Helbel

Hi folks, I'm new to this forum and I'm on day 18 of being sober. Last night a friend invited me for a few Beers after work. I said I would meet her but I wasn't drinking alcohol at the moment as I had decided to take a break. I didn't say I thought I was an alcoholic as I don't think I am, I said I needed the break as my half marathon training was suffering.
She seemed really pleased for me that I'd gone 17 days and when I said I'd stopped smoking as well she was complementing me. When I asked what time we should meet she fobbed me off and said lets just leave it till tomorrow night. I persisted as I wanted to have a chat after work but she said no. I felt quite angry that she was happy to meet me if I was drinking beer but obviously she didn't want to meet me if I was drinking lemonade.
This made me feel like I wanted alcohol even more, I thought well if I was a normal drinker I could have met her had a couple of drinks then gone to bed.
The two of us are going to meet tonight after work and she will be drinking, I know the night will end early and I will be sober. I have felt that sometimes I have drank alcohol just to make other people happy. I even thought well I could have a few drinks tonight then stop again tomorrow. I will not do this as i am so happy not drinking and I wake up everyday feeling happy and hangover free.
I feel I need some advice on managing situations where people are drinking, and how I can deal with feelings of guilt because I am not drinking. I know that sound crazy but it's how I feel.
Thanks

choublak

It sounds to me like your friend has some issues. Why does it matter who's drinking what?

Sapling

Welcome Helbel....I had friends that were friends because we drank together.....Guess what?....I stopped drinking...Because I am an alcoholic.... And they aren't my friends anymore. I'm happy...With new friends that like me for who I am....And not what I drink...And the old friends....Are still the same. Hang in there...Do what's right for you.

envymeetfury

people who get drunk wanna be around other drunks when they do.jus like misery loves company///.. when around them this can be a trigger.//.if your goal is eternal sobriety find new friends..if its temporary stay clear of em till ur ready to indulge .//i promise the more ur around drunks when your sober ,,.the shorter your tolerance for drunks will become

mecanix

I believe you may have put your friend off drinking that evening .

Sometimes we have big gooey pizzas at work as a treat , if my sporty colleauge say's no i wont have a pizza i'll come along and have a salad, it makes us all think for a moment about how we should all have salads, really . Quite often we all end up eating salads or just not bothering ... maybe your friend was having a simmalar experience with respect to drinking .

HitRockBottom70

Hey Helbel,
Choublak has a very good point. My friends know I no longer drink and it has not been an issue one time. That's probably because I was the only one with a drinking problem. My not drinking does not threaten them in any way.

All my friends drink. I would not have a social life if i shut myself off from them. They can drink and go home and be sober, I used to drink and go home and get more tequila until I blacked out.

The trick for me is to always have a non alcoholic drink in my hand or at my seat at the table. Also be very self aware and if you are feeling weak, do not put yourself in a position where you may drink. We are all here because we know we have a problem. If we could have moderated we would have. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can have just a couple drinks with a friend, we all know where that one leads.

Do not feel guilty. This is your life that is at stake.

Sapling

I think feeling guilty could be a problem...I know I wanted to stop drinking...For good. At 17 days I wasn't around people drinking...Period...I don't care who they were. You want to stay out of trouble?....Stay away from it for awhile. It worked for me.

IndaMiricale

I would just ditto Sapling on both his responses.

purpleperson

Do NOT feel guilty. I can relate. I am on day 21. I've gone to dinner and ballgames with close friends, even had a few over. In all of these cases, they've been drinking (not to the point of drunkenness, but drinking) and it hasn't been an issue. This is mainly because I have been open with them (CLOSE friends) about where I'm at and what I'm doing. This has worked for me.

Sorry about your friend. It seems like the salad analogy above might be apt. Perhaps, if you two usually meet for a couple (or more) beers, she would feel the need to examine her own habits. Maybe call her in a few days and invite her to coffee, a movie, or other non-boozy activity and see how it goes? I never really did these things before because I always wanted to do activities involving drinking, but apparently, most people do actually engage in these types of sober, social activities (who knew?!?!?).

Hang in there!!!!

MrsKing

At the beginning I struggled with this, too. It took me quite a long while to understand why I felt that way, and I've come to realise it's because I was looking at the situation through my own eyes. When I drank, I didn't like it when other people weren't drinking. It's horrible to admit, but it's true. I probably pressurised people into drinking when they really didn't want to (yuck) and I didn't like it when I was the only one drinking, or when others suggested we do something that didn't involve alcohol. When I first got sober I would go to meet people that were drinking and would feel that they were disappointed that I wasn't drinking, that they felt I was being boring and anti-social. The truth is that they probably weren't thinking any of that at all... because alcohol isn't something they obsess over... I was just remembering how I would have felt if someone had decided to be sober on a night out when I was drinking.

Does that make sense?

It's a lot easier now. Give it time. You'll settle into your new routines and everyone will else will expect you not to drink. Those feelings we feel when with other people are generally just reflections of ourselves, not those around us.

I know your friend seemed that she didn't want to meet up with you because you weren't drinking, but there could have been a lot of different things going on, and maybe she did fancy a drink and didn't want to put you in an awkward position? She could have issues with alcohol or she could just be being sympathetic and not want to risk you slipping up.

None of that really matters - what matters is that you do what is right for you and what will help keep you sober. Don't worry too much about what others think and feel when it comes to your sobriety... it's too important.

Wishing you all the best.

SlimSlim

Helbel:

There's an old saying to the effect that Jews invented guilt and Catholics perfected it. Being raised Catholic, guilt was a part of my upbringing. It didn't take me long to recognize that it was a destructive emotion. If I am guilty of doing something, I fess up and apologize, however I do not carry feelings of guilt with me.

How can you deal with feelings of guilt when you are not drinking? I would suggest that you try to understand why you feel guilty and then you'll find the answer. If you google "Why do I feel guilty when I say no", you'll get a lot of hits...maybe some will strike a chord. One underlying theme in a lot of these threads is that people who feel guilty for saying no tend to be people pleasers and feel that they are letting others down.

If this is the case with you, your sobriety comes first. There are times in life where we do have to put ourselves first and there is nothing selfish about that.

Here's a link to something discussing guilt: Boundaries » Learning how and When to Say “NO” » Being Well Within

freshstart57

I like what MrsKing had to say, isn't it possible your friend was thinking about you, trying to cut you some slack and not place you in a difficult position? I know that I might have reacted that way in my drinking days if someone had told me that they were newly sober.

If you do meet, get that tonic and lime and be pleased with yourself in knowing that you are doing the right thing for yourself. It is about time, don't you think?

Helbel

Thanks everybody your words mean so much and help me understand. I met my friend tonight and I ad 3 soft drinks nd she had 3 alcoholic drinks.mit took a lot of strength not to give in and have a drink but I did it and feel so happy writing this sober. Thanks gain

artsoul

That's really great, Helbel - the first time for anything is always the hardest. Just don't make yourself do too much too soon if you're not comfortable. It took me a couple months to finally feel strong enough to be around people who were drinking.

Congrats on your 18 days!