inpieces314

It has been a long time. I have been very busy with work, school, kids, and of course, the ABF. Things have been getting progressively worse, I made him leave the house around the 4th of July and he went back to his mommy. Which actually was a good thing, because he was actually much more decent when he got back. He was a totally changed person, which I actually thought was amazing because he was still drinking. Maybe once a week he would go on a binge, but the rest of the week, he was there to help me with the kids and the house while I worked.

Yeah, I should have known better. Since probably the beginning of August, things have gotten bad quick. He decided he was going to start hitting me when he got really drunk. In front of the kids. A couple of times a month. Don't let me fool you though, because I would get drunk (I usually drink every monday night, he knows to stay away if he pisses me off) and I would hit him. Although not in front of the kids.

His best friend has been staying with us for a while, which helped a lot, because he saw how things really work in my house (guess what? It really isn't all my fault) and because the ABF isn't stupid enough to hit me in front of people. He is also an alcoholic.

So last week we were arguing long and hard all week. Friday night he came over to talk and ended up beating the crap out of me. The kids were not home. He was drunk (I know, that is not an excuse) and I had to go to work the next day so instead of continuing to argue we just agreed to disagree for the time being.

All weekend he took it upon himself to get totally smashed and then show up and sleep in my bed all day while I am at work. He comes in at 2am, I have to leave at 5, I get home at 4, he's gone. When does he see the kids, because they are sleeping at 2am. And he goes on and on about how he misses me and stuff because...HE is the one out all night?

So Tuesday I told him I am moving away and he won't find me. I don't want him coming to my house and using my bed in the middle of the night. I am not your hotel. He got pissed off and punched me in the head 7 times.

I drove my son to school, and he said he was telling his teacher. I came back to my house, took my other son from him, and told him to get out, I am filing a restraining order. And I did it.

He was served wednesday. He is upset. He thinks I am trying to lock him up and get him arrested. He says he doesn't touch me at all and I am the one beating up on him. (This is all hearsay, because he can't talk to me).

My mother who absolutely hates him, says she thinks he really doesn't think he knows what he is doing. He is probably blacking out, and comes back when I hit him back. Which makes sense because even a wife beater admits it happened, even though it's all her fault, he's so sorry, it will never happen again, etc. etc. etc. OR, like my mom said, he is getting beat up somewhere when he is drunk, doesn't remember what happened, but wakes up in my bed, so he assumes I did it. I think he just runs around town injuring himself on purpose to get sympathy from people. He has pretty much the whole town against me for this protection order.

His sister is trying to really kill me in court. She doesn't realize, whatever happened in the past, is the past. We are talking about friday and tuesday in court, and she wasn't there. I hope she perjures herself.

Anyway, I talked to my lawyer. I want a 6 month order, he needs to go to rehab, and when he comes back I will modify it for some kind of visitation to see the kids (which is very generous, because he has no established rights to either of them). He needs counseling, I need to go to anger management, I have already stopped drinking, and my 5 year old needs to go to therapy as well.

I don't want him to get in trouble. I want him to get help. This started a couple of months ago, when something happened in his life, and he is coping the only way he knows how. So this needs to stop.

Anyway, he is going to rehab. He doesn't want to lose me and the kids. The problem is, he is still blaming me for everything, and I don't know if it is because he doesn't want me to go through with the order (because then he won't have to go to rehab. I am still going through with it, I do not care what he says.), because he really believes I am the cause of all of his problems (which rehab will help him with), or if he is still trying to get sympathy from everyone (which they aren't going to give him after they figure out what he is all about).

I know I am doing the right thing. I know that if he continues to drink, I never want to see him again. I know, and I have been saying this for a long time, that I am the rock bottom. If I leave him, he will get better in order to get me back. He really does love me, and I know somewhere deep inside he knows that he is messing stuff up or he would never agree to go to rehab anyway. I feel bad that it got to this point. I feel bad that the kids aren't going to see him for a while.

I don't understand why his stupid sister is against me. If she wants him to get help, she needs my help, and she has said that before, that I am the one that has to push him in the right direction. I don't understand what she plans on doing in court, saying he shouldn't get help? Saying he doesn't have a problem? I have no idea. I am so nervous, and scared, and I really don't want to go, but I don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone.

Pelican

He is an abusive alcoholic.
He does not want you to go through with the order because he does not want to go to jail.
He is an abusive alcoholic.
He can not control his consumption, his anger, or his violence.

He knows he will cross the line again. He always does. With a restraining order in place, he will go to jail when he uses you again for his punching bag. That is the reason he is trying to talk you out of a restraining order.

Can you share your reason for wanting to keep this person in the lives of your children?
I left my angry alcoholic husband because I did not want my son treating his future relationship partner the way my husband was treating me (children learn by the examples around them)
I also did not want my daughter to accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting from her future relationship partner.

I wanted more for myself and my children.

EnglishGarden

Please, please find a counselor for yourself. Do it for the child. Something or someone in your past has hurt you so badly that this life of pain and abuse is now happening in your life today. You are probably shutting down emotionally. You are losing control. Your 5 year old needs you to get well. I think the child's father is a lost cause--his violence sounds hard-wired--but you are not. You are worthy of help and you need help. You deserve help. Someone or something abused you in the past and there is something in you now that is too all right with anger and pain.

Find a counselor. Heal that terrible wound. Stop the cycle.

God bless you. May angels watch over you as you find your way, and protect your child until you can.

The domestic abuse line is 1-800-799-SAFE.

inpieces314

So...update.

He is now in detox. I have known for a very very long time that I was the rock bottom-if I left him, he would go. So here we are.

After that he is going to a 28 day rehab. And after that, he is going to a halfway house until the restraining order is up and we figure out what we are doing.

And he has to go to domestic violence counseling, as do I.

It can be done. A girl I work with said her husband used to do all kinds of drugs and beat on her all the time, but when he FINALLY stopped, he became the best guy ever and never hit her again. So you know, I don't think I am wrong because I want to give him a second chance (I know I have given him a hundred second chances, but this time there will be no alcohol), because he is going to be a totally different person. Who knows, the person that comes out of rehab may be someone I completely hate, but at least then I would know, the alcohol wasn't the problem.

Tuffgirl

I hope for your sake and safety, and for the children in the picture, that you are right in your post above. Because the next time he beats the crap out of you could be the last. For you. Happens all the time.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Titanic

I applaud your honesty, and that you're doing the right things to turn things around for yourself as well as the kids. Pelican wants to impress upon you the seriousness and severity of this issue. Perhaps the first few meetings could be attended or "supervised" by a third-party.

Please go to some Al-Anon meetings. Was there abuse or alcoholism in your family of origin? If so, please get help with that too. Al-Anon helps adult children of alcoholics/addicts as does this group: Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

Continue being strong and please recover well.

inpieces314

Yesterday I drove 3 hours to get to this detox place, and his counselor decided to do a mini-family session. She told him he doesn't know anything about my past so it is unfair to judge me (which is true, he knows some but not everything) and I don't tell people because I have been hurt before and now I have all these walls up to protect myself (which is also true).

He told her I am going to be a drug and alcohol counselor next year (true story). She told me that I am using him as some kind of case study, trying to get inside his head, and although it does work, he resents it because I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, not his shrink. She was really good, this woman knew nothing about me and had it all down the second she looked at me. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

She told me he has not stopped crying since he got there. I said good, he destroyed a lot of lives, he should be crying. I told her I don't know if it will work after he gets out, but I do want to do some kind of couples counseling, which I have been trying to do for a while, and now he finally thinks it's a good idea. So it is what it is I guess, right now I am just trying to focus on myself, and not so much on him, because I have stuff to do.