. And she used to beat us up and steal from us, our parents did nothing. Our safety took a backseat to "curing" my sister.

Good luck to you!
Thank you for this information.. These stories of how addiction wreaks havoc on everyone are just heart breaking. I am trying hard to find balance with my other kids. They love their older brother SO much... When I was talking to AS the other day he started crying when I brought up his younger siblings. He was always such a loving brother. My son is still in there somewhere, I know he is..
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Old 11-03-2012, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by crazybabie View Post
You have no reason to feel guilty, why feel guilty for what you didn't know? When we know better we can do better and honestly sometimes even then we make the wrong choice at least I do we are human.

I do hope you can get him in a place soon. I will be praying for your family.

Thank you for this.. I know my guilt is something *I* need to work on for me. BTW.. I love the quote you have in your signature!!!
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:50 AM
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Dear Stillmyson, I know that us Mom's all have given some pretty straight feedback about relapses and how addiction warps our children's thoughts, feelings and actions. I also have rescued many times hoping that this was the LAST time and that my son would return to me. My advice is this. Let both your Mom and Step Dad and your sons Father know what is going on and educate them to the signs. With meth use, you will see very enlarged pupils, extreme energy followed by lethargy (when they are coming down) and lack of appetite. If your son relapses, he will resort to taking things and pawning them for money. Please make sure you keep close watch on your valuables (and your family's) and also see if your son is willing to start attending meetings at his new location.
I wish you the very very best and I hope your son is ready to quit and not return to the lifestyle and despair of addiction.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:00 PM
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i feel so sorry for you. i have been down that road with my own son at age21(he is now 42) & now with my grandson age 20. i let my son put me thru hell & i told my g-son i would not walk that road with him. i see where u want to buy him groceries. i have seen my son take gro back to the store. nothing stops an addict from getting his drug. the addict has to really be ready to stop. hard as it is let him walk this road by himself. my son is doing a 7yr sentence in prison due to drugs. he has been in & out since age 21. that is when i found out he was using. i paid high$$$$'s to keep him out of jail,with lawyers,bonds & all the other bills i paid for him, his wife & daughter. he says today if i had not done all of that he would have gotten cleaner quicker. it is hard for me to see my g-son on the streets, homeless but if he chooses drugs that is the way it is. my prayers are going up for u & your precious son. i know u love him but you have got to be strong. get into a face to face program. prayers,
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by hope213 View Post
i feel so sorry for you. i have been down that road with my own son at age21(he is now 42) & now with my grandson age 20. i let my son put me thru hell & i told my g-son i would not walk that road with him. i see where u want to buy him groceries. i have seen my son take gro back to the store. nothing stops an addict from getting his drug. the addict has to really be ready to stop. hard as it is let him walk this road by himself. my son is doing a 7yr sentence in prison due to drugs. he has been in & out since age 21. that is when i found out he was using. i paid high$$$$'s to keep him out of jail,with lawyers,bonds & all the other bills i paid for him, his wife & daughter. he says today if i had not done all of that he would have gotten cleaner quicker. it is hard for me to see my g-son on the streets, homeless but if he chooses drugs that is the way it is. my prayers are going up for u & your precious son. i know u love him but you have got to be strong. get into a face to face program. prayers,
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine seeing your grandson now going down such a brutal path. (((((Hugs)))))))

I wanted to give everyone another update. I took my son to the doctor today for the b/w needed to get him into the program I found for him. We spent the day together and I really felt like I had my boy back. He was his old self in such a way that I hadn't even realized was missing. Until today, I hadn't realized how much he'd changed. He's been VERY tired and eating a lot but I've kept him holed up in the apartment and now he's home here with me. He's sleeping now and tomorrow morning I will put him on a plane. My mom will meet him at the airport and take him home with her. She lives in a pretty isolated area so I think he will be safe until he checks into his program (hopefully by the end of next week).

I found out tonight that my little brother did Meth for 10 months back in his 20's. He called and talked to me about it and will call and share his story with my son. I had NO idea he'd ever done it! He said he was able to quit cold turkey by just changing his environment and not hanging around the same people (I do believe my son is(was!) a heavier user than my brother was.

I'm cautiously optimistic that we have broken the cycle but I am painfully aware that this is a lifelong haul for him. At least I feel like we are moving in the right direction, for now.
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:08 PM
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You will be able to get some much needed support here ...I have little to offer in the way of advice as my own son continues to spiral out of control ..I have had to cut my self off from him completely in a desperate attempt for him to hit rock bottom...on the other hand my boyfriend who is 43 has been clean 11 years from Meth for him it was a 90 jail stay that saved him...he never used again ..he insist I am doing the right thing ...I will be thinking of you I a sure as you already know Meth can cause some severe mood swings to say the least please take care of yourself ...
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:09 PM
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I am glad that things are calm and there is a plan in place that you feel comfortable with for the moment. That said I found in my experience with my son that the very best place for him was in the hands of professionals who had "seen it all before" and knew how to approach early recovery.

The thought of even trying to guide my son through that or make decisions about what would be best for him was too overwhelming for me. I just knew at some level that I did not have the expertise to help him in the way he needed.....and I loved him enough to tell him that. If you feel a rehab/program is going to be best for him please do not let go of that idea and keep moving in that direction. Sometimes in our lives peoples who are informed and experienced can give us more than those who love us.

My son is almost 1 year sober from Meth. He did a 30 day rehab, once (or twice) a week with an addiction therapist, has a sponsor and many many meetings. I seem glimmers of "my son"....but I need to tell you I still don't have him back. Recovery is very hard work....and for me all I want to see is for him to show for recovery......I will wait for anything more for when he has it to give. I am just saying hang on to the hope and glimmers but respect his process and know that he may be very different when he arrives out the other end of the roughest patch. Good thing is....you will still love him!!

Hang in there.....and don't slack off on getting help for yourself!!
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Schab33 View Post
You will be able to get some much needed support here ...I have little to offer in the way of advice as my own son continues to spiral out of control ..I have had to cut my self off from him completely in a desperate attempt for him to hit rock bottom...on the other hand my boyfriend who is 43 has been clean 11 years from Meth for him it was a 90 jail stay that saved him...he never used again ..he insist I am doing the right thing ...I will be thinking of you I a sure as you already know Meth can cause some severe mood swings to say the least please take care of yourself ...
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I'm almost embarrassed to think of how naive I was to addiction before this. I've NEVER dealt with anything like this before.

I do believe that you are doing the right thing and I know deep down that if my son does not respond to this rehab that I will be in your shoes before long. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will NOT help him ruin his life. I will keep you and your son in my prayers and congratulations to your boyfriend. He is an inspiration!!!
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Old 11-03-2012, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by StillMySon View Post
I'm almost embarrassed to think of how naive I was to addiction before this. I've NEVER dealt with anything like this !
You are here getting much needed info and for that step you are very wise. I also was naive in the beginning--but a fast learner! No one understands like someone who has walked in our shoes already.
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:03 AM
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StillMySon,

I have a 21yo alcoholic son. The truth is I never knew the depths of his addiction until his world started to crumble. He is a college senior and has been able to maintain his grades through all of his problems. My son was arrested several months back for underage possession of alcohol. That was a wake up call for me and I thought it was for him too. He woke up as long as the embarrassment of being arrested was there and then he was back to his old self. He started going to AA and seeing a counselor. I thought boy he is really kicking this thing. He moved into his own place and in all my naive thinking thought wow he is kicking this thing he must have not been as bad as most. The problem is he too was getting cocky at the same time and went out after being sober for about 3 weeks and got drunk and was arrested for public intoxication. He was truly broken. It was at this time that great people he met in AA including his sponsor really reached him. They had been there done that time and time again.

I had to help myself because I was losing it. I set firm boundaries and even though they were hard I set them for me. Not for my son. I didn't budge.

My boundaries
1) I will not live with an active alcoholic
2) I will not financially support an active alcoholic
3) I will live in peace in my home.

Boundaries will be different for each person but decide what you will and won't live with. I want my son to eat so he is welcome to come here and eat any time he wants to. I want him to graduate so anything that helps him get through college I'm willing to help. I don't give cash.

I'll be honest. When I read some of the comments back to me when I first started posting I thought they just don't know how really sweet my son is. The advice was harsh. I encourage you to look at it ALL as it comes in love and these people know where you are because they have been there at least once in there lives. I would also remind myself well they are dealing with spouses and you can't divorce children. But the truth is we can detach from the addicts. Detach with love.

One other thing that helped me so much was reading the thread for the newly recovering alcoholics. Reading their posts helped me understand my son's frame of mind, what the craving were like, and so much more. This gave me the ability to have some compassion for my son and not look at what he was doing to me. I took it personally and from reading the thread of people recovering I realized his addiction isn't about me at all. It's his addiction and he has decide if and when he wants help. Fortunately, it seems he is at that place now but I know enough to know there are usually relapses and the first year is very hard.
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