Where I'm at :-/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Where I'm at :-/
Well, I failed at not drinking. I went for 7.5 months without drinking. I stopped going to AA before I reached 6 months, I didn't even go pick up my chip. For a month or two I continued not drinking and entertained the idea of getting back into AA but I was rather sick of AA, I was sick of focusing so much time and energy on not drinking but letting other areas of my life slide, I guess I was subconsciously testing/tempting myself and isolating myself from AA so that I could give myself permission to drink without accountability.
Then I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. It was a huge surprise, as I was on the Pill, but after the initial shock wore off I surprised myself even more by being very happy about being pregnant, and really excited about having a baby. My boyfriend was shocked/initially scared about the pregnancy but had come around to being mostly excited, he came with me to all my appointments and we were discussing names and plans etc.
Well, I had a miscarriage and that was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. In fact it was a long drawn-out process and it is still somewhat going on. I knew something wasn't right and at 8 weeks I went in for an ultrasound and was told that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. This was devastating to me and I was so sad. I bawled in the ultrasound room when they told us, and my boyfriend was crying too. I am still so sad and not sure how I will ever get over it. :-/ They told me I would have a miscarriage soon and I opted to wait it out naturally, but it didn't start for 2.5 weeks later and is still going on for 3 weeks after it started!
Things have been so hard. When I found out I had the miscarriage my boyfriend and I went to lunch with his brother. I'm certain now that this was the worst thing I could have done but I didn't know what else to do. I was literally zombie-like and he thought my favorite food would make me feel better and I was like okay maybe. ??
It was a Mexican restaurant and they were drinking Margaritas and his brother asked if I wanted a drink and I said if I have a drink I will drink the whole thing. Then rather automatically without even thinking it through or caring, I started drinking my boyfriend's whole margarita in one big gulp and then we ordered more and I have been continuing to drink since then (that was on June 26 that I was diagnosed with the impending miscarriage). He said he knew how sad I was when I drank like that after not having a drop for so long.
It's like, I don't even care anymore. I try to work up the motivation and inspiration to change again, to get back on the track I was on, but then it wanes. I don't even feel like a failure for drinking but I feel like a failure for having a miscarriage. I am really conscious of drinking being my coping mechanism and maybe I even use that as an excuse but often it really feels like if I don't drink then I don't know how I would handle it (not that I am handling it well even drinking).
I don't understand why I had to get pregnant when I wasn't even trying, why I had to get my hopes up about something I wasn't even expecting and then have them be crushed. It feels like a cruel joke. Very few people seem to understand what I'm feeling, even my boyfriend but I suppose that's normal since he isn't the one actually having the miscarriage. I start to wonder if I will ever stop feeling sad and depressed about it. I guess I have just been going along in oblivion drinking but not really caring about that because I've been more worried about how to get through this situation.
I guess I have some kind of a desire to stop drinking again, because I'm here, but, overall it's not even my biggest goal. I just want to recover from these awful feelings of failure and loss and figure out what it all means and how I can move forward. I feel like when I was focusing on not drinking it took all my energy and in the meantime I got fat, my house got messy, I was disorganized... all of these things were there when I drank but for some reason they got worse or at least seemed to get worse when I was giving my whole effort into not drinking.
I was sick of going to AA all the time and I guess I didn't find a good way to deal with my underlying personality issues and anxiety or whatever because I started to feel like, okay so not drinking hasn't done much, except make it hard to not drink when I go out with friends. I know though that I felt better emotionally-- more stable and sane-- when I wasn't drinking, and maybe that was a start, and I just lack patience.
I don't know, I'm sorry for rambling. I probably shouldn't even be here because I'm not really asking for help with not drinking. Maybe I am, but I don't know. I don't even want to not drink, but I don't really want to do anything really, not even drink. I feel like I'm just merely existing, surviving I guess, and in a weird way I feel proud of myself for not going crazy with the drinking, not doing really stupid things like I was doing before I stopped. But then again I can feel it creeping up on me and know I will get back to that, and I also know the emotional toll it takes on me. I start to wonder- why do I do this to myself? It's like I beat myself up and make my problems/feelings worse by drinking but in the temporary moment I think it makes me feel better, or at least it makes me not think/feel, or I'm not strong enough to not give in, or something. At one point in my short non-drinking career I started to wonder if I could just get back to having a drink or two socially now and then, but at least I've answered that question with a definite NO- almost every time I drink I over-do it, or want to over-do it, except for circumstances prohibiting it (being around family or needing to do something important etc., otherwise if I have "'nothing" to do I just drink myself into oblivion).
I'm sorry for rambling. This is just a report of where I'm at. I just feel like things are hopeless, including on the drinking front. :-/
Then I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. It was a huge surprise, as I was on the Pill, but after the initial shock wore off I surprised myself even more by being very happy about being pregnant, and really excited about having a baby. My boyfriend was shocked/initially scared about the pregnancy but had come around to being mostly excited, he came with me to all my appointments and we were discussing names and plans etc.
Well, I had a miscarriage and that was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. In fact it was a long drawn-out process and it is still somewhat going on. I knew something wasn't right and at 8 weeks I went in for an ultrasound and was told that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. This was devastating to me and I was so sad. I bawled in the ultrasound room when they told us, and my boyfriend was crying too. I am still so sad and not sure how I will ever get over it. :-/ They told me I would have a miscarriage soon and I opted to wait it out naturally, but it didn't start for 2.5 weeks later and is still going on for 3 weeks after it started!
Things have been so hard. When I found out I had the miscarriage my boyfriend and I went to lunch with his brother. I'm certain now that this was the worst thing I could have done but I didn't know what else to do. I was literally zombie-like and he thought my favorite food would make me feel better and I was like okay maybe. ??
It was a Mexican restaurant and they were drinking Margaritas and his brother asked if I wanted a drink and I said if I have a drink I will drink the whole thing. Then rather automatically without even thinking it through or caring, I started drinking my boyfriend's whole margarita in one big gulp and then we ordered more and I have been continuing to drink since then (that was on June 26 that I was diagnosed with the impending miscarriage). He said he knew how sad I was when I drank like that after not having a drop for so long.
It's like, I don't even care anymore. I try to work up the motivation and inspiration to change again, to get back on the track I was on, but then it wanes. I don't even feel like a failure for drinking but I feel like a failure for having a miscarriage. I am really conscious of drinking being my coping mechanism and maybe I even use that as an excuse but often it really feels like if I don't drink then I don't know how I would handle it (not that I am handling it well even drinking).
I don't understand why I had to get pregnant when I wasn't even trying, why I had to get my hopes up about something I wasn't even expecting and then have them be crushed. It feels like a cruel joke. Very few people seem to understand what I'm feeling, even my boyfriend but I suppose that's normal since he isn't the one actually having the miscarriage. I start to wonder if I will ever stop feeling sad and depressed about it. I guess I have just been going along in oblivion drinking but not really caring about that because I've been more worried about how to get through this situation.
I guess I have some kind of a desire to stop drinking again, because I'm here, but, overall it's not even my biggest goal. I just want to recover from these awful feelings of failure and loss and figure out what it all means and how I can move forward. I feel like when I was focusing on not drinking it took all my energy and in the meantime I got fat, my house got messy, I was disorganized... all of these things were there when I drank but for some reason they got worse or at least seemed to get worse when I was giving my whole effort into not drinking.
I was sick of going to AA all the time and I guess I didn't find a good way to deal with my underlying personality issues and anxiety or whatever because I started to feel like, okay so not drinking hasn't done much, except make it hard to not drink when I go out with friends. I know though that I felt better emotionally-- more stable and sane-- when I wasn't drinking, and maybe that was a start, and I just lack patience.
I don't know, I'm sorry for rambling. I probably shouldn't even be here because I'm not really asking for help with not drinking. Maybe I am, but I don't know. I don't even want to not drink, but I don't really want to do anything really, not even drink. I feel like I'm just merely existing, surviving I guess, and in a weird way I feel proud of myself for not going crazy with the drinking, not doing really stupid things like I was doing before I stopped. But then again I can feel it creeping up on me and know I will get back to that, and I also know the emotional toll it takes on me. I start to wonder- why do I do this to myself? It's like I beat myself up and make my problems/feelings worse by drinking but in the temporary moment I think it makes me feel better, or at least it makes me not think/feel, or I'm not strong enough to not give in, or something. At one point in my short non-drinking career I started to wonder if I could just get back to having a drink or two socially now and then, but at least I've answered that question with a definite NO- almost every time I drink I over-do it, or want to over-do it, except for circumstances prohibiting it (being around family or needing to do something important etc., otherwise if I have "'nothing" to do I just drink myself into oblivion).
I'm sorry for rambling. This is just a report of where I'm at. I just feel like things are hopeless, including on the drinking front. :-/
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I do understand what you are going through with both the drinking and the miscarriage. You aren't a failure at either thing. Our experiences make us who we are. I am so very sorry for your loss.
First, stop drinking. You've done it before, you can do it again. If you choose AA again, you know it's not the meetings that keep you sober, it's the 12 steps. Not 1, not 3, not 5, but 12, twelve steps.
Drinking will only prolong the feelings about the miscarriage, it will numb them and make them grow inside of you. We have to feel the feelings so we can move on. It's the only way for them to go away. You know this, right? Yeah, it sucks royally. Big hugs to you.
I am glad you are back on here, you've been missed. If you choose something other than AA, embrace it with your whole being. You deserve sobriety. You are worth it. I thank you for sharing some of your pain.
I wish for you a lovely and sober life, pigtails. Whatcha gonna do about it now? Rehab is always an option.
With great love, hugs, and condolences,
First, stop drinking. You've done it before, you can do it again. If you choose AA again, you know it's not the meetings that keep you sober, it's the 12 steps. Not 1, not 3, not 5, but 12, twelve steps.
Drinking will only prolong the feelings about the miscarriage, it will numb them and make them grow inside of you. We have to feel the feelings so we can move on. It's the only way for them to go away. You know this, right? Yeah, it sucks royally. Big hugs to you.
I am glad you are back on here, you've been missed. If you choose something other than AA, embrace it with your whole being. You deserve sobriety. You are worth it. I thank you for sharing some of your pain.
I wish for you a lovely and sober life, pigtails. Whatcha gonna do about it now? Rehab is always an option.
With great love, hugs, and condolences,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi pigtails 
I'm very sorry for your sadness and pain and for your loss.
Sometimes there is no reason for things happening...at least not one we can see...maybe reasons will become apparent in time, maybe not.
I think you're suffered enough tho without adding drinking to your pain.
Drinking never solves anything...at best it provides a temporary but false respite...which needs liberal re-application.
You already know where that leads.
It's a terrible, dreadful thing that happened to you - a real tragedy. Don't compound that tragedy with a second one.
I know there's lots of help and support for mothers and fathers for dealing with miscarriages...and you already know about the support open to alcoholics.
I hope you'll decide to reach out for both kinds of help pigtails. You don't deserve to hurt this much.
D
I'm very sorry for your sadness and pain and for your loss.
Sometimes there is no reason for things happening...at least not one we can see...maybe reasons will become apparent in time, maybe not.
I think you're suffered enough tho without adding drinking to your pain.
Drinking never solves anything...at best it provides a temporary but false respite...which needs liberal re-application.
You already know where that leads.
It's a terrible, dreadful thing that happened to you - a real tragedy. Don't compound that tragedy with a second one.
I know there's lots of help and support for mothers and fathers for dealing with miscarriages...and you already know about the support open to alcoholics.
I hope you'll decide to reach out for both kinds of help pigtails. You don't deserve to hurt this much.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thank you everyone for the support and inspiring words. I feel better already.
Sometimes I feel like a group of "strangers" on the Internet understand and care about me more than people, even friends, in the real world. Maybe this is just me playing the victim or being isolationist. But it seems like you guys always know the right things to say and know where I'm coming from, and other people just don't.
Sometimes I feel like a group of "strangers" on the Internet understand and care about me more than people, even friends, in the real world. Maybe this is just me playing the victim or being isolationist. But it seems like you guys always know the right things to say and know where I'm coming from, and other people just don't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast US
Posts: 332
Pigtails, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I can't imagine what you're feeling now, but I do identify with what sugarbear wrote about how alcohol only prolongs negative thoughts. I am no stranger to using drink to numb myself to reality, even as I knew that drinking was self-defeating.
I hope you'll choose to stop drinking, right now. When you're ready, you know that there is help out there from people who genuinely care about your recovery. And you know that there is a community of "strangers" right here on SR who will listen to your story almost any time of the day or night.
I wish you all the best.
I hope you'll choose to stop drinking, right now. When you're ready, you know that there is help out there from people who genuinely care about your recovery. And you know that there is a community of "strangers" right here on SR who will listen to your story almost any time of the day or night.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Pigtails. I can relate to your story. I too suffered a miscarriage many years ago now. It was also an unplanned pregnancy. We had just sold all our baby equipment. Our daughter was a toddler and we weren't planning any more. We were shocked, not pleased especially, but learned to accept it. Then we started really looking forward to it. I was drinking before I found out I was pregnant. We lost the baby in similar circumstances. They couldn't find a heartbeat, scans, etc etc. I will never know if my drinking was the cause.
You are certainly not a failure. Unfortunately these things do happen, and in time you will find a way through the pain. But in my experience, drinking will not help one little bit. It will muddle your mind and your emotions and make grieving more difficult.
One word of advice I was given at the time which really helped me was to write a letter to your baby. Put everything down that you feel. You don't need to share it with anyone else. Keep it in a safe place, a special box. It somehow felt like closure to me to do that.
Please look after yourself.
Drinking is not the solution. You deserve your sober life back. Thinking of you xxx
You are certainly not a failure. Unfortunately these things do happen, and in time you will find a way through the pain. But in my experience, drinking will not help one little bit. It will muddle your mind and your emotions and make grieving more difficult.
One word of advice I was given at the time which really helped me was to write a letter to your baby. Put everything down that you feel. You don't need to share it with anyone else. Keep it in a safe place, a special box. It somehow felt like closure to me to do that.
Please look after yourself.
Drinking is not the solution. You deserve your sober life back. Thinking of you xxx
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I have missed your posts here pigtails. I’m very sorry for your loss. Things like this are hard to make sense of. They seem like crewel jokes in a way. I completely understand.
Here is something that I hope helps. It’s just how I think about things.
Long ago I heard a quote. The quote was “children come through you not from you”. I always felt there was profound wisdom in those seven words. To me it means that we are only tools, in a sense, for life to continue. We are not truly responsible for life’s creation. By the same token we are not to blame when something beyond our control goes wrong. The truth is that we don’t know the big plan, the one that goes beyond our own designs.
I always thought you were quite sensible and that your contributions here were helpful and positive. I’d like to see that again. There are lots of desperate souls around, both here and in AA meetings. They can benefit from your good sense. I’d like to see you helping them. Perhaps helpiing someone in the future,….. someone who has had a miscarriage.
But that’s going to be hard to do if you’re still drinking. You’re going to have to find a way, so you can tell them about it. You might need some extra mental health help with the depression. With the drinking…. I know you have enough good sense to know what to do with that.
best wishes
Here is something that I hope helps. It’s just how I think about things.
Long ago I heard a quote. The quote was “children come through you not from you”. I always felt there was profound wisdom in those seven words. To me it means that we are only tools, in a sense, for life to continue. We are not truly responsible for life’s creation. By the same token we are not to blame when something beyond our control goes wrong. The truth is that we don’t know the big plan, the one that goes beyond our own designs.
I always thought you were quite sensible and that your contributions here were helpful and positive. I’d like to see that again. There are lots of desperate souls around, both here and in AA meetings. They can benefit from your good sense. I’d like to see you helping them. Perhaps helpiing someone in the future,….. someone who has had a miscarriage.
But that’s going to be hard to do if you’re still drinking. You’re going to have to find a way, so you can tell them about it. You might need some extra mental health help with the depression. With the drinking…. I know you have enough good sense to know what to do with that.
best wishes
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Pigtails I am glad you came back and sorry it is in these tragic circumstances.
I have come to believe that alcohol is not a solution to problems or grief, and I also learned that it takes a long time to fully recover from being addicted to alcohol.
You are where you are at the moment, it is what it is. Feel free to vent
I have come to believe that alcohol is not a solution to problems or grief, and I also learned that it takes a long time to fully recover from being addicted to alcohol.
You are where you are at the moment, it is what it is. Feel free to vent
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Aw, Pigtails, that is truly a tragedy. I am so sorry that it happened, and that it happened to you. This is a death of a child made worse by the lack of grieving stuff that we use to help us deal with this loss and bring a collecting of support from our friends and family. My deepest condolences go to you and your boyfriend on this most private tragedy.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Pigtails. hugs. thank you so much for letting us know what is going on. You are part of this community no matter where you are in your recovery.
I have also experienced miscarriages, I understand the myriad of feelings associated with that. Many communities have face to face support groups for couples (or individuals) who have experienced a miscarriage, or, if the net is more comfortable for you, online groups. Just as with addiction recovery, it is so helpful to have others to share with, learn from, cry and celebrate with.
Just as before, when you are ready, when you are sick of the pointlessness of drinking, you will put it down and pick up your recovery again.
I have also experienced miscarriages, I understand the myriad of feelings associated with that. Many communities have face to face support groups for couples (or individuals) who have experienced a miscarriage, or, if the net is more comfortable for you, online groups. Just as with addiction recovery, it is so helpful to have others to share with, learn from, cry and celebrate with.
Just as before, when you are ready, when you are sick of the pointlessness of drinking, you will put it down and pick up your recovery again.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
I'm glad to see you posting again, pigtails. I truly enjoy your posts. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, and the strife you've been through. My heart aches for you. I hope you'll give sobriety another try; I saw such strides in your life through your posts in sobriety. It's true, it takes a lot of time and attention, especially at first, but eventually it becomes a natural part of your life, I think.
Keep posting. You are an inspiring force on SR.
Keep posting. You are an inspiring force on SR.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Pigtails 
Well, I failed at not drinking.
I can only speak for what I have seen in AA...From people I've talked with in AA....But I've seen a lot of people get to this step and stop...For whatever reason. I heard an interesting story about a guy that worked in a rehab that prepared it's clients/patients to work the AA program...Like the one I went to. And there was a new guy that was just starting to work there...That was very impressed with how all the people that came back from relapse...treated him like he was the rehab "Know all" when it came to why they were back. He told him it was simple....He asked them two questions.....When did you stop going to meetings and what are you hiding? It always came down to that.
I don't know if AA is the way for you or not....I know you were doing great without drinking....I'd like to see you get that back....However you do it. Because we both know....There is no problem in this universe that alcohol can't make worse. I'm glad you came back here Pigtails...I'm praying for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Pigtails,
I'm very sorry that you had to go through this and lots of times, life doesn't make any sense.
Reading your post made me think about balance, which is so important to me. If you feel like you're ignoring parts of your life - like having a messy house and being disorganized, maybe you could try to work on more balance in your life. I hope you decide to stop drinking now because I think you know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and things will likely get worse for you. You have 7 1/2 months of sobriety to build on and I know that you were feeling good about yourself and your life during those months.
I'm very sorry that you had to go through this and lots of times, life doesn't make any sense.
Reading your post made me think about balance, which is so important to me. If you feel like you're ignoring parts of your life - like having a messy house and being disorganized, maybe you could try to work on more balance in your life. I hope you decide to stop drinking now because I think you know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and things will likely get worse for you. You have 7 1/2 months of sobriety to build on and I know that you were feeling good about yourself and your life during those months.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Pigtails, I was so sad to read your post. Like Dee said, sometimes this crappy stuff happens to us for no reason. It just is. And I'm really sorry. You've offered me a lot of support over the past 7.5 months, and now I hope to offer you the same. First, quit drinking. I think things will only feel worse for you if you go down that road. This may or may not make you feel better, but I've seen people lose their loved ones and remain sober. They talked about how if they were drinking it'd be worse.
Second, I understand where you are coming from regarding AA. A lot of mastering AA, sobriety and myself is balance. Sometimes I have to weigh whether I need to concentrate on AA/sobriety - or whether I need to concentrate on my work, marriage, personal life more. It's a day to day thing and oftentimes not easy to do.
I hope you get back on the path soon. I'll be thinking about you.
Second, I understand where you are coming from regarding AA. A lot of mastering AA, sobriety and myself is balance. Sometimes I have to weigh whether I need to concentrate on AA/sobriety - or whether I need to concentrate on my work, marriage, personal life more. It's a day to day thing and oftentimes not easy to do.
I hope you get back on the path soon. I'll be thinking about you.
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