Why don't I feel like I fit?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Why don't I feel like I fit?
Hi Guys
Just been to another AA meeting but I just don't feel like I fit in
I have been sober for 5 months and I try to go to meetings 3-4 times a week but at the end when everyone stops and chats I find it so hard and the thoughts of being that frightend child at school come back and I can't find the words. I thought maybe give it time as I am a newcomer but there are 2 ladies who are just a few days and weeks sober who are being hugged and chatted to by the regulars. I know that maybe because they share they are being welcomed more but I am terrified of speaking. I have managed to share twice but when I listen to other people they have better things to say than I could possiblely thing of. Who really wants to hear my story??? Also I am scared to start speaking as some of the meetings are really like he who starts speaking the loundest gets heard and that scares me if someone speaks at the same time as me, although thats just an excuse as they had a part of the meeting for shy sharers and I still said nothing.
I have just come away feeling more alone then ever but I know its down to me and not them. How do I overcome my fear and join in and be accepted?
Ally
x
Just been to another AA meeting but I just don't feel like I fit in
I have been sober for 5 months and I try to go to meetings 3-4 times a week but at the end when everyone stops and chats I find it so hard and the thoughts of being that frightend child at school come back and I can't find the words. I thought maybe give it time as I am a newcomer but there are 2 ladies who are just a few days and weeks sober who are being hugged and chatted to by the regulars. I know that maybe because they share they are being welcomed more but I am terrified of speaking. I have managed to share twice but when I listen to other people they have better things to say than I could possiblely thing of. Who really wants to hear my story??? Also I am scared to start speaking as some of the meetings are really like he who starts speaking the loundest gets heard and that scares me if someone speaks at the same time as me, although thats just an excuse as they had a part of the meeting for shy sharers and I still said nothing. I have just come away feeling more alone then ever but I know its down to me and not them. How do I overcome my fear and join in and be accepted?
Ally
x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 746
positivelady67
I think there is nothing wrong to go there and just listen. You don't need to talk unless you feel comfortable.
Im not brave enough to tell my stuff to my closest people, can't imagine how hard it is to speak in front of strangers.
Be strong.
I think there is nothing wrong to go there and just listen. You don't need to talk unless you feel comfortable.
Im not brave enough to tell my stuff to my closest people, can't imagine how hard it is to speak in front of strangers.
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Positive,
Just go and listen. You still benefit.
It is not about who has the most rapport with the group.
I have seen plenty of people come in and be all popular and chat and sharing and they just disappear. Others, including my very good friend took a year of silence before they could even share, are still there six years later and helping others.
Just go and listen. You still benefit.
It is not about who has the most rapport with the group.
I have seen plenty of people come in and be all popular and chat and sharing and they just disappear. Others, including my very good friend took a year of silence before they could even share, are still there six years later and helping others.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Do you have any phone numbers of women who attend these meetings? How about texting/calling them and arrange to meet for a coffee?
You could tell them that you still feel incredibly shy. Establishing friendships outside when there are less people about would then transfer into the meeting rooms themselves.
It must feel very uncomfortable, but maybe the other women there don't realise you feel left out?
I hope it improves for you x
You could tell them that you still feel incredibly shy. Establishing friendships outside when there are less people about would then transfer into the meeting rooms themselves.
It must feel very uncomfortable, but maybe the other women there don't realise you feel left out?
I hope it improves for you x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Thank you, actually I did meet one of the ladies this morning for a coffee outside of AA and she goes to one of my meetings on a Tuesday, so I am hoping that will help. Thank you for saying that its not a problem not to share and chat all the time, I figure I have too if I want to get well and stay well so its good to hear that I can do it in my time 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Absolutely! There is no expectation for anyone to do anything at our meetings.
I very rarely share, maybe 2 or 3 times in the 5 months I've been going, but I do a lot of listening. And a lot of learning. X
I very rarely share, maybe 2 or 3 times in the 5 months I've been going, but I do a lot of listening. And a lot of learning. X
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I like Jenis advice above ;-) Do they ask if anyone needs help or a sponsor in your meetings? Maybe you could get a sponsor to walk your through this or a temporary one for now... or stand up & say your name & actually say that you are looking for any advice or support on speaking from those that were shy/scared there first time. You can even type it out or write it down & practice out loud at home. People will come to help you, you can to this, your are loved & you deserve sobriety & a happy fulfilling life.
Take Care & keep sharing ~ NB
Take Care & keep sharing ~ NB
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 56
i always thought you had to speak at AA. I am very shy in public and I think I would just end up crying(a nervous thing). But in the same sense as I am struggling I don't know if I can sit and listen to other peoples problems. I know that sounds insensitive. I apologize if it offends anyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Scat. I've been to lots of meetings, and in my experience the majority of people do not sit and list their problems. They are there to share experience, strength and hope. I find their stories inspirational rather than depressing. Many are moving, but that's the reality of how life is as an alcoholic.
I would encourage you to try a few meetings. I wouldn't have made it this far without AA xx
I would encourage you to try a few meetings. I wouldn't have made it this far without AA xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi positive lady,
I used to feel like that at meetings, the same feelings I had at school, when I was the new kid and would sit in the toilets at break times and cry my eyes out.
When I did speak at meetings, I would just end up crying and couldn't get the words out. I often wondered why I would subject myself to this. The answer was that I wanted to get sober and these feelings were coming from me and I have learnt a lot about myself, my reactions around people now when I feel uncomfortable, I try not to shy away from that feeling but stay with it and observe it.
AA is not a social club but a support group to get sober and the steps are the most important. Stick with it, it's well worth it.
Love
CaiHong
I used to feel like that at meetings, the same feelings I had at school, when I was the new kid and would sit in the toilets at break times and cry my eyes out.
When I did speak at meetings, I would just end up crying and couldn't get the words out. I often wondered why I would subject myself to this. The answer was that I wanted to get sober and these feelings were coming from me and I have learnt a lot about myself, my reactions around people now when I feel uncomfortable, I try not to shy away from that feeling but stay with it and observe it.
AA is not a social club but a support group to get sober and the steps are the most important. Stick with it, it's well worth it.
Love
CaiHong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Thank you to everyone, it has really helped me. Yesterday I felt so low and I could not work out why and I think by listening to what you have all say I think it was the feelings I had that reminded me of being a child and feeling like i didn't belong with my friends and family. That had been recreated at the meeting yesterday. What I have come to realise is that these feelings would normally make me drink but I have to face them. I can't always feel good and thats ok. I guess being an addict I want it and I want it now and I can't have it now I have to work for it.
So thank you soooo much, I am going to get this. I value my sobriety so much. I am a work in progress and I have to remember this. Rome was'nt built in a day.
Ally a very grateful Alcoholic.
So thank you soooo much, I am going to get this. I value my sobriety so much. I am a work in progress and I have to remember this. Rome was'nt built in a day.
Ally a very grateful Alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Ally, you're doing really well. Getting sober is tough because we are learning how to deal with emotions for the first time. Being scared and childlike are definitely emotions I can relate to!
Guess I'm learning that not self medicating them with alcohol is the first step towards recognising and accepting ourselves. I'm growing up for the first time since I started drinking. Not easy, but I'm prepared for that.
Hang in there, we are all scared insecure kids underneath. We understand and are here for each other xx
Guess I'm learning that not self medicating them with alcohol is the first step towards recognising and accepting ourselves. I'm growing up for the first time since I started drinking. Not easy, but I'm prepared for that.
Hang in there, we are all scared insecure kids underneath. We understand and are here for each other xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Coming up 3 months. Some really challenging moments, but I can't begin to explain how much better my life is. Everything is real. My relationship with my H and kids is strong and I'm facing everything head on rather than hiding in a bottle.
You can do it xx
You can do it xx
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Well all great advice. And way to be there Jeni
All I can add , is you asked who whould want to hear your story answer I would love to hear your story. And I would bet my life that , at least one other person one in those meetings does also. 
It takes time to learn this new life, try not to get worked up. Just keep going and just try one tiny step forward each time.
We are routing for you, and AA is my social life. I been going for 14 months daily. And if I miss a day I feel kinda weird.
Stay on the beam.
All I can add , is you asked who whould want to hear your story answer I would love to hear your story.
And I would bet my life that , at least one other person one in those meetings does also. It takes time to learn this new life, try not to get worked up. Just keep going and just try one tiny step forward each time.
We are routing for you, and AA is my social life. I been going for 14 months daily. And if I miss a day I feel kinda weird.
Stay on the beam.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Ally, and anyone too shy to pipe in here but feel the same way....
There are people who've been going to AA for awhile and still don't speak out loud. It's not just newcomers who feel shy and tongue tied.
If the meetings you are going to are primarily people sharing their problems, look into finding a BigBook study meeting in your area. That will be focused on the literature of AA rather than individuals discussing their own lives. I would not stop going to the discussion meetings, but I would add some of the more formatted meetings as well.
Since you keep to yourself during meetings, it is possible that others see that and think that you prefer to be left alone. They may think you "want space".
Everyone at the meetings is a person with feelings, and usually with some insecurities. They want and need to be reached out to as well. No one wants to be rebuffed if they come over and say hi and want to get to know someone. If you have not called any of the numbers on your sheet, or introduced yourself at meeting or to anyone afterwards, they might feel they don't want to risk being rebuffed. MANY addicts are very shy people who drank and drugged to overcome that social fear. We are still learning to be honest and deal with people.
Up to your comfort level try to meet people half way.
A good way to gently get to know someone is this. If there was a share at a meeting that touched you or helped you, approach that one person after meeting and let them know. A conversation may begin, and if nothing else you will be affirming anothers experience and encouraging them (who may find speaking up frightening) to share their story.
Sometimes people share just a teeny tiny bit, it's a start. I've often heard people just share their name and "it's a rough day" or "Today was better than yesterday, pass"
A share doesn't have to be long, worded like a fine oration, or intimately revealing, just a little sign that you are opening up will be a signal to others that you want to be part of things. Just a few word share may lead to a little conversation after meeting.
When I got into NA, I wanted someone who knew the ropes to save me. I didn't realize that I felt that way at the time, but now I see that I did. After all, I was the sick one, the newbie and those people there were the ones who had it figured out, right?
Not true! People are in every stage of recovery, relapse, leaps ahead and backsliding. We are all just addicts working on our own recovery. We all need people to reach out to us. We all have something on our story and experience that can help another who is sitting in a meeting. It is a WE program. In the end I am responsible for working my program. For choosing whether or not I am going to hang in there and do this thing. I had to push past a lot of issues, anger, resentments and internal arguments to get and stay in recovery.
No one in that room could ever say anything, do anything or offer any support that could bypass me doing the work, reaching out, and opening myself up to some ideas and behaviors that were scary. I didn't have to do it all at once, but I had to be willing to let go and try new things. Recovery isn't picked up by osmosis. Sitting in meetings won't heal me. Once I started working the steps, for real, in my own life I began to "get it".
Once I started looking honestly at my own situations, I felt more fellowship with the others.
There are people who've been going to AA for awhile and still don't speak out loud. It's not just newcomers who feel shy and tongue tied.
If the meetings you are going to are primarily people sharing their problems, look into finding a BigBook study meeting in your area. That will be focused on the literature of AA rather than individuals discussing their own lives. I would not stop going to the discussion meetings, but I would add some of the more formatted meetings as well.
Since you keep to yourself during meetings, it is possible that others see that and think that you prefer to be left alone. They may think you "want space".
Everyone at the meetings is a person with feelings, and usually with some insecurities. They want and need to be reached out to as well. No one wants to be rebuffed if they come over and say hi and want to get to know someone. If you have not called any of the numbers on your sheet, or introduced yourself at meeting or to anyone afterwards, they might feel they don't want to risk being rebuffed. MANY addicts are very shy people who drank and drugged to overcome that social fear. We are still learning to be honest and deal with people.
Up to your comfort level try to meet people half way.
A good way to gently get to know someone is this. If there was a share at a meeting that touched you or helped you, approach that one person after meeting and let them know. A conversation may begin, and if nothing else you will be affirming anothers experience and encouraging them (who may find speaking up frightening) to share their story.
Sometimes people share just a teeny tiny bit, it's a start. I've often heard people just share their name and "it's a rough day" or "Today was better than yesterday, pass"
A share doesn't have to be long, worded like a fine oration, or intimately revealing, just a little sign that you are opening up will be a signal to others that you want to be part of things. Just a few word share may lead to a little conversation after meeting.
When I got into NA, I wanted someone who knew the ropes to save me. I didn't realize that I felt that way at the time, but now I see that I did. After all, I was the sick one, the newbie and those people there were the ones who had it figured out, right?
Not true! People are in every stage of recovery, relapse, leaps ahead and backsliding. We are all just addicts working on our own recovery. We all need people to reach out to us. We all have something on our story and experience that can help another who is sitting in a meeting. It is a WE program. In the end I am responsible for working my program. For choosing whether or not I am going to hang in there and do this thing. I had to push past a lot of issues, anger, resentments and internal arguments to get and stay in recovery.
No one in that room could ever say anything, do anything or offer any support that could bypass me doing the work, reaching out, and opening myself up to some ideas and behaviors that were scary. I didn't have to do it all at once, but I had to be willing to let go and try new things. Recovery isn't picked up by osmosis. Sitting in meetings won't heal me. Once I started working the steps, for real, in my own life I began to "get it".
Once I started looking honestly at my own situations, I felt more fellowship with the others.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi positivelady. I get what you are saying, and while AA is intended as a recovery group over a social group, it definitely has social elements to it, and many social relationships form through it.
I've been attending my two meetings for a year now. One of them, off and on, for almost a decade. Both groups have their established core, who have bonded deeply. I've been invited into one of those groups, and have joined, but didn't really fit. I'm not sure why, but it may have as much to do with the strength of my personality as it does with their intact bond. Maybe we are not ready for each other.
The other group, a larger and more jovial bunch, I'd love to bond with, but the bonding happens in the smoking area before and after the meeting. I quit smoking the first of the year, so that doesn't work for me, and being smokefree is more important to me. So, I don't bond. I've figured out that most of those folks attend many other meetings together during the week. I don't, by choice. So, I am as much to blame for the non-bonding as any.
Anyway, I get what you are saying. One thing you can do is reach out to others, especially newcomers, and offer your support and friendship. I did so last night to two newcomers and was glad I did.
Stick with it PL67, you'll get over this hump. Eventually, you'll connect with the right person or group for you.
I've been attending my two meetings for a year now. One of them, off and on, for almost a decade. Both groups have their established core, who have bonded deeply. I've been invited into one of those groups, and have joined, but didn't really fit. I'm not sure why, but it may have as much to do with the strength of my personality as it does with their intact bond. Maybe we are not ready for each other.
The other group, a larger and more jovial bunch, I'd love to bond with, but the bonding happens in the smoking area before and after the meeting. I quit smoking the first of the year, so that doesn't work for me, and being smokefree is more important to me. So, I don't bond. I've figured out that most of those folks attend many other meetings together during the week. I don't, by choice. So, I am as much to blame for the non-bonding as any.
Anyway, I get what you are saying. One thing you can do is reach out to others, especially newcomers, and offer your support and friendship. I did so last night to two newcomers and was glad I did.
Stick with it PL67, you'll get over this hump. Eventually, you'll connect with the right person or group for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Ally, do you have a sponsor yet?
Ask one of the oldtimers (a lady at the meetings that you truly admire, you want what she has) if she'll be your sponsor. A sponsor can help you over these perceived humps and get you back on track.
All the best.
Bob R
Ask one of the oldtimers (a lady at the meetings that you truly admire, you want what she has) if she'll be your sponsor. A sponsor can help you over these perceived humps and get you back on track.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by positivelady67 
Hi Guys
Just been to another AA meeting but I just don't feel like I fit in I have been sober for 5 months and I try to go to meetings 3-4 times a week but at the end when everyone stops and chats I find it so hard and the thoughts of being that frightend child at school come back and I can't find the words. I thought maybe give it time as I am a newcomer but there are 2 ladies who are just a few days and weeks sober who are being hugged and chatted to by the regulars. I know that maybe because they share they are being welcomed more but I am terrified of speaking. I have managed to share twice but when I listen to other people they have better things to say than I could possiblely thing of. Who really wants to hear my story??? Also I am scared to start speaking as some of the meetings are really like he who starts speaking the loundest gets heard and that scares me if someone speaks at the same time as me, although thats just an excuse as they had a part of the meeting for shy sharers and I still said nothing.
I have just come away feeling more alone then ever but I know its down to me and not them. How do I overcome my fear and join in and be accepted?
Ally
x
Just been to another AA meeting but I just don't feel like I fit in
I have been sober for 5 months and I try to go to meetings 3-4 times a week but at the end when everyone stops and chats I find it so hard and the thoughts of being that frightend child at school come back and I can't find the words. I thought maybe give it time as I am a newcomer but there are 2 ladies who are just a few days and weeks sober who are being hugged and chatted to by the regulars. I know that maybe because they share they are being welcomed more but I am terrified of speaking. I have managed to share twice but when I listen to other people they have better things to say than I could possiblely thing of. Who really wants to hear my story??? Also I am scared to start speaking as some of the meetings are really like he who starts speaking the loundest gets heard and that scares me if someone speaks at the same time as me, although thats just an excuse as they had a part of the meeting for shy sharers and I still said nothing. I have just come away feeling more alone then ever but I know its down to me and not them. How do I overcome my fear and join in and be accepted?
Ally
x
As Bob mentioned, a sponsor would be really helpful.
Sharing is not mandatory although many find it really helpful.
YOu have a lot to offer especially to a newcomer. 5 months sober is huge. I know when I was new I couldnt wrap my head around 10 or 20 years of sobriety. But when I heard people mention that they have 3 months, 6 months a year, I thought to myself "this is possible. this really works."
Stepping out of our comfort zone is hard, but the growth we experience from it is well worth the temporary discomfort.
God bless you. Keep it up!
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