ughh

Hi, I just posted this on the newcomers page also before I found this, so I'm sorry if you see it twice. I thought this might be a better place to post.

My mother-in-law has been an alcoholic for many years, and has been in and out of rehab several times. Right now, she has been living with my husband and me for about a year (we just got married a couple months ago) and we can't take it anymore, and I'm afraid the stress is going to hurt our new marriage. She got out of a 40 day rehab program yesterday, and was drunk within 6 hours of being back. She denied it, as she always does, and went to bed.

We need to force her out of our house, I know that, and I am coming to terms with it as of today. I feel amazingly guilty because I don't know where she will go, and I know as soon as we bring it up she will flip out and blame my husband and I for everything. I know that the only thing I can control is whether or not I am near her/talking to her, but I am totally scared of the actual event of kicking her out (and I'm pretty sure it will end in us calling the police to remove her).

I am sure that somewhere deep down, she feels horrible about the pain she has caused her family, but I still know that she will blame me and my husband for making her "homeless" and we will have to suffer the wrath of her drunken outbursts--although maybe only over the phone?

I just don't know how to face the facts that my husband and I have to be the ones to officially cause a huge rift in the family (even though she herself has actually caused it, and most of her family is on my side anyway), and I don't know how to actually start that conversation/argument with her. I just feel guilty.

Thanks for listening.

outtolunch

In some areas it is necessary to serve notice of your intent to evict and then obtain a court order to do so. If you live in one of those areas, the Police will not be able to do anything to help you achieve your objective.

If you are renting, does your lease specify the # and names of occupants? If so and if MIL is not a part of the mix, she has to go or you will be in violation of your lease.

Alternatively, since some family members are "on her side", why not ask them what tiem they will arrive to pick up MIL and her stuff.

Your MIL's behaviors are the cause of this situation. No reason to feel obligated or guilty. You are giving MIL the dignity of living her life as she sees fit to do. She is no longer welcome to do so under your roof.

" I will not live with someone in active alcoholism or early recovery" is a reasonable boundary that protects you/husband from chaos. It does not seek to control anyone else.

ughh

Thanks for your response.

We actually own the house, do you know if we would have any problems removing her? Is it possible to call the police and say that there is an unwanted person on my property? Maybe it isn't that simple.

suki44883

Your best bet would be to seek legal counsel. If your home is her legal address, it's possible you will have to give her an eviction notice giving her a certain amount of time to move out. A legal professional would be able to answer those questions for you.

ughh

Thank you guys. I talked to a friend who is a lawyer, and I do need to give her 30 days before I can "evict" her. I'm giving her the notice tomorrow. Maybe it will make her so mad she leaves sooner than 30 days, but I doubt it. I'm worried it will make her drinking worse and I'll actually have to go to court to have her removed.

suki44883

Several people here have been down that road. What usually happens is they don't do anything and you spend those 30 days anxiously awaiting them to start looking for another place to live. Chances are pretty good that you will have to have her forcefully removed.

dandylion

Dear Ughh, one thing that I vividly recalled as I was reading your post is a position that Dr. Phil always takes when he has a difficult "inlaw" situation on his show. He is very firm that each person has to take the lead and responsibility for dealing with any conflict with their own relatives. The purpose of this (as he explains it) is to eliminate any conflict between the couple. In other words---both operate from the same page with the person, whose family it is, taking the lead.

Having said this, I notice that it seems like you feel it is your responsibility to take the lead.

I'm just saying.....

dandylion

ughh

Hi dandylion, thanks for your input. Perhaps I have made it seem like my husband isn't on the same page as I am, but he is, he is just better at avoiding her than I am because he is home less. He will take the lead when we actually talk to her, but he is so embarassed by her that he will not reach out for help very often (even posting on a discussion board). He finds it much easier to avoid the issue with her, even though he discusses it freely with me and his brother. I absolutely agree that if I took over and dealt with her by myself, it would wreck my relationship with my husband. The way I have found to cope with it is finding support, opinions, and ideas on my own, then sharing them with him so that we decide together how to deal with his mom (with him having the final say). I do think he is capable of taking the lead, but I know he will just avoid it if he has to do it himself, his brother or I need to be there to back him up or he will chicken out.

Kiana

The police can be called if she causes a disturbance when she's served with the eviction notice. Here, a restraining order, if warranted, can be enforced immediately, unlike a 30 day eviction notice. Here, without a written agreement in place, I was able to tell mine to leave my house and that served as his notice to vacate immediately, and the police backed it up, allowing him or others to retrieve his belongings (that were placed in a secure area) at a reasonable time and within a reasonable time period.

My dearly beloved Asis was removed (from her own property) by the sheriff's dept when she became "a threat to herself or others", and was involuntarily committed at that time. She did try to resist the deputies, briefly, who were trying to handcuff her, then she complied. For the first 5 days or so she was consumed with anger towards us, then after that began begging us to get her out, that she'd do anything anyone told her to if we'd somehow get her out of there.

Even though her previous attacks had been directed at me, her son, rightfully (I believe), was the one that ultimately handled it all with the initial report, police, doctors, and resulting commitment. And as a spouse, in dealing with troubling inlaws and regarding you being the one that serves her eviction notice tomorrow, I viewed it as my spouse's place to be the one to deal with them directly, and if he wouldn't, then there were other problems yet to be revealed.

All the best to you and your family. Achieving peace in a household is worth its weight in gold.