Boyfriend relapse... how to help him recover and gain trust again?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
Boyfriend relapse... how to help him recover and gain trust again?
After 9 months of being sober after his last DWI, (which is the longest he's ever gone sober... I started talking to him a month or two into his sobriety), my boyfriend has been in a relapse for the past 3 days. He was doing great the entire summer, but in the past week I have gone back to college and he decided to go to the fair... and somehow decided to have a beer. (I still can't figure out why he would when he was doing so well.) He is 24 and is on his 3rd DWI, whereas I am 19, the good child, and never intend on drinking in my life. It took me a few days to realize he started drinking again... I noticed him acting strangely, but by the third day he was acting like he didn't care about me at all. Being so far away, I can't go home to check on him, so I called his parents as my worry increased. They went and found him terribly drunk at a "friend"'s house. I told myself at the beginning of the relationship that I would break up with him if he ever started drinking again, but now that it has happened (and I never thought it would), I cannot bring my self to do it. I know he loves me, and I love him too. I can't help but feel that this was somewhat caused by me going back to school. I desperately want to help him, but I don't know how when I'm so far away. I also need to know how to regain trust when he started compulsively lying when he was drinking. 
It's been a rough few days... Please help?
It's been a rough few days... Please help?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
There's nothing you can do to help him. HE has to want sobriety, and it looks to me like as soon as he the opportunity (you weren't there) he chose to drink.
Don't let him drag you down and don't ever blame yourself for something he or anyone else chooses to do.
What does he have to offer you other than heartache?
Don't let him drag you down and don't ever blame yourself for something he or anyone else chooses to do.
What does he have to offer you other than heartache?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You going back to school did not make him drink. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. Three DWIs by age 24 is pretty much proof of that.
I know you want to help him, but you can't. You cannot fight this battle for him, it is his to fight, IF he wants to. You say he quit drinking for nine months, but are you sure of that? Even if he didn't drink, was he working any kind of recovery program? Willpower alone rarely works for the long haul.
Please focus on your own responsibilities, such as school, and allow him to figure out how to take care of himself. If he wants recovery, he will manage to get it even if you aren't there. You are not powerful enough to make him recover. None of us are. If love alone cured alcoholism, none of us would be here.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please read around the forum and be sure to read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of good information there.
I know you want to help him, but you can't. You cannot fight this battle for him, it is his to fight, IF he wants to. You say he quit drinking for nine months, but are you sure of that? Even if he didn't drink, was he working any kind of recovery program? Willpower alone rarely works for the long haul.
Please focus on your own responsibilities, such as school, and allow him to figure out how to take care of himself. If he wants recovery, he will manage to get it even if you aren't there. You are not powerful enough to make him recover. None of us are. If love alone cured alcoholism, none of us would be here.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please read around the forum and be sure to read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of good information there.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
He has a lot to offer me... mostly my happiness. Until this weekend things were great. I'm fairly certain he was sober for those nine months. I had never heard him behave like he has this weekend before. He has been seeing a therapist since the last DWI. Other times he had tried AA and rehabilitation places, but he felt they did not help. He showed interest and looked forward to the therapist meetings, though. He is frustrated with life. With his license taken away, he had to resign from his job, and sell his Audi. Not to mention, he wanted to be a pharmacist and the DWIs crushed his dreams of that. He didn't want to bring me into his life when everything was in disarray, but I convinced him to. He spent this morning telling me that he's a screwup and he doesn't know how I could like someone as stupid as him. I deserve someone better, he said. He's actually brilliantly intelligent and compassionate though, with the exception of the drinking issue. It's unfortunate timing that this happened, especially when he probably would have gotten his license back soon :/
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
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Oh, gosh. At age 19, I was at university and having a steady boyfriend was not on my agenda. At that point, I was focused on school and choosing a career and having fun going out. I was meeting all sorts of nice guys at school and getting into innocent trouble with girl friends.
Respect yourself enough to keep your promise to yourself. Respect him enough to let him make his own choices. If he decides to get sober and stay sober by the time you finish school, then you can always hook up again. Meanwhile, you should be having fun and enjoying life or else studying hard and getting the best marks possible in preparation for your adult working life. Or some mixture of the two.
If you feel like you need a babysitting job on the side, then get one that pays better. I've learned the hard way that babysitting an alcoholic really doesn't pay all that well.
I told myself at the beginning of the relationship that I would break up with him if he ever started drinking again
If you feel like you need a babysitting job on the side, then get one that pays better. I've learned the hard way that babysitting an alcoholic really doesn't pay all that well.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Why would he still not get his license back soon? Did he get in trouble with the law again?
I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway...You are only 19 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you. I know 24 doesn't sound that much older than 19, but they are crucial years. You deserve so much more than you can get from an alcoholic. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy when he isn't drinking, but, he does drink, and unless he is willing to do whatever is necessary to recover, he will continue to drink. As long as he makes excuses for not trying this or that, he doesn't want it badly enough. Again, you deserve better.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway...You are only 19 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you. I know 24 doesn't sound that much older than 19, but they are crucial years. You deserve so much more than you can get from an alcoholic. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy when he isn't drinking, but, he does drink, and unless he is willing to do whatever is necessary to recover, he will continue to drink. As long as he makes excuses for not trying this or that, he doesn't want it badly enough. Again, you deserve better.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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"He has a lot to offer me... mostly my happiness."
Happiness is an inside job, one creates their own happiness, another cannot do that.
At 19 you have your entire life ahead of you, why not take a break from him, see if he gets sober and stays sober for at least 1 year, while working a strong recovery program, if he does make it through the first year perhaps you can reconsider your relationship with him.
What's the hurry to tie yourself with an alcoholic, who already at age 24 has 3 DWI's? This guy has some serious issues, he is right, you deserve someone better...believe him, he is telling you the truth.
Happiness is an inside job, one creates their own happiness, another cannot do that.
At 19 you have your entire life ahead of you, why not take a break from him, see if he gets sober and stays sober for at least 1 year, while working a strong recovery program, if he does make it through the first year perhaps you can reconsider your relationship with him.
What's the hurry to tie yourself with an alcoholic, who already at age 24 has 3 DWI's? This guy has some serious issues, he is right, you deserve someone better...believe him, he is telling you the truth.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, period. Ultimatums don't work. If he wants to drink (which he did), then he will drink (which he did). An alcoholic has nothing to offer you and he cannot give you happiness because he isn't happy with himself. He will drag you down with him if you allow it. I hope you think more of yourself than to allow that to happen.
I know none of what you've read here is what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth. You came here because you knew we had experience in this area, so please, think long and hard about what is best for YOU. We will be here to support you in any way we can.
I know none of what you've read here is what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth. You came here because you knew we had experience in this area, so please, think long and hard about what is best for YOU. We will be here to support you in any way we can.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by equinegirl 
He has a lot to offer me... mostly my happiness.
He has three DUIs. He has no license or car. Is he employed?Living on his own and taking responsibility for his own life?
Other times he had tried AA and rehabilitation places, but he felt they did not help.
AA and rehabs are not magic bullets and do not cure addiction. Best case they provide someone who is highly motivated to change, opportunities to learn and practice some of the tools of recovery. It's entirely up to the individual to use those tools, or not.
It sounds like he was ordered by a court to get help- the opposite of wanting sobriety and recovery more than anything else.
He spent this morning telling me that he's a screwup ....
He has three DUIs. He has no license or car. Is he employed?Living on his own and taking responsibility for his own life?
Other times he had tried AA and rehabilitation places, but he felt they did not help.
AA and rehabs are not magic bullets and do not cure addiction. Best case they provide someone who is highly motivated to change, opportunities to learn and practice some of the tools of recovery. It's entirely up to the individual to use those tools, or not.
It sounds like he was ordered by a court to get help- the opposite of wanting sobriety and recovery more than anything else.
He spent this morning telling me that he's a screwup ....
He will change when and if he wants to do so and not a moment sooner. Saying and doing are two different things. Nothing you say or do or not will keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
When and if he wants to change, he knows where to get support from those who have walked miles in his shoes.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Man, this stinks, I know. You are in love with this boy, and he is self destructing. You see his potential, what he could be if only...
My daughter is turning 19 in a few months. I'll tell you what I told her. You have the rest of your life for drama. Go live life now on your terms, do the things you want to do, see the world, have adventures.
But I can guarantee you this is not what we mean by have an adventure.
Broken hearts suck, I know. But in the long run, you'll be better off for letting this one go. He's not relationship material right now, and that is simply the way it is.
Take care,
~T
My daughter is turning 19 in a few months. I'll tell you what I told her. You have the rest of your life for drama. Go live life now on your terms, do the things you want to do, see the world, have adventures.
But I can guarantee you this is not what we mean by have an adventure.
Broken hearts suck, I know. But in the long run, you'll be better off for letting this one go. He's not relationship material right now, and that is simply the way it is.
Take care,
~T
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by mstrdvr
The best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself, give him a reality check, either it's you or the booze. And dont back down
Establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves work when we enforce them.
" I don't do relationships with people in active alcoholism/addiction or early recovery" is a boundary. It respects that we all have the right to choose how we want to live our lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
I don't believe he has a parole officer, as his court date has yet to be seen. No, I'm not the typical 19 year old. I don't go out partying at school, and am normally the quiet one here. That's the way I like it. No, he hasn't been in anymore legal trouble. He does get drug tested every month though, so I don't know how long it takes to get out of your system/ when his next test is. And his character has changed since his last DWI. He was very mean and well... slept around a lot. Hadn't had a serious girlfriend since he was my age. I'm not the typical girl that he would hang out with, and I think I've made a difference in his life. Talking to his mother and another friend, they have both told me that it would be best for him if I stayed with him. I agree. If he does it again though, that's it. Other than the past few days, he has not had a drink since I've been with him. After an awful night, I sent him a letter telling him how I felt about the situation, and he cried, promising to never drink again. Things are still not the same right now, but better than a few nights ago. I feel that if I give up on him, he'll give up on himself. And as far as being his "babysitter", this was the first time I had to take care of him. Normally he is the one watching out for me, making sure I'm the best I can be. He's been a motivation for me. I'm happiest when I'm with him, and he with me. Happiness may all be in our heads, but I can't control it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. No one can make you happy but you.
Your alcoholic BF is throwing himself a pity party and you're the main invitee. It's a manipulation and you're falling for it.
What can a 24 year old with no car and no license possibly have to offer you? Why would you want to burden yourself with someone like this? You need to be focusing ALL of your energy and time on YOU. An alcoholic is a severe burden and they TAKE, they do not give. Just read around this forum a bit and you will begin to see this.
24 years old, 3 DWIs, no car, no license...he does not sound intelligent at all to me. In fact, he sounds right stupid. You can't help him and you need to help yourself. Focus on your studies and making new friends and connections at college, things and people that will serve you well the rest of your life. Because this guy won't.
Your alcoholic BF is throwing himself a pity party and you're the main invitee. It's a manipulation and you're falling for it.
What can a 24 year old with no car and no license possibly have to offer you? Why would you want to burden yourself with someone like this? You need to be focusing ALL of your energy and time on YOU. An alcoholic is a severe burden and they TAKE, they do not give. Just read around this forum a bit and you will begin to see this.
24 years old, 3 DWIs, no car, no license...he does not sound intelligent at all to me. In fact, he sounds right stupid. You can't help him and you need to help yourself. Focus on your studies and making new friends and connections at college, things and people that will serve you well the rest of your life. Because this guy won't.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I don't mean to scare you, but if this is his 3rd DWI, he may get more than just probation this time. The laws differ from state to state, but usually after the first one, the courts come down a little harder, as they should.
In any case, we see these questions and situations quite often here. We try to give a clue of what you are getting yourself into if you choose to stay in a relationship with an active addict. However, we cannot do anything other that give you our own experience and try to warn you. If you decide to stick with this guy, get ready for more of the same. While you say you will leave him if he does it again, you said that before and here you are wanting to give him one more chance.
You might check around your area for some al-anon meetings. You will need some face-to-face support if you plan to stay in a relationship with this guy. Please, take care of yourself.
In any case, we see these questions and situations quite often here. We try to give a clue of what you are getting yourself into if you choose to stay in a relationship with an active addict. However, we cannot do anything other that give you our own experience and try to warn you. If you decide to stick with this guy, get ready for more of the same. While you say you will leave him if he does it again, you said that before and here you are wanting to give him one more chance.
You might check around your area for some al-anon meetings. You will need some face-to-face support if you plan to stay in a relationship with this guy. Please, take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Ouch....
Well sweety, my wife relapsed last week in her 9th month of sobriety. About 6 weeks after she got sober was Valentines and well... one thing led to a brother (for my daughter)
Yup, six months pregnant, newly married, every dream she had coming true, carryina son she is madly in love with and I left her alone for 6 hours to do an activity and those 6 hours in a resort area where she'd watched people party all week was too much - she bought a bottle, went back to the hotel, poured some in a glass and the rest in a water bottle to hide for later, hid all the evidence then went down to the pool and had a drink.
Then she threw it up and stuck her fingers down her throat to make sure it was all out.
When I got back I was looking for something and saw the bag with the water bottle at the bottom of the suitcase and I knew right away what it was and of course I was right.
Wasn't a great honeymoon. Has been a very hard week since.
Now this girl - this wonderful woman.... I adore this woman. She is the sweetest, most loving, kind, caring.... she is also drop dead beautiful and the sexiest woman alive in my book.
And I do not regret being here, I do not regret marrying her or getting her pregnant one bit but I have made a very large challenge for myself and the odds are that I will fail completely to make a dent. Only she can choose to get well.
So I have a daughter about your age. Knowing what I know today, if she fell for an alcoholic I would probably make sure he went on to more useful purposes like say, fertilizing my garden.
In my situation, I made the decision to marry the woman who is carrying my son after 8 months of seeing her attend her aa meetings religiously and change her life completely. I've known her for several years and I have a lot of reasons for being willing to take this chance. For one thing, she and I are stuck with dealing with each other for life since we are to have a son soon. It makes it a lot easier to take a chance on marrying an addict, I would never marry one otherwise unless it had been years, several years, since they got sober and I was as certain as I could be that they would not go back to it.
So I am just thinking if you were my daughter or one of her friends, what would I say? I'd say it's time to let him go sweety. You have college and a future and a family and a life ahead of you and this is a critical time. You should have FUN and enjoy this time.
Caring for an alcoholic is hell. Your time, money, emotions are all consumed by someone else's disease. ...and it is a disease honey, it isn't him. The problem with this disease is that it infects the family and especially the significant other of the sick person 100% of the time.
From my research, most alcoholics stay drunks and never dry out for good. His prognosis is not good. You are not infected yet. Yes, you love him but you don't have kids, a home, a life together....
Run honey, run like hell. Go to school, have fun and follow the one rule I always promote but did not follow: Find someone who is less screwed up than you are and fall in love with THAT person.
I love my wife, I am going to fight like hell to help her get well. I have our marriage, son and our home as incentives. I have good friends who are doctors and lawyers who can help me if it gets icky and I have to drag her to rehab and lock her up or protect myself financially or legally... I am in my 40s and reasonably well off with the means to get the best care and help available and with all that in my favor and a woman who really wants to stay sober and believes in her heart that alcohol will KILL HER if she does not I figure my odds are less than 50-50.
What are yours? he is not afraid, is not going to lose a child, his home, his life (Which is at risk but at his age he feels immortal).
Sorry to lecture you sweety, you sound like a wonderful girl and I hate telling you to run like hell but I am saying exactly that. I have a reason to do this, you do not and if I knew then what I know now I would not have married my wife unless/until I saw her stay sober for a very very long time. like several years.
Go be a kid. You will have decades to deal with hardship and sorrow but it should not be while you are 19. Go be a college kid - not a nanny to a drunk.
Praying for you and apologies for lecturing ;-)
Well sweety, my wife relapsed last week in her 9th month of sobriety. About 6 weeks after she got sober was Valentines and well... one thing led to a brother (for my daughter)
Yup, six months pregnant, newly married, every dream she had coming true, carryina son she is madly in love with and I left her alone for 6 hours to do an activity and those 6 hours in a resort area where she'd watched people party all week was too much - she bought a bottle, went back to the hotel, poured some in a glass and the rest in a water bottle to hide for later, hid all the evidence then went down to the pool and had a drink.
Then she threw it up and stuck her fingers down her throat to make sure it was all out.
When I got back I was looking for something and saw the bag with the water bottle at the bottom of the suitcase and I knew right away what it was and of course I was right.
Wasn't a great honeymoon. Has been a very hard week since.
Now this girl - this wonderful woman.... I adore this woman. She is the sweetest, most loving, kind, caring.... she is also drop dead beautiful and the sexiest woman alive in my book.
And I do not regret being here, I do not regret marrying her or getting her pregnant one bit but I have made a very large challenge for myself and the odds are that I will fail completely to make a dent. Only she can choose to get well.
So I have a daughter about your age. Knowing what I know today, if she fell for an alcoholic I would probably make sure he went on to more useful purposes like say, fertilizing my garden.
In my situation, I made the decision to marry the woman who is carrying my son after 8 months of seeing her attend her aa meetings religiously and change her life completely. I've known her for several years and I have a lot of reasons for being willing to take this chance. For one thing, she and I are stuck with dealing with each other for life since we are to have a son soon. It makes it a lot easier to take a chance on marrying an addict, I would never marry one otherwise unless it had been years, several years, since they got sober and I was as certain as I could be that they would not go back to it.
So I am just thinking if you were my daughter or one of her friends, what would I say? I'd say it's time to let him go sweety. You have college and a future and a family and a life ahead of you and this is a critical time. You should have FUN and enjoy this time.
Caring for an alcoholic is hell. Your time, money, emotions are all consumed by someone else's disease. ...and it is a disease honey, it isn't him. The problem with this disease is that it infects the family and especially the significant other of the sick person 100% of the time.
From my research, most alcoholics stay drunks and never dry out for good. His prognosis is not good. You are not infected yet. Yes, you love him but you don't have kids, a home, a life together....
Run honey, run like hell. Go to school, have fun and follow the one rule I always promote but did not follow: Find someone who is less screwed up than you are and fall in love with THAT person.
I love my wife, I am going to fight like hell to help her get well. I have our marriage, son and our home as incentives. I have good friends who are doctors and lawyers who can help me if it gets icky and I have to drag her to rehab and lock her up or protect myself financially or legally... I am in my 40s and reasonably well off with the means to get the best care and help available and with all that in my favor and a woman who really wants to stay sober and believes in her heart that alcohol will KILL HER if she does not I figure my odds are less than 50-50.
What are yours? he is not afraid, is not going to lose a child, his home, his life (Which is at risk but at his age he feels immortal).
Sorry to lecture you sweety, you sound like a wonderful girl and I hate telling you to run like hell but I am saying exactly that. I have a reason to do this, you do not and if I knew then what I know now I would not have married my wife unless/until I saw her stay sober for a very very long time. like several years.
Go be a kid. You will have decades to deal with hardship and sorrow but it should not be while you are 19. Go be a college kid - not a nanny to a drunk.
Praying for you and apologies for lecturing ;-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 5
Yes, I am aware that his sentence may include jail time, unfortunately. And as far as him being stupid, he's not (with the exception of the drinking). Prior to this DWI, he was living in a housing development, bought an Audi by himself, and lived a fairly luxurious life because of how hard he worked, and an excellent money mind. He lost all of it because of this DWI. He also has a great willpower... decided he was overweight one day, and lost 85 pounds with no outside help. He is now a muscular 135 pounds. I don't know anyone else who has the will power to make such a dramatic change. I believe he can fix his life... but not without support.
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