SavingSelf

I am new to this forum (although I have lurked on and off for years) but not new to wanting to stop drinking. I have been drinking too much on and off since my college years. I am 40 now. My longest period in the last 20 years without drinking was almost 2 years when I was pregnant and breastfeeding my daughter.

My current life situation is pretty stressful--unfortunately our daughter was diagnosed two years ago with a terminal, neurodegenerative illness. She is 4 1/2 now and doing as well as we can hope for--but daily life can be a struggle, obviously.

My struggles with alcohol began long ago. If I am honest I will say I probably was never a normal drinker--but never an all day/night type of drinker either.

I could go on and on about the ups and downs, periods of not drinking, then drinking again. I've never had physical withdrawls. Well, not yet anyway.

Most recently my drinking escalated to new heights--drinking 6 beers a night most nights of the week (maybe 1 or 2 nights without) Some nights 7 or 8 beers. And, this was at home alone drinking as we can't really get out due to our life situation. My partner rarely drinks, so I was drinking that much alone. Rather than be hung over the next day.... I was able to wake up early in the morning and do everything I needed to do during the day. I knew I was drinking too much (again) but this time I had a great "excuse"--the stress of our lives is great, and the only way to cope and put my head down at night was to drink myself to numbness.

My partner was not happy with the amount I was drinking (again), and began lecturing and threatening. We had a huge fight a little over two months ago while I was drinking and I again swore off alcohol.

And I made a great change. Always one to work out, my working out although still there, had lessened. That combined with the drinking had put on 20 lbs for me. So, I made a decision to work out again and lose the weight. Due to not being able to leave our daughter, in order to get to the gym I need to leave the house at 5 AM. And I have done that. In two months I am already down about 13 or 14 lbs. For a time (6 weeks or 7 I think) I stopped drinking completely. I started seeing a therapist. I did everything I needed to do--but I didn't think too much about drinking other than knowing I didn't want to drink again.

There were many opportunities to drink in those first weeks and I felt really ok with saying no when offered a drink in family situations.

And then we went to a wedding a few weeks ago. I have great anxiety about big social situations--and we really can't leave our daughter so a night out was a rare treat. Drinking in such a "drinking" situation seemed like the thing to do. I drank a few glasses of wine. Danced. Had fun. Felt a bit guilty the next day. But nothing earth shattering happened.

Last week I was feeling myself leaning towards drinking to excess. I couldn't pin down why--but it was a few days coming. I think it was set off by a really good anual check up at the doctor. Blood pressure was amazing. Weight was good. Eventually found out all my labs were pristine etc and so forth. And since I hadn't taken off going to the gym in two weeks, made a decision to drink last Saturday night (two weeks after the wedding drinks) and knew I would take the morning off of the gym the next day.

I drank to excess that night. Knew I was going do and then I did it. I decided that my reward for not drinking and being healthy would be drinking. Foolish, I know. I tried to blow it off as no big deal as it had been two months since I did that, but how can I?

I talked with my therapist about it on Wednesday and she feels it is a huge red flag. She wants to know why I kept beer in the house to begin with? My answer (excuse I guess) is that it is for guests. And that I have gotten rid of alcohol before only to buy more if I wanted it. At the end after we were discussing alcohol in general and my desire to still drink socially (I don't want to binge at home alone anymore because even an alcoholic can't justify that behavior.) I decided I needed to set rules such as no alcohol in the house, and no drinking alone.

Since that binge it as if my whole mind about alcohol has changed. I am worried and thinking about it more than I did two months ago. And I hate that.

I don't want to think about alcohol. I just want to think about my daughter and her needs and how to make sure every minute she has here on earth is amazing.

Now I don't know what to do. I am trying to convince myself I should just get rid of the alcohol in the house and try to drink socially (like at the wedding) But non alcoholics don't need to get rid of alcohol in their house to ensure they don't binge at home alone, do they?

We are going out to dinner tonight and my partner's parents are social drinkers. In fact, they are the best social drinkers--one or two max and that is it. Although in the last two months I've said no to alcohol with dinners with them, now I am envisioning saying yes to a glass of wine tonight (to test out my social drinking theory). But maybe I would get rid of the alcohol in the house first just in case when I came home that would tempt me? Even as I type this out I know how ridiculous I sound.

I know I don't need alcohol. I know I can't trust myself with alcohol once I start. I know any talk of drinking again is just the part of my brain that wants to drink again. And, if I am truly honest with myself--I have never really wanted just one glass of wine. Or one beer. Sure, I have been able to have one and walk away--but it is definitely an effort and something I have to "work" on. Social drinkers don't have to work on not drinking too much.

Just wanted to type all this out. Thank you.

2granddaughters

SS, I found sobriety, sanity and serenity in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

welcome!
the thinking i am reading, IMO, isnt foolish, but insane. alcoholism is a disease that will tell me i dont have a disease, everythings allright, have a drink. it is a liar. i cant have one or 2 and walk away. that is because i am powerless over alcohol and it made my life unmanagable. i was insane to think i could have one or 2 and walk away with no ill effects.

MIRecovery

Go to an AA meeting and see if you can relate to the stories. I related and not only did AA save my life they taught me how to lead a life full of happiness

qwerrt

First of all, I want to say that I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters' illness, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to go through.

I think you might want to take some time to talk to your therapist about your "stinkin' thinkin'" (that's what my therapist calls it ). I also went through a period of sobriety that turned out just to be abstinence (I believe there is a difference) when I started to "allow" myself to drink socially. I have social anxiety issues, do you as well? If so that is something you could also try to address with your therapist. Basically, after allowing myself to drink socially, I eventually ended up right back where I was to begin with, drinking too much and being unable to control it.

Best of luck to you!
Anne

least

The last sentence says it all. Social drinkers don't think about it at all, and they don't have to 'work on' setting limits.

I'd say to give yourself two or three months completely sober and see how you feel then. I tried to moderate my drinking so many times but never could. In the end it was easier to give it up altogether and I'm happier for having done so.


Welcome to the family!

Dee74

Welcome to SR savingself

I can only imagine the kind of stress you and your partner are under with your daughters illness - my heart goes out to you.

I'm really glad you're so self aware tho and that you know alcohol is not an appropriate or safe way to cope.

As someone else who used alcohol as a means to dealing with insoluble situations, I can tell you the road ahead does not get better.

You say you know you don't need alcohol. I'd run with that SavingSelf, I really would.
Forget about social drinking experiments...

I like leasts idea..take a break...I prefer 90 days as a marker but at the least you'll have a better idea if you have a problem or not by the end

You'll find a lot of support encouragement and wisdom here - welcome aboard

D

lilgolden73

I can't imagine as a parent, what your are going through, I don't even know what I would do in that situation! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

SavingSelf

Drank last night. No other "excuse" other than I am an alcoholic.

So, to recap....went 7 weeks without drinking after drinking most nights for over a year. Then 2 weeks. Then 6 days.

I am totally freaked out by this pattern and know where it is headed.

I am agnostic on good days, an atheist on bad.

I need to figure out what else I can do besides AA. Those steps just don't speak to me at all.

SavingSelf

Trying not to overthink things this morning. I have had a great stretch recently and can get back there. Just have to keep reminding myself that I am an alcoholic no matter what else i feel (good or bad). My brain doesn't react to alcohol like a non alcoholic's brain.

Just threw out all the alcohol in the house.

desertsong

I'm not pushing AA at you, but this quote from Chapter 3 of the Big Book always hits home with me:

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. There*fore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that some*how, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

My persistence of that illusion did almost kill me. It defies explanation. All I know is I can never drink again .... not even one.

Good for you for tossing the alcohol. Today can be a new day!

SavingSelf

Thank you desertsong. Although there are some things about AA that don't resonate with me, what you quoted above absolutely does.

I have gotten into such trouble thinking I can drink in moderation. My addictive voice can be quite cunning at times. I just need to listen to the other part of my brain that knows what I need to do and continue to follow through with it.

SavingSelf

Spent a lot of time reading here yesterday. Trying to find a balance of reminding myself each day that I am an alcoholic and can't drink but not spend each day obsessing about it. Found some good versions of the 12 steps online that are tailored to agnostics.

Went to bed early and now going to the gym at 5:30 AM.

Cascabel

Your issues with alcohol sound a lot like those I've dealt with. For me, the first drink of the day was a reward for having handled a stressful (or not) day more or less successfully. After that first drink, the alcohol took over and I would drink a lot more than was good for me. I never really drank a huge amount by alcoholic standards; one bottle of wine or perhaps one and a half and I was done. But, it would happen almost every late afternoon and early evening. Who needs to be rewarded that often? With that much? Only someone who is dependent on alcohol in some way.

I first noticed my "problem" with alcohol when I was in my forties and so I quit drinking for over thirty years: I am 75 now. I am proud of having had that long sober spell since I feel I saved myself a lot of trouble over the years. But, a few years back my wife became seriously ill and that, the involved stress, and the fact that having an afternoon drink was something pleasant we could share, got me started again.

Well, my wife is much better now. But, I struggle with (not) drinking having started again after a long period of abstinence. It wasn't too long after I started again that I started remembering why I had quit 30 years ago. So, I quit again, I hope for good, early this year but still have moments when I think "Oh what the hell!" So far I have managed to control my impulses, with but a single slip. It still is not easy but it gets a little easier every day. One thing I have learned, the hard way, that it is much simpler to quit entirely than it is to try to manage how much one drinks. I tried "managing" several times and in my experience, "manage" is simply a euphemism for escalate.

Like you,I am an agnostic/atheist so I have difficulties with the higher power part of AA. I have looked at some of the other, more secular, support programs but none of them appeal to me either. I have, so far, been successful quitting pretty much on my own, and by following this forum and posting on the occasional thread here.

I have found that exercise and good diet are important parts of my sobriety: when sloth and gluttony start rearing their heads, my resistance to alcohol becomes less. At these times I find the need to rededicate myself to a healthful life style. It isn't always easy but sobriety is always worth it.

Delilah1

Hi SS,

First, I am sorry that your daughter is sick, as a mom, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. From your post it is obvious that she is your priority, and I imagine your motivation for staying sober.

AA is a wonderful support for so many people, I went to two meetings but didn't feel it was the right fit for me. Women for Sobriety is another group, I really like their principles and have been using them to stay focused on sobriety and a positive outlook. There is a link to their website on SR.

Hope you are doing well today.

Caldus

SavingSelf,

I read through your out-loud thinking in your first post and it's the hallmark of every alcoholic who fantasizes being able to drink moderately. I have enough sober time now to understand just how insane the "stinkin' thinking" really gets. You start off about how you have had drinking issues since after your college years. Then you go on a very, very lengthy description about how you have attempted to drink moderately, make excuses for whatever, and then only to go back to binge drinking alone. I can't say for sure, but that post sounds very much like the thinking of an alcoholic who needs to get help.

You are NOT going to be able to do this alone. You're going to need help and you WILL keep doing this stuff until worse things happen in your life -- and then you will drink because that horrible thing happened, etc. -- it's just an ugly, vicious cycle that never ends. You need a plan of action. Whether it is AA, Women for Sobriety, or whatever. Just get yourself into a program or things will get worse for you. If you haven't been able to handle this problem for over 20 years, how do you think you are going to be able to deal with it now?

Somebody told me at an AA meeting yesterday that an alcoholic suffers a different type of insanity. The classic definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. The insanity of an alcoholic is doing the same thing, knowing intellectually that the results won't be different, yet they do it anyway. At least that was the case for me. Good luck and I hope you find some help for your situation.

SavingSelf

Thank you all so much for reading and responding to my posts. I greatly appreciate it. I need a new plan of action for sure or else nothing long term will change. It is very hard for me to get out of the lately. It takes a lot of coordination with my partner to get to therapy once a week. But I do believe that finding some type of group support would be helpful for me now.

Thanks again.

Itchy

SS,
Alcoholics are procrastinators. You have said you went out early which seems to be your touchstone. Did you think that you put off actually finding a support group for another day? Well, you messed up big time because you posted here, the biggest and best worldwide support group ever formed! Whatever you do to procrastinate is moot now. You done went and tapped into a support group that has all the info and living people who have been there to do it with SR only, or find out about more to add to your own personal recovery plan. I am not into religions and churches but found a great place forevery Sunday at 4 pm with my wonderful AA home group. I used AA for three months with here. Since then, two years, I pretty much only use SR, even though I am recovered. Having been there and being retired I have some time daily to pass it forward. I drank scotch in my first wake up coffee, two shots, to stop the shaking at the end and wanted only to escape alcohol after drinking all day and night for two years. I quit just in time.

The secret sauce for me was reading all the relapse stories here and admitting that I could never again have one drink, and did a 7 day in hosoital detox and quit a three pack a day smoking habit at the same time.

You are admitting today that you won't stop at one, and seem to be trying to take the time it takes you, to talk yourself into believing you can either drink normally or control it. This is classic relapse planning as people desperately want their high to continue. Ever read the lyrics to the Huey Lewis song "I Want A New Drug"?

I want a new drug*One that won't make me sick*One that won't make me crash my car*Or make me feel three feet thick*I want a new drug*One that won't hurt my head*One that won't make my mouth too dry*Or make my eyes too red*One that won't make me nervous*Wonderin' what to do*One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you*When I'm alone with you*I want a new drug*One that won't spill*One that don't cost too much or come in a pill. I want a new drug*One that won't go away*One that won't keep me up all night*One that won't make me sleep all day*One that won't make me nervous*Wonderin' what to do*One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you*When I'm alone with you*I'm alone with you baby*I want a new drug*One that does what it should*One that won't make me feel too bad*One that won't make me feel too good*I want a new drug*One with no doubt*One that won't make me talk too much*Or make my face break out*One that won't make me nervous*Wonderin' what to do*One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you*When I'm alone with you*All alone with you*All alone with you, yea, yea

Now substitute booze for when he says you. Like "One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with booze, all alone with booze." and read it again.

So you have one part of your recovery started, you are here. Keep reading, keep posting, and try everything until you have the combination that unlocks YOUR life.

SavingSelf

Thanks Itchy. I am a procrastinator when it comes to finding an AA group. I am not sure why that is. Both sides of my brain (the alcoholic side and the other side) have issues with a lot of the AA dogma. I know why the alcoholic side has issue, and that side is just fine and dandy with the other side disagreeing with the god part.

I think I was destined to be an alcoholic. When I was 12 I had an illness that required weekly blood draws. The labs made me dizzy. I was walking to the car with my mother after labs one day and commented that I felt dizzy (loopy really) and she said "Oh I'm sorry honey". And I looked up and honestly answered, "no, that's ok, I like the way this feels". And I did. She said, "Oh god forbid honey, don't say that". Perhaps she knew it wasn't a good thing to like to feel dizzy?

When I tried alcohol a few years later I suspected it probably wasn't a good thing after the first few sips.

Did I drink like a fish right from the start? No, probably not. But its been creeping up ever since with periods of sobriety in between. To this day I'm sure there are people who drink more than me.

In fact, reading your post Itchy--when you commented on drinking in the morning--well, I have never done that. Not yet anyway. My alcoholic brain says, "Oh look, you aren't that bad, you didn't drink in the morning". Nice try alcoholic brain.

For years when I suspected I had an issue I only drank every other night, or every third night. I was quite proud of this. In fact, I went on a website trying to stop drinking (not SR--can't remember which one now) and wondered to the group if I had a problem as I didn't drink EVERY night. It was probably at least 8 years ago now, if not longer. A very nice woman with a couple of years sobriety responded to me and said that eventually I would drink every night. I told her I wouldn't as I liked working out and needed to do that at least every other day. I really didn't think I would ever drink EVERY night.

This past year, I drank every night. Well, most nights. 6 out of 7 perhaps? In fact, rather than plan for when I could drink, I planned on when I couldn't drink (early appointment the next day for example). And then made sure to drink the night before that, so I didn't have to take two nights off in a row. For the first time, I was worried about physical withdrawal. Luckily that never happened. Not yet anyway.

I am sorry to keep repeating not yet anyway--but I feel I have to so I can remind myself that this thing is progressive. My brain wants me to forget that sometimes.

When I wanted to get pregnant I stopped drinking. And stayed stopped while pregnant and breastfeeding. It was easy.

But once I was done breastfeeding, that was when we first began to realize that there may be something wrong with our daughter. The testing began and when she was 2 she was diagnosed with the terminal illness.

I don't want to share too much about her here other than to say she is an amazing kid and has put up with more in her short life than I have in my entire 40 years. While I justified drinking at night while she slept this past year--there really is no justification.

Even if I feel a little hung over during the day, it's not fair to her. She deserves every inch of me and I try my best to give it to her every day. I have dedicated my life to her.

I know that my alcoholism is considered a "disease". But until you have watched something literally take your child from you bit by bit--it's just not the same type of disease. I have a choice to make about drinking. My child has been given no choice about her disease--yet there she is smiling at me every day--offering kisses and hugs.

I can use her illness and life as a reason to drink. Or, I can use it as a reason to stop.

I'm going to choose the later every time going forward. If I don't, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Thanks all.

Itchy

YW SS!
I don't call it a disease, I call it a dis-ease. You will never stop for another, not even an angel put in your care for a short time. Doesn't it occur to you that you deserve it for you?

Look I don't mean to come across as a zealot for AA. I am far from that. IN fact many of the AArs grudgingly admit that although I don't subscribe myself to long term AA membership, they have to agree that it is a terrific place to start for the crisis point and to get all the input from real people about local resources. I will always recommend them to Theists and Atheists alike as a safe starting point, and regardless of anybody saying the contrary, it is ideal for short term, medium term like me for a few months, and also the folks who feel better with the longer term. The folks that say they don't want to be recognized miss the point that anybody who recognizes you also is recognized by you. Check and mate for that objection. But if I had to do it again, knowing what I know now, I would do AA again for my early sobriety. And I did nothing the way most do. I never got a sponsor. But they love seeing me visit once a year, and I love seeing them again.

But do make it a point to go to a few meetings and if you don't like the one you pick first then try another as I would never have done one more meeting than my second one if they had been like the first group. Find a group in the part of town that reflects your comfort zone. I don't do churches and religion but mine meets in a church. No religion in the meeting unless you want to count the Lord's prayer which is OK by me. Do start to make it for you first, so you can be there for others second.

Once again welcome! You came to the right place!