Back to day one and devastated
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
Back to day one and devastated
My best friend died on Monday and I drank....and I haven't stopped. I hate myself as he was so proud of me for getting sober, and now I have ruined that memory. The irony-he was killed by a drunk driver. Why can I not be free of this evil? I want God to either help me or take me. Don't know what to do or who to turn to.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm really sorry for your loss BEB.
There's simply no sense in young people dying, especially that way.
Drinking solves nothing tho - it keeps us mired in our grief...if you're not careful you can get comfortable there and wallow in it.
Reach out for help - here and elsewhere...wherever and whenever you can find it.
don't let yourself go under.
D
There's simply no sense in young people dying, especially that way.
Drinking solves nothing tho - it keeps us mired in our grief...if you're not careful you can get comfortable there and wallow in it.
Reach out for help - here and elsewhere...wherever and whenever you can find it.
don't let yourself go under.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
I just don't believe I can fight this. I have been trying for a year. I love being sober...but there is so much pain in me I just can't cope with living sober. I go to AA but I am so ashamed that despite all their kindness I keep relapsing. I feel so desperate
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 83
Try not to be too hard on yourself, you did not ruin it, you can still do it! I think it's good you are on here. You are going through such a hard time right now, I'm so sorry!!! I get mad at myself about drinking too. My dad is an alcoholic, but has been sober 30 years after a bad car accident he was in. I feel disappointed in myself for drinking after I have seen what he has gone through with it. Hang in there, thinking of you!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I love being sober...but there is so much pain in me I just can't cope with living sober.
I had to work out my pain and baggage bit by bit...like peeling back an onion...some of the work I did myself, some of it I had help with (counsellors, friends, SR)...it took a long time, and took a lot of courage and support - but it was incredibly worth it.
I found I was most scared of fear itself.
When I forced myself to face things - when I deliberately did not pick the numbness option - yeah I was sad, yes it hurt - but it didn't destroy me like I was sure it would.
I found I was a lot stronger and more capable than I'd been giving myself credit for for 20 years.
You might find the same BEB?
No I attend AA and it has helped, but I can't go back again and admit defeat 
It's not about losing, it's the exact opposite
Everybody who's ever been a drinker like us understands relapse, BEB
Reach out
D
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by BlueEyedBoy 
No I attend AA and it has helped, but I can't go back again and admit defeat 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
I have had therapy, rehab (not for alcoholism but for anorexia), I have a loving family....yet despite all this I constantly fail. There is obviously something fundamentally wrong in me. I guess the only thing I can do is try again. Throw myself into AA. I don't know how many more relapses I have in me
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
HI, BlueEyedBoy.
I am sorry for your loss. Your pain is unbearable now, but it will ease some day (I know this, I've lost my parents and almost all my relatives). And you still have you life to live, and it's worth living.
And there is nothing wrong in admitting defeat. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, it makes you a strong person. He is lifeless who is faultless.
Take care.
I am sorry for your loss. Your pain is unbearable now, but it will ease some day (I know this, I've lost my parents and almost all my relatives). And you still have you life to live, and it's worth living.
And there is nothing wrong in admitting defeat. If you can admit that you've made a mistake, it makes you a strong person. He is lifeless who is faultless.
Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Sapling
You can't think like that....The only way you will be letting them down is by not going back. I have a simple question for you....Have you had a sponsor and started working the steps yet?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Here is a suggestion....You can take it or leave it. I would go to my meeting...When they ask for announcements before the meeting....I would say I am taking my white chip...And I am asking if someone here can take me through the steps as laid out in the Big Book. I think you might see some positive results from doing something like that. Just say if anyone is interested...See me after the meeting.
Spinning Sober
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 397
Originally Posted by BlueEyedBoy
No I attend AA and it has helped, but I can't go back again and admit defeat
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by BlueEyedBoy
I had a sponsor but he ended up hitting on me, so it ruined things. I want to work the steps as I am all too aware Step 1 typifies me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester
Posts: 179
My sponsor was the same sex as me....I think I need a heterosexual woman. I have no problem with God...and you are right I need to put my faith in Him and work at it. It can be a new day
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