jodigrind11

I was here 5mths ago. Under Joilnda. Maybe some of you remember me. M husband of 26 years statred doing meth. To make a long story short it was a horrible time. SWhen i found out he had been using for mths. He left came back and left again over and over. It was killing me until i found sr. Went to meetings ; read codependent no more. We lost everything. Finally got our house sold; Didnt make a dime. I texted him told him my son and i were moving forward eithout him.We was getting ready to move and if he wanted me to put his stuff in my garage i would till he was ready for it. He was out of state working for about a week before this. He texted me and asked what i would say if he could come home. I said he could come and talk but not stay. He came. Said he was done with all the meth. He relized he had lost everything. I gave him 1 more chance. I thought after 26 years we both deserved 1 more. We moved out of state and hes been clean for 5mths. Believe me im not fooling myself i no he could relapes. And that my son and i would leave and be done.My question is how do u forget the pain and trust again? I keep wanting to ask him questions about past but do i really want to no? We have always loved each other and still do. How do you forget?

Beautifulsoul

It is very tough and there are no shortcuts. You take it one day at a time. You feel the pain and whatever emotions go through you. Initially it will be hard but time can be kind sometimes and in time you will heal. It sounds cliche but it is the truth. Best of luck to you and your son!

Ann

I found that I was able to work through my own pain with my son's addiction at my meetings. It was a healthy way to mend my own wounds without throwing shame and blame at him. He knew what he did, he knew he stole and lied and broke our hearts. Reminding him wouldn't change that and the answer to the question "Why??" is either "drugs" or "addiction".

My son continues to be lost in his addiction somewhere out there, but I have forgiven him a long time ago, which doesn't mean it was okay, it means that I have let go of the pain of what he did to us. Forgiveness freed "me" and let me get on with my life.

You may want to try some meetings. Whether he is clean or using doesn't matter, the damage this has done to you needs some work on your part if you want to heal and feel happy again.

How do you trust again? Perhaps by healing yourself and watching his actions...actions always tell us much more than words.

Good luck to both of you, I hope you have happier days ahead.

Hugs

jodigrind11

Thanks Ann. Werei have moved to in ar there are no meetings at least none i can find thats not 2 hrs from me. What would you are anyone else suggest? My oldest son was arrested a month ago for chemicals in his house. Hes been addicted to meth a long time. He lives 6 hrs from me. My daughter brought his children to me. They are living here now. Their 10 and 5.They have let him go and he signed over tempary custody to me.They have been living with my husband and i most of their life until my husband decided to start doing meth.My son was living at my home also until i had to sell house. Anyway he has called and said hes getting into treatment and has started going to church. I dont even no if i can believe anything he says. I want to because i want him to get clean and get a life so he can tske care of his children. I didnt think i would be going thru this still.Their mother lost custody when she went to prison 6 yrs ago. I love my grand children more thsn life its self but im sick and tired of dealing with this addiction.Any advise would be great.I sometimes want to just run away where no one can find me.

candi7

You need to develop emotional detachment skills...

I read this article all the time and thought I'd share:

Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM

jodigrind11

candii7 thanks for info. I just read whst you suggested and its alot like me. Ill really work on it. But taking my grand children in; is that considerd enabling? Kinda get confused at this part. Anyone got any answers?

Ann

I don't think it is ever wrong to protect the children. They are the innocents here and someone needs to be their voice.

Bless all the grandparents and great grandparents here who are taking care of the precious children.

Hugs

FindingErica

I almost got custody o my sisters son. He is an innocent child. The children are innocent, as long as they are not being used as pawns or incentives, I don't see this as codependency

Titanic

Good suggestions above!

The development of trust also can be enhanced and even a bit accelerated by honest (but not insensitively harmful) A-initiated sharing about past or present stuff, contrition and amends, promises kept (going forward), changes in behavior not just words, etc.

The A has to earn trust again. The A's own dignity and the family's life will be improved by that earning of trust. And the family ought be willing to forgive, and guardedly trust a step at a time.

peaceandgrace

Oh, Jodigrind! My prayers are winging your way. I can never imagine helping in a way that benefits the grandchildren, or any innocent children, is enabling.

My AS does not provide for my granddaughter. I love being able to pay her preschool tuition and to help pay for her mother's car so she can get her nursing degree.

In my opinion, the children are the ones whose hearts are broken the most by addiction. I have given my son over to the holy spirit. But, I hold his wife and child in my loving care as much as I possibly can.

Peace be with you, Jodigrind. I hear the pain in your words. You are not alone.

With compassion,

Peaceandgrace

zoso77

You don't forget the pain. You accept it, sit with it, and continue to move forward.

As far as how do you trust again...honestly, I have no idea. There is no legitimate reason why you should trust him. Five months of not using is nice and all, but your trust has to be earned by him. And judging from reading the stories from addicts in recovery on this board, it's going to take years. It's going to be, literally, one day at a time. Sometimes it'll be one moment at a time.

Remember: he has to earn trust.

ZoSo

jodigrind11

My heart was breaking as i listened to my 5 yr old grand son cry his heart out last night because he misses his dad. How can any one do this to their child? Drugs or no drugs! I feel like texting or calling him so bad and just telling him off !He says hes been clean for 45 days. If thats the case dhouldnt he have some kind of feelings? He has never cslled; i have all ways called him for the kids to talk to him. My little Brens heart is breaking!!!Why cant he see what hes doing? He doesnt deserve these wonderful children! How do u explain all of this to a 5yr old? Im so mad i could beat the s*** out of him!!!Hes out there living his life with another so cslled recovering addict who has also lost her kids. How does anyone handle this? Im sick of saying your dads sick and trying to get well. While were struggling.!!! I guess i just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

zoso77

This is awful. Truly awful.

Here's my take, and I'm going to be brutally honest.

Just because someone stops using doesn't mean their thinking automatically becomes healthy. It simply doesn't work that way. Addicts by their very nature are self-seeking, always on the hunt for some way to satisfy their pleasure center. They don't think about the consequences to their actions, or the price they'll pay down the road. Frankly, he is incapable of caring about how his actions affects his children. It's all about him. His eyes only look in one direction, and that's inward.

Sick people attract sick people, and it's only a matter of time before things with this woman blows up, not to mention there's a high probability he'll pick up again.

So, protect these children. Love them, comfort them, shield them from all of this awfulness. Then come here to vent as needed.

Be safe...
ZoSo

jodigrind11

Thanks Zoso. But what do i tell these children? Mariah is 10 but Bren is only 5 and doesnt understand. What do you say to them? Bren said( i still still love him and miss him.) It just breaks your heart.

zoso77

Man...I honestly don't know how to handle that.

It's important the kids know that they are loved and they are safe. And when Bren says he still loves and misses, acknowledge it.

I'm hoping someone wiser than I can guide you on this.

Be safe. Will be thinking of you and the kids tonight during my prayers.

ZoSo

supportforme

I'm in a little different situation; however, I had to tell my boys - 13 and 6 that their dad had an addiction. I told them that their dad has a disease. There dad is being controlled by this disease. This disease makes him make bad decisions that put him and the people that he loves at risk. Not because he's bad but because it is controlling him. I said dad loves you very much but he is being controlled by this horrible disease and he's trapped. I explained that there was nothing that they did to cause this, there is no way for us to fix this. All we can do is stay healthy and pray that dad gets the strength to get help because he's trapped. I got this advice from some of Cynical's posts. There is also a set of 3 very powerful youtube videos from the betty ford clinic on talking to children about their parent's addiction. If you need me to, I'll try to find them. Let me know. I also contacted both of their guidance counslers at their schools to explain the situation and I was lucky that they were both LADC and had experience with addiction. I gave them permission to discuss it with them so that they received reinforcement from other people in their lives that they trust. Maybe I went overboard but I brought them to their pediatrician as well and he also spoke to them. They were hesitant about therapy and only did 1 visit with my therapist back in May. I Hope this helps and God bless you and your grandchildren.

jodigrind11

Thanks supportforme that would be great. Still havent heard from my son. He hasnt called his kids yet.

supportforme

Jodi- Stay strong for yourself and those babies. Go to Cynical's page that's what saved me. Thanks Cynical - your page is my daily reading.

coffeedrinker

jodi,

bless you. i feel your anguish jumping off the page.

the children need to be protected, that's for sure, and i would not advise trusting their dad's sobriety for quite a long time. that means if they visit, it's JUST a visit.

they also need to hear, over and over again, that their father's sickness is separate from them, who they are and their goodness. for a 5-year-old, "daddy is sick" and he still won't understand, but he won't no matter what.

for you and your marriage....man.
after being in relationship with a tender man who turned into a violent dillusional scary man, i would never never trust a meth addict as far as i could throw him. that's not sour grapes by any means; just wouldn't.

now...you're not me.
you want to trust? it will take a long, long, long time...in my opinion. mine seemed stone cold sober one minute and those were mostly the minutes he would appear. these guys are so danged tricky -- they simply disappear when they're using. ("working" out of town? mine was working out of town....dealing)

yes, actions. no promise is ever valid until it becomes reality.

i also believe - again my opinion - that the addict needs to be accountable for a long time regarding past behaviors. as soon as he starts acting as though "that was then; this is now" or "why can't you move past it?" and getting frustrated or short-tempered with you about the past abuses, that's a red flag.

keep coming here, and make those children the priority every single minute. thanks.

jodigrind11

I am telling Mariah and Bren i love them every minute. Most of the time they dont ask as much. Bren seems to be really hurt mostly at bedtime. Its so sad. Mariah says she never wants to go back. I only have tempoary custody. My son signed tempoary custody over to me. He could take them back snytime. I pray he will leave them here everyday. Cant worry about that now . Im taking one day at a time. As fsr as my RAH things are going good, hes said he will spend the rest of his life making things right again. Hes working hard and all of us spend quslity time togeather. He says hes looking yoward the future. Im tsking one day at a time to learn to trust again. But i wont be letting my guard down anytime soon.. It will take alot of time. Well so fsr havent heard anything from my son, no phone calls to his children. And i will not call him.And thanks cynical one that site was very helpful. Thanks everyone