Resentments
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Resentments
I just wondered how people deal with and get beyond resentments. I didn't even realize or attribute how I felt as resentment until I came on SR. I know I drink to stop or numb the thoughts in my head-the anger and hatred towards an ex partner,the envy of others ,the regret of not doing things, things unsaid to family and friends,the loneliness I feel. I always thought these were separate things but now I realize they are all resentments. I know I sound like a really horrible person. I am. I've few friends-I just can't do it. I know in AA people work through these in the steps. I just wondered how people not in AA deal with resentments.thank you
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Holy cow I am right behind sapling there (as usual) 
.. But when I got to the rooms and worked on those things , I had no idea what I was in store for..
But it was the best shopping trip I ever had, learning so much about myself...
.. But when I got to the rooms and worked on those things , I had no idea what I was in store for.. But it was the best shopping trip I ever had, learning so much about myself...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I'm still working on it... I do a lot of meditation and work on Buddhism
I have tried to figure out who I feel resentment towards and then see if I can visualize forgiving that person. And realize we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect, including me. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself as well. I can't claim it is an easy process. I know I still have a lot of anger towards my ex boyfriend for some of the things he did and said to me. But ultimately dwelling on that stuff is not going to bring you any closure or any happiness today.
There's a book I read recently called "Think Right, Feel Right" that helped me feel a lot better recently. You might want to check it out. I also had a few sessions with a therapist which helped.
I have tried to figure out who I feel resentment towards and then see if I can visualize forgiving that person. And realize we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect, including me. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself as well. I can't claim it is an easy process. I know I still have a lot of anger towards my ex boyfriend for some of the things he did and said to me. But ultimately dwelling on that stuff is not going to bring you any closure or any happiness today.
There's a book I read recently called "Think Right, Feel Right" that helped me feel a lot better recently. You might want to check it out. I also had a few sessions with a therapist which helped.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by ZiggyB 
I'm still working on it... I do a lot of meditation and work on Buddhism
I have tried to figure out who I feel resentment towards and then see if I can visualize forgiving that person. And realize we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect, including me. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself as well. I can't claim it is an easy process. I know I still have a lot of anger towards my ex boyfriend for some of the things he did and said to me. But ultimately dwelling on that stuff is not going to bring you any closure or any happiness today.
There's a book I read recently called "Think Right, Feel Right" that helped me feel a lot better recently. You might want to check it out. I also had a few sessions with a therapist which helped.
I have tried to figure out who I feel resentment towards and then see if I can visualize forgiving that person. And realize we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect, including me. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself as well. I can't claim it is an easy process. I know I still have a lot of anger towards my ex boyfriend for some of the things he did and said to me. But ultimately dwelling on that stuff is not going to bring you any closure or any happiness today.
There's a book I read recently called "Think Right, Feel Right" that helped me feel a lot better recently. You might want to check it out. I also had a few sessions with a therapist which helped.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by lfh4555
Sorry that I can't offer help other than what my AA sponsor told me. She directed me to read p 552 of the BB for info on how to deal with resentments.
lh
lh
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I believe resentments to be anger or hatred i hold about a situation, person or idea in the past, present or future .
I see "i" as an egotistical construct, a delusion of the mind, therfore the whole experience and feelings of "i" could be seen as delusional. If this is so, it is then up to me as to how i emotionaly intereact with reality as i percieve it . I choose to be happy and joyous and practaice compassion for suffering .
Bestwishes, M
I see "i" as an egotistical construct, a delusion of the mind, therfore the whole experience and feelings of "i" could be seen as delusional. If this is so, it is then up to me as to how i emotionaly intereact with reality as i percieve it . I choose to be happy and joyous and practaice compassion for suffering .
Bestwishes, M
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Originally Posted by justhadenough
I just wondered how people not in AA deal with resentments. Thank you.
I think that ZiggyB nailed it, acceptance and forgiveness are skills that give us more than they give to those around us. I have heard this wisdom many times from people who don't drink and have their heads screwed on right. It makes me wonder if we would have found ourselves at the bottom of the bottle if we had used these skills instead of drinking.
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Originally Posted by freshstart57
I'm interested in the replies to your question, too.
I think that ZiggyB nailed it, acceptance and forgiveness are skills that give us more than they give to those around us. I have heard this wisdom many times from people who don't drink and have their heads screwed on right. It makes me wonder if we would have found ourselves at the bottom of the bottle if we had used these skills instead of drinking.
I think that ZiggyB nailed it, acceptance and forgiveness are skills that give us more than they give to those around us. I have heard this wisdom many times from people who don't drink and have their heads screwed on right. It makes me wonder if we would have found ourselves at the bottom of the bottle if we had used these skills instead of drinking.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,978
Steps 4-9 and prayer help me.
The first time I worked a 4th step I told my sponsor, "I have no resentments." I was quite wrong! For me, it's not just forgiving another, it's seeing my selfish behavior that I was denying that truly sets me free.
The first time I worked a 4th step I told my sponsor, "I have no resentments." I was quite wrong! For me, it's not just forgiving another, it's seeing my selfish behavior that I was denying that truly sets me free.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by justhadenough
Thanks Ziggy.You are right, the only person suffering, feeling like this is me.It is a waste of energy and time. It doesn't bring any closure or happiness. I don't feel like this all the time-just now and again. I may get that book -I've been reading Tolle
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I think the Power of Now is a great book actually, I have read it quite a few times. The other one I mentioned is more of a cognitive behavioral therapy book for how to take control of our happiness. Ultimately living in the past is such a waste although I have been guilty of doing it myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
I can't change anyone else, but I can change the way I react to things.
I learned to fix the things I can...the rest I had to learn to let go.
Lifes too short - and there's a lot of wonderful things and people who are far worthy worthy of my time and attention
Everyones a work in progress with this stuff JHE...I'm still working on it
I think you're doing great
D
I learned to fix the things I can...the rest I had to learn to let go.
Lifes too short - and there's a lot of wonderful things and people who are far worthy worthy of my time and attention
Everyones a work in progress with this stuff JHE...I'm still working on it
I think you're doing great
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships(including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparentwas that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
read more in the big book of AA. it has worked great for me to see what made me tick.
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparentwas that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
read more in the big book of AA. it has worked great for me to see what made me tick.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
I had MANY resentments a few months back. Lots of really bad stuff happened on my wedding day and for a long time I could not forgive the people that caused it and felt as though they had 'destroyed my day'... blah, blah, blah.
It took me a while, but I've finally learned that nothing I can do will change what has happened. Nothing I can do will take back the things that were said and done. I have realised that I can choose to remember the best of certain times or the worst of certain times, and I know that choosing the worst results in anger and resentments, so why bother? It's hard to forgive and forget, but ultimately, that's the only way forward. We can't change the past but we can choose what we hold important in our past.
I hold pretty much no resentment right now towards anyone, and it's probably because I'm at peace with myself for the most part. And I've got to that point by acceptance... so in effect, acceptance of those I resented really came from acceptance of myself. Weird.
It took me a while, but I've finally learned that nothing I can do will change what has happened. Nothing I can do will take back the things that were said and done. I have realised that I can choose to remember the best of certain times or the worst of certain times, and I know that choosing the worst results in anger and resentments, so why bother? It's hard to forgive and forget, but ultimately, that's the only way forward. We can't change the past but we can choose what we hold important in our past.
I hold pretty much no resentment right now towards anyone, and it's probably because I'm at peace with myself for the most part. And I've got to that point by acceptance... so in effect, acceptance of those I resented really came from acceptance of myself. Weird.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Middletown
Posts: 38
Being early in this process, I dont know how to deal with resentment... But I do know I am very resentful towards lots of people & circumstances. I am ready to learn a different skill other than being a pack mule, hauling all this resentment around with me, it is so heavy!!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I've found that when I'm comfortable with myself, I don't tend to develop resentments towards others.
That said, I do get angry at times. When I do, I listen to what my anger is telling me, as I have found that anger means something. I don't get angry in a vacuum: something is going on.
Sometimes, that something is within me. Perhaps I am not taking care of myself, not sleeping enough, not eating right, and I've become irritable and angry. If that's the case I have to change what I'm doing.
Sometimes, though, that something is not within me. Perhaps someone has deliberately hurt me or someone I love; then I have to take a different action.
One thing is for sure, I don't let my feelings freak me out. They are, after all, simply feelings; they do not rule me.
That said, I do get angry at times. When I do, I listen to what my anger is telling me, as I have found that anger means something. I don't get angry in a vacuum: something is going on.
Sometimes, that something is within me. Perhaps I am not taking care of myself, not sleeping enough, not eating right, and I've become irritable and angry. If that's the case I have to change what I'm doing.
Sometimes, though, that something is not within me. Perhaps someone has deliberately hurt me or someone I love; then I have to take a different action.
One thing is for sure, I don't let my feelings freak me out. They are, after all, simply feelings; they do not rule me.
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