Do you ever get closure with EXA
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
In all honesty , for me, the only closure there is, is that alcoholism, addiction and co dependency are the cause , understanding these dynamics, educating ourselves about these diseases, acting, taking charge or our lives, calling ******** ******** and getting down and dirty about taking care of ourselves, being proactive about a healthy lifestyle and healthy emotions is the only way we will ever get closure.
There is absolutely no closure to be had with the chaos and damage done to us and the addict in our relationships.
You can not get closure on issues that come about due to this hurricane, you can only learn, bit by bit, how to come out of this with a new sense of self. As a co dependent, I see, that I have a chance to a good and happy future, there is no future for those that we love that continue to be in active addiction. If we keep putting our finger on the hot coals, we will continue to get burnt. I can now relate every single word, action, that was hurtful and wounding to me to drinking. My buttons were pushed, they were being pushed by a shot of vodka, my exabf was not the person I loved when he was drinking. He was a monster, I could not help him, only myself.
I allowed myself to get caught up, knowing somewhere deep down inside, everytime I engaged with him, that it would end in devastation, and it always did.
Now, everytime I think about things, or ask why, the answer always is, addiction. Until the addiction is out of our lives, there is no closure.
The self work is the answer, but always know, that the reason they behave the way they do is because, they are sick, their minds, their bodies, their brains, their spirit is sick.
There is absolutely no closure to be had with the chaos and damage done to us and the addict in our relationships.
You can not get closure on issues that come about due to this hurricane, you can only learn, bit by bit, how to come out of this with a new sense of self. As a co dependent, I see, that I have a chance to a good and happy future, there is no future for those that we love that continue to be in active addiction. If we keep putting our finger on the hot coals, we will continue to get burnt. I can now relate every single word, action, that was hurtful and wounding to me to drinking. My buttons were pushed, they were being pushed by a shot of vodka, my exabf was not the person I loved when he was drinking. He was a monster, I could not help him, only myself.
I allowed myself to get caught up, knowing somewhere deep down inside, everytime I engaged with him, that it would end in devastation, and it always did.
Now, everytime I think about things, or ask why, the answer always is, addiction. Until the addiction is out of our lives, there is no closure.
The self work is the answer, but always know, that the reason they behave the way they do is because, they are sick, their minds, their bodies, their brains, their spirit is sick.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Good thread for me at the moment. I've had some minor contact with my EXAF. Finally asked the only question that would ever lead to consideration of a continued relationship: "Do you still want to hold on to your choice to drink?". His answer was yes. My answer is no.
His desire/need to keep his relationship with alcohol has cost him his relationship with me and my family (as well as with his ex-wife and kids). Sad, but his choice. My choice, too.
My closure came in the form of realizing that he is not capable of sustaining a relationship, and he has no desire to pursue sobriety. It's just not what he wants from his life. He is entitled to live his life as he chooses. So am I.
In my opinion, he's delusional about his ability to "control" his drinking. But that is not my problem. I DO have the ability to control MY life, and I'd like to find a partner with the emotional and social skill set to BE a partner.
No use looking in the hardware store!
.
Sad, but reality.
Best to all.
His desire/need to keep his relationship with alcohol has cost him his relationship with me and my family (as well as with his ex-wife and kids). Sad, but his choice. My choice, too.
My closure came in the form of realizing that he is not capable of sustaining a relationship, and he has no desire to pursue sobriety. It's just not what he wants from his life. He is entitled to live his life as he chooses. So am I.
In my opinion, he's delusional about his ability to "control" his drinking. But that is not my problem. I DO have the ability to control MY life, and I'd like to find a partner with the emotional and social skill set to BE a partner.
No use looking in the hardware store!
.Sad, but reality.
Best to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am sad that there are so many alcoholics on SR that are willing & trying & succeeding in being sober, why couldn't my EXABY be one of those.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
Well.
This is a pickle.
I'm sorry you've been left hanging... Sometimes if feels as if the person just got up from the table and walked right out of the house of our life and left the front door wide open.
And really, the only thing at that point you can do is muster up the strength and commitment to get up and shut the door yourself.
Do it for you. Make your own closure, because trying to figure out the Why will drive you bonkers.
Trust I would know, lol.
But we love you! keep posting as much as you like, we're here to listen and offer a shoulder if we can...
This is a pickle.
I'm sorry you've been left hanging... Sometimes if feels as if the person just got up from the table and walked right out of the house of our life and left the front door wide open.
And really, the only thing at that point you can do is muster up the strength and commitment to get up and shut the door yourself.
Do it for you. Make your own closure, because trying to figure out the Why will drive you bonkers.
Trust I would know, lol.
But we love you! keep posting as much as you like, we're here to listen and offer a shoulder if we can...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Closure comes with Acceptance of your own truth. If you are waiting for the other person to give it to you, you likely have a long wait. I've never had an alcoholic or addict validate my feelings, especially regarding a relationship. Many people use their "need for closure" to keep returning to a bad relationship. You can keep your chin up, decide that you are done, turn around, and walk away with dignity. Decide that you will put your SELF first. THAT is closure.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great thread
I love it when I feel I am getting my own power back.
It also has happened to me, when I let go of someone, I feel lighter, less sad, less angry. And I realize I am also giving back to the person their own toxicity. It was not mine in the first place.
Although to me this sounds like an exercise that lasts a lifetime...
I love it when I feel I am getting my own power back.
It also has happened to me, when I let go of someone, I feel lighter, less sad, less angry. And I realize I am also giving back to the person their own toxicity. It was not mine in the first place.
Although to me this sounds like an exercise that lasts a lifetime...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Letting go of the fantasy that another person changed by magic, from one day to the other, is one good way for me to get closure.
Remembering how I felt. I am convinced the only people that change are giving it all their effort and it still takes years/decades. I feel these people are rare.
Remembering how I felt. I am convinced the only people that change are giving it all their effort and it still takes years/decades. I feel these people are rare.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
soexhausted I went through exactly the same thing.
If you
drink with them,
have sex with them while they are drunk,
help carry them to the car,
drive for them,
laugh at their drunken jokes,
nurse them during the hangover,
in other words.. ENABLE them... OMG! you are the most loved person on Earth.
If you refuse to participate in their alcoholism, you basically cease to exist (for them).
Very sad state of affairs (for them), my mourning lasted years but now that I have some time and space away I realize I am worth way more than that.
It was a nightmare.
If you
drink with them,
have sex with them while they are drunk,
help carry them to the car,
drive for them,
laugh at their drunken jokes,
nurse them during the hangover,
in other words.. ENABLE them... OMG! you are the most loved person on Earth.
If you refuse to participate in their alcoholism, you basically cease to exist (for them).
Very sad state of affairs (for them), my mourning lasted years but now that I have some time and space away I realize I am worth way more than that.
It was a nightmare.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Wow - you just put into words what I'm sitting here crying over. I am so sad but yet I know that by him walking away from me hurts more than I can express, he really did me a favor, still have not claimed that favor since for some reason I want him back, its sick that I would say that after all the chaos but in my head I know we’ll never get back together. I’m in the tug of war right now with my head and heart they are not matching and I'm in the midst of trying to reclaim my life that went from successful to I don't know who I am anymore, no job, just moved home after we lost our apartment from him being unwilling to pay any of the bills. All in a year in a half I fallen this far. It hurts and I know it can only get better and reading all of these posts I see eventually I will be okay. Eventually I will stop crying, and my heart will mend in that spot that feels empty. So thank you for putting it into words.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I think it is part of our human nature to want closure, and lack of it is painful for a time (possibly a very long time). I don’t know that I have closure as much as I have serenity knowing I’m in a better place. Sometimes I don’t want to accept this place I’m in until I once again remind myself it absolutely is the better place…kudos to all of us! We have to bring our own closure…and it will come in its own time. An interesting part is sharing can help bring closure 
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