working on forgiveness
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working on forgiveness
I have been struggling to forgive as i have trouble seperating forgive and forget. To me they are the intertwined. To forgive someone means to forget what they did. How are some of you seperating the two?
Also I found this prayer and their are part that seem to help.
ForgivenessPrayer
Also I found this prayer and their are part that seem to help.
ForgivenessPrayer
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Hmmm...for me the pain is too raw to do either. In time I think I will forgive, but I know that I will not forget. To me, forgetting some how means that I could be with him again some how. I know that is not possible. I know that will and can never happen.
But somewhere I will have to let go of all of it. I think that is the healthy way....to move on, to not necessarily forget, but to grow past it where it doesn't really shape your outlook on the world.
But somewhere I will have to let go of all of it. I think that is the healthy way....to move on, to not necessarily forget, but to grow past it where it doesn't really shape your outlook on the world.
Iceberg Ahead!
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This is one of the hardest things to do when one or one's family has been or is being ravaged by an alcoholic's or addict's actions.
Here is a current thread that has moved into the forgiveness thing in a deep way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-i-get.html
Here is a current thread that has moved into the forgiveness thing in a deep way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-i-get.html
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I haven't bothered trying.
I know it sounds awful, but I've focused on going forward, identifying behaviors that are unhealthy and changing them, and turned detachment into ignoring AXH as much as possible.
I've gotten to a point where I can see that just like I made the choices I was capable of when I was capable to make them, so did he. His choices still stink, but while I haven't actively worked on forgiveness, I've sort of dropped it. Let it go. Left it behind me.
I know it sounds awful, but I've focused on going forward, identifying behaviors that are unhealthy and changing them, and turned detachment into ignoring AXH as much as possible.
I've gotten to a point where I can see that just like I made the choices I was capable of when I was capable to make them, so did he. His choices still stink, but while I haven't actively worked on forgiveness, I've sort of dropped it. Let it go. Left it behind me.
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For me forgiveness is about no longer wishing things could have been different, no longer wanting a do-over, realizing that there is really NOTHING he can do or say to change what already happened. He is who he is and I made the choices I made. Forgiveness came when I quit trying to change him and really I just got sick of him. The living breathing him as well as the one that lived in my head and ate away all my days and all my serenity. I found I could oust them both. Forgiveness is much easier when we are no longer physically or mentally shackled to someone.
I have not forgotten and I will never forget. That is why I'm divorced. That is why am on this board today. That is why I'm no longer surprised, shocked, angry, or thrown for a loop when he makes another choice just like so many he's made before. I might be sad or disappointed but those emotions no longer crush me.
ETA: If I'm really honest I think I got just as sick of myself as I did of him. I was sick and tired of the whole mess.
I have not forgotten and I will never forget. That is why I'm divorced. That is why am on this board today. That is why I'm no longer surprised, shocked, angry, or thrown for a loop when he makes another choice just like so many he's made before. I might be sad or disappointed but those emotions no longer crush me.
ETA: If I'm really honest I think I got just as sick of myself as I did of him. I was sick and tired of the whole mess.
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
For me forgiveness is about no longer wishing things could have been different, no longer wanting a do-over
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I think forgivness is about acceptance.
Accepting the past for what it was. Accepting it wasn't really personal (RAH alcoholism was about him, not me - it affected me deeply, but it wasn't really about me), accepting the life happens on life terms, accepting there is no point in holding a grudge against life (since I'm entitled to more), accepting that I'm the only one who is responsible for my own life, accepting that no one can save me but myself, accepting that we are all human, and accepting that nobody owes us anything.
I learned in order to forgive someone else, I have to first forgive myself.
And as for forgetting, I don't even know how that can be possible. How could you foget years of your life?
I didn't forget, but I forgave.
That fogiveness was more about me than about RAH, as it had freed me from being a captive of past sufferings.
Accepting the past for what it was. Accepting it wasn't really personal (RAH alcoholism was about him, not me - it affected me deeply, but it wasn't really about me), accepting the life happens on life terms, accepting there is no point in holding a grudge against life (since I'm entitled to more), accepting that I'm the only one who is responsible for my own life, accepting that no one can save me but myself, accepting that we are all human, and accepting that nobody owes us anything.
I learned in order to forgive someone else, I have to first forgive myself.
And as for forgetting, I don't even know how that can be possible. How could you foget years of your life?
I didn't forget, but I forgave.
That fogiveness was more about me than about RAH, as it had freed me from being a captive of past sufferings.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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What Sesh said.
Also, I don't think in terms of forgiveness. Or "forgive but don't forget." That's just a trite saying to me and it doesn't do anything for me.
To me, when a person says, "You need to forgive him, for your own good," is like someone saying, "You need to fall in love with So-and-So," as if I could do so on command.
What's important to me is me and my life. And what action I can take every day to be healthy and have a healthy life.
To me, Forgiveness is a feeling. And I am not obligated to feel anything until I actually feel it. And that feeling usually comes to me a few months after a betrayal. After I have accepted that the person who has betrayed me, who has wronged me, who has done things that hurt me, did not do them because of ME. It had NOTHING to do with me, no matter how much he or she or anyone else might blame or judge me. And no matter how badly I feel about myself, no matter how low my self-worth has become.
It comes when I step out of the fog of Wanting, and the fog of thinking where I am the Center of the Universe. The fog of thinking I know what is Right, and that I am Right. It comes when I am strong in my Recovery, and strong in my thinking, and I can see clearly where that person is in THEIR thinking. It comes from coming here to SR and reading all these stories and all these feelings, and feeling empathy for others and remembering feeling that way. It comes from letting myself react to others' posts and sensing where I react strongly to what others say, and then asking myself why. It comes when I accept that addiction and alcoholism are very powerful forces, more powerful than all of us combined.
And often it comes when I see how much further along I am than he is, without judging him. And I think of Oprah and remember watching her one episode where she kept telling the distraught mom whose best friend slept with the mom's teenage son, "She doesn't get it because she's not there yet," or something to that effect.
He doesn't GET that the things he did were wrong and hurtful. He doesn't GET that when someone loves you and cares for you, you don't hurt and betray them. He doesn't GET how deep the pain runs. It comes when I accept this about him without judging him, without calling him names, without wanting him to or feeling he SHOULD get this, with knowing that the fact that I GET this is enough.
WOW Cricket, awesome thread!! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing and posting! I really needed this today!! I hope I made some sense in my post LOL
Also, I don't think in terms of forgiveness. Or "forgive but don't forget." That's just a trite saying to me and it doesn't do anything for me.
To me, when a person says, "You need to forgive him, for your own good," is like someone saying, "You need to fall in love with So-and-So," as if I could do so on command.
What's important to me is me and my life. And what action I can take every day to be healthy and have a healthy life.
To me, Forgiveness is a feeling. And I am not obligated to feel anything until I actually feel it. And that feeling usually comes to me a few months after a betrayal. After I have accepted that the person who has betrayed me, who has wronged me, who has done things that hurt me, did not do them because of ME. It had NOTHING to do with me, no matter how much he or she or anyone else might blame or judge me. And no matter how badly I feel about myself, no matter how low my self-worth has become.
It comes when I step out of the fog of Wanting, and the fog of thinking where I am the Center of the Universe. The fog of thinking I know what is Right, and that I am Right. It comes when I am strong in my Recovery, and strong in my thinking, and I can see clearly where that person is in THEIR thinking. It comes from coming here to SR and reading all these stories and all these feelings, and feeling empathy for others and remembering feeling that way. It comes from letting myself react to others' posts and sensing where I react strongly to what others say, and then asking myself why. It comes when I accept that addiction and alcoholism are very powerful forces, more powerful than all of us combined.
And often it comes when I see how much further along I am than he is, without judging him. And I think of Oprah and remember watching her one episode where she kept telling the distraught mom whose best friend slept with the mom's teenage son, "She doesn't get it because she's not there yet," or something to that effect.
He doesn't GET that the things he did were wrong and hurtful. He doesn't GET that when someone loves you and cares for you, you don't hurt and betray them. He doesn't GET how deep the pain runs. It comes when I accept this about him without judging him, without calling him names, without wanting him to or feeling he SHOULD get this, with knowing that the fact that I GET this is enough.
WOW Cricket, awesome thread!! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing and posting! I really needed this today!! I hope I made some sense in my post LOL
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You did, L2L, & sesh too! Thanks.
I think that when the A blames the relationship and the other person, and the A attributes the blame to a period of time when the A was socially drinking or barely using, and during that period the A was emotionally concealing or withdrawn, it makes it hard on the other person.
Sorting out whether there was a two-sided relationship in the first place. Whether the other person had addictive personality issues or thinking below the surface that prevented any truly intimate relationship. Whether the A just couldn't deal with any emotional or relationship issues because the A doesn't do "uncomfortable." Whether taking the easy way out (including drinking & using) is just what As do. Whether the A just couldn't make good decisions for preserving the relationship. Whether cheating was or is a "slip," a jailbar saw, a "good time" or "what feels good." Whether the A just blames those things on the drinking and using. Whether it was the A or the relationship (or both), and what about it if so.
I'm starting a new thread on all that so as not to hijack this one.
I think that when the A blames the relationship and the other person, and the A attributes the blame to a period of time when the A was socially drinking or barely using, and during that period the A was emotionally concealing or withdrawn, it makes it hard on the other person.
Sorting out whether there was a two-sided relationship in the first place. Whether the other person had addictive personality issues or thinking below the surface that prevented any truly intimate relationship. Whether the A just couldn't deal with any emotional or relationship issues because the A doesn't do "uncomfortable." Whether taking the easy way out (including drinking & using) is just what As do. Whether the A just couldn't make good decisions for preserving the relationship. Whether cheating was or is a "slip," a jailbar saw, a "good time" or "what feels good." Whether the A just blames those things on the drinking and using. Whether it was the A or the relationship (or both), and what about it if so.
I'm starting a new thread on all that so as not to hijack this one.
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I read in a post a few months ago, someone likened forgiveness as to what a bank does for a bad debt: they realize that you will never be able to repay them, so they write off what you owe them (or in your case what someone has done to you).
They don't 'forget' because if you try to go back to the bank, they will deny you, but they have determined you can never repay them.
This helps me sometimes.
They don't 'forget' because if you try to go back to the bank, they will deny you, but they have determined you can never repay them.
This helps me sometimes.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
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Thanks for all the responses. Today has started off a bit tough so I was glad to read them. So off I go to work on the forgiveness thing again lol
Last edited by cricket123; 09-25-2012 at 07:40 AM. Reason: grammer
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