oxy WD first time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
oxy WD first time
Hi All...SO glad I found this site, and this is my first post. I will give a quick overview of where I'm at.
I'm a successful 41 year old, business owner, endurance athlete, great family and I had 20+ years of being clean. I got clean when I was 15 from a very bad drug habit.
Over the past 4 years I started using vic's and perc's recreationally. On the weekend and kept it very limited.
Well as we all know, weekend use turns into once during the week, to multiple times during the week, then I'm stringing days together...you get the picture. It may have taken a few years to get there, but it got there.
As an addict, I developed a sick sense of thinking when i would be out running or biking. I would wish to get injured so I could get pills. I wouldn't intentionally injure myself, but I welcomed it if it happened.
Well that day came, many time...I had my various trips to walk in's and all that. But then the big day came. I had been taking perc's every other day for a couple weeks and I was out on a 100 mile bike ride.
I hit a hole going 25 mph and crashed. Blew apart my shoulder...my dream come true....NOT
Well, just over 3 months of surgery/recovery and solid oxy use, here I am. I was perscribed oxy throughout this period of time...this was my first legit access to oxy.
I would say over 3+ months, I averaged 30-60 mg a day. I know it's not a lot, but it was enough for me to embrace being an addict again and see it overtaking my life.
My doc said NO MORE and he wrote me a 100 refill and thats it. I took 15 of them and flushed them. That was Wednesday.
Thursday was my first day cold turkey...and today is the beginning of day 4.
this.....is.....a.....nightmare!!!!
chills rule my life, my legs hurt so F'n bad, RLS is tearing me apart and the fatigue!!! Holy crap the fatigue.
The one good thing is my head is clear for the first time.
I feel like this is never going to end, and I fear I will never get my motivation back to run and bike the way I use to.
I didnt use for that long I didnt think...is 3 months of steady use enough to be this sick?
I'm doing plenty of water, supplementing vitamins, making super clean and nutrient dense smoothies...but please!!! when does it end????
This WD has left a mark on me that I dont want to forget.
I'm a successful 41 year old, business owner, endurance athlete, great family and I had 20+ years of being clean. I got clean when I was 15 from a very bad drug habit.
Over the past 4 years I started using vic's and perc's recreationally. On the weekend and kept it very limited.
Well as we all know, weekend use turns into once during the week, to multiple times during the week, then I'm stringing days together...you get the picture. It may have taken a few years to get there, but it got there.
As an addict, I developed a sick sense of thinking when i would be out running or biking. I would wish to get injured so I could get pills. I wouldn't intentionally injure myself, but I welcomed it if it happened.
Well that day came, many time...I had my various trips to walk in's and all that. But then the big day came. I had been taking perc's every other day for a couple weeks and I was out on a 100 mile bike ride.
I hit a hole going 25 mph and crashed. Blew apart my shoulder...my dream come true....NOT
Well, just over 3 months of surgery/recovery and solid oxy use, here I am. I was perscribed oxy throughout this period of time...this was my first legit access to oxy.
I would say over 3+ months, I averaged 30-60 mg a day. I know it's not a lot, but it was enough for me to embrace being an addict again and see it overtaking my life.
My doc said NO MORE and he wrote me a 100 refill and thats it. I took 15 of them and flushed them. That was Wednesday.
Thursday was my first day cold turkey...and today is the beginning of day 4.
this.....is.....a.....nightmare!!!!
chills rule my life, my legs hurt so F'n bad, RLS is tearing me apart and the fatigue!!! Holy crap the fatigue.
The one good thing is my head is clear for the first time.
I feel like this is never going to end, and I fear I will never get my motivation back to run and bike the way I use to.
I didnt use for that long I didnt think...is 3 months of steady use enough to be this sick?
I'm doing plenty of water, supplementing vitamins, making super clean and nutrient dense smoothies...but please!!! when does it end????
This WD has left a mark on me that I dont want to forget.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((saaben)) - Welcome to SR and congrats on day 4! Opiates weren't my "thing", crack was but there are a LOT of people here who know them well. From what I've read here (there are many threads), the first week is the roughest...like a really bad case of the flu. Hot baths help the RLS for some, walking for others.
I hope you read around, keep posting. This can be the LAST time you ever go through this
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I hope you read around, keep posting. This can be the LAST time you ever go through this
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: philadelphia, pa
Posts: 25
Keep drinking water and taking vitamins, that is one of the best things you can do. As for the RLS, walking and hot showers/baths do help, but the RLS syndrome should go away very soon for you as you are on day 4. Most of your symptoms should subside within 7 days (counting your 4, so only 3 more). As for the fatigue, that will last a couple weeks, but when your other symptoms go away it's really not the worst feeling.
Hang in there! Opiate withdrawal sucks, I have been there myself many times. You will get through it, although you might often find yourself thinking about amputating your legs! The best advice I can give is to REMEMBER THIS FEELING. Our brains often try and trick us into forgetting the hell we went through getting off these things. Every time you kick it gets worse so why not make this your last.
Best of luck to you! Keep us updated on how you are doing.
Hang in there! Opiate withdrawal sucks, I have been there myself many times. You will get through it, although you might often find yourself thinking about amputating your legs! The best advice I can give is to REMEMBER THIS FEELING. Our brains often try and trick us into forgetting the hell we went through getting off these things. Every time you kick it gets worse so why not make this your last.
Best of luck to you! Keep us updated on how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I had a similar habit for a while. I think fourth day is just about the peak. Hope you're feeling better. Stay on sr, when you are having a hard time, REREAD this post!
Crazy how it works huh? I would do martial arts and then have reasons to take pain pills, but I would suffer the worst of the pain so the pills would work better. Washed me down with booze too. Ugh.
Crazy how it works huh? I would do martial arts and then have reasons to take pain pills, but I would suffer the worst of the pain so the pills would work better. Washed me down with booze too. Ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Thanks for the support so far. I managed to get out of bed, do some strength training and ride my bike indoors for an hour and a half. Something else that hit me like a brick today....my sex drive went through the roof out of no where. I feel like I'm 15 again....it feels a little creepy, but I'm just embracing it and am going to enjoy it.
Almost like my brain got flooded with natural chemicals all the sudden!
Almost like my brain got flooded with natural chemicals all the sudden!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Lancaster Ca
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by saaben900 
Thanks for the support so far. I managed to get out of bed, do some strength training and ride my bike indoors for an hour and a half. Something else that hit me like a brick today....my sex drive went through the roof out of no where. I feel like I'm 15 again....it feels a little creepy, but I'm just embracing it and am going to enjoy it.
Almost like my brain got flooded with natural chemicals all the sudden!
Almost like my brain got flooded with natural chemicals all the sudden!
That's just one pleasure of many to come if you stay off opiates, deep sleeps, self confidence, motivation, sensation<Check) gets better and better...Good job
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by saaben900
Hi All...SO glad I found this site, and this is my first post. I will give a quick overview of where I'm at.
I'm a successful 41 year old, business owner, endurance athlete, great family and I had 20+ years of being clean. I got clean when I was 15 from a very bad drug habit.
Over the past 4 years I started using vic's and perc's recreationally. On the weekend and kept it very limited.
Well as we all know, weekend use turns into once during the week, to multiple times during the week, then I'm stringing days together...you get the picture. It may have taken a few years to get there, but it got there.
As an addict, I developed a sick sense of thinking when i would be out running or biking. I would wish to get injured so I could get pills. I wouldn't intentionally injure myself, but I welcomed it if it happened.
Well that day came, many time...I had my various trips to walk in's and all that. But then the big day came. I had been taking perc's every other day for a couple weeks and I was out on a 100 mile bike ride.
I hit a hole going 25 mph and crashed. Blew apart my shoulder...my dream come true....NOT
Well, just over 3 months of surgery/recovery and solid oxy use, here I am. I was perscribed oxy throughout this period of time...this was my first legit access to oxy.
I would say over 3+ months, I averaged 30-60 mg a day. I know it's not a lot, but it was enough for me to embrace being an addict again and see it overtaking my life.
My doc said NO MORE and he wrote me a 100 refill and thats it. I took 15 of them and flushed them. That was Wednesday.
Thursday was my first day cold turkey...and today is the beginning of day 4.
this.....is.....a.....nightmare!!!!
chills rule my life, my legs hurt so F'n bad, RLS is tearing me apart and the fatigue!!! Holy crap the fatigue.
The one good thing is my head is clear for the first time.
I feel like this is never going to end, and I fear I will never get my motivation back to run and bike the way I use to.
I didnt use for that long I didnt think...is 3 months of steady use enough to be this sick?
I'm doing plenty of water, supplementing vitamins, making super clean and nutrient dense smoothies...but please!!! when does it end????
This WD has left a mark on me that I dont want to forget.
I'm a successful 41 year old, business owner, endurance athlete, great family and I had 20+ years of being clean. I got clean when I was 15 from a very bad drug habit.
Over the past 4 years I started using vic's and perc's recreationally. On the weekend and kept it very limited.
Well as we all know, weekend use turns into once during the week, to multiple times during the week, then I'm stringing days together...you get the picture. It may have taken a few years to get there, but it got there.
As an addict, I developed a sick sense of thinking when i would be out running or biking. I would wish to get injured so I could get pills. I wouldn't intentionally injure myself, but I welcomed it if it happened.
Well that day came, many time...I had my various trips to walk in's and all that. But then the big day came. I had been taking perc's every other day for a couple weeks and I was out on a 100 mile bike ride.
I hit a hole going 25 mph and crashed. Blew apart my shoulder...my dream come true....NOT
Well, just over 3 months of surgery/recovery and solid oxy use, here I am. I was perscribed oxy throughout this period of time...this was my first legit access to oxy.
I would say over 3+ months, I averaged 30-60 mg a day. I know it's not a lot, but it was enough for me to embrace being an addict again and see it overtaking my life.
My doc said NO MORE and he wrote me a 100 refill and thats it. I took 15 of them and flushed them. That was Wednesday.
Thursday was my first day cold turkey...and today is the beginning of day 4.
this.....is.....a.....nightmare!!!!
chills rule my life, my legs hurt so F'n bad, RLS is tearing me apart and the fatigue!!! Holy crap the fatigue.
The one good thing is my head is clear for the first time.
I feel like this is never going to end, and I fear I will never get my motivation back to run and bike the way I use to.
I didnt use for that long I didnt think...is 3 months of steady use enough to be this sick?
I'm doing plenty of water, supplementing vitamins, making super clean and nutrient dense smoothies...but please!!! when does it end????
This WD has left a mark on me that I dont want to forget.
I have never taken anything in my life. In fact I was a pill o phobe. However one thing led to another and for two years I was taking 10mg of hydro a day. Sometimes I would take a second norco at night. 10% of the time it was for back pain. 90% buzz. Anyway. I went nuts over the past four months. 60-70mg of hydro a day. Last 6 weeks. I tossed on 30-60mg of oxy a day....... What a moron I am. This stuff is like a vice grip.
4 days closer to being out of prison for you. Keep it up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Day 5!!!
Mark, i know its cliche, but it truly is one day at a time...I have heard that simple saying all my life, but to really embrace the true meaning of it, that is when hope becomes a real thing.
I am still having restless legs at night...I just want to bash my legs with something...so sleep is still tough, up every couple hours, shaking and bouncing my legs in bed. Im hot, Im cold, Im hot, Im cold.
I was able to get out yesterday, took my son to a late breakfast and had a long talk with him.
He is 15 and I busted him smoking weed twice this year. Of course I'm going to say he is a good kid, but he has my DNA. We talked about what I'm going through and I want him to know he is not exempt. We cannot get complacent about our sobriety, nor think it's ok to just do it once. He is a mature kid, so he handled it well, and I need him to not be afraid to be open with me, and I will be open with him. At this point in life, why not support each other.
I have spent more time trying to display the strong got it together dad, when inside I have been falling apart.
I read my life recovery book this morning, watching the storm starting to come through, and I have over 300 emails to go through since i have blown off my business to get through detox. The anxiety level is HIGH, but I'm going to dial it down from one day at a time to one task at a time, or one minute at a time.
Thanks all for the support thus far...stay tuned.
Mark, i know its cliche, but it truly is one day at a time...I have heard that simple saying all my life, but to really embrace the true meaning of it, that is when hope becomes a real thing.
I am still having restless legs at night...I just want to bash my legs with something...so sleep is still tough, up every couple hours, shaking and bouncing my legs in bed. Im hot, Im cold, Im hot, Im cold.
I was able to get out yesterday, took my son to a late breakfast and had a long talk with him.
He is 15 and I busted him smoking weed twice this year. Of course I'm going to say he is a good kid, but he has my DNA. We talked about what I'm going through and I want him to know he is not exempt. We cannot get complacent about our sobriety, nor think it's ok to just do it once. He is a mature kid, so he handled it well, and I need him to not be afraid to be open with me, and I will be open with him. At this point in life, why not support each other.
I have spent more time trying to display the strong got it together dad, when inside I have been falling apart.
I read my life recovery book this morning, watching the storm starting to come through, and I have over 300 emails to go through since i have blown off my business to get through detox. The anxiety level is HIGH, but I'm going to dial it down from one day at a time to one task at a time, or one minute at a time.
Thanks all for the support thus far...stay tuned.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Sounds like you are doing a lot better. Kudos for working out during this, amazing!
You will wake up one day, and feel amazing. It happened to me, and you won't believe the wave of gratefulness that you came out the other side of this horrible addiction.
You will wake up one day, and feel amazing. It happened to me, and you won't believe the wave of gratefulness that you came out the other side of this horrible addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Day 6!!!
Restless legs are feeling a little bit better. My legs took a huge hit going through this process, holy crap. They still hurt like I ran a marathon, literally feels the same as running a marathon.
So if anyone is ever wondering what it feels like the day after running a marathon, this is it, as far as legs go.
I read through my Life Recovery book this morning...my uncle who is in recovery gave it to me.
My mantra has been one day at a time...oh...so...true. I dont feel like using right now, but i know those ugly cravings will kick in at any time...knowing I'm powerless day by day helps me get through.
Restless legs are feeling a little bit better. My legs took a huge hit going through this process, holy crap. They still hurt like I ran a marathon, literally feels the same as running a marathon.
So if anyone is ever wondering what it feels like the day after running a marathon, this is it, as far as legs go.
I read through my Life Recovery book this morning...my uncle who is in recovery gave it to me.
My mantra has been one day at a time...oh...so...true. I dont feel like using right now, but i know those ugly cravings will kick in at any time...knowing I'm powerless day by day helps me get through.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: philadelphia, pa
Posts: 25
When cravings do kick in, many people in early recovery find it useful to use AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique). It is being able to identify when you addiction is speaking to you in your brain, and being able to seperate that voice from yourself. There is more information about it on this forum if that might be something you want to look into.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Wowzer, AVRT...very interesting. I may have done some of this automatically early in my recovery years as a young adult.
Do people really find this effective? I was a little surprised to see they kind of throw out the "it's a disease" concept?
btw...got some strength training in and did an hours worth of bike drills...felt great, slowly, very slowly feeling better.
Do people really find this effective? I was a little surprised to see they kind of throw out the "it's a disease" concept?
btw...got some strength training in and did an hours worth of bike drills...felt great, slowly, very slowly feeling better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Well well well...Day 7!!! Day 7, you may have thought I would never catch you but I did.
RLS diminished quite a bit, sleep is still rough, but thank GOD the fatigue, aches, and that flu feeling is over for the most part.
btw, dont bother commenting to my AVRT post, I see what the deal is and how it can cause some wars, please disregard.
Got a short run in, then some one leg squat work. Going to buy a Vitamix, the juicer is just to much of a mess and too time consuming.
RLS diminished quite a bit, sleep is still rough, but thank GOD the fatigue, aches, and that flu feeling is over for the most part.
btw, dont bother commenting to my AVRT post, I see what the deal is and how it can cause some wars, please disregard.
Got a short run in, then some one leg squat work. Going to buy a Vitamix, the juicer is just to much of a mess and too time consuming.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((saaben)) - Sounds like you are doing great! I'm glad you talked to your son.
Sounds like you are getting what you need, for recovery, wherever you can and I think that's awesome. My recovery program is a little bit of this, a little of that, and some things I'd never even known about until I came to SR. It works for me - going on 6 years
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sounds like you are getting what you need, for recovery, wherever you can and I think that's awesome. My recovery program is a little bit of this, a little of that, and some things I'd never even known about until I came to SR. It works for me - going on 6 years
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
DAY 8!!!
Wowzer
Well, lets see...had a rough sleep last night, RLS came back with a vengeance...WTF??? It seems there is a bit of a cycle with WD symptoms. I was feeling pretty well yesterday and then it comes in waves.
I got up around 5, had some cereal, stayed away till 6 then managed another 1.5 of sleep.
Got up, did my PT for my shoulder injury that started this whole mess, got on the bike for 45 minutes. Felt GREAT after.
FWIW, no matter how much you dont feel like exercising the PAYOFF is when you finish, I have never regretted a workout.
I got a Vitamix yesterday...hit the grocery store for veg and fruits. I use to juice...to much of pain...just throw everything in a blender and be done. Although it reminds me of what I may be eating when i'm 90.
Had a great convo with my uncle yesterday...he is one of my life lines for recovery...me and him are more alike than me and my father. Very encouraging and helps put things into perspective.
It feels nice to get up in the AM and not be worried about how terrible I feel. It's always tough to get up anyways, but knowing that my body can naturally wake up after 30 minutes without pillz is liberating.
I picked up the Rational Recovery book...will give it a read...I will just look at it as an additional tool in the toolbox.
DAY 8!!!
Wowzer
Well, lets see...had a rough sleep last night, RLS came back with a vengeance...WTF??? It seems there is a bit of a cycle with WD symptoms. I was feeling pretty well yesterday and then it comes in waves.
I got up around 5, had some cereal, stayed away till 6 then managed another 1.5 of sleep.
Got up, did my PT for my shoulder injury that started this whole mess, got on the bike for 45 minutes. Felt GREAT after.
FWIW, no matter how much you dont feel like exercising the PAYOFF is when you finish, I have never regretted a workout.
I got a Vitamix yesterday...hit the grocery store for veg and fruits. I use to juice...to much of pain...just throw everything in a blender and be done. Although it reminds me of what I may be eating when i'm 90.
Had a great convo with my uncle yesterday...he is one of my life lines for recovery...me and him are more alike than me and my father. Very encouraging and helps put things into perspective.
It feels nice to get up in the AM and not be worried about how terrible I feel. It's always tough to get up anyways, but knowing that my body can naturally wake up after 30 minutes without pillz is liberating.
I picked up the Rational Recovery book...will give it a read...I will just look at it as an additional tool in the toolbox.
DAY 8!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Yes you can have withdrawals after 3 months because i had loght w/s after codeine n that only taking it from 6 july to 26 july; runs, weakness, dizzyiness, lathegy n teariness n wanting them / having dreams of taking them.
Good luck saaben n keep posting
Good luck saaben n keep posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
DAY 10!!! Double digits.
RLS and just plain beat up leg muscles are really what has continued to plague me. I bought some magnesium/calcium suppliment yesterday along with some homeopathic RLS pills.
It may have made a little bit of a difference...but not totally gone.
I picture this oxy like GUM in my muscle tissue that is just SO hard to get out.
One thing that I fine a challenge being sober 24x7 is dealing with ME. I am my own worst enemy.
One of my character traits is I have VERY high expectations of myself and everyone around me. Some people call it competitive, some people call it determined, I call it both of those things and then slap some OCD on it also.
I am really trying to "be kind" to myself, let myself off the hook for not meeting my own expectations and realize that I can only do what I can do in a day. The beat down that I have experienced during this WD from oxy has really F'd with my mental state of ever returning to normal as far as motivation to always push myself out of my own comfort zone.
I'm a HUGE advocate of doing things that make me feel uncomfortable...I look at it as growth in all areas. If there is a challenge, I want to be the first to sign up for it so I can prove to myself it can be done and I feel like I become a better person in the end. I dont limit myself by my brain telling me STOP or DONT DO IT.
Heck, I have cycled up Mount Washington 5 times. I once ran for 12 hours. I compete in 9+ hour run/bike events. Anything that has to do with endurance I want to sign up for. Some people have said this has become my new addiction...I say, yea that is obvious.
I have spent a lot of time in my training never feeling like I have done good enough, I didnt push hard enough, I didnt go fast enough...After coming through this oxy ordeal, I really need to be kind to myself and not punish myself for doing my best.
At the same time, I have always felt like that inner voice that says your not pushing hard enough is the part that makes me faster and more durable.
Well, only time will tell if me being kind to myself will result in slower/mediocure performance. What I do know is I cant continually beat myself up because getting high is my fix for that.
On another note of high expectations...I have a very warped way of looking at my wife and expecting her to rise to my expectations. We have been together since high school and I'm 41 now. We are really, really struggling in our marriage now. Not just over the drug abuse, that is almost a secondary thing. We are struggling because she really needs me to love her and I look at her and think "you havnt worked hard enough for my love", "your lazy", "you dont want to better yourself in your day to day life".
I had a moment about a year ago where I was not content with her anymore...which is a long story. And she had a moment at the same time where she suddenly needed more from me emotionally and physically. I could not deliver to her.
I have asked my close friends if they think my wife is lazy and they actually say yes. We have gone to counseling and I put it all out there. I told my wife I think she is lazy and I am very VERY unattracted to that. It's like after 20+ years of being together, we are NOT the same people we use to be. I think our core values are different now. Our interests are different. She has ZERO interest other than me. I'm her interest. We did figure out that she is very co-dependant on me and that is an obvious issue.
I know I am a very difficult person to live with. I'm hard edged and very black and white about things when I'm sober. And I'm totally ok with that. I am non hypocritical and cant help but be brutally honest about how I feel.
Last night we went out to eat...she said lets talk about "us".
We had not talked about "us" for a couple months due to my oxy use and WD, but now seemed like the time to get it going.
I told her the only thing that I cant get off my mind is that my level of expectations are back in full force and I'm not happy with how she is not meeting those expectations.
I told her that stupid **** like..."you get 3 days off of work because of the hurricane and you litterally sit around for 3 F'n days and act like you just cant get enough rest. Watching hours of TV, or in bed reading and there is SO much **** to be done in our own house!!"
Trust me, she does not have a hard job and I am running a business that consumes me around the clock.
One other thing that may matter also...I got kind of involved with another female about a year ago. This girl is very motivated, fit, proactive, and SO active in her lifestyle of always trying to better herself. It was the perfect storm with the change I was going through, she came along and I felt like I seen that there are people out there that do meet my expectations. There are people that have similar core values as I do. That moment has been part of my demise.
Anyhow...I'm RANTING...sorry....I just wanted to get some random thoughts out there and talk about some things that go on when I'm not in a drug induced state of oblivian and can just ignore everything.
I think it's good to talk about because these are the very things that LIFE is all about...and these are the things we can choose to use over.
RLS and just plain beat up leg muscles are really what has continued to plague me. I bought some magnesium/calcium suppliment yesterday along with some homeopathic RLS pills.
It may have made a little bit of a difference...but not totally gone.
I picture this oxy like GUM in my muscle tissue that is just SO hard to get out.
One thing that I fine a challenge being sober 24x7 is dealing with ME. I am my own worst enemy.
One of my character traits is I have VERY high expectations of myself and everyone around me. Some people call it competitive, some people call it determined, I call it both of those things and then slap some OCD on it also.
I am really trying to "be kind" to myself, let myself off the hook for not meeting my own expectations and realize that I can only do what I can do in a day. The beat down that I have experienced during this WD from oxy has really F'd with my mental state of ever returning to normal as far as motivation to always push myself out of my own comfort zone.
I'm a HUGE advocate of doing things that make me feel uncomfortable...I look at it as growth in all areas. If there is a challenge, I want to be the first to sign up for it so I can prove to myself it can be done and I feel like I become a better person in the end. I dont limit myself by my brain telling me STOP or DONT DO IT.
Heck, I have cycled up Mount Washington 5 times. I once ran for 12 hours. I compete in 9+ hour run/bike events. Anything that has to do with endurance I want to sign up for. Some people have said this has become my new addiction...I say, yea that is obvious.
I have spent a lot of time in my training never feeling like I have done good enough, I didnt push hard enough, I didnt go fast enough...After coming through this oxy ordeal, I really need to be kind to myself and not punish myself for doing my best.
At the same time, I have always felt like that inner voice that says your not pushing hard enough is the part that makes me faster and more durable.
Well, only time will tell if me being kind to myself will result in slower/mediocure performance. What I do know is I cant continually beat myself up because getting high is my fix for that.
On another note of high expectations...I have a very warped way of looking at my wife and expecting her to rise to my expectations. We have been together since high school and I'm 41 now. We are really, really struggling in our marriage now. Not just over the drug abuse, that is almost a secondary thing. We are struggling because she really needs me to love her and I look at her and think "you havnt worked hard enough for my love", "your lazy", "you dont want to better yourself in your day to day life".
I had a moment about a year ago where I was not content with her anymore...which is a long story. And she had a moment at the same time where she suddenly needed more from me emotionally and physically. I could not deliver to her.
I have asked my close friends if they think my wife is lazy and they actually say yes. We have gone to counseling and I put it all out there. I told my wife I think she is lazy and I am very VERY unattracted to that. It's like after 20+ years of being together, we are NOT the same people we use to be. I think our core values are different now. Our interests are different. She has ZERO interest other than me. I'm her interest. We did figure out that she is very co-dependant on me and that is an obvious issue.
I know I am a very difficult person to live with. I'm hard edged and very black and white about things when I'm sober. And I'm totally ok with that. I am non hypocritical and cant help but be brutally honest about how I feel.
Last night we went out to eat...she said lets talk about "us".
We had not talked about "us" for a couple months due to my oxy use and WD, but now seemed like the time to get it going.
I told her the only thing that I cant get off my mind is that my level of expectations are back in full force and I'm not happy with how she is not meeting those expectations.
I told her that stupid **** like..."you get 3 days off of work because of the hurricane and you litterally sit around for 3 F'n days and act like you just cant get enough rest. Watching hours of TV, or in bed reading and there is SO much **** to be done in our own house!!"
Trust me, she does not have a hard job and I am running a business that consumes me around the clock.
One other thing that may matter also...I got kind of involved with another female about a year ago. This girl is very motivated, fit, proactive, and SO active in her lifestyle of always trying to better herself. It was the perfect storm with the change I was going through, she came along and I felt like I seen that there are people out there that do meet my expectations. There are people that have similar core values as I do. That moment has been part of my demise.
Anyhow...I'm RANTING...sorry....I just wanted to get some random thoughts out there and talk about some things that go on when I'm not in a drug induced state of oblivian and can just ignore everything.
I think it's good to talk about because these are the very things that LIFE is all about...and these are the things we can choose to use over.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 104
Have you considered marriage counseling?
As for the girl you are involved with... life is always greener on the other side. When we are unhappy with our spouses its very easy to see how good someone else may be. Mainly because we only look at how they are like us and not how they aren't.
You said your wife is very co-dependent, is that not much like your addiction?
Maybe she needs help just as much as you do.
Good job on 10 days! Hopefully you can keep going strong
As for the girl you are involved with... life is always greener on the other side. When we are unhappy with our spouses its very easy to see how good someone else may be. Mainly because we only look at how they are like us and not how they aren't.
You said your wife is very co-dependent, is that not much like your addiction?
Maybe she needs help just as much as you do.
Good job on 10 days! Hopefully you can keep going strong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 9
Day 11!!!!
Keep on keeping on.
I was cleaning some stuff up in the kitchen yesterday. I found an oxy pill on top of the fridge. I ran to the sink and threw it down the drain. Well the fridge is right next to the sink, but it felt like I was running to the sink.
I forget the hiding places I had.
Spent the day at church volunteering fixing people's computers. I am going on a week missions trip to Chile to fix people's computers next week...so this was like a practice run.
Day 11....we don't need no stinking pillz
Keep busy, and keep pressing on.
Keep on keeping on.
I was cleaning some stuff up in the kitchen yesterday. I found an oxy pill on top of the fridge. I ran to the sink and threw it down the drain. Well the fridge is right next to the sink, but it felt like I was running to the sink.
I forget the hiding places I had.
Spent the day at church volunteering fixing people's computers. I am going on a week missions trip to Chile to fix people's computers next week...so this was like a practice run.
Day 11....we don't need no stinking pillz
Keep busy, and keep pressing on.
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