Boyfriend relapse... how to help him recover and gain trust again?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Gosh, it's like my 19-year-old self went back through time and posted this. I was the "good girl," too. Didn't party, tended to my studies, didn't cause any trouble. Where I had a problem was finding a decent human being for a boyfriend. Like a good widdle codependent girl, I had it in my head that having a boyfriend and doing well in school were what I needed in life, and you couldn't tell me any differently. It's been 10 years since then, so let me give you some advice:
Ditch the boyfriend and focus on school. Graduate, get a good job, your own place, your own friends (who aren't codependent or addicts, preferably), and THEN think about finding a guy. The man you're in love with right now doesn't exist. What you're in love with is the thought of a man who cares about you and loves you back. An A loves their alcohol more than anything in the world, and they'll tear through your heart without a second thought in order to get it. You have the opportunity right now to let him go, instead of signing up for a free trip to hell on earth. You have a bright future. Don't waste it on him.
Ditch the boyfriend and focus on school. Graduate, get a good job, your own place, your own friends (who aren't codependent or addicts, preferably), and THEN think about finding a guy. The man you're in love with right now doesn't exist. What you're in love with is the thought of a man who cares about you and loves you back. An A loves their alcohol more than anything in the world, and they'll tear through your heart without a second thought in order to get it. You have the opportunity right now to let him go, instead of signing up for a free trip to hell on earth. You have a bright future. Don't waste it on him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 269
Sorry you're dealing with this crap. I echo what others said... you are at a stage in your life where you have SO many wonderful opportunities, important choices, and chances to do so many awesome things (travel for example). It is absolutely time to focus on YOU!
Also, I must say that I don't like the timing of his relapse... right when you go back to school. I worry that the next step is him saying "I can't stay sober if you're away" and that may pressure you to leave school. Please, please, please don't do that. Put yourself first. He clearly has no problem putting HIMself first.
Also, I must say that I don't like the timing of his relapse... right when you go back to school. I worry that the next step is him saying "I can't stay sober if you're away" and that may pressure you to leave school. Please, please, please don't do that. Put yourself first. He clearly has no problem putting HIMself first.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Okay then, let's say you decide you really want to stay with this guy for the rest of your life. The odds are extremely high that he will continue to have alcohol problems for the rest of his life. So... what to do?
In that case, I would immediately switch to studying medicine. I'd become a doctor, perhaps specialising in psychiatry, and make big bucks. A second choice will be to study law and become a terrific lawyer because he'll need one. Both would save me lots on various fees, and I would be able to support both of us on my single income. Third choice would be to become a psychologist and specialise in addiction. It would definitely come in handy.
If he manages to become sober and stay sober, then that's a bonus. But I would re-do any career plans to ensure that I was in a position to be able to handle whatever life or my alcoholic throws at me. And if the relationship didn't work out after several years or decades of my hard work then I'd still be in a solid position and have lots of options open for me.
In that case, I would immediately switch to studying medicine. I'd become a doctor, perhaps specialising in psychiatry, and make big bucks. A second choice will be to study law and become a terrific lawyer because he'll need one. Both would save me lots on various fees, and I would be able to support both of us on my single income. Third choice would be to become a psychologist and specialise in addiction. It would definitely come in handy.
If he manages to become sober and stay sober, then that's a bonus. But I would re-do any career plans to ensure that I was in a position to be able to handle whatever life or my alcoholic throws at me. And if the relationship didn't work out after several years or decades of my hard work then I'd still be in a solid position and have lots of options open for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Hello
Some good advice here - from peoples bitter experience..
For me after 5 years with a ex AH partner I would have to say if you dont leave your life will be full of pain..
Mine was sober for 9 months.. I bought a engagement ring marvelling at her only to come home and find her drunk. The nasty foul drunk was back.. groundhog day..
i have been very successful , loads of friends yet everything was crumbling under the weight of her being sober.. Even the strongest crumble..
getting better is a fairy tale.. Your life your loves can be real..
All the best
Some good advice here - from peoples bitter experience..
For me after 5 years with a ex AH partner I would have to say if you dont leave your life will be full of pain..
Mine was sober for 9 months.. I bought a engagement ring marvelling at her only to come home and find her drunk. The nasty foul drunk was back.. groundhog day..
i have been very successful , loads of friends yet everything was crumbling under the weight of her being sober.. Even the strongest crumble..
getting better is a fairy tale.. Your life your loves can be real..
All the best
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Equinegirl, A house, an Audi, and a life of luxury do not signify intelligence. It just means he wanted them and was able to get them. The DWI did not make those things go away, HIS CHOICES did. The willpower to lose weight likely came from his DESIRE to lose weight, probably evidenced by him sticking to a diet and exercise plan. They are not signs of strength, they are signs that he WANTED to do those things. Does it appear he wants to stop drinking?
What you think is "supporting" an alcoholic is actually enabling. One does not support an alcoholic in recovery. What exactly do you believe this "support" would actually entail?
There are so many men out there. You don't need to stick with this guy from a thousand miles away. Find someone who is not an alcoholic, someone with the same values, desires, and plans as you. Someone who is living the same lifestyle. Because equinegirl, the BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He is not going to magically become not alcoholic. He will always be alcoholic and the problems he is having now are only going to multiply and grow. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
What you think is "supporting" an alcoholic is actually enabling. One does not support an alcoholic in recovery. What exactly do you believe this "support" would actually entail?
There are so many men out there. You don't need to stick with this guy from a thousand miles away. Find someone who is not an alcoholic, someone with the same values, desires, and plans as you. Someone who is living the same lifestyle. Because equinegirl, the BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He is not going to magically become not alcoholic. He will always be alcoholic and the problems he is having now are only going to multiply and grow. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Man, this stinks, I know. You are in love with this boy, and he is self destructing. You see his potential, what he could be if only...
My daughter is turning 19 in a few months. I'll tell you what I told her. You have the rest of your life for drama. Go live life now on your terms, do the things you want to do, see the world, have adventures.
But I can guarantee you this is not what we mean by have an adventure.
Broken hearts suck, I know. But in the long run, you'll be better off for letting this one go. He's not relationship material right now, and that is simply the way it is.
Take care,
~T
My daughter is turning 19 in a few months. I'll tell you what I told her. You have the rest of your life for drama. Go live life now on your terms, do the things you want to do, see the world, have adventures.
But I can guarantee you this is not what we mean by have an adventure.
Broken hearts suck, I know. But in the long run, you'll be better off for letting this one go. He's not relationship material right now, and that is simply the way it is.
Take care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by equinegirl
Talking to his mother and another friend, they have both told me that it would be best for him if I stayed with him. I agree.
His mother wants you around so you can take over her co-dependent role. That's what's BEST FOR HER!
Why is it about what is BEST FOR HIM?
He is an adult. He can work out what's best for him. However, he has decided what is best for him is to be addicted. Oh, but with with you running around after him to pick up the pieces, make everything OK when he ***** up and taking over Mommy's role.
What is BEST FOR YOU?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by equinegirl
Talking to his mother and another friend, they have both told me that it would be best for him if I stayed with him.
That's because they don't want to put up with his BS, and they know you will, so they pawn that off on you!
I agree. If he does it again though, that's it.
I think he's already had too many "one more times", right?Other than the past few days, he has not had a drink since I've been with him.
But, you can't be his babysitter, and therefor his enabler, you have to let him deal with his own problems and issues. And when you go away and not there to hover over him, he'll go right back to where he was. It's not up to you, it's not your issue.After an awful night, I sent him a letter telling him how I felt about the situation, and he cried, promising to never drink again.
And that promise probably means nothing in the long run, so don't take much stock in that.
Things are still not the same right now, but better than a few nights ago. I feel that if I give up on him, he'll give up on himself. And as far as being his "babysitter", this was the first time I had to take care of him.
It won't be the last, trust me. Normally he is the one watching out for me, making sure I'm the best I can be. He's been a motivation for me. I'm happiest when I'm with him, and he with me. Happiness may all be in our heads, but I can't control it.
That's because they don't want to put up with his BS, and they know you will, so they pawn that off on you!
I agree. If he does it again though, that's it.
I think he's already had too many "one more times", right?Other than the past few days, he has not had a drink since I've been with him.
But, you can't be his babysitter, and therefor his enabler, you have to let him deal with his own problems and issues. And when you go away and not there to hover over him, he'll go right back to where he was. It's not up to you, it's not your issue.After an awful night, I sent him a letter telling him how I felt about the situation, and he cried, promising to never drink again.
And that promise probably means nothing in the long run, so don't take much stock in that.
Things are still not the same right now, but better than a few nights ago. I feel that if I give up on him, he'll give up on himself. And as far as being his "babysitter", this was the first time I had to take care of him.
It won't be the last, trust me. Normally he is the one watching out for me, making sure I'm the best I can be. He's been a motivation for me. I'm happiest when I'm with him, and he with me. Happiness may all be in our heads, but I can't control it.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by equinegirl
Prior to this DWI, he was living in a housing development, bought an Audi by himself, and lived a fairly luxurious life because of how hard he worked, and an excellent money mind.
Many, many raging alcoholics are highly intelligent, successful people working high-powered jobs. None of that negates the horrifying side that is their addiction. And these are just material things.... none of it accounts for who he IS or how he ACTS.
He lost all of it because of this DWI.
Please don't say this. He lost it BECAUSE HE DROVE WHILE INTOXICATED. No one DID this TO him, or took anything FROM him. He made bad decisions, no less than 3x, and those decisions affect how he moves forward in his life. He also has the choice to work every day toward correcting these wrongs, but it sounds like he's taking the pity-party route instead.
He also has a great willpower... decided he was overweight one day, and lost 85 pounds with no outside help. He is now a muscular 135 pounds. I don't know anyone else who has the will power to make such a dramatic change.
Me! I lost about 80 pounds when I was about the same age for no reason except that I needed to, chose to & worked hard to achieve the goal. And I did it sober. We ALL have the power inside us to do this, this is not a unique character trait belonging to him alone.
I believe he can fix his life... but not without support.
This is where you could not be more wrong, in my opinion. It is so important to understand that HE has to want it bad enough to do it with or without your support. If his sobriety depends on you he is destined to relapse, absolutely. In fact, you're giving him a reason to just by considering yourself so critical to his recovery. Please spend some time doing reading here about how this disease progresses & how hard it is on everyone in the addict's path. You are SO young & have so much ahead of you, please think long & hard about what you need to do for YOU.
Many, many raging alcoholics are highly intelligent, successful people working high-powered jobs. None of that negates the horrifying side that is their addiction. And these are just material things.... none of it accounts for who he IS or how he ACTS.
He lost all of it because of this DWI.
Please don't say this. He lost it BECAUSE HE DROVE WHILE INTOXICATED. No one DID this TO him, or took anything FROM him. He made bad decisions, no less than 3x, and those decisions affect how he moves forward in his life. He also has the choice to work every day toward correcting these wrongs, but it sounds like he's taking the pity-party route instead.
He also has a great willpower... decided he was overweight one day, and lost 85 pounds with no outside help. He is now a muscular 135 pounds. I don't know anyone else who has the will power to make such a dramatic change.
Me! I lost about 80 pounds when I was about the same age for no reason except that I needed to, chose to & worked hard to achieve the goal. And I did it sober. We ALL have the power inside us to do this, this is not a unique character trait belonging to him alone.
I believe he can fix his life... but not without support.
This is where you could not be more wrong, in my opinion. It is so important to understand that HE has to want it bad enough to do it with or without your support. If his sobriety depends on you he is destined to relapse, absolutely. In fact, you're giving him a reason to just by considering yourself so critical to his recovery. Please spend some time doing reading here about how this disease progresses & how hard it is on everyone in the addict's path. You are SO young & have so much ahead of you, please think long & hard about what you need to do for YOU.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by equinegirl
He lost all of it because of this DWI.
Have you ever known anyone that lost a loved one in a tragic accident because they were hit by a drunk driver? I have, a beautiful woman I know lost her husband & 1 daughter & her youngest was left crippled because they were hit by a drunk driver at 7 pm one Saturday evening as they were on their way to pick mom up from work. I will NEVER forget her pain or find any reason to justify anyone EVER driving intoxicated.
That woman, SHE lost it all because of a DWI. Your boyfriend has lost nothing in comparison. Just my $.02.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He had nothing, he lost nothing, no sense, no maturity, no respect for others. Driving while loaded is like having a loaded gun in your hands. It is childish and dangerous.
My friend lost her twins to a drunkin driver, she has never gotten over it, the driver sits in prison for life...good...he had 2 prior DUI's and was 35 years old. At least he is off the the street, he can no longer endanger anyone else.
IMO you are playing with fire and will get burned.
My friend lost her twins to a drunkin driver, she has never gotten over it, the driver sits in prison for life...good...he had 2 prior DUI's and was 35 years old. At least he is off the the street, he can no longer endanger anyone else.
IMO you are playing with fire and will get burned.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi equinegirl,
I imagined that with my support my husband of 16 years (alcoholic for the last 8 years of our marriage) could 'fix' himself, too. I tried for a long time to love, hassle, threaten, cajole, manipulate, beg, threaten, hug, support, force him into sobriety. It did not work. The alcoholic has to want sobriety more than they want to drink, which is a tall order for most.
In the end I learned that the very best thing I could do for him (and me) was to let him go to make his own decisions and live his own life. We all deserve the dignity of this.
You are young and just starting life. Don't go down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. If and when you climb out, you are changed in a most profound way and it's VERY hard to recover from it.
May I suggest that you look into attending some Al Anon meetings? This is a group designed for the friends and family of alcoholics. It might give some perspective. Also, read the book "Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketchum. Very good book that explains how alcohol works in the body and alcoholism in general.
I imagined that with my support my husband of 16 years (alcoholic for the last 8 years of our marriage) could 'fix' himself, too. I tried for a long time to love, hassle, threaten, cajole, manipulate, beg, threaten, hug, support, force him into sobriety. It did not work. The alcoholic has to want sobriety more than they want to drink, which is a tall order for most.
In the end I learned that the very best thing I could do for him (and me) was to let him go to make his own decisions and live his own life. We all deserve the dignity of this.
You are young and just starting life. Don't go down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. If and when you climb out, you are changed in a most profound way and it's VERY hard to recover from it.
May I suggest that you look into attending some Al Anon meetings? This is a group designed for the friends and family of alcoholics. It might give some perspective. Also, read the book "Under The Influence" by Milam and Ketchum. Very good book that explains how alcohol works in the body and alcoholism in general.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Ouch.
The more I hear the more I want to scream "RUN". For his family to say that it would be best if you had stayed close is just utter crap.
Anyone who is dealing with an active alcoholic would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have someone else take a turn managing them. Managing - not helping or healing, MANAGING.
Active alcoholics can not manage their life. In the case of my wife, when she drank heavily in the past she was diagnosed with other isues like severe depressive disorder, BPD and a slew of other issues. She hallucinated. She lost time and had no idea what had happened. She lied and asked me to lie to physicians and could not see how illogical and irrational and selfish her requests were. After she sobered up those maladies all went away. Her doctors said that she does not have those disorders, they are all ways that alcoholism mimics other severe mental disorders and in the presence of alcohol that wonderful person becomes a walking encyclopedia of mental disorders.
You find yourself doing things for them because they can't. You find yourself worrying that they will do something impulsive that will damage your life, your reputation, your career, your finances.
Alcoholics don't have good credit ratings because they tend to lose jobs, forget bills and make really BAD and impulsive decisions. 3 DUI's? My wife is still on probabtion from getting two of them 4 years ago. I had to get her car stuff taken care of and now that she is on my insurance, my insurance is twice what it was.
How about stress and worry? try to work when you know the alcoholic you are attempting to manage is drunk. Will they be alive when you get home? What will they break, spend, ruin?
So I found myself managing - or attempting to manage - an alcoholic while she was active. No form of beggin, pleading, crying, yelling or negotiating worked because she was not capable of rational throught while drinking. It took dropping her with a family member and telling her that either she got sober or we were through.
Think about this: You cannot be responsible for a person over whom you have no authority. Even when you do have the authority it is very hard because you cannot control another adult's decisions short of tossing them into rehab. I have friends my age with kids your age who they have real authority over: They control the alcoholic kid's money, car, home, EVERYTHING and still cannot manage them despite trying everything.
I love my wife and pray we can make it work and know that failure is far more likely than success and I have so many advantages you don't right now and I am certain that if she starts drinking again then the only one of them that will make a dent is my ability to sign her into a treatment facility until she stays sober or until it becomes clear that she will not in which case I will have to take control of my own life, get away from her and face 18 years of custody fights and misery.
I have serious motivation to make this work and a ton invested and at risk. You... don't. You are 19, the whole world is open to you and your future is wide open. Don't throw it away, don't take the risk I am taking when you don't have to.
I say that knowing that my wife is the most beautiful, wonderful woman I've ever known and I am CRAZY about her. I thought hard before taking this on and went in knowing I was likely to fail and be terribly hurt in 100 ways but if I knew then what I know now I would have kept it at friendship and never let myself fall for her unless/until she got well.
Sorry to rant but I just want so badly to let you know what it is like to be sleeping 2 hours per night and spending all of your time trying to help someone and care for them and keep them from killing themself instead of living a normal life. His disease will kill you as surely as it kills him. I don't hate him and understand that you love him but hate that disease and love yourself enough to realize it truly is not your problem.
The more I hear the more I want to scream "RUN". For his family to say that it would be best if you had stayed close is just utter crap.
Anyone who is dealing with an active alcoholic would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have someone else take a turn managing them. Managing - not helping or healing, MANAGING.
Active alcoholics can not manage their life. In the case of my wife, when she drank heavily in the past she was diagnosed with other isues like severe depressive disorder, BPD and a slew of other issues. She hallucinated. She lost time and had no idea what had happened. She lied and asked me to lie to physicians and could not see how illogical and irrational and selfish her requests were. After she sobered up those maladies all went away. Her doctors said that she does not have those disorders, they are all ways that alcoholism mimics other severe mental disorders and in the presence of alcohol that wonderful person becomes a walking encyclopedia of mental disorders.
You find yourself doing things for them because they can't. You find yourself worrying that they will do something impulsive that will damage your life, your reputation, your career, your finances.
Alcoholics don't have good credit ratings because they tend to lose jobs, forget bills and make really BAD and impulsive decisions. 3 DUI's? My wife is still on probabtion from getting two of them 4 years ago. I had to get her car stuff taken care of and now that she is on my insurance, my insurance is twice what it was.
How about stress and worry? try to work when you know the alcoholic you are attempting to manage is drunk. Will they be alive when you get home? What will they break, spend, ruin?
So I found myself managing - or attempting to manage - an alcoholic while she was active. No form of beggin, pleading, crying, yelling or negotiating worked because she was not capable of rational throught while drinking. It took dropping her with a family member and telling her that either she got sober or we were through.
Think about this: You cannot be responsible for a person over whom you have no authority. Even when you do have the authority it is very hard because you cannot control another adult's decisions short of tossing them into rehab. I have friends my age with kids your age who they have real authority over: They control the alcoholic kid's money, car, home, EVERYTHING and still cannot manage them despite trying everything.
I love my wife and pray we can make it work and know that failure is far more likely than success and I have so many advantages you don't right now and I am certain that if she starts drinking again then the only one of them that will make a dent is my ability to sign her into a treatment facility until she stays sober or until it becomes clear that she will not in which case I will have to take control of my own life, get away from her and face 18 years of custody fights and misery.
I have serious motivation to make this work and a ton invested and at risk. You... don't. You are 19, the whole world is open to you and your future is wide open. Don't throw it away, don't take the risk I am taking when you don't have to.
I say that knowing that my wife is the most beautiful, wonderful woman I've ever known and I am CRAZY about her. I thought hard before taking this on and went in knowing I was likely to fail and be terribly hurt in 100 ways but if I knew then what I know now I would have kept it at friendship and never let myself fall for her unless/until she got well.
Sorry to rant but I just want so badly to let you know what it is like to be sleeping 2 hours per night and spending all of your time trying to help someone and care for them and keep them from killing themself instead of living a normal life. His disease will kill you as surely as it kills him. I don't hate him and understand that you love him but hate that disease and love yourself enough to realize it truly is not your problem.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
If nothing else, instead of saying "One more slip and I am done", how about making him earn that chance?
How about: We ARE done. I will be your friend and I do care about you but here are the things I need to see you do and KEEP DOING before I even consider allowing you back into my life as more than a friend...
That list would include things like rehab, AA, staying sober and out of trouble for at least one year. Sober means sober, not just no booze. Alcoholism is addiction. For the alcoholic hte problem is not alcohol, it is addiction, alcohol is merely the drug of choice. Pain killers, Xanax, Pot.... all manner of subsitutes will do in a pinch. It takes time for the physical addiction to break and much longer for the mind to change and it does not happen through force of will "I can handle it" is like playing Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic.... something an active alcoholic would not see the folly of by the way.
How about: We ARE done. I will be your friend and I do care about you but here are the things I need to see you do and KEEP DOING before I even consider allowing you back into my life as more than a friend...
That list would include things like rehab, AA, staying sober and out of trouble for at least one year. Sober means sober, not just no booze. Alcoholism is addiction. For the alcoholic hte problem is not alcohol, it is addiction, alcohol is merely the drug of choice. Pain killers, Xanax, Pot.... all manner of subsitutes will do in a pinch. It takes time for the physical addiction to break and much longer for the mind to change and it does not happen through force of will "I can handle it" is like playing Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic.... something an active alcoholic would not see the folly of by the way.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Posts: 2,284
The court system can get pretty strict on a 4th DUI. I would expect him to get a lot of community service and maybe even a fine. He seems pretty thin at 135lbs. Is it possible he has been using drugs also??
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I would hope that a FOURTH DUI would get a whole lot more than that! I've only had one and I had community service, probation, fines, classes to attend and more stuff I can't even think of right now. My view is that a fourth should require jail time.
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