Is it me???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Is it me???
Hi Everyone
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Yes, this is wrong. Don't enter into it. This may be better placed in the 12 step forum, I think you'll get a lot of specific response there. In my somewhat limited experience, there are clear boundary issues and although I'm not aware of 13th stepping in the meetings I've been to, my sponsor has already warned me that it does happen and to be aware of it.
If you have a sponsor, I would urge you to talk over your concerns with her. My guess is this guy will already be known to the experienced members.
Making you feel uncomfortable and kissing you on the lips? No way is that acceptable. Stop giving him lifts, speak to the experienced women. Look to your own sobriety. Trust your instincts on this one x
If you have a sponsor, I would urge you to talk over your concerns with her. My guess is this guy will already be known to the experienced members.
Making you feel uncomfortable and kissing you on the lips? No way is that acceptable. Stop giving him lifts, speak to the experienced women. Look to your own sobriety. Trust your instincts on this one x
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
His behavior was offensive to you. Your task is to take care of yourself,not to worry over offending him.
If it were me, I would ask a woman who understood the situation to go with me, and I would tell him that I was no longer giving him a ride. No need to offer further explanation unless you choose to.
We are there to support one another is making GOOD choices in sobriety. Your NOT giving him rides, NOT supporting his bad behavior, making clear that it is NOT ok to invade your boundaries...is supporting his sobriety. And it sets an example of courage for the other people as well.
Thanks for bringing this to the forum, it's a subject that many people deal with in silence.
If it were me, I would ask a woman who understood the situation to go with me, and I would tell him that I was no longer giving him a ride. No need to offer further explanation unless you choose to.
We are there to support one another is making GOOD choices in sobriety. Your NOT giving him rides, NOT supporting his bad behavior, making clear that it is NOT ok to invade your boundaries...is supporting his sobriety. And it sets an example of courage for the other people as well.
Thanks for bringing this to the forum, it's a subject that many people deal with in silence.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Say you just met this guy at the golf club...Or the grocery store?....Would that be acceptable to you then?.....I doubt it. When he asks...Say you have another committment....He'll stop asking and move onto someone else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
That's messed up. AA can/does save peoples' lives. The next lady that he pulls that on might never return.
Can you imagine a newcomer "exploring" AA to see if its right for her and experiencing that?
Can you imagine a newcomer "exploring" AA to see if its right for her and experiencing that?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I think it's a good idea early on just to stick with the women...If you get to know someone after you have some time and they need a ride....Why not?....For now leave the taxi service to someone else....Find a sponsor and work the steps. Wish you the best!!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
The immediate acceptance we get in the rooms can be deceptive. You know what makes you feel uncomfortable and what is appropriate behaviour. Don't let the environment distract you from your own instincts and boundaries.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
No, it's not you. But it will be if you allow this to continue! Just tell the old lech that you feel uncomfortable and to find a ride with the men. Be calm about it, have someone there, whatever you need to do.
*Hugs*
*Hugs*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 218
Positive, thanks for your post. I'm knew to recovery and am just learning about this thirteenth step behavior for the first time. Guess it doesn't surprise me, but found some humor in it. Don't get me wrong as I find no humor in the specifics as it relates to your issue here. The visual of men preying on newcomers seeking assistance is so absurd and offensive to me, it's remarkable. Just shows why we men will never get beyond my wife's favorite generalization that men are pigs.... I wish you well with this situation, focus on you and ge rid of this guy, use the female supports in the group.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
The visual of men preying on newcomers seeking assistance is so absurd.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
My initial reaction is: ew! stay away...avoid him...bad news.
The only way you will have an issue with this guy is if you keep engaging with him. Your sobriety is number one. You don't need to be close friends with everyone. Just avoid him. In the long run, that is probably the simplest and safest course of action.
Sounds harsh...just being honest.
The only way you will have an issue with this guy is if you keep engaging with him. Your sobriety is number one. You don't need to be close friends with everyone. Just avoid him. In the long run, that is probably the simplest and safest course of action.
Sounds harsh...just being honest.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by positivelady67 
Hi Everyone
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
This is absolutely wrong on all levels. It is ok, and important, for you to set boundaries. Stick with the women in the group. Period.
Do not take responsibility for this jerks behavior. This guy was counting on that. He knew what he was doing. More than likely he has a history of preying on new women in the group. He seeks them out......the ones he thinks he can manipulate. It's despicable and wrong.
Do you have a sponsor? If not, I would suggest getting one so that you can work the steps with her. Issues like these are also ones that should be talked about with your sponsor.
Good luck to you!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Shame on him!! Don't let yourself be a victim, he is taking advantage of you and you're a nice person and he can tell that. Is there a leader for the group that might speak to him on your behalf if you're not comfortable? Otherwise, just follow advice others have given and remove yourself from the situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Sapling
I don't think time really matters....You have to take a look where members of AA come from.....It's not finishing school... You know?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by choublak
To be fair, it's not a dating service either...although this man appears to believe otherwise...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
