suki44883

I agree with this 100%. Addicts are generally way too self-centered and selfish to harm themselves. The last thing this stunt was, was a cry for help. It was more a sick practical joke and yes, it was personal.

Vale

Zoso wrote:

The mortal enemy of an addict or someone with a character disorder like Borderline
Personality Disorder is accountability. And boundaries. If you don't hold him

accountable for this, I can
guarantee you this will embolden him.

ZoSo
================================================== =======
I agree.No boundaries embolden---no consequences invite repetition!

If a worm is taught a trick,like how to avoid an electric shock/chose the

path that leads to a treat-----it remembers.

If cut in half (ewwwww!!)......both halves remember the trick!

Not in any way suggesting bifurcation of addicts----just noting
they have a profoundly developed sense of how much they can get
away with and with whom.

Thats why family is their favorite target----and why they avoid
the highly polarized/non-neutrals of society.

LoveMeNow

I hope you never have to understand why a parent would press charges against their own child. Many of have resisted it as well. We didn't want their futures effect, blah, blah, blah.

However, there comes a time when we realize we are "loving them to death" and KNOW that they must feel the consequences for their choices.

When the pain of using out weighs the pain of not, only then will an addict will seek out help. Until then - if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Did your husband take his stash, if so - I think this is your son's was of retaliating. JMHO

LoveMeNow

Does anyone have the link to Cocaine Abuse - I can not find it!

suki44883

I'm not sure which one you mean, but this is a good one...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...disorders.html

LoveMeNow

Thank you Suki!! That's the one!!

LoveMeNow

MrsDragon - I know you said your son could resign and have no money issues but I can't help wondering if his "impropriety" was embezzlement. If so, his financial situation may not be what you think and he will need to step up his manipulation as he becomes more desperate. Just a thought or word of caution to share!

laurie6781

Based on everything you have posted so far Mrs Dragon, I suspect, no
I BELIEVE your son has been an addict for far longer than you think he
has.

It is just recently that it is getting out of control and things started happening
at work that brought it to light. I believe he has probably been indulging
for at 3 years or more, far longer than either you or your husband have
suspected.

I also agree with all the previous posters that by not reporting this to the
police you are setting yourselves up for more harassment and costly
'pranks' and Lord knows what else. Your husband and you took away his
nice 'cushy' job with a decent paycheck and a car and cell phone, and his
addiction is pizzed.

If you and your husband are unable or unwilling to attend Naranon and/or
Alanon then I would suggest that you both get into some heavy duty private
therapy YESTERDAY. Also strap yourselves in as you are in for one hell of
a roller coaster ride, along with a good long stretch on the crazy train.

What has transpired with your swimming pool is just 'the tip of the ice berg'
and it is going to get a lot worse from here on out.

I predict the time is coming, sooner rather than later when you and hubby
will have to take out a restraining order against your son. Please keep a
record of this and the tape that the cameras made showing him messing up
the pool, as there will be more evidence before long and you will have back
up for your request for a restraining order. And no you won't be the first
parent that has had to do this, and you won't be the last.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so
very much! We are walking with you in spirit, even though you may not
think so yet.

Love and hugs,

suki44883

Not to mention (okay, I'll mention it) the fact that he had a large quantity of drugs in his home, along with a gun. It sounds like he is doing more than just using, he is also dealing. When you put all of these things together, I agree that it sounds like he has been involved in this for far longer than you think. The issue with the swimming pool, bypassing your security, making love with a girl and swimming in the dyed water all sound like cocaine induced mania.

At the very least, I hope you and your husband will change the codes on your security system and the locks on your doors. It is highly probable that he isn't yet done messing with you.

Learningtodeal

This was not a cry for help. It was merely an act of revenge, a way to hurt you both. He wanted to embarrass you or cause you grief to retaliate. The fact that he came over afterwards was to see that his plan worked and also to prove that he does not fear you because there are going to be no consequences for him and he knows that. Just like a schoolyard bully, the best thing to do at this point is to ignore him (no contact) unless you press charges also. But, it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

LoveMeNow

No doubt that she is addict too. I agree with the other posters, your son's cocaine use has been going on for a lot longer than anyone knew. Most likely, recreational use has crossed over to addiction and it progressed to point - where he can no longer hide it.

Untreated addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death. (NA).

His "joke" is the result of you and husband trying to come between him and his addiction. Sadly, you can expect more of the same!

GardenMama

I know how it feels to be completely blindsided by a child's behavior. My 18yo (recovering)AD was using heroin in my home, undetected by me, while she also thrived in college level courses before she'd even finished high school. She used for 2 years before overdosing last fall. Yes, how stupid I felt, how humbled and humiliated I was. But that's another story for you once you get into a more safe space.

At this point, IMHO, it is a waste of time, breath & pixels for you to repeat, write, or even think that he wasn't using until recently. That's what they all want us to believe at first. The lies are pure gold, pure and smooth and shiny. Besides the fact that this utterly revolting act of his is the work of a very ill person, your insistence on coming to his defense and minimizing his behavior puts you at great risk. He will act again and who knows what he will do next? I agree with everyone else here about security, locks, your safety, immediate therapy & consultation with professionals. He is messing with you on a very psychologically disturbing level. And calling it a joke makes it even more disturbing. Not to mention the girl, the swimming, etc. Professionals won't use the word "crazy" and no one worth his/her salt here will, either.

Mother to mother, I also want you to know that I do really understand what it feels like to NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THE TRUTH when you've been lied to so many times that the lies became your truth. It's really painful. But recently, months after her near-fatal overdose, her truth came out. Now that I know she lied for two years, and now that I know the truth, I can make decisions that are based on MY truth, my needs, and my safety. I can move forward, and so can she.

I hope you can move forward in the best interest of your self and your husband's well-being. Your son has his own life to live. Be wary.
Take care.

outtolunch

Do you think another cream brulee and note from mom will help?

Kindeyes

Do you really think that it's the first thing people did? Most of them thought just like you are thinking.......the son/daughter will simply come to their senses and stop this nonsense.

Yes....it's the nature of the disease.

Very typical thinking early after discovering an addict in the family.

It's not. But sometimes it's the only option. I pray that it doesn't get there for you but IMHO, it's already there. But then.......maybe he's a unique addict......they all are........to their families......in the beginning.

I found out a while back that a friend of my son's had stolen from his family and I asked my son "Why on earth would someone steal from their FAMILY--people who love them, people who don't WANT to press criminal charges against them!"

His answer was simple "They steal from their family because it's safe. They are banking on the fact that the family won't turn them in."

I assure you that turning an adult son/daughter in to the police or filing a restraining order is the LAST thing that anyone wants to do. Many have done it because games like your son is playing have gone on and on and on and chances have been given time and time and time again. Parents and families TEACH them to continue to do the stuff they do.....because they put up with it. And it gets worse......it doesn't get better by itself......it is a progressive and deadly disease.

I want to add that I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. It is obvious that it is causing you a lot of heartache. As a mother, I do understand how very hard this is to accept. No mother should have to accept that their adult (or minor) child is an addict. It is an extremely painful realization.

You are not alone. We are walking with you.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

This forum is full of people who either had no clue that some one they cared about was abusing drugs and/or they were in deep denial. My own screen name was chosen because I had no clue about my daughter's substance abuse and she was right under my nose, all the time.

I did not know what I did not know.

suki44883

Thanks for that link, CO. It is VERY informative.

outtolunch

If you do nothing else, change your security codes to something he will not be able to figure out /bypass and do so, now.

PrayingMama

I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS. I was chilled when I read the initial post. I do not understand. Any of it. The "prank" The response (aside from the father's anger). There is no place in my head or heart that comprehends this--from a man who is almost 30 years old--directed at his loving parents. It is incomprehensible to me, addiction or no addiction. And he brought a woman with him, no less. It is one of the ugliest gestures of disrespect I have ever heard of.

I wish you and your family peace as you proceed from here, and for some light to be shed in your lives. And that you are safe.

outtolunch

Back when my daughter was in active addiction, my husband and I went away for vacation. We returned home to find the interior of our home had been destroyed. She had guests and apparently, those guests urinated and deficated on all the upolstrey/oriental carpeting/walls. The hardwood floors were gouged. Our identities were stolen. Furniture, dishes and glassware were broken. Window had been shattered and more.

I seriously thought about calling the Police and decided against it because I did not want to ruin my daughter's life.

However, I did meet off the record with a local Police detective. He gave me solid counsel which I decided did not apply to my daughter.

He made it clear that families were common targets because families usually do not call the Police/press charges. He spent a lot of time impressing upon me how much danger my daughter was in every time she made a dope run. The more money/drugs involved-the greater the risk of a deal gone bad. He also impressed upon me the increased risk of overdosing because the potentcy of drugs is unknown and addicts do not do moderation, well.

My need to protect my daughter was every bit as strong as her need to protect her addiction.

lightseeker

I am really sorry that you are going through this...... I know that none of this is remotely anything you would have ever anticipated.

But....that's also life. It's messy and it's dirty. And just because we want something to "be" it won't be. So, how are you going to deal with this?

It's easy to delude yourself (that's one of my main character deficits) regarding the degree of sickness in a situation. No....this was NOT a prank.....nothing close to it. It was a very obvious attempt to hurt, embarress, scare, mess with, intimate you and your husband. And yes....it was towards both of you. It was calculating and sick. And to swim in it with a girl he was with....I seriously doubt if either of them were sober. If you want to know the depth of depravity of this drug - take a look at what your son has done.

Yes, he needs help. However, there is nothing that you can do that will require him to accept the help. No one knows the future but it sounds like you are in a place where you really need some professional support and guidance for you. I hope that you will refrain from making decisions about what you will and won't do in the future regarding your son because you really don't know where this might go. Today you are choosing a path but making global statements seems to invite that very scenario that might challenge that belief....at least that is what has happened in my life.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today that is a PhD pscyhologist. She said that all of her years of study/therapy for herself only resulted in insight. It wasn't until she began an Alanon program that she was able to "change" and begin to act in healthier ways. Therapy is great - but honestly, with the issues that you have going on Alanon or Naranon might possibly be what saves YOUR life. I hope that you will consider going. And if you do go....try your best not to focus on how "different" your situation is but look for the similarities.

Your son might not have been a sociopath/borderline/psychopath when he was "sober".....but his current behavior is definitely abhorant and deranged. For whatever reasons he has progressed in his addiction and deteriorated pysychologically. Trying to figure out when it began is pointless....I think that you are a really long way from getting to the bottom of the truth so why bother. Labelling it is pointless too...but observing the traits and the behaviors is certainly warranted. And recognizing those behaviors identifies the degree that you need to protect yourself. Even one trait that is identified in the range of pathopsychology means that the relationship is only going to function in a toxic way. It doesn't mean that you can't love that person but it does identify steps that are needed to be safe physically and emotionally.