Do you ever get closure with EXA
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Do you ever get closure with EXA
Do you ever get closure when you've left your alcoholic?
Its like you've given them the choice to drink or to not drink & continue your relationship?
Is that where the answer lies?
I am sad that there are so many alcoholics on SR that are willing & trying & suceeding in being sober, why couldn't my EXABY be one of those.
(Of course I am happy you are all going for it )
I feel like the relationship is just left hanging.
I wish he would just say no I'm not giving up drinking or yes I am going to.
Its like you've given them the choice to drink or to not drink & continue your relationship?
Is that where the answer lies?
I am sad that there are so many alcoholics on SR that are willing & trying & suceeding in being sober, why couldn't my EXABY be one of those.
(Of course I am happy you are all going for it )
I feel like the relationship is just left hanging.
I wish he would just say no I'm not giving up drinking or yes I am going to.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
I'm thinking that we wont ever get closure from them. I'm thinking that I'll always wonder, what happened? In my mind I have a fairly good idea of what is happening but it's just me speculating based on the little bit of information I have from observation. However what I can piece together still doesn't really give me closure as I can't understand it.
I think for me the only thing I will be able to do is move forward & look back eventually thinking "How sad, I wish it hadn't played out like this".
Sigh...
I think for me the only thing I will be able to do is move forward & look back eventually thinking "How sad, I wish it hadn't played out like this".
Sigh...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I don't know if you do ever get closure. I guess it probably depends on what you actually mean by closure, how you define it.
In a situation where somebody wronged me badly and hurt me terribly with her actions, I spent a lot of time wanting her to apologize, wanting her to understand just how much she had damaged me. My closure in that situation came when I realized that it, and I, just didn't matter to her. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about what happened and it would not make a bit of difference to her. I could just accept that she is who she is and did what she did, and let go of my attachment to the anger and need for her to be other than what she is. And that doesn't matter to her either!
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
In a situation where somebody wronged me badly and hurt me terribly with her actions, I spent a lot of time wanting her to apologize, wanting her to understand just how much she had damaged me. My closure in that situation came when I realized that it, and I, just didn't matter to her. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about what happened and it would not make a bit of difference to her. I could just accept that she is who she is and did what she did, and let go of my attachment to the anger and need for her to be other than what she is. And that doesn't matter to her either!
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
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That was helpful, thank you.
I guess closure is knowing yes he is still drinking & detroying all or no he is making steps to change.
He told me he's cut right down, was stuck in a rut & out of control & needed to focus & better himself.
After 1 week he was off to party with an ex in the weekend so I guess all was denial & lies? I asked if it wise as he may binge drink &
he said he wouldn't binge & he was in a rut living here & needed to go and see what it was like there. I kinda thought that might mean he will move away which is running away & not the answer for him.
I guess closure is knowing yes he is still drinking & detroying all or no he is making steps to change.
He told me he's cut right down, was stuck in a rut & out of control & needed to focus & better himself.
After 1 week he was off to party with an ex in the weekend so I guess all was denial & lies? I asked if it wise as he may binge drink &
he said he wouldn't binge & he was in a rut living here & needed to go and see what it was like there. I kinda thought that might mean he will move away which is running away & not the answer for him.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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The closure is you have to accept them for who they are or end the relationship. If you know you don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, that's the only answer.
We cannot change other people. They have to be willing to face their issues and become healthy on their own. Sucks but I spent a very long time negotiating this reality and now I just feel stupid that I spent so much time hoping he would change, worrying about him, nagging him, being angry, etc. I wish I could have spent that time on improving myself.
We cannot change other people. They have to be willing to face their issues and become healthy on their own. Sucks but I spent a very long time negotiating this reality and now I just feel stupid that I spent so much time hoping he would change, worrying about him, nagging him, being angry, etc. I wish I could have spent that time on improving myself.
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Originally Posted by Sueski 
I don't know if you do ever get closure. I guess it probably depends on what you actually mean by closure, how you define it.
In a situation where somebody wronged me badly and hurt me terribly with her actions, I spent a lot of time wanting her to apologize, wanting her to understand just how much she had damaged me. My closure in that situation came when I realized that it, and I, just didn't matter to her. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about what happened and it would not make a bit of difference to her. I could just accept that she is who she is and did what she did, and let go of my attachment to the anger and need for her to be other than what she is. And that doesn't matter to her either!
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
In a situation where somebody wronged me badly and hurt me terribly with her actions, I spent a lot of time wanting her to apologize, wanting her to understand just how much she had damaged me. My closure in that situation came when I realized that it, and I, just didn't matter to her. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about what happened and it would not make a bit of difference to her. I could just accept that she is who she is and did what she did, and let go of my attachment to the anger and need for her to be other than what she is. And that doesn't matter to her either!
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: AZ
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Originally Posted by Sueski
IIn a situation where somebody wronged me badly and hurt me terribly with her actions, I spent a lot of time wanting her to apologize, wanting her to understand just how much she had damaged me. My closure in that situation came when I realized that it, and I, just didn't matter to her. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about what happened and it would not make a bit of difference to her. I could just accept that she is who she is and did what she did, and let go of my attachment to the anger and need for her to be other than what she is. And that doesn't matter to her either!
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
The difference is that it's not eating me alive anymore. I don't know if that's a helpful way to frame it. For what it's worth, I'm still trying to apply this to the situation with my alcoholic husband.
Thank you for sharing, as I really needed to hear it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Closure comes with Acceptance of your own truth. If you are waiting for the other person to give it to you, you likely have a long wait. I've never had an alcoholic or addict validate my feelings, especially regarding a relationship. Many people use their "need for closure" to keep returning to a bad relationship. You can keep your chin up, decide that you are done, turn around, and walk away with dignity. Decide that you will put your SELF first. THAT is closure.
RIP Sweet Suki
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I believe closure is something you give yourself. Like L2L said, it is acceptance of what is and realization that there is nothing you can do to change what is, and willingness to move forward for yourself and your own well-being.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
I had spent a Sunday with my XAGF we had an incredible night. At the end of the evening I looked over at her, she was just staring at me. I asked "what is it?"
She replied "you are so special." She then laid a kiss on me. She had not kissed me like that since before she went into rehab.
She said "I love you."
I was on cloud nine!
Then as the days progressed she became colder and colder. By Thursday I could take no more and broke up with her. As she was leaving she told me that she was glad that I broke it off because she had met someone else in sober living. She then sped off.
I was incredibly stunned, hurt and angry. To tell me that, then just speed off.
I wanted to write her an email. I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to explain how hurt and broken she had left me.
I wanted closure.
I went over that letter again and again. Not wanting to send it until it was perfect.
By complete chance I ran into her at a gas station. We talked.
My perfect opportunity to express myself. For her to understand the hurt and pain she put me through. To finally get some closure.
So I said everything I wanted to say.
Now do you understand why I was so hurt I exclaimed?
"Uh Yeah I guess."
That was it. Hours of my time obsessing. Writing letters and driving myself crazy. All to get "Uh yeah I guess."
This is what they are capable of giving. This is how much they really care. We fool ourself into believing that they are spending as much time thinking about us the way we are thinking about them.
They are not!
They are selfish, self-centered, narcissists. And unless they go through major rewiring always will be.
We can have no expectations from them.
Change can only occur when we do as it says in the Al Anon literature "we lift the emphasis from the alcoholic and place it where we do have some power-over our own lives."
She replied "you are so special." She then laid a kiss on me. She had not kissed me like that since before she went into rehab.
She said "I love you."
I was on cloud nine!
Then as the days progressed she became colder and colder. By Thursday I could take no more and broke up with her. As she was leaving she told me that she was glad that I broke it off because she had met someone else in sober living. She then sped off.
I was incredibly stunned, hurt and angry. To tell me that, then just speed off.
I wanted to write her an email. I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to explain how hurt and broken she had left me.
I wanted closure.
I went over that letter again and again. Not wanting to send it until it was perfect.
By complete chance I ran into her at a gas station. We talked.
My perfect opportunity to express myself. For her to understand the hurt and pain she put me through. To finally get some closure.
So I said everything I wanted to say.
Now do you understand why I was so hurt I exclaimed?
"Uh Yeah I guess."
That was it. Hours of my time obsessing. Writing letters and driving myself crazy. All to get "Uh yeah I guess."
This is what they are capable of giving. This is how much they really care. We fool ourself into believing that they are spending as much time thinking about us the way we are thinking about them.
They are not!
They are selfish, self-centered, narcissists. And unless they go through major rewiring always will be.
We can have no expectations from them.
Change can only occur when we do as it says in the Al Anon literature "we lift the emphasis from the alcoholic and place it where we do have some power-over our own lives."
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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"Change can only occur when we do as it says in the Al Anon literature "we lift the emphasis from the alcoholic and place it where we do have some power-over our own lives."
It is all up to us, I have this quote on my fridge, helps keep me focused. Thanks for posting.
It is all up to us, I have this quote on my fridge, helps keep me focused. Thanks for posting.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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When we focus on the A/Addict we give them ALL of our power, when we focus on ourselves we own our power to make choices in OUR best interests and move forward.
That's the only way we get closure is by working on ourselves.
In a situation that I am in now, in the past I would have been going around thinking "what is wrong with me?" (Taking it very personally) I'm not doing that, I'm thinking "This has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is not even about me."And I truly know it and believe it.
Alcoholism is alcoholism is alcoholism, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
That's the only way we get closure is by working on ourselves.
In a situation that I am in now, in the past I would have been going around thinking "what is wrong with me?" (Taking it very personally) I'm not doing that, I'm thinking "This has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is not even about me."And I truly know it and believe it.
Alcoholism is alcoholism is alcoholism, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
First, let me say that I am truly sorry for all who continue to suffer from having been hurt by addicts of any kind, and I truly wish that I could more than "I am sorry". So, perhaps this bit will help slightly, it is only my opinion.
I think that the need for closure applies to anyone who has gone through a terribly painful experience, not just to people who have had painful experiences with an addict of any kind. That is to say that, for example, someone who has gone through a divorce has experienced terrible pain, and to go on to a point where life can be lived fully, one must put it behind them, perhaps through therapy, perhaps through recovery groups, maybe allowing oneself time to grieve (which in essence it is), whatever. The point is to no longer allow that person or thoughts of that person to rule your life, to hopefully get to a point of indifference whereby any reminder of that person no longer effects you. My point is that almost everyone has gone through a terrible experience of some sort, and many or most have dealt with it in a manner which has allowed them to go to a fufilling life. To me, that is what is meant by closure. All the best to those suffering, and in hopes that you do find the strength to go on-----Rick
I think that the need for closure applies to anyone who has gone through a terribly painful experience, not just to people who have had painful experiences with an addict of any kind. That is to say that, for example, someone who has gone through a divorce has experienced terrible pain, and to go on to a point where life can be lived fully, one must put it behind them, perhaps through therapy, perhaps through recovery groups, maybe allowing oneself time to grieve (which in essence it is), whatever. The point is to no longer allow that person or thoughts of that person to rule your life, to hopefully get to a point of indifference whereby any reminder of that person no longer effects you. My point is that almost everyone has gone through a terrible experience of some sort, and many or most have dealt with it in a manner which has allowed them to go to a fufilling life. To me, that is what is meant by closure. All the best to those suffering, and in hopes that you do find the strength to go on-----Rick
Last edited by ricmcc; 10-21-2012 at 05:44 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
Do you ever get closure when you've left your alcoholic?
Its like you've given them the choice to drink or to not drink & continue your relationship?
Is that where the answer lies?
I am sad that there are so many alcoholics on SR that are willing & trying & suceeding in being sober, why couldn't my EXABY be one of those.
(Of course I am happy you are all going for it )
I feel like the relationship is just left hanging.
I wish he would just say no I'm not giving up drinking or yes I am going to.
Its like you've given them the choice to drink or to not drink & continue your relationship?
Is that where the answer lies?
I am sad that there are so many alcoholics on SR that are willing & trying & suceeding in being sober, why couldn't my EXABY be one of those.
(Of course I am happy you are all going for it )
I feel like the relationship is just left hanging.
I wish he would just say no I'm not giving up drinking or yes I am going to.
And relationships with them are so crazy making we spend a lot of time trying to unravel the mysteries of the "whys" and "hows" it all came to be. So many of us spend years trying to find the just the right words, just the right drugs, doctors, programs, therapists, programs that will unlock the mystery of the "solution" and we will live happily ever after.
And the most frustrating alcoholics are the ones that ON THE SURFACE appear to be "willing and trying and succeeding in being sober" because when things get too hot or the enabler has finally cut the ties they make recovery noises or even check themselves into a residential program.
Rosiepetal,
when you read posts and the poster is so optimistic and hopeful and their A is attending AA or went into 30 day rehab that is just one chapter in the story... more will be revealed.
My A spent 4 years stringing me along in and out of rehabs and was always in a stage of relapse, detox, sobriety... rinse and repeat over and over again.
If you read my posts 2 years ago you would have thought I had the perfect RA and the perfect life!
A lifetime of loving an A, recovered or not, has many challenges and is never an easy path. Very few really make it to a place of emotional health where they can be a loving, unselfish parter in the "normie" sense of understanding.
So... when you are reading the posts from partners whose A's are not drinking remember that some of these A's are just going through the motions and are not in real spiritual lifelong recovery and "more will be revealed".
Some A's are like mine and they just rollercoaster back and forth between sobriety and relapse and only a jail or hospital bed stops the slide into destruction or death. They simply love to drink too much to stop and they will chameleon recovery in order to keep their enablers hostage.
And some A's are serious and DO want to stop drinking more than they want the next drink. Some are willing to work their tails off in a real program diligently and some do make it.
A very, very small minority. A shocking small amount of A's make it out of addiction. Yet... we often choose to knowingly hitch our wagon to their star that is very likely going to fall back to earth in flames. We get burned over and over and over again... the writing is all over the walls but we keep going back to the stove and putting our hand on the hot burner!
Going to the hardware store for bread over and over again!
I hope that helps you in some way. I personally would never believe it while I was living it... I was SURE my A was UNIQUE and my relationship was unique... we both were terminally unique!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by Earthworm
When we focus on the A/Addict we give them ALL of our power, when we focus on ourselves we own our power to make choices in OUR best interests and move forward.
That's the only way we get closure is by working on ourselves.
In a situation that I am in now, in the past I would have been going around thinking "what is wrong with me?" (Taking it very personally) I'm not doing that, I'm thinking "This has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is not even about me."And I truly know it and believe it.
Alcoholism is alcoholism is alcoholism, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
That's the only way we get closure is by working on ourselves.
In a situation that I am in now, in the past I would have been going around thinking "what is wrong with me?" (Taking it very personally) I'm not doing that, I'm thinking "This has absolutely nothing to do with me, it is not even about me."And I truly know it and believe it.
Alcoholism is alcoholism is alcoholism, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Yes, you can get closure.
I was married to a severe alcoholic for 14 years and had 3 children with him. We split in 2001-2002 and had one of those hell divorces alkies are so good at producing. In 2004 I moved out of state and cut all contact off with him.
I don't care one bit what happens to him, don't care to know, don't care if he gets better or worse, don't care why, don't care if he 'understands' what he did, don't care if he's happy or sad, don't care, don't care, don't care.
To me that's closure.
Found out this summer that he is still very angry, vengeful and blaming of me. That's just a wonderment to me. What a waste of emotion and thought. And isn't that what the alcohol is for: to blot out the unpleasantness of life? Guess it's not working, but...I don't care.
I was married to a severe alcoholic for 14 years and had 3 children with him. We split in 2001-2002 and had one of those hell divorces alkies are so good at producing. In 2004 I moved out of state and cut all contact off with him.
I don't care one bit what happens to him, don't care to know, don't care if he gets better or worse, don't care why, don't care if he 'understands' what he did, don't care if he's happy or sad, don't care, don't care, don't care.
To me that's closure.
Found out this summer that he is still very angry, vengeful and blaming of me. That's just a wonderment to me. What a waste of emotion and thought. And isn't that what the alcohol is for: to blot out the unpleasantness of life? Guess it's not working, but...I don't care.
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