soexhausted

My AXGF went into detox then rehab about 53 days ago.
She had cut her knee and wanted me to take her to the doctor. When I arrived at her apartment she was drunk. I had taken her to the ER on 3 different occasions and had told her that I would never again take her to see a doctor for anything alcohol related. She had been spiraling out of control for months.
I said I will not take you to a regular doctor. The only doctor that I would take her to see was at a detox facility. She told me to screw off. I told her that I was going to give her two choices, that she let me take her to detox or she die alone in this apartment without me. Once again she told me to screw off.
As I was out the door I turned around and asked her one more time, do I take you to detox? Or do you die alone in this apartment? I said that I can no longer be here to watch you kill yourself. It will just destroy me as well.
She asked me to please come back in. She does not want to die and will go to detox.
I literally had to carry her out to the car. Then carry her into the hospital.
Thank God for Al Anon who gave me the strength to stand strong.
She made the 5 days in detox. Then chose to go to a 30 day rehab. And is now living in sober living. She has never had more then 14 days sober in over 17 years of drinking. So this is monumental for her.
She looks great. She seems happy. And she loves all of her new sober girlfriends.
We have been in each others life for about 9 years. 8 as friends. then the last year as more then friends.
Now you ask why am I so distraught?
The first week that I visited her in rehab she informed me that we can only be friends. She has to be relationship free for her sobriety. She even told me to start dating. Now every counselor told me that you cannot listen or take personally anything they have to say during this process. So I did not reply.
Now that she is in sober living we have still never addressed where we stand. When we are together we still have a great time but it seems like she can't wait to leave me and go back to her house. And is hesitant about making a plan to see me again.
I keep thinking that maybe she met someone else. I know this sounds paranoid that in two weeks out of rehab she already found another man. But my mind is going crazy trying to figure her out.
She also might be getting advise not to see me. Maybe they think we are codependent. But I was never part of her drinking.
I have wanted to bring all this up with her but was advised not too. That she is still way to early in her recovery to rationally deal with this.
Do I consider myself single or not?
Do I bring up me feelings or not?
Do I just give her time and space or not?
I am totally confused!

dollydo

She is as confused as you are, right now her brain is mush and will be for some time. She needs to find her sober self and become mentally and physically healthy.

If it were me, I'd give her some space, let her concentrate on her recovery.

The relationship is changing, if it is mean't to be...it will happen.

You sound like a caring person, I am sorry that you are upset.

redatlanta

I live with an A but am new in dealing with active drinking so I cannot advise you in that.

I can give you this advice though - things are seldom as complicated as we would like them to be when they don't go the way we want them to go. She said consider yourself single.

Consider yourself single.

While I am sure it is very painful, getting sober is a mountain she is going to have to climb alone.

As far as your feelings, I am afraid the response you will get is not what you are hoping for it might even seem selfish. Bottom line if she is serious about her recovery what you are feeling and what you want just aren't priority.

Al anon is a great place for you right now, I just started going and am enjoying the relief in finding others who relate and working on myself.

Peace be with you friend - wish you the best.

soexhausted

Redatlanta, I do understand that I must go with what she says.
Where it keeps getting confusing is when I give her the space that she is asking for by not calling she will then call me and ask why I have not called?
She will ask if I am mad at her?
She will tell me she loves and misses me.
Then as soon as we get together she will become distant.
It always seems that which ever direction I go it is the wrong one.

dollydo

Her mind is all confused and generally muddled, it will take time for her to get her mind back on board. Until she does, her thoughts will be jumping all over the place.

Be patient, understand that this recovery will take time...a long time,

Titanic

Here are a couple of things the rules they give people in rehab: No big decisions/changes and no new relationships during the first year of recovery, which starts the day you are in the "real world" again. No fraternization in rehab. No 13th stepping in AA/NA. No switching of addictions including: drinks, drugs, food, and men/women. Sobriety is your number 1 priority. Without it, you're dead ... essentially. Relationships are NOT a top priority. It's like a big time-out for recovery, or bye weeks of time.

And there are many, many, many violators and violations. A great number of the violators relapse.

Keep all of that in mind.

And ACCEPT what is for now rather than any labels such as single, boyfriend, etc.

Please keep going to Al-Anon!

webber1

I empathize

To me its absolute rubbish.. The partner who never drank never got involved in her drinking has to be collateral damage.

AA is hardly a fool proof recovery method yet to me it seems such a convient reason to justify someones recovery( or lack thereof) by saying you should be single.. my 2 friend who both have been sober for 10 years never did AA and really only got through by the love/support of there partner .

You should walk away as its not the way to treat someone ... They will give you every excuse but really what does it say about them.. THERE STILL SELFISH.. And yes it hurts but if shes at that stage shes listening to every quack etc i'm afraid your low on the list..

take care

redatlanta

So - I do really have a lot of compassion for you in this situation.

The tug of war of pushing you away then pulling you back then acting strange when you are together is not (to me) just an attribute of addictive persons but an action seen in many relationships that are going through a break up or a traumatic event.

Its also codependant behavior - the ups and downs of being rewarded by her wanting and needing you then shunned later. And you keep coming back for more. Very destructive to you. If she called right now and said "I need you" would you drop anything you were doing, no matter how important, to go to her?

I think instead of analyzing her behavior perhaps you should start thinking about your own.

Here is a little more food for thought. She being a long time alcoholic, and now sober - She is walking in the world with new eyes, new sensations, new thoughts, new reactions, its not all going to be fun. Even the simplest of tasks might seem daunting as they were always done while drunk. This I learned from my AH whom I did not know when he was active or recovering. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, its is a mask. Its great for those with anxiety because it lets them be able to do and be how they aren't. For mine, he ended up having to move away from teh area he had lived in for 20 years because it was (probably) too tempting but he also said he just couldn't operate in a normal functioning manner for even simple things like going to the grocery or taking care of the lawn - tasks that were always done while intoxicated. Still 9 years later some things are still nerve wracking for him.

As I have said before I am no expert here - relapse is something we are dealing with now on a small scale but I know what's coming. I can tell you only about my situation it does seem to not be only mine. Sobriety in itself does not change everything. The core personality of an addict remains on some level and it takes a long, long time to change if it ever does. I would imagine the longer the time of addiction the worse that it is. And mine still has his addictions - but its to things and they change. Golf, golf, golf everything golf then he got bored. Next was target shooting, then he got bored, next was fixing up everything on his car he finished that so it wasn't about boredom. Its even with food - Lucky Charms cereal currently. I wish he would get addicted to cleaning the house but that hasn't happened so far lmao.

I have gone on quite a bit with more info than you were probably looking for. The moral of the story is you really need to be aware of what life with a former addict or alcoholic is like. Its a very different ride my friend.

SparkleKitty

I think you need to give her time and space, but more importantly, you need to give YOURSELF time and space. You sound very wrapped up in all of her business right now, but she is not capable of giving anything to your relatioinship, however it is defined. You are looking for concrete answers in a quicksand world. If this is someone you should be with, then it will happen in time. But, like, a LOT of time. Enough time for you both to come atthe relationship with clear wants and reasonable expectations of having your needs met. I wish you strength and peace.

soexhausted

After going to an Al Anon meeting last night it made me think.
She has a new life and that scares me.
I thought I had worked step one, but I am in denial. I thought that I had admitted my powerlessness over her but I clearly have not.
She does not need me like she used too. She has support now. She no longer has to run every aspect of her life by me. She now has others. And even though intellectually I know that this is what is best for her, emotionally I am having a very hard time with it.
THIS IS MY DISEASE!
My disease thrives on her neediness and desperation.
Her helplessness is my addiction.
I talked to her this morning and she told me that she knew this would be hard for me.
It is almost embarrassing that she was worried about how hard this might be on me.
She told me that she is trying very hard to create a new life for herself. With me a part of it, but not like it was.
Why would I want what we had before? The relationship we had before in no way made me happy.
She said I always want to be your friend. And whatever else happens is the way it is supposed to be.
She is sounding healthier then I am.
I loved and cared for her as a friend for many more years then we were involved romantically. So even though I am in love with her now if there is any chance for us to have anything more and also healthy I have to take a step back and let her grow.
She is working her program. I need to work mine.
I must let her find her path as I now must find my own.

SparkleKitty

I think you are very brave for being open to these ideas. I hope you feel empowered by the realizations you speak of in your last post.

NYCDoglvr

When one person gets sober the relationship is radically altered. In order to support her respect her wishes by agreeing to have a friendship. Don't bring it up again. It takes a long time for a recovering alcoholic to feel comfortable in his/her skin and she's very wise to make this decision.

Titanic

soexhausted, it's no fair that you're getting it so much faster than me!

soexhausted

Here I was thinking I had it all under control. (So naive.)
I go out with her on Sunday for dinner. We have a really good time.
When we are saying goodnight I notice that she is staring at me. I ask her what she is thinking? She says "you are something special."
Then lays a kiss on me. She has not kissed me on the lips since entering rehab.
It got me high all over again!
Then comes Monday. I am talking to her on the phone. 'I say good night I love you."
We have always said I love you, be it friends or otherwise. She does not respond.
I say 'no response?" She says "I can't be forced to say anything."
As many of you have posted her behavior in this early stage of recovery will be erratic.
But man is this hard to deal with!

marie1960

soexhausted,

Nobody can tell you what to do in this situation, BUT if I were in your shoes, I would be taking a big time out.

Currently, emotions are all over the board, the two of you are NOT on the same page.

I would be limiting my contact with someone working their program. And I would be watchful of my words, as I would not want to add more uncertainty to a very critical period.

I really get frustrated when I am in a "I don't know" situation. I can understand how difficult this time is for you. Best to keep the focus on yourself. More is going to be revealed.

Keep posting, you are not alone.

soexhausted

My constantly changing status XAGF called me today to let me know her sponsor thinks we we need time apart.
She was even reading off notes given to her by her sponsor.
Now I know that us not seeing each other is probably for the best, yet I cannot feel somewhat angry that someone who barely knows her has such influence on our relationship. I understand that her sponsor's only concern is her sobriety, but it still ticks me off.
She is coming over today to pick up her stuff. I have taken down every picture of her and put it in a bag to give back to her.
She says she is not kicking me out of her life, but we need a break and basically can see each other on her terms. (And I guess her sponsors.)
I want to tell her that I would rather think of this as permanent and never have contact with her again. Knowing I will never be talking to her again might be more healing then what she is offering.
I cannot decide if I am doing that out of anger or that is what is best for me.
Please help!

CentralOhioDad

That's probably best for you. Sometimes going cold-turkey hurts the most upfront, but is a quicker healer.

As is the common theme around here - do what is best for you and what will help in the long-run. Fighting this, and fighting her on this, probably will do neither of you any good.

Enjoy the memories of the good times, and pray for yourself and for her recovery. But at this point, she is emotionally and physically unavailable to you. And I'm pretty sure that's not what you want in a partner.

Just my thoughts. Peace

C-OH Dad

Titanic

COD!

soexhausted: Think time-out. Think AA recovery for her, and Al-anon recovery for you. Think that if you are both ready at the same time after that, maybe. Think this time period is not going to prohibit you from meeting other women after you heal well-enough. Think this could be the real beginning, not the end for me.

Believe me, soexhausted, I get the whole sponsor's influence and "one-sided take" part. Am there, still doing it sometimes. Believe me that it won't be easy to think like that, and you will vacillate. Having kids with the A makes it even harder. But with Al-Anon, SR, recovery work and time ... good things can happen. Your attitude and serenity will get better, even if things out there get worse.

Peace.

marie1960

"She says she is not kicking me out of her life, but we need a break and basically can see each other on her terms. (And I guess her sponsors.)" (Soexhausted)

While I would not be comfortable with the "her terms" part of this either, I sense manipulation, and a controlling factor in her above statement. Chances are her sponsor did suggest limiting contact, but I still sense a whole lot of manipulation going on with her. You get to decide if you really want that "famous final scene" or would a " I wish you much success in your recovery" be just as appropriate. IMHO, the less emotion you show her the better. I believe the XA in my life used to get some sort of euphoric feeling when he reduced me to tears.

Maybe meet at a neutral location, have her stuff boxed and ready for the exchange.

Let us know how you are doing, Hang in there.

soexhausted

When I see her today I want to do what is best.
They say in Al Anon to detach with love. But I am so filled with anger.
I just recently had a drawing that she made for me framed. I took that down to give back to her as well.
Am I doing that because I simply do not want to look at something every day that will remind me of her?
Or am I trying to hurt her?
I hope I do what is right. I do love her and do not want to hurt her. Especially while she is trying to heal.