Hurt and angry, can't get past it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Hurt and angry, can't get past it
I have so much anger and hurt welling up, I don't know what to do with it. I also am home bound a lot at the moment as I'm in a cast still from an ankle op and can't really go out and take my mind of things so I'm dwelling and finding it hard to let some things go so would really appreciate some perspective here, as I know if I was out and about getting on with my life, I'd be feeling better.
I've ignored messages over the last few weeks from XABF asking how I am as I know it's a hook and I know contact is just going to set me back and cause me pain.
In an exchange about a practical matter that is almost sorted now, thankfully, my X asked how my operation went and how I was in general. I would love to reply and tell him how I really feel.
I want to tell him that i feel so hurt by the fact that he hasn't once bothered to say sorry that he left me with a debt for a car I didn't want. I knew he'd be in too much of a mess to sort it out but I never thought he'd just take it for granted and assume that was part of the package. I feel so stupid.
I want to tell him his behaviour makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. That there is no point asking me how I am and wishing me all great things blah blah blah and that it means nothing if he can't summon the courage and balls to admit he's left me in a situation that isn't fair. It's like he's just glossed over all that and worked out a rationale to make it all ok. He got arrested for a DUI so I took back the car (long winded story but he needed it for work and up until that point had honoured all payments bar one). I took it back as it was the only asset I had against the loan and I didn't trust him and I didn't believe him when he said he was innocent. Also, he wasn't making any signs of paying for it, as we'd agreed. So I become the bad guy - i'm 'fxxxing him over'. Months later, I expect in his head, I have the car now (despite not being able to drive it while in a cast!) so he doesn't owe me anything.
I keep telling myself, I'm not going to get the answer I want from telling him these things but i want him to know I'm angry, that I know the score and that he does deep down I deserve more. I know this is pointless, I give myself a talking to whenever I feel the urge. I tell myself, what if he then apologises and says all the above? It will only be because I've pointed it out. It won't be genuine so nothing changes. Is this what they call looking for bread in the hardware shop?
i'm just stuck at the moment so if i'd really appreciate it if someone could give me a bit of perspective. Would it be so bad if I replied one last time and just got it all off my chest? Or am I just going to feel so much worse?
I've ignored messages over the last few weeks from XABF asking how I am as I know it's a hook and I know contact is just going to set me back and cause me pain.
In an exchange about a practical matter that is almost sorted now, thankfully, my X asked how my operation went and how I was in general. I would love to reply and tell him how I really feel.
I want to tell him that i feel so hurt by the fact that he hasn't once bothered to say sorry that he left me with a debt for a car I didn't want. I knew he'd be in too much of a mess to sort it out but I never thought he'd just take it for granted and assume that was part of the package. I feel so stupid.
I want to tell him his behaviour makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. That there is no point asking me how I am and wishing me all great things blah blah blah and that it means nothing if he can't summon the courage and balls to admit he's left me in a situation that isn't fair. It's like he's just glossed over all that and worked out a rationale to make it all ok. He got arrested for a DUI so I took back the car (long winded story but he needed it for work and up until that point had honoured all payments bar one). I took it back as it was the only asset I had against the loan and I didn't trust him and I didn't believe him when he said he was innocent. Also, he wasn't making any signs of paying for it, as we'd agreed. So I become the bad guy - i'm 'fxxxing him over'. Months later, I expect in his head, I have the car now (despite not being able to drive it while in a cast!) so he doesn't owe me anything.
I keep telling myself, I'm not going to get the answer I want from telling him these things but i want him to know I'm angry, that I know the score and that he does deep down I deserve more. I know this is pointless, I give myself a talking to whenever I feel the urge. I tell myself, what if he then apologises and says all the above? It will only be because I've pointed it out. It won't be genuine so nothing changes. Is this what they call looking for bread in the hardware shop?
i'm just stuck at the moment so if i'd really appreciate it if someone could give me a bit of perspective. Would it be so bad if I replied one last time and just got it all off my chest? Or am I just going to feel so much worse?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Anon12 
I tell myself, what if he then apologises and says all the above? It will only be because I've pointed it out. It won't be genuine so nothing changes.
I am very sorry for all you are going through but I admire your strength and thoughtfulness through a very trying time. What if you wrote all those things down, but didn't send it? You acknowledge you would be in a better place if you were not stuck at home so much recovering from your surgery. What if you waited until you were in a better place to decide whether you needed to send it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thanks sparklekitty, you're right - I don't have to decide now. Hopefully by the time I get out and about, I will get past this. I find it hard to not reply to the 'how are you' but guess that is NC so I need to stick to it...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Anon12
I have so much anger and hurt welling up, I don't know what to do with it. I also am home bound a lot at the moment as I'm in a cast still from an ankle op and can't really go out and take my mind of things so I'm dwelling and finding it hard to let some things go so would really appreciate some perspective here, as I know if I was out and about getting on with my life, I'd be feeling better.
I've ignored messages over the last few weeks from XABF asking how I am as I know it's a hook and I know contact is just going to set me back and cause me pain.
In an exchange about a practical matter that is almost sorted now, thankfully, my X asked how my operation went and how I was in general. I would love to reply and tell him how I really feel.
I want to tell him that i feel so hurt by the fact that he hasn't once bothered to say sorry that he left me with a debt for a car I didn't want. I knew he'd be in too much of a mess to sort it out but I never thought he'd just take it for granted and assume that was part of the package. I feel so stupid.
I want to tell him his behaviour makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. That there is no point asking me how I am and wishing me all great things blah blah blah and that it means nothing if he can't summon the courage and balls to admit he's left me in a situation that isn't fair. It's like he's just glossed over all that and worked out a rationale to make it all ok. He got arrested for a DUI so I took back the car (long winded story but he needed it for work and up until that point had honoured all payments bar one). I took it back as it was the only asset I had against the loan and I didn't trust him and I didn't believe him when he said he was innocent. Also, he wasn't making any signs of paying for it, as we'd agreed. So I become the bad guy - i'm 'fxxxing him over'. Months later, I expect in his head, I have the car now (despite not being able to drive it while in a cast!) so he doesn't owe me anything.
I keep telling myself, I'm not going to get the answer I want from telling him these things but i want him to know I'm angry, that I know the score and that he does deep down I deserve more. I know this is pointless, I give myself a talking to whenever I feel the urge. I tell myself, what if he then apologises and says all the above? It will only be because I've pointed it out. It won't be genuine so nothing changes. Is this what they call looking for bread in the hardware shop?
i'm just stuck at the moment so if i'd really appreciate it if someone could give me a bit of perspective. Would it be so bad if I replied one last time and just got it all off my chest? Or am I just going to feel so much worse?
I've ignored messages over the last few weeks from XABF asking how I am as I know it's a hook and I know contact is just going to set me back and cause me pain.
In an exchange about a practical matter that is almost sorted now, thankfully, my X asked how my operation went and how I was in general. I would love to reply and tell him how I really feel.
I want to tell him that i feel so hurt by the fact that he hasn't once bothered to say sorry that he left me with a debt for a car I didn't want. I knew he'd be in too much of a mess to sort it out but I never thought he'd just take it for granted and assume that was part of the package. I feel so stupid.
I want to tell him his behaviour makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. That there is no point asking me how I am and wishing me all great things blah blah blah and that it means nothing if he can't summon the courage and balls to admit he's left me in a situation that isn't fair. It's like he's just glossed over all that and worked out a rationale to make it all ok. He got arrested for a DUI so I took back the car (long winded story but he needed it for work and up until that point had honoured all payments bar one). I took it back as it was the only asset I had against the loan and I didn't trust him and I didn't believe him when he said he was innocent. Also, he wasn't making any signs of paying for it, as we'd agreed. So I become the bad guy - i'm 'fxxxing him over'. Months later, I expect in his head, I have the car now (despite not being able to drive it while in a cast!) so he doesn't owe me anything.
I keep telling myself, I'm not going to get the answer I want from telling him these things but i want him to know I'm angry, that I know the score and that he does deep down I deserve more. I know this is pointless, I give myself a talking to whenever I feel the urge. I tell myself, what if he then apologises and says all the above? It will only be because I've pointed it out. It won't be genuine so nothing changes. Is this what they call looking for bread in the hardware shop?
i'm just stuck at the moment so if i'd really appreciate it if someone could give me a bit of perspective. Would it be so bad if I replied one last time and just got it all off my chest? Or am I just going to feel so much worse?
My A doesnt tell me things I want to hear. He doesnt say he is sorry. He simply doesnt acknowledge my feelings when it comes to his mess ups. He completely ignores it until I give up.
It used to bother me, hurt my feelings, but now I am learning what detachment means and that is where I am at.
Perhaps thats what you need to do, is learn how to detach emotionally. Because, my guess is that you will not get the response you are looking for and it will probably hurt you more in the long run.
Its almost as if I am numb to him when it comes to emotions. Its a strange feeling.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hey you!!!! The only thing I will caution you on is this,
it is very likely if you tell him how you feel, he will find a way to make you feel worse.
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, it's so hard.
Sounds like any contact just opens this wound up again.
Keep posting, hope you heal up quickly. Love to you Katie
it is very likely if you tell him how you feel, he will find a way to make you feel worse.
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, it's so hard.
Sounds like any contact just opens this wound up again.
Keep posting, hope you heal up quickly. Love to you Katie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I feel for you. I went homeless in August thanks to the bad decisions I made to stay with my EX-Alcholic. He is now back with his ex-girlfriend that he had a kid with 10 years ago and will not talk to me. I have debt like crazy and just crushed he would go back to her, but she is an alcholic to and I am not. So she will drink with him and he can see his kid, so sick in so many way but yet I miss him. So I'm learning to emotionally detach and now he will not take my calls or texts since I cannot stop asking him for what I need and that is I'm sorry to me and also money to help me get back on my feet. How in a year in a half I went from employed, owning a home to on he streets for two months to now back in my home I own with no job praying, searching for ways to make it so I don't loose this to. Take care of yourself and being on this website has helped me know I'm not alone in hurting and just being a human being full of love.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hydrogirl has a brilliant saying,
"Do not ever mistake my silence for ignorance,
My calmness for acceptance,
Or, my kindness for weakness".
I wrote it down and read it when I have to deal with a certain somebody.
"Do not ever mistake my silence for ignorance,
My calmness for acceptance,
Or, my kindness for weakness".
I wrote it down and read it when I have to deal with a certain somebody.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Hollyanne
Hydrogirl has a brilliant saying,
"Do not ever mistake my silence for ignorance,
My calmness for acceptance,
Or, my kindness for weakness".
I wrote it down and read it when I have to deal with a certain somebody.
"Do not ever mistake my silence for ignorance,
My calmness for acceptance,
Or, my kindness for weakness".
I wrote it down and read it when I have to deal with a certain somebody.
Going to steal!!!!!! thanks for sharing!!!!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
It will be ignored.
Or, it will be dismissed out of hand.
Or, it will be minimized or "justified."
Or, it will be noted but buried with all other sorts of "comebacks."
Or, . . . after months or years of some "recovery," it will be listed as a regret.
Or, . . . after years and years of truly working recovery, there may be a true apology and amends.
Or, it will be dismissed out of hand.
Or, it will be minimized or "justified."
Or, it will be noted but buried with all other sorts of "comebacks."
Or, . . . after months or years of some "recovery," it will be listed as a regret.
Or, . . . after years and years of truly working recovery, there may be a true apology and amends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you for everyone's posts - I'm glad I didn't respond and then regret it. It's stupid but I feel rude leaving the question hanging of how I am. If i dont let rip, i spend far too much time wondering how i can be civil but ensure it doesn't lead anywhere. But that just let's him off the hook. I know I have to ignore it but its hard. Thank you again for the perspective. Three more weeks til no crutches so light at the end of the tunnel!
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