I'm new here, looking for advice on romantic relationships with an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 5
I'm new here, looking for advice on romantic relationships with an alcoholic
I worry that if I tell everyone here that I'm 4 and 1/2 months (roughly) in a romantic relationship with someone who's an alcoholic, everyone might think that's such a short time, and why continue in this commitment (this was something I worried about with Al Anon meetings--it seems a lot of people were there who were children of, siblings of, or had other very long-term ties to alcoholics, and as the 4-month-long girlfriend, I didn't think my problems were as serious as others' and didn't deserve to be there) but we have taken steps that indicate that this is something serious and has a future. He's meeting my parents tomorrow. I'm going out of state with him for a week at the end of the month to meet his family. We tell each other we love one another all the time. We're in this. But his drinking is driving us apart, and I don't know what to say anymore about it. I don't want to say the wrong thing that will make him feel guilty but I can't keep my mouth shut because I don't want him to enable him. It's really tricky.
A little background. Our first date we discovered we don't drink. I don't drink because I'm better off without it, and lost my taste for it. We didn't go into why he wasn't drinking. But we were happy to hit upon this shared thing, this sober living. A few dates later he told me he's in AA. I congratulated him on his sobriety, told him it was really commendable that he's getting help. And I really was so happy to be with someone who wasn't drinking, someone who would go through the nervousness of dating without the use of alcohol, with me. It was all pink and roses, he was so enthusiastic about being sober, being active and working out, he seemed so happy. Then little by little he would confide in me that he was moving toward the drink. He was less enthusiastic about AA, he didn't feel like working the problem, didn't feel like calling his sponsor every day, he wanted to dedicate his life to other things other than AA, it felt like a chore, etc. He called me the night he drank. It was almost 3 months into the relationship, and I think after 5 or 6 months of sobriety for him. He felt really guilty and needed someone to confess to. I immediately thought I caused this relapse somehow, that I'm making him unhappy and he has to drink to ease this. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I realized later that this probably didn't have to do with me. He said that was his one night of drinking, and he got it out of his system. Wrong. He drinks now pretty much everyday. At first, it seemed like he wasn't that bad. But now it's like he doesn't know when to stop.
In the last few weeks, t's taken a toll on the relationship. He used to care about me more. He used to care about making me happy. Now he simply does not. When he drinks, I don't even exist. When he's hungover, or hasn't had a drink, he's cranky and uninterested. I told him from now on, when he's drinking or hungover I don't want to be around him, but somehow I get roped into being company for him while he's drunk or recovering from the night before. Our nights revolve around sitting at the SAME bar where he gets drunk, goes out for a million cigarettes that take him 10 minutes to smoke while I sit by myself drinking club soda after club soda. He has become so selfish and thoughtless and I feel more and more like a mother figure with whom he has sex rather than his partner. He doesn't take me on dates, he doesn't care about impressing me anymore, and this lack of motivation is apparent other areas in his life--when we started dating he was really into his boxing training and really motivated, and now that's faded into the background (once he tried to put that on me saying he sacrifices that time because being with me is more important and I called him out on that and he admitted that was wrong to say and he's aware of all the times I try to encourage his athletics and do things to try and wake him up early so he can go.) When he first started drinking again, I got used to it. It was only a few beers at a pace. But a few weeks ago, I saw how much he'd drank this one night, and so fast, and so uncontrollably that it frightened me. And that's how he drinks now. Like he's never going to drink again and he's got to drink everything right away. But I don't know what to do. This is affecting me now, so I feel like I have to say something. But the Al Anon literature was saying not to nag, not to guilt or give ultimatums, but I have to say something. I have to give him a chance at saving this relationship and restoring it to how we started, which, when I tell you it was the most perfect love that the gods themselves would be envious of, I'm not exaggerating. I don't want to say the wrong thing that's going to make him feel worse and then drink. He told me that many mornings he still reads the AA literature, which makes me feel a little better. His cousin who he lives with who has other drug problems, he knows what it feels like to love an addict and know the frustration of watching them destroy themselves. He tells me all the time how helpless he feels in relation to his cousin, that he just wants him to get help, that he thinks he's in control of his meth use and he can't get him to see that he's not. So he must see that this is probably how people feel about his drinking, right? I think we may be close to him seeking help again. One night I was so upset with how much he drank and how much he ignored me when he was drinking that I slept on the couch and he was out cold that he didn't even notice. And when I explained in the most gentle way possible that I was upset and didn't want to tell him until he was sober, and couldn't sleep, it got to him. He said the other night that it made him consider his drinking more. Maybe, maybe we're almost there. So do I have another talk with him? Do I wait it out? I know I'm going to have to take a stronger stance on not being with him when he drinks. If he tells me to meet him at his after-work bar, I now learned that that means we're gonna end up staying there, not going out and doing something I might enjoy for a change, and I should just tell him "no." I used to think that would just be where we meet up to go somewhere else for the night, but now I know it's impossible to get him away. He's a good person, he really is. He loves his family, his friends, me. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with him so much...he loves people, like I do, and he's so genuine about it and doesn't hide his love for anyone. He's one of the most honest people I ever met, and sweet and caring. He has it in him to be this amazing person, that's who I fell in love with. So there's no way that I can walk away. He doesn't care about being cool, or material things, he cares about other people, and his relationships to them. And he's funny, and beautiful and respectful and never said a mean or controlling thing to me. Maybe this makes it more difficult for him to recognize his problem...it's not that he becomes a monster or abusive or violent when he drinks, he just simply becomes incredible self-centered and thoughtless and lazy.
Sorry this went on for so long, the writing is very relieving for me right now. I know I can't save him or his drinking--he has to do that. But how do I save this relationship?
A little background. Our first date we discovered we don't drink. I don't drink because I'm better off without it, and lost my taste for it. We didn't go into why he wasn't drinking. But we were happy to hit upon this shared thing, this sober living. A few dates later he told me he's in AA. I congratulated him on his sobriety, told him it was really commendable that he's getting help. And I really was so happy to be with someone who wasn't drinking, someone who would go through the nervousness of dating without the use of alcohol, with me. It was all pink and roses, he was so enthusiastic about being sober, being active and working out, he seemed so happy. Then little by little he would confide in me that he was moving toward the drink. He was less enthusiastic about AA, he didn't feel like working the problem, didn't feel like calling his sponsor every day, he wanted to dedicate his life to other things other than AA, it felt like a chore, etc. He called me the night he drank. It was almost 3 months into the relationship, and I think after 5 or 6 months of sobriety for him. He felt really guilty and needed someone to confess to. I immediately thought I caused this relapse somehow, that I'm making him unhappy and he has to drink to ease this. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I realized later that this probably didn't have to do with me. He said that was his one night of drinking, and he got it out of his system. Wrong. He drinks now pretty much everyday. At first, it seemed like he wasn't that bad. But now it's like he doesn't know when to stop.
In the last few weeks, t's taken a toll on the relationship. He used to care about me more. He used to care about making me happy. Now he simply does not. When he drinks, I don't even exist. When he's hungover, or hasn't had a drink, he's cranky and uninterested. I told him from now on, when he's drinking or hungover I don't want to be around him, but somehow I get roped into being company for him while he's drunk or recovering from the night before. Our nights revolve around sitting at the SAME bar where he gets drunk, goes out for a million cigarettes that take him 10 minutes to smoke while I sit by myself drinking club soda after club soda. He has become so selfish and thoughtless and I feel more and more like a mother figure with whom he has sex rather than his partner. He doesn't take me on dates, he doesn't care about impressing me anymore, and this lack of motivation is apparent other areas in his life--when we started dating he was really into his boxing training and really motivated, and now that's faded into the background (once he tried to put that on me saying he sacrifices that time because being with me is more important and I called him out on that and he admitted that was wrong to say and he's aware of all the times I try to encourage his athletics and do things to try and wake him up early so he can go.) When he first started drinking again, I got used to it. It was only a few beers at a pace. But a few weeks ago, I saw how much he'd drank this one night, and so fast, and so uncontrollably that it frightened me. And that's how he drinks now. Like he's never going to drink again and he's got to drink everything right away. But I don't know what to do. This is affecting me now, so I feel like I have to say something. But the Al Anon literature was saying not to nag, not to guilt or give ultimatums, but I have to say something. I have to give him a chance at saving this relationship and restoring it to how we started, which, when I tell you it was the most perfect love that the gods themselves would be envious of, I'm not exaggerating. I don't want to say the wrong thing that's going to make him feel worse and then drink. He told me that many mornings he still reads the AA literature, which makes me feel a little better. His cousin who he lives with who has other drug problems, he knows what it feels like to love an addict and know the frustration of watching them destroy themselves. He tells me all the time how helpless he feels in relation to his cousin, that he just wants him to get help, that he thinks he's in control of his meth use and he can't get him to see that he's not. So he must see that this is probably how people feel about his drinking, right? I think we may be close to him seeking help again. One night I was so upset with how much he drank and how much he ignored me when he was drinking that I slept on the couch and he was out cold that he didn't even notice. And when I explained in the most gentle way possible that I was upset and didn't want to tell him until he was sober, and couldn't sleep, it got to him. He said the other night that it made him consider his drinking more. Maybe, maybe we're almost there. So do I have another talk with him? Do I wait it out? I know I'm going to have to take a stronger stance on not being with him when he drinks. If he tells me to meet him at his after-work bar, I now learned that that means we're gonna end up staying there, not going out and doing something I might enjoy for a change, and I should just tell him "no." I used to think that would just be where we meet up to go somewhere else for the night, but now I know it's impossible to get him away. He's a good person, he really is. He loves his family, his friends, me. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with him so much...he loves people, like I do, and he's so genuine about it and doesn't hide his love for anyone. He's one of the most honest people I ever met, and sweet and caring. He has it in him to be this amazing person, that's who I fell in love with. So there's no way that I can walk away. He doesn't care about being cool, or material things, he cares about other people, and his relationships to them. And he's funny, and beautiful and respectful and never said a mean or controlling thing to me. Maybe this makes it more difficult for him to recognize his problem...it's not that he becomes a monster or abusive or violent when he drinks, he just simply becomes incredible self-centered and thoughtless and lazy.
Sorry this went on for so long, the writing is very relieving for me right now. I know I can't save him or his drinking--he has to do that. But how do I save this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
After 4 1/2 months I would just say cut your losses and run. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years and tried everything to get him to stop drinking. In the end that's only a decision you can make. Just take what you are experiencing now and propel it into infinity, is this the way you want to live the rest of you life, babysitting him in some stupid bar?
Maybe he isn't abusive but self-centered, thoughtless and lazy are not characteristics I would use to describe my ideal mate. Most A's have very lovable characteristics but with them the alcohol always comes before you do.
After 4 1/2 months I would just say cut your losses and run. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years and tried everything to get him to stop drinking. In the end that's only a decision you can make. Just take what you are experiencing now and propel it into infinity, is this the way you want to live the rest of you life, babysitting him in some stupid bar?
Maybe he isn't abusive but self-centered, thoughtless and lazy are not characteristics I would use to describe my ideal mate. Most A's have very lovable characteristics but with them the alcohol always comes before you do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
When he drinks, I don't even exist.
And whether you're four months, four years, or forty years into a relationship with an alcoholic who chooses to relapse, I would tell you the same thing: The best thing you can do -- for yourself and for him -- is to step away and say, "I need to have a life with a modicum of control and predictability. Right now, you are making that impossible. When you have been sober again for a year, give me a call."
Harsh? Maybe. Realistic? Absolutely.
Just remember that whether he gets back on the wagon or not, it has nothing to do with you. If he sobers up, it's not because you're so important to him. If he keeps drinking, it's not because you mean nothing to him.
Alcoholism is a disease. It eats people. Alcoholics and those who love them. I left a 20-year marriage because my alcoholic was only going downhill and I didn't want that for my life. I tried everything -- everything -- and the only way I would have been able to save that marriage would have been to deny everything I was, become everything he wanted me to be, and put up with his abuse. That didn't sound like a life to me. So I left. The house, the nice lifestyle, the father of my (still young) children.
That's just my story. And based on that, it's very hard for me to say anything other than "step away and reevaluate if he sobers up and stays sober for a year."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Run from this man. Run fast and don't look back.
He's an alcoholic, he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, whether drinking or not. He could have years sober and relapse. If you choose to stay with him, then read the posts on this board so you can get an idea of what your life will be like.
I wish I could turn back and do it all over again, young like you. Now I'm pushing 44, with 4 kids and a 16 year marriage that started out great but gutted me during the last half. My husband is an alcoholic. Please don't do this to yourself, there is no happy ending if you share your life with a drunk, just devastation.
He's an alcoholic, he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, whether drinking or not. He could have years sober and relapse. If you choose to stay with him, then read the posts on this board so you can get an idea of what your life will be like.
I wish I could turn back and do it all over again, young like you. Now I'm pushing 44, with 4 kids and a 16 year marriage that started out great but gutted me during the last half. My husband is an alcoholic. Please don't do this to yourself, there is no happy ending if you share your life with a drunk, just devastation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i'm sorry you are so worried about him. He is not worried about you, obviously.
I would no longer meet up with him when he's drinking or hungover. What are you getting out of it? and if he asks you, simply tell him the TRUTH. I would NOT do the family thing right now either...why put yourself out when all he cares about is sitting on a barstool.
how much FUN are you having watching him drink? is this what you want?
(btw, i'm the alcoholic, 14 months sober)
I would no longer meet up with him when he's drinking or hungover. What are you getting out of it? and if he asks you, simply tell him the TRUTH. I would NOT do the family thing right now either...why put yourself out when all he cares about is sitting on a barstool.
how much FUN are you having watching him drink? is this what you want?
(btw, i'm the alcoholic, 14 months sober)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Read the board and keep your eyes wide open. There are definitely universal experiences that everyone who loves an alcoholic goes through, and they aren't pretty.
My husband is an alcoholic. He's 55 years and old and started drinking in his teens. He's always been highly functional and for most of our relationship the drinking was a minor irritation.
It's said that alcoholism is progressive and that's what I didn't believe when person after person told me. MY husband was fine. MY husband was never abusive, never got DUIs, never missed work or school functions. MY husband was different.
But he wasn't. Although he remained functional (he's missed 1 day of work in 30 years) alcohol became more and more his focus and his family was an afterthought. He'd start drinking the minute he got off work and staggered off to bed every night. I had no companionship, or help, or affection, etc. For a period of about 5 years I was alone in my marriage struggling to keep everything together and it was hell for me.
After many starts and stops, he is in his 3rd year of sobriety. We are closer than we've ever been, and we are truly happy. He goes to AA 4 or 5 times a week and takes his sobriety seriously. Life is good. Our 20th wedding anniversary is in a few months.
All of that said and with the happiness we have now, if I knew 4.5 months in what my life was going to be like, I would have ended it then. It was a lonely life, and I didn't realize how bad it was until it got good. I wish I could have skipped the 15 years or so of bad and met up with the sober version of my husband a few years ago.
I'm not going to scream, "Run!" but I am going to urge you to listen to the stories here and decide if you really want to go down such a painful path, with no guarantees that it will ever get better.
My husband is an alcoholic. He's 55 years and old and started drinking in his teens. He's always been highly functional and for most of our relationship the drinking was a minor irritation.
It's said that alcoholism is progressive and that's what I didn't believe when person after person told me. MY husband was fine. MY husband was never abusive, never got DUIs, never missed work or school functions. MY husband was different.
But he wasn't. Although he remained functional (he's missed 1 day of work in 30 years) alcohol became more and more his focus and his family was an afterthought. He'd start drinking the minute he got off work and staggered off to bed every night. I had no companionship, or help, or affection, etc. For a period of about 5 years I was alone in my marriage struggling to keep everything together and it was hell for me.
After many starts and stops, he is in his 3rd year of sobriety. We are closer than we've ever been, and we are truly happy. He goes to AA 4 or 5 times a week and takes his sobriety seriously. Life is good. Our 20th wedding anniversary is in a few months.
All of that said and with the happiness we have now, if I knew 4.5 months in what my life was going to be like, I would have ended it then. It was a lonely life, and I didn't realize how bad it was until it got good. I wish I could have skipped the 15 years or so of bad and met up with the sober version of my husband a few years ago.
I'm not going to scream, "Run!" but I am going to urge you to listen to the stories here and decide if you really want to go down such a painful path, with no guarantees that it will ever get better.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I could quote something from just about every response here, but I'll just nod my head in agreement with all of it. You need to decide right now if this is the life you want with him. It doesn't matter how much you love him, you won't change anything. And for an A to say that they love you and care and blahblahblah is nothing more than words with no meaning. It's what we call "quacking." They're master manipulators and know just what to say to keep you hanging around and enabling them. Of COURSE they don't want you to leave. That means losing someone to pick up after them, make excuses for them, and allow them to keep drinking in peace. I suggest reading Codependent No More and getting to know your local Al-Anon program. Keep coming back here. We've all been there, whether it was with a partner or parent (I'm an ACoA), or even as A's ourselves (as many who frequent this part of site are). If you keep hearing the same things repeated, it's because we know the truth and we're only trying to help you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am sorry you are going thru all of this and I certainly know that it is difficult! I think people have given you some sound comments above. I don't think I can add much as most of it has been said but what I can say, I had no idea what I was getting into! I thought my AXBF was different. I had no idea how hard, sad, trying, degrading, damage that it could do and when people tried to tell me....Nope! I didn't listen. It truly is progressive, it does get worse and they become worse. They change and you begin to change over time. It's not good and it's a battle you fight forever! Some make it and some don't! I was just sure my XABF would be one to make it into recovery. No matter how hard I fought for things to change they didn't and the ending of our relationship wasn't pretty. I would have prefered to walk away w/fond memories! I would have like to have some self esteem left and instead I am having to rebuild my life. We each have to find our way and discovery things on our own. I think it would be in your best interest to read and educate yourself all you can. It's a tough ride sober or drunk!
I hope that think will work out for you.
I hope that think will work out for you.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Welcome. Yours is a very sad story, very similar to many others here. Alcoholics can be some of the most outgoing and caring people. But we are talking about a progressive condition that gets worse and worse as long as they are drinking - as you are noticing!
I experienced relapse after relapse in my AW. And I could quote you about the incredible, unbelievable, "perfect" love that we have shared. I never knew or saw anything like it.
But all those things you love, will get destroyed by the bottle, including the things you love about him. You said he was honest. I'll bet that's going down the drain before your very eyes.
Then there is your concern that you are doing something to cause him to drink. Believe one thing, you are NOT. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
As a free and intelligent person, you should do what your brain, heart, and guts are telling you to do. Love does not conquer all when it comes to alcoholism.
Take care of yourself and rest assured that people here who are warning you, they really do care, and they see about 10 big red flags in your post that remind them of things they learned the hard way. Usually the really hard way.
Blessings and best wishes...
I experienced relapse after relapse in my AW. And I could quote you about the incredible, unbelievable, "perfect" love that we have shared. I never knew or saw anything like it.
But all those things you love, will get destroyed by the bottle, including the things you love about him. You said he was honest. I'll bet that's going down the drain before your very eyes.
Then there is your concern that you are doing something to cause him to drink. Believe one thing, you are NOT. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
As a free and intelligent person, you should do what your brain, heart, and guts are telling you to do. Love does not conquer all when it comes to alcoholism.
Take care of yourself and rest assured that people here who are warning you, they really do care, and they see about 10 big red flags in your post that remind them of things they learned the hard way. Usually the really hard way.
Blessings and best wishes...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone for responding, I didn't expect to see 8 replies already! Yesterday when I wrote this I was pretty hopeless. I was seeing my eventually walking away from him tied to his push one day to get help again. That that would be his low point in which he would say "Yeah, I need help because I was in love and my girlfriend left me because of my drinking." But I have the probably rare benefit of knowing his former sponsor, he's a friend of both of ours. And we spoke yesterday for like 2 hours. And he told me that there is hope, if I'm prepared for things with his drinking to get worse, but that if I got to more Al Anon meetings I'll learn to be skillful toward his drinking. And if I do that it might expedite the process of him seeking help. While I appreciate the honest feedback from everyone, I think running for the hills now isn't the answer. He really doesn't have any character flaws, which is what amazed me for the first few months we were together. I never met someone so perfect, and then, well, this is the one downside. Nobody's perfect, so if this is the only problem--and I know it's a big one--I'm going to wait it out and keep praying for him until he gets better. Even then, I know it won't be easy. But I've got to try.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Nobody's perfect, so if this is the only problem."
Addiction is possibly the worst character flaw that one can have. You will be taken to places no one should go. Alcoholics take prisoners, they do not have relationships.
I wish you the best, however, if it were me, I'd let him go, it is up to him to find recovery and stick to it. He will get all the support he needs from the people at his meetings.
If he can get clean and stay clean for a minimum of a year (and is working a strong program) I might consider getting back with him.
I wish you the best.
Addiction is possibly the worst character flaw that one can have. You will be taken to places no one should go. Alcoholics take prisoners, they do not have relationships.
I wish you the best, however, if it were me, I'd let him go, it is up to him to find recovery and stick to it. He will get all the support he needs from the people at his meetings.
If he can get clean and stay clean for a minimum of a year (and is working a strong program) I might consider getting back with him.
I wish you the best.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
It's so hard to read this.
This one downside, the only "problem" you see? It's not just a big one. It's a life altering one.
Just because he hasn't been verbally abusive to you, yet...doesn't mean he's not going to get there.
Just because he hasn't lied to you yet....doesn't mean he won't get there.
Just because he's nice and warm and loving to others right now...doesn't mean he isn't going to get mean and vindictive and spiteful.
Believe me, no one wants your bf to turn into this awful monster. But, it's the nature of the drink that creates one. If you are already having to hang at his favorite bar, feel like you don't exist, and he's lacking any major motivation in his life; it only gets worse from here.
Part of co-dependency is staying in situations because you believe you can be someone's savior. That loving someone will get them through anything and you are willing to sacrifice whatever you have to in the name of love. Because they need you, and you need to help them.
I believe that in a healthy relationship, staying committed to your partner is important.
This, though? It's not healthy. It drags you down to depths you never thought you'd be in. You think you can handle whatever the A throws at you. You figure your love will be all the A needs to open their eyes and realize they have to do whatever it takes to keep you in their life. You begin to lose your independence, your life, your friends and family.
Please don't romanticize this. Believe me there is nothing romantic about being with an A.
This one downside, the only "problem" you see? It's not just a big one. It's a life altering one.
Just because he hasn't been verbally abusive to you, yet...doesn't mean he's not going to get there.
Just because he hasn't lied to you yet....doesn't mean he won't get there.
Just because he's nice and warm and loving to others right now...doesn't mean he isn't going to get mean and vindictive and spiteful.
Believe me, no one wants your bf to turn into this awful monster. But, it's the nature of the drink that creates one. If you are already having to hang at his favorite bar, feel like you don't exist, and he's lacking any major motivation in his life; it only gets worse from here.
Part of co-dependency is staying in situations because you believe you can be someone's savior. That loving someone will get them through anything and you are willing to sacrifice whatever you have to in the name of love. Because they need you, and you need to help them.
I believe that in a healthy relationship, staying committed to your partner is important.
This, though? It's not healthy. It drags you down to depths you never thought you'd be in. You think you can handle whatever the A throws at you. You figure your love will be all the A needs to open their eyes and realize they have to do whatever it takes to keep you in their life. You begin to lose your independence, your life, your friends and family.
Please don't romanticize this. Believe me there is nothing romantic about being with an A.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Buy and read the book "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketchum. If you're gonna stay in this relationship at least get educated about the nature of the disease. Realize that it's lifelong and PROGRESSIVE. The post above by Itsmylifenow is right on.
Sure, you can choose to stay, but at least look into the crystal ball here at SR and do not delude yourself thinking that your boyfriend is unique...that he's "not like that". Know full well what you are taking on. I do hope it's worth it to you and that you live happily ever after....whatever your definition of that might be.
Sure, you can choose to stay, but at least look into the crystal ball here at SR and do not delude yourself thinking that your boyfriend is unique...that he's "not like that". Know full well what you are taking on. I do hope it's worth it to you and that you live happily ever after....whatever your definition of that might be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by fruitfly 
But I have the probably rare benefit of knowing his former sponsor, he's a friend of both of ours. And we spoke yesterday for like 2 hours. And he told me that there is hope, if I'm prepared for things with his drinking to get worse, but that if I got to more Al Anon meetings I'll learn to be skillful toward his drinking. And if I do that it might expedite the process of him seeking help.
I, like many others here, had hoped that maybe AXBF losing his GF would wake him up. Unfortunately, since we're always there for them to pick up right where they left us, it never happens. Something to think about.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Fruitfly,
A 4 1/2 month investment in a relationship does not obligate you to a lifetime of pure hell. And I can say with all certainty, your one precious life will be consumed with the unacceptable actions and behaviors of an active alkie.
Before long the addiction will rule. You won't even remember your own name. You see this wonderful guy you fell head over heels for, is NOT the person you thought he was. It's all a big fat lie. I can only suggest you look at the present situation, and ask yourself if this is an acceptable way to live ? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Recovery is years away for him, and without guarantee. And without recovery, the disease will progress, and only get worse.
In reading your post, I think you already know the answer. What would you advise a friend or family member living in this type of situation?
You cannot fix, save, or help him.
Please know we will be here with you, as you sort this out.
Be well.
A 4 1/2 month investment in a relationship does not obligate you to a lifetime of pure hell. And I can say with all certainty, your one precious life will be consumed with the unacceptable actions and behaviors of an active alkie.
Before long the addiction will rule. You won't even remember your own name. You see this wonderful guy you fell head over heels for, is NOT the person you thought he was. It's all a big fat lie. I can only suggest you look at the present situation, and ask yourself if this is an acceptable way to live ? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Recovery is years away for him, and without guarantee. And without recovery, the disease will progress, and only get worse.
In reading your post, I think you already know the answer. What would you advise a friend or family member living in this type of situation?
You cannot fix, save, or help him.
Please know we will be here with you, as you sort this out.
Be well.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
There have been many who have come here with similar questions early in a relationship with an addict. They ask for advice of what to do...is it hopeless? When we give our input, most of the time, they react just like you did. Well, it's not that bad, I talked to so-and-so and they said I can deal with it if I do such-and-such. As much as we try to warn them that they are much better off to cut their losses, they don't want to do that for whatever reason, so they stay.
A few months, sometimes several months later, most of them return, crying about how awful their lives are. Some have gone on to marry the addict, so they are now legally bound to them. Some are pregnant and are concerned about raising a child with an active addict.
This is all so avoidable, but, just like no one can convince an addict they need help, we cannot convince the significant other that they also need help and they should cut their losses and run. Four months is such a short time to be willing to invest the REST of your LIFE to someone in active addiction. But, it sounds like your mind is made up, so all I can say is good luck, and we'll be here if you need us.
A few months, sometimes several months later, most of them return, crying about how awful their lives are. Some have gone on to marry the addict, so they are now legally bound to them. Some are pregnant and are concerned about raising a child with an active addict.
This is all so avoidable, but, just like no one can convince an addict they need help, we cannot convince the significant other that they also need help and they should cut their losses and run. Four months is such a short time to be willing to invest the REST of your LIFE to someone in active addiction. But, it sounds like your mind is made up, so all I can say is good luck, and we'll be here if you need us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You are going to expend an awful lot of energy on this relationship. He is doing 10%, you'll do 90%.
this time, money and energy he puts into drinking...not time money and energy he puts into your relationship. He keeps the barstool warm, not you. He's too hungover to go out and do something physical and fun on a warm sunny weekend...he passes out after dinner (or falls asleep) instead of making time for intimacy.
I would think you want more than this. you have to think of your own self-preservation and happiness. good luck
this time, money and energy he puts into drinking...not time money and energy he puts into your relationship. He keeps the barstool warm, not you. He's too hungover to go out and do something physical and fun on a warm sunny weekend...he passes out after dinner (or falls asleep) instead of making time for intimacy.
I would think you want more than this. you have to think of your own self-preservation and happiness. good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by fruitfly
But I have the probably rare benefit of knowing his former sponsor, he's a friend of both of ours. And we spoke yesterday for like 2 hours. And he told me that there is hope, if I'm prepared for things with his drinking to get worse, but that if I got to more Al Anon meetings I'll learn to be skillful toward his drinking. And if I do that it might expedite the process of him seeking help.
I do understand his general take on things, and also please note that I put "might" in bold for a reason. That's a pretty big "might."
I have seen cases where alcoholics have hit a bottom once the spouse is actively working the program of Alanon, and they do get sober. I've heard of it a few times in listening to Alanon speaker tapes. There are also many cases where the alcoholic never seeks recovery.
You are much like me in that you are going to do what you are going to do.
I learned some of my best lessons when my self-will was propelling me. Granted they were painful lessons, but ones I am grateful for.
Today I know that the difference between my will and God's will is that my will hurts!
I really do wish you the best, and hope that Alanon becomes "your" place to heal from the effects of his alcoholism and to learn how to make a better life for yourself. It has been a lifesaver for me.
Sending you hugs of support, dear!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I'm not sure why his former sponsor said that Alanon will teach you to be more skillful towards his drinking, or what that even means.
Sweetheart, you can't love him into sobriety. He's an A, and he's not any different than any other A out there. If you want to hop on this rollercoaster, just know that it doesn't stop just because you're on it. You'll be strapped into that seat next to him while it keeps going round and round and round. You deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My self-will and magical thinking has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit!
And I agree with Freedom...I know when its my self will because it tends to be painful and often doesn't turn out the way I intended.
Good luck in your choices. As Suki said above, we are here if you need us later on down the road.
And I agree with Freedom...I know when its my self will because it tends to be painful and often doesn't turn out the way I intended.
Good luck in your choices. As Suki said above, we are here if you need us later on down the road.
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