PhilsFan33

Hello Everyone,

I've posted here a few times before and received some amazing feedback from a ton of members.

Today, I'm more scared then ever. I'm not sure I'll ever release myself from the grip of opiates. I'm not sure where to turn from here...Whether I should rely on suboxone? Whether I should consider Vivitrol? Whether I'm ever going to be strong enough to overcome the devil that urges me day in and day out..

As a background, about 3 years ago I took my first perc 10 and I was hooked ever since. 10s quickly grew to 30s. Most recently I've been taking 3-4 30s a day. In that 3 year period I was able to graduate from a top university and land a good job. Compared to my sober friends I was more successful so in my eyes what was the harm? Well I was blind to the fact that I was mentally and physically addicted to opiates. I've attempted to quit using suboxone but it never lasted long and I always relapsed.

Today I'm proud to say I'm 2 days clean, cold turkey! My wd experience hasn't been pleasant but not horrible. I've mainly been sneezing, sniffling, cold sweats and the *****. More or less flue like symptoms. Luckily Imodium has helped me through work without running to the bathroom 9 times a day.

Financially I cannot keep doing opiods. I have put myself in debt and I'm constantly broke. Luckily my addiction has not negatively effected my relationships with my family. I pray that I'm strong enough to beat this horrible disease and hope you can offer any support!

I've made it as far as 10 days clean before and I know that my w/d symptoms never get worse the *****/Sneezing/Runny Nose which I know I can manage even while working.

Luckily, I wont have money until 11/8/12, which at that point I will be 11 days clean.

I'm not sure where to turn or what to do? I'm not even sure why I posted this but I do know that I cannot continue to live like this..

Any help or suggestions would be highly appreciated..

venicequeen

You sound just like me. Opiates are one hell of a powerful drug to be in the grip of, but we CAN rid ourselves of this addiction. Be careful with that money you are getting, maybe have someone close to you moniter it or put it in a savings account that you can't access at all times (except for a little bit of course). I always found that when I start to feel better physically, is when my mind plays the most tricks on me, making me want to go get high.

Suboxone might be a good idea for you. It is a very useful tool to help you stand on your own two feet for a little while. It is expensive though. Do you have a family member or a friend that would be willing to help you out with it? Someone who supports you?

PhilsFan33

Another Philadelphian! I'm glad to see that you survived Sandy with me! Thank you for your support.

I think my biggest issues with Suboxone is I dont acknowledge myself as being 'clean' so its always easy for me to revert back to 30's.

Maybe I should alter my mindset when it comes to Suboxone and try to continuously stay on them for 3 months or a certain period of time, as in a goal, such as Christmas.

Dee74

Hi Phil

I've moved your thread to our substance abuse forum - I think you'll get more experience and pertinent support here

D

PhilsFan33

Thanks!

PhilsFan33

Day number 3! I've decided to live one day at a time. I always become overwhelmed when I think of how hard it will be to get to 1 month..one day at a time!

Imodium and caffeine pills will get me through work today!

PhilsFan33

Woah day 4! Stuffy nose is less intense, less stomach issues, so far so good! Immodium for the win!

EvoEight

Awesome Job, i can see the motivation in your post, you are well on your way.

milroy

Get well soon!
I just did it a month ago. Sounds like you are doing a thousand times better than I was!
Stick it out at all costs!

PhilsFan33

Thank you all for the support! Saturday I didn't take anything then Sunday I took 15mg which did nothing to me and Monday was officially day 1. I think that could be why my wd isn't too bad today bc Saturday was kind of day 1.

finaltime

You and I have a ton in common. Head to my threads to read through my stories. I also was a functional pill popper, had a good job, owned a small company, didn't have bad ties with the family etc. HOWEVER I am a perfect example of how if you don't get grips on it now, it will start to interfere with everything. Sounds like you are not using now due to you being broke. The part that is going to show you are truly ready is for you to not pick up on payday. Like they said earlier, get someone to hold your money. I have all faith that you can do this. And the fact that you are able to go to work still is UNREAL. I detoxed so many times and always had to call in. No more then 2-4 days though.

You can do this. It is a matter of working very hard at it. As hard as you work at times at using, you will have to work harder. I am at 8 months and some change clean now, and feel great. Time went slow for the first few months, but it has gotten easier.

Hang in there man. Glad you survived Sandy. I live in Shanghai and have been watching the news.

PhilsFan33

Thank you so much for your support and I look forward to reading your threads. Honestly, you're exactly right. My biggest weakness has always been payday. In the past I never made a plan or had a goal. So this weekend I'm determined to come up with a plan not only for this upcoming payday but each payday after, even if that means I will hand over my money to my mom.

Again thank you for your support and well wishes. I look forward to reading your threads and updating you on my sobriety!

PhilsFan33

Overall, after 4 days, I must say I'm pretty proud of myself. Tonight I reached out to an old friend whom ive known forever and who shared the same addition as me. Im proud to say my friend is now successfully 18 months clean and I couldn't be more proud. I asked him advice and if he could refer any good meetings around town. He said, "honesty bro Id rather bring you with me to my meetings. I know good ones with people our age an I can introduce you." That was honesty the greatest thing that could have happened to me, besides deciding to save my life. That's how I'm looking at it, I'm saving my life today not just getting sober! Wow I'm proud to be writing this right now..

A good friend of mine once told me that a goal without a plan is a wish. So that's why my next priority is to make a plan - a plan to stay clean, a plan to keep myself occupied and a plan for what I need to do when I'm being tempted.

Looking forward to conquering day 5!

finaltime

Doing good!!!!! I will write more in a bit, off to lunch

PhilsFan33

Day 5!! Woke up feeling great! Still sneezing a lot, why is it that I constantly sneeze?! Other they that my stuffy nose isn't as bad and my stomach issues are less severe. I had a horrible dream last night that I was going to buy pills and ruined my 5 days of sobriety, I woke up before I was unable to "relapse" in my dream lol

PhilsFan33

Day 8! In the bag! On to day 9!

likehappiness

Phils...so great to see you doing well. There are sooo many weird things that happen to us after we quit winning. As said in the Big Book, alcohol and drugs are cunning, baffling and powerful. I had lots of using dreams. Sometimes they would be the actual use, others it would be getting in trouble for using and so on and so forther. The acutually using ones used to make me bitchy in the mornings. The other things that brothered me were waking up and feeling like you had a hangover. I just absoluetley HATE that feeling. If I am going to feel crappy I at least want the drug or alcohol to go along with it.

I am so happy for you and hope that you continue to stay upbeat during this time. It is a HUGE thing everyday to get off drugs and alcohol. On the down days your head and thinking can get to you. Sometimes it takes all your effort to stay positive....just remember how far you have come already. WOW...jumped from the addict bus and ran away!
Awesome for you!

I love this posting...."Don't quit 5 minutes before a miracle".