I'm new here, looking for advice on romantic relationships with an alcoholic
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
This is TOTALLY off topic, but I just love your profile picture. I had one I used somewhere else for a while which must have been taken the same night.
It appears Sophia is really interested in those things.
It appears Sophia is really interested in those things.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by fruitfly 
But is that fair? I realize my use of "we" now and how that reflects me taking on his problems. I realize there's nothing I can do about it, but I find I do tend to internalize his addiction, so that part is true. But I don't think it's fair to paint people with alcoholism as life thieves, con men, master manipulators, etc. I don't equate being an alcoholic with being a bad person. There are lots of bad people who are alcoholics, I'm sure. But there are also a lot of good people who are alcoholics, as well. That's why loved ones pray and hope for their recovery, otherwise it would be simple to turn our backs on them. But if this is a disease, then it's a disease and not a reflection on someone's moral character.
As for the disease part of it I kind of agree but to paraphrase another post I read a while ago.
Would you leave if your BF had cancer?
I would if he kept going to the store to buy more cancer.
I would if he kept going to the store to buy more cancer.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Moorhead, MN
Posts: 6
I would say run, run as fast as you can away from this man. Most of us have experienced what a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict is like and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
It would be a relationship full of lies, possible infidelity, feeling like you're going crazy because you're being blamed for everything, and increased anxiety!! Good luck and you deserve a man who is going to treat you with respect and love himself enough to be honest and trust worthy.
It would be a relationship full of lies, possible infidelity, feeling like you're going crazy because you're being blamed for everything, and increased anxiety!! Good luck and you deserve a man who is going to treat you with respect and love himself enough to be honest and trust worthy.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by fruitfly
But is that fair? I realize my use of "we" now and how that reflects me taking on his problems. I realize there's nothing I can do about it, but I find I do tend to internalize his addiction, so that part is true.
But I don't think it's fair to paint people with alcoholism as life thieves, con men, master manipulators, etc. I don't equate being an alcoholic with being a bad person. There are lots of bad people who are alcoholics, I'm sure. But there are also a lot of good people who are alcoholics, as well. That's why loved ones pray and hope for their recovery, otherwise it would be simple to turn our backs on them. But if this is a disease, then it's a disease and not a reflection on someone's moral character.
But I don't think it's fair to paint people with alcoholism as life thieves, con men, master manipulators, etc. I don't equate being an alcoholic with being a bad person. There are lots of bad people who are alcoholics, I'm sure. But there are also a lot of good people who are alcoholics, as well. That's why loved ones pray and hope for their recovery, otherwise it would be simple to turn our backs on them. But if this is a disease, then it's a disease and not a reflection on someone's moral character.
As for the A, 99% of those here and working the program in Al-Anon don't say the A is bad or evil, good or a saint. It's the actions of addiction not the person we "label." It's what Alcoholics and Addicts DO. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
It's not a moral judgment of them as a person, as it might be if there were no addiction. It's somewhat like when one has kids. They do bad things sometimes because they're still just kids, but they are not bad kids (there are the psychopaths though).
We disapprove of the behavior; we don't condemn the person's soul.
Hope that helps.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by fruitfly
But is that fair? I realize my use of "we" now and how that reflects me taking on his problems. I realize there's nothing I can do about it, but I find I do tend to internalize his addiction, so that part is true. But I don't think it's fair to paint people with alcoholism as life thieves, con men, master manipulators, etc. I don't equate being an alcoholic with being a bad person. There are lots of bad people who are alcoholics, I'm sure. But there are also a lot of good people who are alcoholics, as well. That's why loved ones pray and hope for their recovery, otherwise it would be simple to turn our backs on them. But if this is a disease, then it's a disease and not a reflection on someone's moral character.
Being involved with an actively participating Alcoholic you will come second to the drink. Dinner plans will be cancelled or postponed. Gatherings will be missed. The addiction comes second to nothing. You can love an addict, but not choose to participate in the chaotic tango. You can support an addict, but not enable.
My husband, I would call Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His alcoholism progressed a lot like the plot of that classic movie. At first when my husband, Dr. Jekyll, was young he drank a little at social events. He was very kind and loving. He was always funny and the center of attention. I fell in love with that man. As he drank more of the magic potion, the alcohol, the worse it would get. It took a few years to notice the change in personalities. I would see a lot more of Mr. Hyde, who progressed to became mean and fowled mouth. The next morning my husband went back to the kind hearted Dr. Jekyll, and most of the time did not remember the appearance of Mr. Hyde the night before.
Is love really worth being placed second to an addiction?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
I am so sorry you have had to go through this! It's heartbreaking to think you have found a partner only to find out he is in a relationship that he is going to always put before you until he decides alcohol is not the mistress he wants to keep and goes and gets help for himself.
I know you are probably reading all of our posts and thinking..."But our love is different", I wish I could agree and you are right, but unfortunately alcoholics are very selfish and if you continue in this relationship you are never going to be first in his life and that takes a toll on your self worth and confidence and will affect you in ways you never could imagine.
I don't wish this path on anyone and hope you can see from our posts that this is not the ride you want to choose to be on. Please heed our warnings and get off now. There are alot of men out there that aren't alcoholics and it would be in your best interests to cut loose now before your life is thrown completely into the alcohol tailspin, your journey has only just begun, it will get WORSE!
Take care of yourself and think of your best interests. Wishing you all the best!
I know you are probably reading all of our posts and thinking..."But our love is different", I wish I could agree and you are right, but unfortunately alcoholics are very selfish and if you continue in this relationship you are never going to be first in his life and that takes a toll on your self worth and confidence and will affect you in ways you never could imagine.
I don't wish this path on anyone and hope you can see from our posts that this is not the ride you want to choose to be on. Please heed our warnings and get off now. There are alot of men out there that aren't alcoholics and it would be in your best interests to cut loose now before your life is thrown completely into the alcohol tailspin, your journey has only just begun, it will get WORSE!
Take care of yourself and think of your best interests. Wishing you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Oh FruitFly.
I will agree with most of the previous posters here. Run and don't look back. 4 months, 4 years, 4 decades... It does not matter. I do not know how old you are, but here is how it went with me. We met, he was wonderful, we married, he started drinking again, got pregnant, got sober, had a baby, started drinking, got a new job, got sober, moved, started drinking, separated, hit rock bottom, wanted back, i said no, lawyer, heart ache, more drinking, more sober, more threats, nasty words, my son turned 2 without his dad, turned 3 without his dad.... He makes our lifes hell everytime he comes around. He is now in recovery. But who knows how long that lasts.
I do not with this on anyone. I have been through some rouhg times in my life. But being with an A, beats them all!
And i deserve better then that. And so do you!
Good luck to you. Keep posting, keep reading!
ps. i was friends with one of his sponsors too. Remember a sponser is the RA! He was your BF at one point. He does not know what it is like to be in your shoes. The sponsor that i was friends with said exactly the same thing.
I will agree with most of the previous posters here. Run and don't look back. 4 months, 4 years, 4 decades... It does not matter. I do not know how old you are, but here is how it went with me. We met, he was wonderful, we married, he started drinking again, got pregnant, got sober, had a baby, started drinking, got a new job, got sober, moved, started drinking, separated, hit rock bottom, wanted back, i said no, lawyer, heart ache, more drinking, more sober, more threats, nasty words, my son turned 2 without his dad, turned 3 without his dad.... He makes our lifes hell everytime he comes around. He is now in recovery. But who knows how long that lasts.
I do not with this on anyone. I have been through some rouhg times in my life. But being with an A, beats them all!
And i deserve better then that. And so do you!
Good luck to you. Keep posting, keep reading!
ps. i was friends with one of his sponsors too. Remember a sponser is the RA! He was your BF at one point. He does not know what it is like to be in your shoes. The sponsor that i was friends with said exactly the same thing.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
"But I don't think it's fair to paint people with alcoholism as life thieves, con men, master manipulators, etc. I don't equate being an alcoholic with being a bad person."
I'm an alcoholic, also ACOA and Al Anon. We aren't bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well.
Unfortunately, our behavior IS that of thieves, con men, master manipulators and liars. We steel others' sanity and more. It is what our behavior has been. I am now at almost 16 months sober, and believe me, it's been a battle at times.
If this is true love, give it the space it needs to be a healthy love. True love will find a way to stay intact, but please take time to find you in the process. Al Anon helps as does therapy and a personal journey in life to know one's self better. 4 and a half months and you are in love, great! Give it time to grow more, if it's meant to last.
With love and hugs
Fondly,
~sb
I'm an alcoholic, also ACOA and Al Anon. We aren't bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well.
Unfortunately, our behavior IS that of thieves, con men, master manipulators and liars. We steel others' sanity and more. It is what our behavior has been. I am now at almost 16 months sober, and believe me, it's been a battle at times.
If this is true love, give it the space it needs to be a healthy love. True love will find a way to stay intact, but please take time to find you in the process. Al Anon helps as does therapy and a personal journey in life to know one's self better. 4 and a half months and you are in love, great! Give it time to grow more, if it's meant to last.
With love and hugs
Fondly,
~sb
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 41
Fruitfly.. my friend the alcoholic xbf is fond of saying "don't kid yourself" which cracks me up in a sick way because he is totally kidding himself living in denial about how bad it has gotten. Well.. no whoever your alcoholic bf is.. what you do is not the make or break of his recovery. There will always be another enabler around if that is what he is looking for. I see that ... now that I have the freedom to actually spend more time looking.. and see the 24/7 of the xbfs day.. as soon as he could not hide his drinking from me he found someone else who supports it and will likely support him to his grave. I wondered if I should just send her a shovel and a picture of his little kid for Christmas.. with a card "you are killing him." but realize that if she stops enabling him.. yet another woman will come along.
I tried to be a friend and support his sobriety.. but he went off the wagon again. I feel sad for his kid. I even feel sad for his ex wife. I feel no sympathy for his current enabler. She might as well hand him a loaded gun as what she is doing. She can even afford to pay for him to go to rehab but does not.
I tried to be a friend and support his sobriety.. but he went off the wagon again. I feel sad for his kid. I even feel sad for his ex wife. I feel no sympathy for his current enabler. She might as well hand him a loaded gun as what she is doing. She can even afford to pay for him to go to rehab but does not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 41
I came back to read this so I don't call him
It is hard for me to not call him.
But yeah I miss him, the sober him. He was my best friend years ago when he was sober. But just because I am lonely and have not found a suitable partner does not mean that he is the answer to my lonliness.
So I long for who he used to be and know he cannot be that guy without a lot of therapy and meetings and months of sobriety, if he ever can be. If his beautiful kid is not enough inspiration for him to change, I certainly won't be.
But yeah I miss him, the sober him. He was my best friend years ago when he was sober. But just because I am lonely and have not found a suitable partner does not mean that he is the answer to my lonliness.
So I long for who he used to be and know he cannot be that guy without a lot of therapy and meetings and months of sobriety, if he ever can be. If his beautiful kid is not enough inspiration for him to change, I certainly won't be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by fruitfly
Yes, believe me, I know there is nothing romantic about it. I have no delusions that I can be his saviour. In fact one of my fears is that his recovery hinges on my leaving him. Like that has to be his wake-up call to get help. It's just that we've fallen in love, and we started when he was dry for 3 months, and it's hard to simply turn that off. I'm up for the challenge this is posing to our relationship, but I know it's not a challenge over which I can influence the outcome. If he's powerless to his drinking, which he is, I sure as hell can't do anything about it. Surprise surprise, last night him and his friend got drunk and were late to go home to his friend's wife, and so instead of meeting them at the friend and wife's place, the plan was to meet them at that same damned bar and then leave from there. But, as I figured, she was rightly annoyed that they were 3 hours late and cancelled the plans. So as soon as I realized that they were there at the bar to stay, I simply explained I didn't want to be there, and this wasn't what I had planned for the evening and I went home. The best I can do is not condone his addiction, and learn how to not enable him. So removing myself from the situation last night was the first step in doing that.
next year it might be 4 hours late for family dinner or an outing you bought tickets for.
you are setting yourself up for being mistreated...you are worth a lot more than meeting a drunk at a bar for a night of watching him drink himself to death....slowly
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