MrsDragon

I woke up this morning to hear my husband yelling and cursing. I thought our son was there and he must be yelling at him. So I jump out of bed, run downstairs, and find my husband all alone.

Husband tells me to go look at our pool. It is filled with blood red water, it's pouring down the rocks into the water. It was eerie.

There was also a towel soaked in blood red lying out of the pool, and my husband said he found a toy water pistol laying next to it.

My husband is furious. He called sons house and of course no answer, but left a message during his rage episode before I came down and demanded he come over.

We have all these people coming over in less than 24 hours for a party. People my husband works with, old friends. There is no way the pool can look like bloody water.

My husband called the pool man. He came over and said there was only one way to fix it quickly. Have pump truck come and remove all the water, wash it down, and then have water truck come to refill. Pool guy thought it was sort of funny and suggested we have a theme party and within a few days the filters will wash it out. I was afraid my husband was going to have a heart attack; so angry.

Our son came over just after husband and pool man finally found someone to come out. I didn't think son would show up; but he came in with an attitude like we can't take a joke, and there is no need to overreact. Leave the color he said because it was a Labor Day party, and was suppose to be a day to honor others blood, toil, sweat and tears. Might show his dad was appreciative of the people that work for him. Did not land well with husband, but he held his temper and asked him to leave because he didn't have time for his crap.

Nothing like this has ever happened before. I knew the work situation was going to ruin their relationship. Our son is angry. He thought this would be funny somehow ? Or he really wanted to be spiteful and hurt us? Hurt me. He made no distinction between me and his father & while I know this is trivial; it has me very upset because he knows how embarassing this would be if we cant fix it before tomorrow.

I know this instability is normal with drug use; I'm trying not to take it personally, but what won't leave my mind is why did he do this?

I'm asking for opinions if this sounds like a control battle between son and husband? Are we missing the humor? Is it a threat saying he might hurt himself in this way? My thought is to just let it go, and consider it a misguided prank.

kmangel

Well, you are seeing your son's true colors (no pun intended). He's acting very immature. I've heard that people who abuse drugs tend to be stuck at the age they first started using.

bjames

Wow! How old is he btw? I don't know what to say.

Ilovemysonjj

Malicious and entirely within your rights to charge him with vandalism.

Ann

I've seen and heard a lot over the years, but never anything as sick as this. This strikes me as something beyond drug addiction, it's almost psychotic that he would go to that much trouble to lay out such a gruesome scene.

This is beyond a harmless prank, this is sick. What next? Dead animals?

I am so very sorry, for all of you, but I think I would talk to a professional about this. If it was my son, I would take a restraining order out and have him arrested if he came anywhere near me.

I will keep you all in my prayers. Please keep yourself safe.

Hugs

MrsDragon

KMangel I appreciate your post here, and on the main thread I started. I had been meaning to reply back to you because I relate so much to the comments you make.

In this case, I dont think I can blame my sons age. He is almost 29, and he has only been involved with the drugs and drinking recently. He was never a problem as a child, or during school, or college. He was married and just recently divorced. I have spoke with his ex-wife, as she knew him since college and she says there was no drugs or out of control drinking she ever saw, and no signs that would make her think now it was the case.

Its more like this is my son natural sense of humor, but showing extremely bad judgement which I can only attribute to the substances.

It was pool dye. The pool man found empty bottles in the trash bin. Its not toxic or anything, but it looks awful because apparently he used a lot to make it such a crimson shade.

MrsDragon

That is not verycomforting since I see you have been on here since 2002.
My husband has already said he wants to talk to one of the therapist we have been dealing with to get his opinion.

peaceandgrace

I would be scared out of my wits. Just reading this gave me the willies.

Blood red water? A bloody towel? A toy gun? This sounds like the acts of either a psycopath or drug induced psychosis.

MrsDragon

I understand what you are saying, but neither of us think he was in any way making a threat against us. My only concern is that somewhere deep in his psyche he is thinking he would hurt himself, or because of the conversation wiht his dad a week ago, where he told him how out of control his life was; he is doing this to say ' is this what you mean'; and he thought in his mind it was funny and hurtful at once.

That is my main reason for posting; because I dont want this to be some kind of warning he would harm himself.

Its a family matter, and it ends there. All of it. There are very few exceptions that we would even consider to take it past that. I know most wont understand, but legal consequences will never come from us.

Anaya

Wow. How very frustrating. I hope you'll be sending your son the bill for the pool man's services.

I won't guess at what's going on in your son's mind, though, it's pretty evident both your husband and son are pretty angry right now.

I went through being in the middle of a husband/son power struggle and it was pretty rough.

Take care of you and I hope all goes well tomorrow.

zoso77

MrsDragon,

Do you really want to know what I think?

ZoSo

MrsDragon

Again, many wont agree with this belief... but I see countless posts on here about people with their addicts in jail, in and out of jail, warrants for arrest, often family presses charges. I have no criticism for anyone doing what they think is best; nor can I even begin to comprehend anothers situation.

But what I see is that these people are still using, sinking deeper, except now they have more problems that will effect their entire life; even if / when they quit using or drinking.

Believe me its a topic husband and I have talked about; we both feel that our putting him in the legal system would be much more harmful than not. If it happens outside our scope of control, then he will have to take responsibility, and face the consequeces.

I just dont see evidence that legal consequences is always best, or even usually best option.

cangel2

I too find this very disturbing and think that you are wise to get some professional advice.

Curious why you immediately jumped to the conclusion your son did this? I would have called the police the instant I discovered all of that....wouldn't have gone into the back yard and stayed safely inside until the police arrived.

Please look after your personal safety.

MrsDragon

Yes Zoso, here looking for opinions, thoughts.

zoso77

If a neighbor did this to your property, there'd be no hesitation on your part in calling the police.

This is outrageous. U N A C C E P T A B L E.

The mortal enemy of an addict or someone with a character disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder is accountability. And boundaries. If you don't hold him accountable for this, I can guarantee you this will embolden him.

ZoSo

suki44883

Not all of our input is going to be "comforting," and many times, it is not meant to be. You have started a few threads now about your son's drug use and associated issues. Yet, you have almost always poo poo'd our input and denied that your son's issues are that bad. Now, he has done something that is WAY out there, and yes, I agree it is almost psychotic, and you still refuse to see how messed up your son really is. I'm wondering exactly why you came here if you are going to shoot down practically everything we say.

Your son needs some serious help and it sounds like you and your husband could use some, too. Continuing to just sweep his actions under the rug will benefit no one.

MrsDragon

To be honest, had I looked out the window and found it first, I probably would have yelled for my husband before I went outside. But he made the discovery.

We have a security system and he bypassed it to get in, plus husband looked at the recording out by the pool before i got up and knew it was him.

Probably shouldnt mention this as it will get more 'hes crazy' responses, but he had a girl with him, and they "made out" by the pool and swam in the red water.

MrsDragon

I dont think Ive poo pood anyones responses. And I have never said our sons issues were not serious. He is very sick; My husband removed him from his business because of his actions. He tried to coax him into treatment using that as leverage. But we cannot force him to submit to our will. He is still our son, and we have to make decisons that we can live with, and that we think are best for our family. So while I respect everyones opinions Suki, I dont agree with everything that is said, or the tone in which some people say it.

Kindeyes

MrsDragon
Many of us have been where you are with an adult addicted son or daughter. There are many phases and behaviors that we go through as we progress along with the disease of addiction....our "sickness" is often as bad....or worse....than theirs is.

1. Denial - we deny the problem or refuse to believe it is as bad as it really is.
2. Minimize - we minimize the addict's behavior and make excuses for him/her.
3. Protect - we protect them from the consequences of their use...always with the best of intentions.
4. Lie - in some cases we lie to protect the addict from the authorities or the wrath of other family members.
5. Behave inappropriately - we do things that to any "normal" person would be thought of as inappropriate but to us, at the time, it makes perfect sense.
6. Enable - all of the things above enable the addict to remain and progress in their disease.
7. Enmesh - we don't know where we end and the addict begins. We take responsibility or make excuses for their behaviors. We become so wrapped up in their lives to the point that we are trying to live their lives for them.
8. Control - we try to control the addict by triangulating with other members of the family or trying to control the relationship between the addict and other people. Or we try to control their behavior, relationships, work, money, you name it.....we try to control it.
9. Accept the unacceptable - we allow behaviors from the addict that we wouldn't accept from other human on this planet.
10. Obsess - we obsess about what the addict is doing, why they are doing it, who they are doing it with, where they are doing whatever they're doing.....you get the drift.
11. Hide it - we are sometimes so concerned about the social embarrassment that our son's/daughter's addiction causes US....that we will hide it and deny it to prevent our own embarassement.
12. Hold a separate set of rules for the addict - we don't hold them to the same standards as we do anyone else.....question for you......if you found out that the brat down the street did this little number on your pool.....would you report it to the police?
13. Terminal uniqueness - is thinking that our addict is not like "those other addicts" and we aren't like "those other addict's families". We're special. He/she's special.
14. Loss of control of our own lives - as the addiction progresses, we become so embroiled in trying to control the life of the addict that we lose ALL control of our own lives and our own relationships.
15. Self Righteousness - sometimes we think because we are a certain color or are of a certain economic status or live in a certain area or go to a certain church, have a certain level of education, etc. that we are immune to addiction.
16. Siding with the addict - we often take sides with the addict against another healthier member of the family. We tag team with the addict to get the other family members to become engaged in "the dance".

These are just a few of the characteristics/behaviors that occur in families who are dealing with addiction. I'm not talking about behaviors of the addict. I'm talking about OUR behaviors. We become unknowing participants in the dance of addiction. And it takes a very long time sometimes before we know that we're even on the dance floor.

This is the family disease called addiction.

I was blindsided by the addiction of my son several years ago. I thought I could "fix" it. I thought it was just a phase. I did every single one of the things listed above at some point in time. It wasn't a phase. It's a very real disease that completely consumes a person and everyone around them. If your son is an addict, I would gently suggest that you read as much as you can about addiction, how it works, how it affects families and how we did not cause it, cannot cure it and cannot control it.....but we can certainly contribute to it.

I don't think this was a threat of "self harm" from your son. It was a very cruel, sick joke that in an addict's mind would be funny as hell. Your reaction was exactly what he came over to see. It was the cherry on top. He knew you were having a party (you invited him to it) and he knew this would mess it up and cause you AND your husband a lot of stress and anxiety. And from an addict's point of view, if you don't think it's as funny as he thinks it is...then you're the one who is messed up. That's just the way an addict thinks.

Your husband has the right to be very ticked off.

gentle hugs
ke

Katiekate

I'm trying not to take it personally,

I'm not sure how you can not take this personally.

It is personal. If a perfect stranger had done it you would have taken it personally , even if it wasn't.

He is your son, he violated you. With no concern whatsoever how it would impact you. It's personal.

Drug addiction aside, it's unacceptable behavior, with no consequences.