Confetti

This is my first post, so I guess I should give you a little background.

I have been with my AH for 13 years. The first 10 were pretty good I would say. Then slowly, very slowly casual drinking started to become much more than that. He does manage to hold down a job (which requires him to be away for long periods, at times, months....which is possibly why it remained hidden for so long). He was usually sober for his four or five days home or would drink sporadically on these days. Eventually, it became more and more about drinking. He would pee his pants nearly every time he passed out.(is that common?) Or pee on other objects (kids toys, christmas presents, etc.) while walking around drunk beyond belief.

Now it is even worse. He is still usually gone, but now when he is home, he sometimes just disappears for a day or two. When I bring up stuff I get the famous "you always live in the past.". Or "you're so dumb". When he sobers up he usually apologizes, but not anymore. Not since I told him that he has a problem. Now I get the "I wouldn't drink if you weren't such a B" and "let's blame the drunk for all of life's problems". I am just starting out on my journey now that I have got my head out of the sand. And believe me, when I look back I think...HOW DID I NOT SEE IT!?

I guess what I would like to know is what small steps (or large) did you take once you realized your situation. I have not yet seeked out professional counsel, although I am considering it. I do live about an hour away from where I could get it,along with alanon and such being an hour away as well. I have three small children with AH. I would like to know what worked as well as what absolutely did not work for you.

You all seem so kind hearted. I'm sure I'm leaving out pertinent info, but I think this should do for now.

Katiekate

Hi Confetti, a big warm hug and a welcome.

So glad you found us.

When I first arrived I just read around the forum, made a few posts, lots of people reached out to me and gave me the courage to move forward.

I found the stickies at the top of the page very helpful in validating my feelings, ordered a few books, Getting Them Sober was the first one I read, it helped a lot, Co dependent No More, I'm sure others will have other suggestions.

I started very slow, didn't want to overwhelm myself, I related so much to others here, getting educated about alcoholism was very helpful to me as well.

We are here, keep posting, take your time, we care, and we all want to help.

Sending lots of love your way. Katie xo

itsmylifenow

Confetti,

So happy you've found a place where you will find support and friendship while you work through your relationship with your AH.

I also started out reading in the forums, reading the stickies and reading some of the recommended books here. You can find so much information here that there should be something of value to you.

I found posting to be an enormous help as well, as those giving their support (it doesn't feel like advice), have an understanding about these relationships that others may not have.

I believe once you read what is offered here, some of the answers will find you quite easily and you'll be able to see where you need to start.

I wish you well on your journey.

Confetti

Thank you for the warm welcome. Such compassion has actually brought me to tears but it seems that now I have faced my reality that anyone who acknowledges that brings me to tears as well.

For me, I have lots of support, but very few who understand. I am thrilled that I have found a place where many of you can say "yep, I can relate....".

I've started reading some stickies and must say, I've got a bit of reading to do! That is ok with me, the more I know, the better prepared I feel to deal with the situation at hand. Although, truthfully, I think it will be a long journey.

djayr

Welcome. Sorry for your situation. Peeing...yes, that is common as the alcoholism progresses, at least in my experience. That is awful.

I just wish you all the best. Some of the core concepts that have helped me, are to look at him as a sick person (mentally ill basically) and try to learn how to detach, that is, to look at his crazy statements dispassionately by understanding that you are sane, and he is not. So when he says mean or crazy things, try to let them slide right by.

Meanwhile, you may want to think about how much you can really take - and when you are ready you may need to lay down some rules, consequences, and boundaries for YOUR sanity. Al Anon is worth the drive if you can find a good group, or just keep reading these boards!

All the best to you...

Confetti

Thank you djayr,

I do need to set out some boundaries. I also have to decide just how much I can take or rather our children can take. They are smart and attentive and know that there is a problem. When he doesn't call or answer their calls, they claim, "oh dad is probably drinking beer with Afriend.". For me, that will be the deciding factor on leaving, the kids. I feel as though I would stay forever. I just keep reminding myself that this, the first relationship they witness, will set the tone for their future relationships.

myfreedom

I too am very familiar with the peeing. It has been done in a corner, ona a table, ina recliner and the best one.... I am sleeping, he gets up on knees and pees right there in the middle of the bed. Then plops down in it and that is where he stayed. I jumped up and went out to sofa. Come morning, he had no idea and actually thought it wasn't a big deal!!! Really????

SoaringSpirits

Hi Confetti,

My story is very similar to yours. I separated from my AH in 2011 once I reached that point where I could take it no longer, and had to protect our kids as they were internalizing some really toxic stuff. I found Al Anon, Sober Recovery, counseling (with a therapist who specializes in addiction and codependency issues) to be a huge help.

My two favorite books are "Under The Influence" by James Milam and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I strongly urge you to check them out.

I am SO glad to have had the information, support and advice here at SR. It truly has been a godsend for me and it has changed my life for the better.

Learn2Live

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...disgusted.html

Confetti

Funny how it's not a big deal! That is exactly what my AH said. Claimed that maybe it was water! ( because yes, I walk around in the middle of the night dumping pitchers of water on my and our children's belongings!...you know, for fun!).

Soaring spirits....I am compiling a list of books to purchase when I go to the city. The two you have specifically mentioned keep popping up in posts, so I am looking forward to learning from them.

Learn2live....thank you. Seems it is far more common than I thought.

NWGRITS

As the alcoholism progresses, so do certain symptoms as their organs are affected. Bladder control is difficult in anyone who is fairly drunk, so it's definitely nothing unusual.

It's great that you recognize that this sets the tone for how your children will go out into the world in search of a life partner. Is this the kind of life you want for them? Do you want them to be codependent and possibly end up with an alcoholic, addict or other abuser? I would surely hope the answer is "no." I grew up in an alcoholic home, and my mother still drinks. I had no clue what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like, so I dated one P.O.S. after another, always thinking that I was the reason everything went wrong. I've finally found happiness in a healthy relationship, but it didn't happen overnight.

Keep reading and asking questions. More of us have been there than you could possibly realize!

LuvMySis

Confetti, I'm glad you found this forum. The good people here have been through what you are experiencing, and they will be very helpful to you. Just take it slowly, realize that help is right around the corner, and take care of yourself. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You don't have to live this way. It will get better.

Confetti

Thank you, I too am glad that I have found this forum. I have found though that seeing all of the supportive and frank discussions going on in here help to wrap my head around the severity of this disease.