If you use sometimes, are you and "addict"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orange City, FL
Posts: 3
If you use sometimes, are you and "addict"?
My husband of 8 years says he can controle it, and therefore does not have a problem. Everyone he knows has to have them, (percs), daily in order to function. he was like that too, and now only does one 2-3 times a week.... Does that make him a addict, still?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
I most certainly can't speak to that side of things since my drug of choice was alcohol, but what I can say is that it wasn't how much I drank, when I drank, how often I drank, or who I drank with that made me an alcoholic.
About the only one that can say I'm an alcoholic is myself, if I'm being honest. Everyone around me can see and experience the fallout / symptoms of my disease. If you need support as a family member of someone you suspect, then there are groups here that can help.
About the only one that can say I'm an alcoholic is myself, if I'm being honest. Everyone around me can see and experience the fallout / symptoms of my disease. If you need support as a family member of someone you suspect, then there are groups here that can help.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 65
Labels can be very tricky.
He takes ONE perc, two or three times a week? Has he explained the WHY of it all? He is definitely abusing them if there is no medical reason for their consumption, such as pain.
Whether he is an addict or not is kind of irrelevent. His behavior is alarming and could lead to a much greater abuse in the future, where physical addiction is almost assured. Opiates are extremely "sneaky" in this regard. Even tiny abuse very, very slowly expands into something very bad, with the user rationalizing it along; mental games like "One pill a day isn't bad... I'm not an addict" becomes "an extra pill today because I'm stressed or deserve a reward" and then it snowballs.
Have you explained to him that the use of these pills bothers you?
He takes ONE perc, two or three times a week? Has he explained the WHY of it all? He is definitely abusing them if there is no medical reason for their consumption, such as pain.
Whether he is an addict or not is kind of irrelevent. His behavior is alarming and could lead to a much greater abuse in the future, where physical addiction is almost assured. Opiates are extremely "sneaky" in this regard. Even tiny abuse very, very slowly expands into something very bad, with the user rationalizing it along; mental games like "One pill a day isn't bad... I'm not an addict" becomes "an extra pill today because I'm stressed or deserve a reward" and then it snowballs.
Have you explained to him that the use of these pills bothers you?
Resident Alien
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 198
I would be less concerned about the question "is he still an addict" and more about the question "is he in active addiction?"
I don't necessarily want to plant doubts in your head... but if he can control it, why is he using at all? If he has legitimate reasons for taking it, why only the 2-3 times a week? Why if he sees all his addict friends and what they are doing, does he want to play with fire and chance becoming like them (again, as you say he used to be like that too). Sounds sketchy to me. I don't buy it.
I used for years giving my wife the same spheel... that I had it under control and was only using on weekends. For a while it was true. For much longer I was lying through my teeth. I was using every waking minute. It finally caught up with me, and will with him if he is.
If everyone he knows has to have them daily in order to function, what makes him so special that he does not? I never once knew anyone in my user scene that actually used recreationally, once in awhile, for more than a few weeks. People would either kick it early, not wanting to become like me, or follow me down the spiral. I did know several of us who played that scheme with our loved ones, however... shame and guilt are a b**ch. It can be very hard to come clean with your loved ones that you are powerless to control your addiction. It is much easier to tell the "acceptable" lie that "I'm only using once in awhile."
In my humble opinion, one does not stop being an addict just because one is abstaining (and he is not abstaining, even). I would be more concerned, as I said, about his future, and yours, if this train continues on its present course.
I have heard tell of some recovering addicts who somehow magically gained the willpower to only use "socially", or recreationally once in a while. I have never met one of these people, and do not believe they exist, but what do I know? I could easily be wrong.
Best of wishes to you & yours.
I don't necessarily want to plant doubts in your head... but if he can control it, why is he using at all? If he has legitimate reasons for taking it, why only the 2-3 times a week? Why if he sees all his addict friends and what they are doing, does he want to play with fire and chance becoming like them (again, as you say he used to be like that too). Sounds sketchy to me. I don't buy it.
I used for years giving my wife the same spheel... that I had it under control and was only using on weekends. For a while it was true. For much longer I was lying through my teeth. I was using every waking minute. It finally caught up with me, and will with him if he is.
If everyone he knows has to have them daily in order to function, what makes him so special that he does not? I never once knew anyone in my user scene that actually used recreationally, once in awhile, for more than a few weeks. People would either kick it early, not wanting to become like me, or follow me down the spiral. I did know several of us who played that scheme with our loved ones, however... shame and guilt are a b**ch. It can be very hard to come clean with your loved ones that you are powerless to control your addiction. It is much easier to tell the "acceptable" lie that "I'm only using once in awhile."
In my humble opinion, one does not stop being an addict just because one is abstaining (and he is not abstaining, even). I would be more concerned, as I said, about his future, and yours, if this train continues on its present course.
I have heard tell of some recovering addicts who somehow magically gained the willpower to only use "socially", or recreationally once in a while. I have never met one of these people, and do not believe they exist, but what do I know? I could easily be wrong.
Best of wishes to you & yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 34
dragonfire is dead on. The question isn't really is he still an addict, as once you are addicted in my opinion and from what I've seen you are addicted. If you are still taking the substance in question then you are still in your active addiction and heading farther into the progression of addiction. Addiction is a progressive deadly disease. Sometimes it progresses slowly, sometimes very quickly, but if it isn't treated and the addict doesn't learn a new way of life, it's ends are always the same...jail, institutions, or death. Like dragonfire I've never seen anyone go from daily opiate use to social use or even appropriate prescibed use. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I've never seen it. I would suggest that you tell your husband his use is concerning you. I have to wonder if there is more happening that would prompt you to post on a recovery forum in the first place, as I have noticed most people don't reach out for help/advice until they're desperate.
I wish you all the best and I hope that you can find the peace you are looking for. In my experience once someone crosses the line into addiction, the only way not to go back across it is to stay active in recovery, and that doesn't include occasional use of the drug of choice. Encourage your husband as much as you can, but remember to take care of yourself. My addiction pulled down most everyone who loved me. Don't allow his to pull you down.
I wish you all the best and I hope that you can find the peace you are looking for. In my experience once someone crosses the line into addiction, the only way not to go back across it is to stay active in recovery, and that doesn't include occasional use of the drug of choice. Encourage your husband as much as you can, but remember to take care of yourself. My addiction pulled down most everyone who loved me. Don't allow his to pull you down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orange City, FL
Posts: 3
Someone please elp me figure tis out... PLEASE
First... my "h" button works wen it wants, so please bare wit me...;;;...;;..
And tank you for your responses, but to asnswer some of your questions, please read te following. Cause I really need to know wat to do...
We have been together for over 8 years. I was a single mother of 3 when we started dating. Everything was perfect for the first 5 years, then he met some new friends about 3 years ago, and my life has been a rollercoaster ride ever since. I have never been a user of drugs. Well, with these new friends came new habbits. First it was smoking weed, then the real problem of pills started. To make a long story short, he was "snorting" about 2-4 pills a day, then I'd threaten to leave if it didn't stop. So then he would go through the withdrawls and would be clean for a while. Then e after a short period of time, (about a week or two), he would reward himself by getting a pill. Then the cycle would start all up again. I ended up taking our daugter and leaving. After monts of begging and promising he had learned his leason and had stop doing pills and stopped hanging out wit the "friends" who introduced him to pills, I came home. Well, he no longer angs out with ANYONE really, cause EVERYONE around here is on them. But he still does a pill here and there. Sometimes 1 a week, sometimes 2 or 3 a week. Wich is a big improvement, but it still boters me. I've been reading a lot of posts on here, and Steven is not as bad as what some of yall are going through. he doesn't steal to get tem, and if our daugter need anyting it always comes first. I'm a stay at home mom, and he supports us. But instead of getting ahead we're payceck to payceck because if there's anyting left after paying all the bills, gas and diapers, ect. he wants to get a pill. Wen I protest, he tells me it's his money and he's already paid all the bills and deserves to get himself wat he wants..... I don't know wat to do with that. he does work is butt off to support us, he makes sure we have what we need, and he's not doing them all the time like before..... And I know tats ard to believe, but iv been paying VERRY close attention te money, and it all adds up. e tells me if e buys one and it all adds up... I don't wat to make of it. I only know wat iv read about addiction and wat iv seen, and I don't see ow its possible for im to go from using all te time, everyday to just ere and tere. Tat's wy Im on ere, to ask oter addicts wat to look for, or eplain to me wat's going on..... Am I just being ungratefull? Should I just except it? he says he's not addicted and just likes to get "high" sometimes. Then he'll go about 4 or 5 days witout one to prove it....and like I said , I can vouge for every penny going out, so wat else could be going on.... cause I too find it ard to believe....
And tank you for your responses, but to asnswer some of your questions, please read te following. Cause I really need to know wat to do...
We have been together for over 8 years. I was a single mother of 3 when we started dating. Everything was perfect for the first 5 years, then he met some new friends about 3 years ago, and my life has been a rollercoaster ride ever since. I have never been a user of drugs. Well, with these new friends came new habbits. First it was smoking weed, then the real problem of pills started. To make a long story short, he was "snorting" about 2-4 pills a day, then I'd threaten to leave if it didn't stop. So then he would go through the withdrawls and would be clean for a while. Then e after a short period of time, (about a week or two), he would reward himself by getting a pill. Then the cycle would start all up again. I ended up taking our daugter and leaving. After monts of begging and promising he had learned his leason and had stop doing pills and stopped hanging out wit the "friends" who introduced him to pills, I came home. Well, he no longer angs out with ANYONE really, cause EVERYONE around here is on them. But he still does a pill here and there. Sometimes 1 a week, sometimes 2 or 3 a week. Wich is a big improvement, but it still boters me. I've been reading a lot of posts on here, and Steven is not as bad as what some of yall are going through. he doesn't steal to get tem, and if our daugter need anyting it always comes first. I'm a stay at home mom, and he supports us. But instead of getting ahead we're payceck to payceck because if there's anyting left after paying all the bills, gas and diapers, ect. he wants to get a pill. Wen I protest, he tells me it's his money and he's already paid all the bills and deserves to get himself wat he wants..... I don't know wat to do with that. he does work is butt off to support us, he makes sure we have what we need, and he's not doing them all the time like before..... And I know tats ard to believe, but iv been paying VERRY close attention te money, and it all adds up. e tells me if e buys one and it all adds up... I don't wat to make of it. I only know wat iv read about addiction and wat iv seen, and I don't see ow its possible for im to go from using all te time, everyday to just ere and tere. Tat's wy Im on ere, to ask oter addicts wat to look for, or eplain to me wat's going on..... Am I just being ungratefull? Should I just except it? he says he's not addicted and just likes to get "high" sometimes. Then he'll go about 4 or 5 days witout one to prove it....and like I said , I can vouge for every penny going out, so wat else could be going on.... cause I too find it ard to believe....
Resident Alien
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 198
OK, thanks for responding with more info, the devil is always in the details. A few things stick out from your last post.
#1. His money vs. your money. Regardless if you are legally married or not, if you are a family unit living under one roof it should be "our money" and not "his money". What he does with "his money" affects everyone in the household. This is just my opinion, but when I was hiding my use from my wife I would often play this card to justify my using. I would love to see the look on her face now if I told her I was gonna do what I wanted with "my money", now that we have 2 children while I work the day job and she works the household job.
#2. Rewarding yourself for abstaining from a drug by using the very drug you were avoiding is a VERY. BAD. IDEA. Not to say I haven't done it myself a hundred times or so over the years, but it just can't work that way. It seems like he's doing the rules. Rules like "if I only use once a week I won't get strung out". My personal rule for a long time was "one week on, two weeks off, and I can control it". I probably don't need to tell you how that worked out in the long run. Not pretty.
#3. Addiction is a disease of progression. I will reference myself in this way... there were times in my decade of active addiction I was able to "control" my usage... as in I would actually use as much as I intended to (whatever $$ I had leftover after bills, etc.), for long periods of time. Always, though, my tolerance would build up & eventually I would start to say "well this bill or that expense can slide this month so I can actually get a great high for once", and I would start using more than I could afford. At that point, once I was in for a penny I was in for a pound and the disease would progress.
The real problem here is his seemingly firm belief that he is the master of his addiction. He obviously loves the high (heh, don't we all), otherwise he would not seek it out. And he believes he is not like the rest of us addicts, and that he won't end up like the rest of us. Every single addict in the world has had this viewpoint at one point or another. Nobody plans on become the horror stories you read about or see on intervention on tv. I would love to think he could go on the rest of his life like this, using recreationally and never progressing any further. I have never met anyone who regularly and consistently sought out opiates (or any other DOC, really) that the disease did not progress at some point.
Its good that he is still putting his loved ones first, and not taking food off the table, so to speak... but it sounds like he is using any leftover money to get high, even though it may not be a large amount. So what happens if he suddenly came into a large sum of money? Do you think he would continue using at the same levels he is now, or would he go on a binder? What would happen when the money was gone and he was all strung out? I wonder.
In the end, most of the above is just irrelevant at this point in his present state. You cannot demand that he change; he has to want to change for himself. He does not seem to think that the nightmare can happen to him, and does not seem to have a desire to be sober. He says he's not addicted, yet why does he keep going back regularly to the same drug and high? (Hint: if he weren't addicted, he wouldn't feel the need to use). I mean honestly, to me, if he was just someone who liked to get "high" recreationally once in awhile, there's lots of other drugs out there besides opiates. He could smoke a joint one week, drink a few beers another week, etc etc. The fact that he keeps going to the opiates is a red flag to me that he has found his DOC (Drug of Choice). He doesn't just want to get high... he wants a very specific high that he enjoys above all others. Dangerous.
I think he's playing with fire, and is probably going to have to touch the burner at some point before he begins to learn some things all of us here have learned or are learning.
For you, I would recommend seeking support in the friends and family forum here... there are a bunch of great people there who are non-users like yourself but have dealt with all manner of situations like you are in. I'm on the addict side of the fence, so I do not have experiences to draw on from the significant-other side of the fence. But I should think it would be a good idea to put some sort of plan into action for the protection of yourself and your children, and those people who have been through it would be who to seek out.
Best of wishes, sorry to ramble on. I hope for the sake of all in your family that things work out for the best in the long run for you & yours.
#1. His money vs. your money. Regardless if you are legally married or not, if you are a family unit living under one roof it should be "our money" and not "his money". What he does with "his money" affects everyone in the household. This is just my opinion, but when I was hiding my use from my wife I would often play this card to justify my using. I would love to see the look on her face now if I told her I was gonna do what I wanted with "my money", now that we have 2 children while I work the day job and she works the household job.
#2. Rewarding yourself for abstaining from a drug by using the very drug you were avoiding is a VERY. BAD. IDEA. Not to say I haven't done it myself a hundred times or so over the years, but it just can't work that way. It seems like he's doing the rules. Rules like "if I only use once a week I won't get strung out". My personal rule for a long time was "one week on, two weeks off, and I can control it". I probably don't need to tell you how that worked out in the long run. Not pretty.
#3. Addiction is a disease of progression. I will reference myself in this way... there were times in my decade of active addiction I was able to "control" my usage... as in I would actually use as much as I intended to (whatever $$ I had leftover after bills, etc.), for long periods of time. Always, though, my tolerance would build up & eventually I would start to say "well this bill or that expense can slide this month so I can actually get a great high for once", and I would start using more than I could afford. At that point, once I was in for a penny I was in for a pound and the disease would progress.
The real problem here is his seemingly firm belief that he is the master of his addiction. He obviously loves the high (heh, don't we all), otherwise he would not seek it out. And he believes he is not like the rest of us addicts, and that he won't end up like the rest of us. Every single addict in the world has had this viewpoint at one point or another. Nobody plans on become the horror stories you read about or see on intervention on tv. I would love to think he could go on the rest of his life like this, using recreationally and never progressing any further. I have never met anyone who regularly and consistently sought out opiates (or any other DOC, really) that the disease did not progress at some point.
Its good that he is still putting his loved ones first, and not taking food off the table, so to speak... but it sounds like he is using any leftover money to get high, even though it may not be a large amount. So what happens if he suddenly came into a large sum of money? Do you think he would continue using at the same levels he is now, or would he go on a binder? What would happen when the money was gone and he was all strung out? I wonder.
In the end, most of the above is just irrelevant at this point in his present state. You cannot demand that he change; he has to want to change for himself. He does not seem to think that the nightmare can happen to him, and does not seem to have a desire to be sober. He says he's not addicted, yet why does he keep going back regularly to the same drug and high? (Hint: if he weren't addicted, he wouldn't feel the need to use). I mean honestly, to me, if he was just someone who liked to get "high" recreationally once in awhile, there's lots of other drugs out there besides opiates. He could smoke a joint one week, drink a few beers another week, etc etc. The fact that he keeps going to the opiates is a red flag to me that he has found his DOC (Drug of Choice). He doesn't just want to get high... he wants a very specific high that he enjoys above all others. Dangerous.
I think he's playing with fire, and is probably going to have to touch the burner at some point before he begins to learn some things all of us here have learned or are learning.
For you, I would recommend seeking support in the friends and family forum here... there are a bunch of great people there who are non-users like yourself but have dealt with all manner of situations like you are in. I'm on the addict side of the fence, so I do not have experiences to draw on from the significant-other side of the fence. But I should think it would be a good idea to put some sort of plan into action for the protection of yourself and your children, and those people who have been through it would be who to seek out.
Best of wishes, sorry to ramble on. I hope for the sake of all in your family that things work out for the best in the long run for you & yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Orange City, FL
Posts: 3
tank you dragonfire, for your words of wisdome.... I do appreciate tem... Did I mention tat my x-usband was an addict to weed and rum.... we've been divorced for 10 years...... e's been sober for almost 2 now.... pretty muc since I left im..... so, i tink I'm gonna stick by and try to see tis one troug... maybe e'll find stregt in me if I keep trying.... I know it's a long sot... but Im just not ready to give up agian.... im not ready to give up on im.... so wis me luck to see it to te end........ and I ope an pray I will ave good news to sare on ere one day....... tank you again........ and keep up te good work :-) 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 34
whattodo:
I appreciate the additonal clarification you provided regarding your husband's use and lifestyle. I know that what I'm going to say is probably going to go over like a turd in a punch bowl, and I mean in no way to offend you. I've been struggling with addiction form many years and in addition to my own experiences I work with other recovering addicts almost daily. I will be as plain as I can be with this...your husband is an addict who is playing with fire. Sure right now, it may be one or two a week, and honestly I doubt that, but even if he is telling the truth, it won't stay that way. Addiction is progressive and by that I mean that a person starts out using say 1 or 2 on weekends for recreation, then it turns into 1 or 2 5days a week. Then it turns into 1 or 2 a day everyday. From there the amount of pills we take grows larger b/c our tolerance gets higher everytime we use. Therefore at some point what was a couple of pills here and there turns into 10-15 pills everyday as the person chases the euphoria they felt originally. Then somewhere along the way an invisible line is crossed and the person is no longer seeking the original euphoria, they are just trying to survive and they have to have their drugs to do that. If addiction is allowed to continue to progress the ends are always jails, institutions, and death.
I understand that he is keeping bills paid and getting things done now, but if he doesn't get serious about finding recovery, eventually that will stop. It sounds to me like you are justifying his using for him, by saying he's not as bad as what you read here. Guess what? An addicts bottom is whenenver they decide to stop digging the hole. He doesn't have to be shooting herion and living in ditches to be and addict. If his use is having negative effects on his life, no matter how minor the situation, and he continues to use, that's a strong indicator of addiction. There are several others that I think may apply to him from your posts, but I won't get into that.
You have to understand that you can't love him into recovery, you can't pray him into recovery, you can't make ultimatums about him going to recovery. The only way he will achieve lasting recovery is when he wants to change and do what it takes to put this disease into remission. He can't recover for you. He has to do it for him. I'm not saying to give up on him, b/c as long as their is life their is hope, but by the same token you may have to decide to cut your losses for your own well being, and allow him to see that you won't live in this lifestyle. If you do this you have to be willing to stick it out no matter how much he begs to come home and tells you this time it's different. You have to give him time to prove to you that he wants to change and that the change will last this time.
I'm sorry that I can't wish you luck on staying, but what I can do is tell you that I will pray that you find some peace with this and that you find the strength to put yourself first. This truly is his problem. I know that you want to help him, but the only way you can help him is by supporting him if he's ready to help himself. Please take care of yourself and your needs. Try to find a family and friends support group. Some NA meetings have meetings specifically for loved ones seeking information about the program. Like I said in my original post, nothing about this makes sense and I believe that you're holding something back or he is, probably him.
I appreciate the additonal clarification you provided regarding your husband's use and lifestyle. I know that what I'm going to say is probably going to go over like a turd in a punch bowl, and I mean in no way to offend you. I've been struggling with addiction form many years and in addition to my own experiences I work with other recovering addicts almost daily. I will be as plain as I can be with this...your husband is an addict who is playing with fire. Sure right now, it may be one or two a week, and honestly I doubt that, but even if he is telling the truth, it won't stay that way. Addiction is progressive and by that I mean that a person starts out using say 1 or 2 on weekends for recreation, then it turns into 1 or 2 5days a week. Then it turns into 1 or 2 a day everyday. From there the amount of pills we take grows larger b/c our tolerance gets higher everytime we use. Therefore at some point what was a couple of pills here and there turns into 10-15 pills everyday as the person chases the euphoria they felt originally. Then somewhere along the way an invisible line is crossed and the person is no longer seeking the original euphoria, they are just trying to survive and they have to have their drugs to do that. If addiction is allowed to continue to progress the ends are always jails, institutions, and death.
I understand that he is keeping bills paid and getting things done now, but if he doesn't get serious about finding recovery, eventually that will stop. It sounds to me like you are justifying his using for him, by saying he's not as bad as what you read here. Guess what? An addicts bottom is whenenver they decide to stop digging the hole. He doesn't have to be shooting herion and living in ditches to be and addict. If his use is having negative effects on his life, no matter how minor the situation, and he continues to use, that's a strong indicator of addiction. There are several others that I think may apply to him from your posts, but I won't get into that.
You have to understand that you can't love him into recovery, you can't pray him into recovery, you can't make ultimatums about him going to recovery. The only way he will achieve lasting recovery is when he wants to change and do what it takes to put this disease into remission. He can't recover for you. He has to do it for him. I'm not saying to give up on him, b/c as long as their is life their is hope, but by the same token you may have to decide to cut your losses for your own well being, and allow him to see that you won't live in this lifestyle. If you do this you have to be willing to stick it out no matter how much he begs to come home and tells you this time it's different. You have to give him time to prove to you that he wants to change and that the change will last this time.
I'm sorry that I can't wish you luck on staying, but what I can do is tell you that I will pray that you find some peace with this and that you find the strength to put yourself first. This truly is his problem. I know that you want to help him, but the only way you can help him is by supporting him if he's ready to help himself. Please take care of yourself and your needs. Try to find a family and friends support group. Some NA meetings have meetings specifically for loved ones seeking information about the program. Like I said in my original post, nothing about this makes sense and I believe that you're holding something back or he is, probably him.
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Originally Posted by whattodo3280 
tank you dragonfire, for your words of wisdome.... I do appreciate tem... Did I mention tat my x-usband was an addict to weed and rum.... we've been divorced for 10 years...... e's been sober for almost 2 now.... pretty muc since I left im..... so, i tink I'm gonna stick by and try to see tis one troug... maybe e'll find stregt in me if I keep trying.... I know it's a long sot... but Im just not ready to give up agian.... im not ready to give up on im.... so wis me luck to see it to te end........ and I ope an pray I will ave good news to sare on ere one day....... tank you again........ and keep up te good work :-)
Has your h on the key pad browken.
It looks to me like hes still addicted .no question
Look after yourself first. Always.
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