Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?

Blogs


Notices

He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?

Old 09-22-2012, 04:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?

This was a weird one for me today.
From what I was told from a few of his friends
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip. They are SOooo Happy for him.
{insert: sacrastic remark -Oh, isnt that nice!!!!}....Ugggg

Yes, Im happy for him too
But it dawned on me - These are the same
people that never gave shout out to me, to see if I was dead or
alive, during his heavy addiction and even today.
{insert: poor me}

I'm the one left holding the bag, all of the bill's and all of the stress
trying to maintain the house and business. As he lives with his family,
free rent and meals. Let alone my kid's losing their "family" structure
{insert: bad attitude-Grrrr}

Funny, how it's alway's about THEM

Once I stopped and thought about it
The story about the fruit cake came to my mind.
I revised the recipe...

"Take out the VODKA from the fruit cake & you still have fruit cake":rotfxko
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 23 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
4MyBoys (09-24-2012), Fathom (09-23-2012), GettingBy (09-22-2012), hadenoug (09-28-2012), ichabod (09-23-2012), Impurrfect (09-22-2012), Itchy (09-23-2012), Katiekate (09-22-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (09-23-2012), kewlgurl (09-22-2012), laurie6781 (09-23-2012), Learn2Live (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), lillamy (09-23-2012), marie1960 (09-22-2012), owathu (09-23-2012), PeacefulMe (09-23-2012), PurpleWilder (09-25-2012), ShootingStar1 (09-22-2012), StarCat (09-24-2012), suki44883 (09-22-2012), Thumper (09-23-2012), Tuffgirl (09-22-2012)
Old 09-22-2012, 07:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
BobbyJ, I wish I had something wise and inspiring to say, but shoot - I hear ya on that.

Someone mentioned in a recent post that after 30 days of no contact, she should get a coin!
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), GettingBy (09-22-2012), itsmylifenow (09-23-2012), kudzujean (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 04:01 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
sesh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
"He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?"

You got your peace of mind, and safe home for you and your kids without active alcoholism in it!
If this was a contest, you would have won by far!!!
sesh is offline  
The Following 21 Users Say Thank You to sesh For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), DesertEyes (09-23-2012), EnglishGarden (09-23-2012), Freedom1990 (09-23-2012), GettingBy (09-23-2012), hadenoug (09-28-2012), hadenoughnow (09-23-2012), Hollyanne (09-23-2012), Learn2Live (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), m1k3 (09-24-2012), mfanch (09-23-2012), Milly39 (09-28-2012), nelley (09-23-2012), NoelleR (09-23-2012), PurpleWilder (09-25-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Sungrl (09-24-2012), Thumper (09-23-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), tjp613 (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 04:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
You and the kids get a chance at peace & serenity. And you get the golden opportunity to work through your feelings of resentment.

Working a program and staying sober is not about encouragement from others and chips. It is about having the courage to give control over to something other than yourself, and taking a long, hard, painful look at yourself and all of your imperfections. Among other things. 8 months sober, actively working a program, is nothing to shake a stick at.

I am sorry you are hurt, BobbyJ, I truly am. I am sorry you have been left holding the bag, and such a serious and heavy bag it is. I know how you feel. But to get better myself, I had to come to the realization that it's not all about me. I had to let go of the resentments toward those I felt wronged me and realize that what they did had nothing to do with me. It was entirely about them.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Babslove (09-23-2012), BobbyJ (09-23-2012), GettingBy (09-23-2012), ichabod (09-23-2012), oneday66 (09-24-2012), outonalimb (09-23-2012), PurpleWilder (09-25-2012), Thumper (09-23-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 06:36 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((BobbyJ))))

I understand where you are coming from.

I am raising our 13 year old son entirely on my own. My exah is still a raging alcoholic...currently in jail. I don't receive any child support. I'm doing this all on my own. I too was left holding the bag.

I used to be absolutely, positively consumed with anger at him. I mean...seething, I would kill him if I could get away with it, mad.

But...and here comes the bitter pill... then I had to get real and take ownership for the way my life was. I was the one who married an alcoholic and had a child with him. I didn't know or understand what alocoholism really was but I had an idea deep down in my soul that something wasn't quite right. I married him anyway because I loved him so much. I'm the one who kept throwing good money after bad trying to dig us out of holes that he dug and make things right so I could have the type of family I wanted and had always envisioned for myself. He might have been the alcoholic in the family but I was the enabler and the martyr. I danced the alcoholic/codepenent dance and listened to empty promises and tried to force my exah to change. I did all that. If I had made different choices, I wouldn't be where I am today. I can't put it all on him. But I did the best I could at the time and now I'm doing better. Forgive yourself BobbyJ for the choices you made. Forgive your Ah for his problems. It's the only way your going to find peace in your life. Anger and bitterness will destroy you. I'm not saying its not justified. It IS justified. But that's not the issue. The issue is finding a better, more peaceful, more healthy way of life for yourself. After all, living well is the best revenge, right?
outonalimb is offline  
The Following 25 Users Say Thank You to outonalimb For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), dandylion (09-23-2012), Fathom (09-24-2012), GettingBy (09-23-2012), hadenoughnow (09-23-2012), ichabod (09-23-2012), Itchy (09-23-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (09-24-2012), Learn2Live (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), LifeRecovery (09-23-2012), Loopydays (09-23-2012), Lulu39 (09-24-2012), Milly39 (09-28-2012), oneday66 (09-24-2012), PeacefulMe (09-23-2012), PurpleWilder (09-25-2012), rsk (10-04-2012), ShootingStar1 (09-23-2012), StarCat (09-24-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Thumper (09-23-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), tjp613 (09-23-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 06:59 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Very well put outonalimb!!!

BobbyJ... I have those same angry moments. I get it... Stewing on the pity pot is not going to make it any better... But you also have to feel those feelings to get them out.

I hope today is shining brighter for you!!
GettingBy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), Lulu39 (09-24-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), Tuffgirl (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 07:16 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Are you struggling with some parts of your own life or do you really want something he has.

If I am feeling frustration, jealousy or resentment over some part of my ex's life it always has something to do with an unrecognized or unmet need of my own. I know this because I would not trade places with my ex for all the tea in China. There is nothing about being him I want. When I think of it like that my resentments turn to compassion or at least just observation.

It has gotten easier with time and practice and the destructive feelings almost never make an appearance anymore and what a releif. It is another level of freedom from alcoholism.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), Learn2Live (09-23-2012), lizloh (09-23-2012), mmk11 (09-24-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 07:32 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
Posts: 30
Have to admit the hardest thing is trying to forgive and move forward. My AH feels saying sorry makes it better if he stays sober. Don't they realize the hurt all the lying causes?
Babslove is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Babslove For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 07:46 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by Babslove View Post
Have to admit the hardest thing is trying to forgive and move forward. My AH feels saying sorry makes it better if he stays sober. Don't they realize the hurt all the lying causes?
I truly do not believe they realize how much pain their behavior, their lies, or their betrayal causes. How much can they really feel themselves when they are constantly numb and so out of it drunk?
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Babslove (09-23-2012), BobbyJ (09-23-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 08:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,300
Dear Bobby, I sooo remember the anger and "unfairness" of it all. I think this is the hardest emotion for the significant other to face.

It is ok to be angry---and even necessary to be aware of your emotions and feel them. Vent away about it!!!!!

The ultimate antidote to this anger is to focus full-time on yourself (and kids). You have been wounded and your own self-esteem and welfare need attention.

I am glad that you came here to post and share. Hang around!!!

I can't give you a chip, but please accept this little cartoon as my salute to your bravery 7


dandylion
dandylion is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), emeraldsea (09-29-2012), GettingBy (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 08:58 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I've got this posted on my fridge...not sure where it came from

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness
is a journey of the heart.
We don't reach our destination
in one giant stride,
by somehow willing ourselves there.
Rather,
we make a humble beginning,
setting the compass of our soul
in direction of forgiveness.

We don't forgive
in order to be generous
to the person who offended us.
We don't forgive
because its the right thing to do.
We forgive in order to set things right
within our own heart.
Holding a grudge
holds us prisoner to the past.
Forgiveness frees us
to accept the injustices of life
and then move on.
outonalimb is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to outonalimb For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), Fathom (09-24-2012), kewlgurl (09-23-2012), Learn2Live (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), StarCat (09-24-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), Tuffgirl (09-23-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 11:58 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,666
Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
From what I was told from a few of his friends
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip.
I feel sorry for these people for not having anything better to talk about.

"Oh FYI and BTW guess what your ex posted on Facebook"
choublak is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to choublak For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), rsk (10-04-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 12:19 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Learn2Live, so well said! "to get better myself, I had to come to the realization that it's not all about me. I had to let go of the resentments toward those I felt wronged me and realize that what they did had nothing to do with me. It was entirely about them."

Getting sober blesses everyone's life. Better for the children, the parents, the spouses - there is no downside. I think our society minimizes addiction, because drinking in general is so prevalent, even when the alcoholic loses their marriage, children, job, health. This is a progressive disorder - many, including the alcoholics in our life, will eventually die from this.

I went to go see the movie "The Master" this weekend. Horrible images of the pain of addiction - what got me is here is this man in the grips of this deadly and destructive disease and when they showed him drunk and flailing - the crowd laughed. Boy, those of us with any knowledge of addiction, cringed.

I hope that we can see past our own pain. We can go on and heal, find a new marriage, live a better life. They will be fighting this horrific addiction for the rest of their lives. We loved this person once enough to marry and go on and have children with. At the very last find the forgiveness.

Congrats on his 8 months of sobriety and and your 8 months of a new life, too!

Love so many of these great and heartfelt replies! Outonalimb, I think being able to say this is the beginning of a healthy life > I was the enabler and the martyr. Beautiful.
WishingWell is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to WishingWell For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-23-2012), emeraldsea (09-29-2012), Lulu39 (09-24-2012), outonalimb (09-23-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 04:05 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I'm alway's amazed...

Just when you think, you got a handle on it...The strangest little thing's
will creep up on you and say "Boo - I'm back"

This incident, not only made me realize, I still have anger issue's with him
that I need to work on
it made me realize, how thankful I am today, for my recovery
Because 2 year's ago, this would of put me to bed crying and my sails would
of been draggin on the ground

Today: I'm honest with myself and I know I have come along's way's...
That ol' bitter pill
isn't alway's easy to swallow, but it sure taste better with recovery...
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), outonalimb (09-25-2012), stepsforward (09-24-2012), Thumper (09-23-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), Tuffgirl (09-23-2012), wantabe (09-24-2012), WishingWell (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Iceberg Ahead!
 
Titanic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
These are the throes of death of the dream. Putting it aside. Putting it behind us.

This is hard.
Titanic is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Titanic For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-24-2012), emeraldsea (09-29-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 08:38 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I recently finished reading a drug addict memoir and when I closed the book I realized I was angry and I couldn't at first understand why. After all, he told us all the bad stuff he did on drugs and how he's clean now and he's got a new wife and kids and a great job and it is a success story about beating his way back from the abyss so why was I angry?

And I sat with myself and realized it was because he seemed not to realize how much deep damage he had done to other people nor did he ever once talk about amends and restitution. I just can't connect with an addict's success story unless it is about amends. Addicts eventually reach a point of genuine suffering, but getting there? It can be a lot of years of good times getting there. While everyone around the addict hurts like hell. We take every betrayal and unkind word and every criticism straight through our hearts, without narcotics to buffer the pain.

If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.

Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
EnglishGarden is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to EnglishGarden For This Useful Post:
Babslove (09-24-2012), BobbyJ (09-24-2012), GettingBy (09-23-2012), learningtofly (09-28-2012), lillamy (09-24-2012), Lulu39 (09-24-2012), oneday66 (09-24-2012), StarCat (09-24-2012), Titanic (09-23-2012), Vall (09-24-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 08:48 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
What do you get?
You get a life free of alcoholism.
That's worth way more than the feeble praise of people who pat someone on the back for doing what most civilized human beings have done every freakin' day of their lives.
lillamy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-24-2012), Fathom (09-28-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 09:06 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Yes it does seem like it's always about them. It's always about them when they are actively drinking, and it's always about them when they are in recovery, and it's always about them when they have been sober for several months. Alanon should give out chips to the partners. Since I have been alcoholic partner free for many many months now I can truly see how EVERYTHING was centered around the alcoholic and their behavior and the devastation they leave behind. It takes a while to work through the anger- especially the anger at myself for putting up with it for so long.
tabatha is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tabatha For This Useful Post:
emeraldsea (09-29-2012), FoxInSocks (09-23-2012)
Old 09-23-2012, 09:33 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Iceberg Ahead!
 
Titanic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
While everyone around the addict hurts like hell. We take every betrayal and unkind word and every criticism straight through our hearts, without narcotics to buffer the pain.

If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.

Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Amends - after a searching inquiry, searing awareness and supine acknowledgement of what they've done to us.

Amends - not just the A's usual, passing-by "sorry." A contrite, humble apology. A soulful penance. A teary-eyed expression of remorse. Repeated, on one's knees. Something that lets us KNOW that the A finally gets it, gets us, gets our suffering, gets our struggle. An opening of the door to human reconciliation.

Amends - asking what would it take to make things right then making things right, changed behavior, actual redress, restitution, recompense, reparation, restoration, mending the fences ...

ALL THREE, but stoppable AT ANY TIME by the one to whom amends is being made ... by way of understanding, mercy, or forgiveness back. Not simply forgiveness in and to clear one's own head. Forgiveness in response to Amends.
Titanic is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Titanic For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-24-2012)
Old 09-24-2012, 12:58 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
akalacha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
I can SO relate to this. My XA has been gone for a month now. Two days after he left he ended up in the hospital. I got an email from him yesterday telling me how much better he's doing. His health is better, he hasn't had a drink since he left, he's getting counseling, etc. And he was going to a party last night. I guess that was the part that ticked me off. Yes, I have a life free of alcoholism now. And I'm very glad of it. I'm also struggling to pay the bills and come up with a way to make some income. I'm trying to catch up with maintenance and repairs that were neglected around here for months. I can't even go out for lunch because I'm too busy working around the place, and I can't afford it. But he's going out to restaurants and parties. I love him and wish him the best, I really am glad that he's doing well. But I can't help feeling a little resentful. I know it will pass because I don't like holding anger and resentment, I know it's not good for me. But it's going to take a little while to get over it.
akalacha is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to akalacha For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (09-24-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:07 PM.