Pigtails

I've reached the double digits today.

I've realized something kind of interesting. At some points I start thinking "I want a drink" or "I need a drink" or "I can have just a drink or two." Then I start feeling rather grumpy, angry and/or depressed that I can't have one, and then I start feeling pretty down and depressed that I'm an alcoholic. But then after I don't give in, the thoughts go away and at some point after that I find myself feeling grateful and happy that I didn't drink. I think "I am having just as much or more fun without drinking, so why did I think I needed a drink?" or "Yeah I've feeling down/weird/whatever but how would drinking make it better... it would just make it worse." And sometimes I have super happy moments where I'm so glad I'm not drinking, and I remind myself that it's worth putting up with the "down" moments to have these happy/"up" moments.

Here's a quote from the writer Jonathan Safran Foer that I have been repeating to myself to remind myself why drinking only makes things worse in the long run: “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” It helps me and I hope it might help some of you.

Kza

Great quote but you have to be lucky every single time you feel like drinking for the rest of your life. Alcohol only has to be lucky once and you have relapsed bad odds.

Pigtails

I get what you're trying to say but I don't know if "lucky" is the right word. I don't feel like I get lucky and alcohol gets unlucky, I just stay focused on what I really want for myself.

neferkamichael

Pigtails, day 10? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.

Mits78

Congrats for day 10!!! Its a great feeling to have that freedom.

Kza

I meant the odds are terrible. I have not drunk for four days but I cannot see how I can beat the urge to drink every time. I know once I start again and I know I will, it will continue.

Pigtails

Yeah I'm trying to fight this sort of mentality myself. I used the "one day at a time" philosophy but honestly I always started to think "okay so I'm not drinking today but eventually I can drink, and when will that be?" I had to realize that I can never drink again. I'm not saying I'm happy about it (quite the opposite) but I'm trying to be realistic, that's the way things are for me and I want a better life so I have to get used to the practical realities of a life without alcohol. I'm not sure this way will work but I figure I have to try something, and so far it's working and I feel much better than I did when I went back to drinking.

Kza

Weird how so much is common in everyone's situation. I am not drinking ever again but part of me is planning when and how to drink again. Oh and adding extra rules to the drinking so I can control it!

Mits78

You CAN beat the urge. When we say we CAN'T do something we actually draw that negative energy into our thoughts and it becomes true.

You can beat it. Believe it.

Pigtails

I did this too. I wasn't drinking, going to AA (after a while I stopped), but all the while thinking, okay after enough time has passed I will see if I can handle it socially, I will only drink on the weekends, or only on special occasions etc.

Well, I had my first drink after I found out I'd had a miscarriage, which of course wasn't something I could plan for or decide how to "drink over." My drinking seemed to be more frequent and heavy than it was before I stopped drinking (although maybe I just noticed it more). I had countless nights where I said "I'm not going to drink much tonight, and come home early," only to end up wondering where the next party was, not wanting to go home until I HAD to, then waking up late and regretting it, etc. A couple crazy nights where for instance I started yelling at my boyfriend for not wanting to do Ecstasy with me at 1 AM, even though I had an important event for work the next day, and deciding to get an expensive cab ride to pick up a friend who said she would do it with us, only to discover that she was drunk off her butt to the point where, the next day, she didn't remember us coming to get her the night before, but we all proceeded to have a big fight and I said some very mean things to my boyfriend's best friend... it was just crazy, out-of-control chaos. It is not the kind of life I want to live.

So I realize now that I was fooling myself thinking that I could drink socially, or in moderation, and that I should just give up on planning those things because it's a waste of time. Honestly when I think about drinking now, it's more like "yeah I know I'll get obliterated but I don't care, that's pretty much what I want to do." I have to talk myself through, all the way to the consequences, and remind myself to stay focused on the kind of life I really want, which doesn't include drinking like that and therefore doesn't include drinking at all, since I have proven I can't handle it. And even just thinking about it so much and wishing I could handle it and being jealous of people who can, or even not caring and wanting to drink even though I know I can't handle it, is further proof that I'm an alcoholic and that I should stay far far far away from it.

Rochford

Congratulations on day 10!! I am still struggling with the realization that I can't ever drink again, either. My gut reaction is that I'm saying goodbye to an old friend, but then I remember that it wasn't my friend at all. Quite the opposite. Here's to feeling better

Kza

I know the getting obliterated feeling ..

MetalChick

We all get those mixed feelings. The ups and downs of quitting. I got to a point where even the social drinking turned out to be a disaster. I am not that jealous anymore of people who can handle it, because I don't think most of them ever had the same experience. They do not feel the euphoria that we do while drinking or the lows we feel. If we were normal drinkers we would not care so much about it. We are jealous that they can drink, but then again they don't feel the same thing when they drink that we do. Not sure if I am making sense on this, but I am trying

emeraldeye

MetalChick

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” It helps me and I hope it might help some of you."

I like that quote, but not sure about it. I think it may fall into quotes like "sin feels good for a season"

But it gives pause for thought, Pigtails.

Kza

To me it says

If you drink to stop feeling sad, you will never be happy either.

That has been my problem.

MetalChick

I think that quote can be used for good or bad depending on the mood of an alkie. What I am saying is that I can see it helping me, and I can see it destroying me. IMHO it is a dangerous quote. Until we see that boozing brings 99% sadness and we are no longer "in love" with that sadness and feel that we are loosing more by quitting then we are gaining by sobriety.. That is dangerous. I feel I am gaining way more happiness in sobiety

MetalChick

LOL, pigtails

I am over thinking again!!!!!

Pigtails

This is exactly what it means to me too Kza.

I drink to escape from and "help" and cover up my feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety. But then it means I don't get to enjoy feelings of happiness, hope, excitement. All my emotions are dumbed down by booze! So I will take whatever feelings and emotions come my way and just sit with them because at least I know they are real and true, and I know I will not be able to experience the good feelings if I'm so intent on drowning out the bad ones (with the bad, I will drown out the good... and I want to feel all of it.)

There's another quote like it from the movie Vanilla Sky, where he says "Without the bitter baby, the sweet ain't as sweet." For me it means that I cannot expect good and happy things in life if I'm not willing to deal with the bad and ugly things. Life is full of good and bad, ups and downs. I cannot protect myself from any of it. And by drinking, I am only inviting more bad feelings and negative consequences into my life! So I might as well start learning how to live in and cope with reality, instead of trying to protect myself from it.

Pigtails

Yes ha ha and I'm sorry if the quote triggered you, to me it means only positive things and I was just trying to help.

And I know what you mean about there being no point in being jealous of social drinkers... they don't get the high we did from it so it is not the same thing. I guess sometimes I am jealous of people with drinking problems who don't realize they have a problem yet, because at some point alcohol DOES help, or at least appear to... that's when it gives you the euphoria and confidence... but eventually it turns on you and then, for me anyway, things are never the same again. But social drinkers don't have any of that, I guess it's like when I drink some coffee and think "mmm that helped!" but I don't even worry about indulging to excess or or ruining my physical or emotional health or if the coffee will make me do something stupid that I'll later regret... it's just coffee. And to social drinkers, it's just alcohol. So why be jealous of that? It's like being jealous of people who like to drink tea in the afternoons. So what?! Ha ha.